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Original poster

Am I a terrible mum for being resentfulbecause I want a break??

43 replies

Moomin1000 · 28/04/2012 21:54

Hi
I feel terrible I have a 16 week baby who I adore!! But since she's been born she has fed hourly-2 hrly sat and night!! She had bad colic and is now teething!! I dearly love her but today I'm so fed up!! My hubby sleeps downstairs as can't b disturbed coz of his work and I'm with her constantly the only break I get as when my hubby comes home at 5 he takes her for 1 hour whilst I do washing, cooking etc... Then she settles at 7.30 I get 2 hours!! My husband goes up every 30 min and checks on her as is paranoid with cot death but disturbs her each time!!! Tonight she was unsettled so I told my hubby to give the rest of the expressed breastmilk I had!! He only completely woke her giving her a cold bottle what the hell!!
The two times I have left her when went to tge hairdresser she got really upset as husband can't settle her when cries!! I'm in tears now feel I can't give much more!! Thanks for listening :-(

OP posts:

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bishboschone · 28/04/2012 22:01

Get an angel care monitor . It has a pad so you can tell if they are moving ( breathing) an alarm goes off if it stops . It may calm him down and he won't disturb her.

AbigailAdams · 28/04/2012 22:27

Oh sweetheart. I think your husband needs to step up a bit. It is also completely natural to feel like this. It is hard to have someone completely and utterly dependent on you.

And tell him to stop checking! Or at least stop waking her up! Or alternatively can she sleep in a carry cot downstairs with you for evenings. With DS1 he used to regularly sleep on the sofa/carry cot/us while we watched telly.

Dozer · 28/04/2012 23:00

What is his work?

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misslinnet · 29/04/2012 00:14

It's hard when they're waking so frequently. I found the lack of sleep made everything seem so much worse when DS was small. Is there anyone else who can watch your LO for a few hours while you get some rest?

I'd second the suggestion about the Angelcare monitor.

It helped us relax a lot - I was regularly awake most of the night watching DS to make sure he was breathing before we got that.

dreamingbohemian · 29/04/2012 00:23

Your DH needs to do more. Even if his work means he has to sleep (what does he do?) he should be able to take over all evening and give you a break.

And assuming he doesn't work every day, he should be able to do the night wakings on the weekends so you can get some sleep too.

This is really important because basically he needs to figure out his own way of taking care of her and settling her (and you need to let him get on with it).

As it is, if he never has to really take care of her on her own, he is not going to be driven to find the best way of doing things. He won't care if he can't settle her because you are there to do it for him.

It may be hard but the best thing you could do is to go out for a day and leave him to it, and get him to do some weekend nights as well.

Your baby may cry at first but in the long run she will cry so much less, because your DH will have figured out how to take care of her.

NatashaBee · 29/04/2012 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedlesCuties · 29/04/2012 08:39

He can't check on her without waking her up? He needs to learn to be a bit more subtle and quiet!

I can totally sympathise with feeling that you need a break, I remember when DS was that age I felt like I was going out my mind with tiredness and being drained from breastfeeding.

It will get easier, but I agree that your DH needs to be a bit more hands-on and you need to try to not feel that you are the only one who can do things 100%.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 29/04/2012 08:45

You might want to do a milk yield as well, if you're exhausted and getting little time to rest, it's possible your breast milk may not be rich enough. I admit to being no expert on bf having been unable to establish a supply myself but is it usual to still be feeding that regularly at 16 weeks?

MumbleMumm · 29/04/2012 08:50

Don't listen to poster above- your breast milk will be fine - it is completely normal for bfed babies to need to feed very regularly.
It is exhausting - in our house, my hubby takes dd at the first waking past 6am so that I can get some extra sleep in... it is amazing what that little bit extra can do for you!

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 29/04/2012 08:50

what on earth is a milk yield?

yup, your DH needs to give you a break. if he really can't have disturbed sleep at night, then when's he's not at work, he needs to take the baby while you go back to bed, and only bring her to your for feeds. also, what is he doing from when your DD goes to bed until 11pm? if you are doing all the feeding, then he needs to be doing the chores.

and i agree, if he feels the need to check every 30 mins then a monitor might be helpful

lagoonhaze · 29/04/2012 08:54

Listen to mumblemumm- your milk is fine.

Yes BF is exhausting but worth it. Expressed bottle every now and again so you can get a break both physically and mentally is important. Even if it's just escaping for a hour to have a coffee.

NeedlesCuties · 29/04/2012 09:00

daisy that is rubbish advice, no offence intended.

OP, go to the Kelly Mom website. The page I linked to has info about a 16 week growth spurt your DC will likely be having. In fact, that whole website is a Godsend and I read it all the time when I was bf DS.

iwantanoompaloompa · 29/04/2012 09:02

Another agreeing that your DH needs to do more.

that the only break you get is an hour to do the washing and cooking. That's not a break, that's the washing and cooking!

My husband effectives disowned both our children between the hours of midnight and 7am. But, he did do all the cooking, shopping etc and take the baby when he could in the evening so I could have a bath etc.

If your DH can't be disturbed at night, then you need to go to bed very early and leave him in charge. Just to get you through this bit. It won't always be like this.

Are you sleeping during the day? Are you breastfeeding lying down? Have you considered co-sleeping?

CherryBlossom27 · 29/04/2012 09:07

OP, of course you aren't a terrible mum for wanting a break! I'm amazed you're still standing with feeding every two hours, colic and now teething!

My DS is 18 weeks old, I am formula feeding as breastfeeding didn't work out. I found every time I went for a nap I'd still be listening out for DS whilst DH was looking after him. I got over this by agreeing with DH that I would go to town for the morning whilst he looked after DS. This meant I wasn't jumping in and DH figured out what to do with DS, plus although I wasn't asleep when I was in town, I had some baby free time which was lovely! If your baby will take a bottle of expressed milk, this might be worth a go?

Otherwise, would you be able to have your mum or another trusted person to look after your baby at their house for just a few hours whilst you have a sleep?

If you can get some sleep you will start feeling a million times better and able to deal with the colic and teething better.

Hope things improve soon!

imnotmymum · 29/04/2012 09:12

YANBU but I promise you will come out of the other side ! Agree though you need to get DH to do more or ask for help, I know this is hard as we want to be seen as Supermum but do ask and have a break and agree with iwant consider bf lying down/co sleeping. Good luck

usingapseudonym · 29/04/2012 09:16

My husband works a lot during the week so at the weekend takes baby apart from feeds in the morning so I can catch some sleep. Makes a huge difference.I think Its also important for dads to bond with baby without mum there so while I sleep .(or mumsnet!) he is entertaining baby.

I think it's important that there is at least some time away from baby.

Limelight · 29/04/2012 09:33

OP - of course you're not terrible. You're completely normal. It's bloody knackering being with a new born all day and night.

My DM imparted one or two pearls of wisdom when I had my first DC (between frenzied bouts of scratch mitten knitting).

My favourite when DH went back to work was 'a change is as good as a rest'. And how right is that? How much would you like to go back to work for a rest right now?! you can have the occasional cup of hot tea and a wee by yourself if nothing else.

My DH works long hours too but we were forced into him being very involved overnight because DS was really colicky and I would have actually gone insane without his help. I fed, DH settled. DH was knackered during this time, but so was I. We got through it together and the upside is that we are still very equal parents now (to both DC).

Maybe if your DH was more consistently involved, he wouldn't feel quite as paranoid when he is around. Maybe a new 'you wake the baby, you settle the baby' rule?!

And ignore the poster above re milk yields and things. What in the name of all that is holy is a milk yield?! And yes absolutely definitely 16 week old baby will still feed that regularly!

And I second the sling idea! Get a Moby or something like that.

ChasedByBees · 29/04/2012 10:45

I have a 15 week old and I feel your pain. She BFs every two hours as well. I think unless your husband is a brain surgeon or pilot then he can share the load. I read something on here the other day which struck a chord with me - being a FT parent is a hard, demanding job. Why is it ok for the person doing that job to be always exhausted? We have to take care of a baby - its a job that needs concentration and alertness too. This is especially true if you have to drive anywhere.

Lexiesgirl · 29/04/2012 17:54

I just wanted to say that you aren't a terrible mum for wanting a break - if you are, well, then I am too! DD is 3mo and I am desperate for a few hours break. Like you, when DP is looking after her I seem to just be doing housework. Great. It's bloody hard work looking after a little one. Everyone needs a break every now and again. Your DH not being able to settle her is a bit of a vicious cycle, the less he does it the more she won't settle with him. Could you sit down calmly and explain how you are feeling to him? (I've tried to do this with DP, even though I actually want to scream at him rather than 'explain' - I've also taken to writing up a big step-by-step guide to how I manage DD's day so that he can look after her without me hovering over his shoulder)

Also second the Angelcare monitor, that should help with her being disturbed by being checked on.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 29/04/2012 19:32

Wow, never been flamed before, it hurts!!

A milk yield is where you express for the same time as you would have baby on the breast to see how much you're producing. I appreciate expressing and feeding are not the same, but I've heard anecdotally it can be useful...

I did explain that I've never bf so of course OP is pre-warned I'm no expert. Just trying to help. Posters are welcome to disagree but please consider a well meaning poster's feelings when doing it.

Astr0naut · 29/04/2012 19:37

YANBU.

I'm in toddler and (no so anymore) newborn hell. On a good day, I get 3 hours off - between 7 (dcs down) and 10 (dd hungry. Again.).

I do lots and lots of complaining and sometimes get the red mist when I've not been left alone for a second all day. Dh pulls his weight, but small children always seem to want mummy first.

Dd is almost 6 months now and becming more sociable and content, but those weeks of her constantly needing me and being unhappy with anyone else are still raw.

Species8472 · 29/04/2012 19:39

Expressing is no guide to how milk you're producing when breast-feeding. A baby is much, much more efficient than a pump at getting milk out - all expressing does is show you how much you can express.

Zimbah · 29/04/2012 20:00

It gets better, it really does. Agree with all the other posters that your DH needs to start doing more, you are doing a very hard job. It is totally normal for many breastfed babies to feed frequently at this age but that doesn't mean it's easy. DD1 used to feed every 2 hours or more through the night and I started to go slightly mad with exhaustion. DH would look after her in the mornings at weekends so I could have a lie-in, and he would just bring her to me to feed. She wouldn't take a bottle so he couldn't help with the night feeding at all, but sometimes he would snuggle up with her in bed if she was crying but not hungry (we co-slept). I know some people don't mind their DH's sleeping in a different room, but I found on the few occasions it happened it made me feel very alone.

Her feeding should start to become a bit more spaced out soon, but regardless of that your DH needs to take on more of the housework as well as some of the baby care so you can have a break.

Zimbah · 29/04/2012 20:06

Also, if you don't know many people breastfeeding at the moment, find out if there's a La Leche League breastfeeding group near you. It can be so helpful and reassuring to meet other mums in the same boat, and who have got through it and survived.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2012 17:43

Your DH needs to get a grip and stop the constant checking and let her sleep. He is doing neither of you any favours by letting his anxiety get the better of him.

She needs to be allowed to establish a habit of natural sleep patterns, hopefully gradually extending her nighttime sleep periods. This won't happen if he keeps on disturbing her.

If you have a double bed to yourself, take the baby in with you for the night.

The DH needs to be responsible for completely taking over some housework - planning and execution, not just doing what you tell him after you have done all the planning.

Sometimes a baby will accept a dad's company better if he takes her away from the usual environment for the times he is with her. He could take her out for a walk somewhere, even around the garden, where there might be interesting distractions for her.

(milk yield as someone said only shows what you can express, not what the baby is getting, and comments about richness of milk, quantity, etc are really not helpful unless failure to thrive is at issue)

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