Am I a terrible mum for being resentfulbecause I want a break??

[Moomin1000]

Hi
I feel terrible I have a 16 week baby who I adore!! But since she's been born she has fed hourly-2 hrly sat and night!! She had bad colic and is now teething!! I dearly love her but today I'm so fed up!! My hubby sleeps downstairs as can't b disturbed coz of his work and I'm with her constantly the only break I get as when my hubby comes home at 5 he takes her for 1 hour whilst I do washing, cooking etc... Then she settles at 7.30 I get 2 hours!! My husband goes up every 30 min and checks on her as is paranoid with cot death but disturbs her each time!!! Tonight she was unsettled so I told my hubby to give the rest of the expressed breastmilk I had!! He only completely woke her giving her a cold bottle what the hell!!
The two times I have left her when went to tge hairdresser she got really upset as husband can't settle her when cries!! I'm in tears now feel I can't give much more!! Thanks for listening :-(

math a friend of mine went through this and it was exactly the quality of her milk which was the issue. There was no failure to thrive issue for her, just round the clock breastfeeding on end for months.

Can't believe the negativity on this thread towards a perfectly well meant post. None of us are experts on here and some of the more militant comments on MN can be pretty thoughtless.

There is no such thing as a problem with the 'quality' if your milk though.

Op I think your do needs to man up a bit, he doesn't sound like he does that much with the baby at all tbh. I appreciate when he's working he may need some rest if he has a very demanding job, but at the moment you are working 24/7 which I'd hardly fair!

As Cosmosis says, there is no such thing as quality of milk problems. Yes you can get tired and run down, but quality of milk not a problem that exists except in the minds of people of my mum's generation, who were fed a lot of myths about breastfeeding at a time when formula was being pushed very hard at mothers.

Round the clock breastfeeding for months is not going to cause problems with 'milk quality', and it takes a lot to interfere with quantity.

There is nothing 'militant' about that statement either. Here is a FAQ page from LaLecheLeague.org.

'Myth 10: If a baby isn't gaining well, it may be due to the low quality of the mother's milk.

Fact: Studies have shown that even malnourished women are able to produce milk of sufficient quality and quantity to support a growing infant. Most cases low weight gain are related to insufficient milk intake or an underlying health problem in the baby.

Mohrbacher, N., Stock, J. BREASTFEEDING ANSWER BOOK. Schaumburg, Illinois: LLLI, 1997; 116-32.

Wilde, C. et al. Breastfeeding: matching supply with demand in human lactation. Proc Nutr Soc1 1995; 54:401-06.

Myth 11: Poor milk supply is usually caused by stress, fatigue and/or inadequate fluids and food intake.

Fact: The most common causes of milk supply problems are infrequent feedings and/or poor latch-on and positioning; both are usually due to inadequate information provided to the breastfeeding mother. Suckling problems on the infant's part can also impact milk supply negatively. Stress, fatigue or malnutrition are rarely causes of milk supply failure because the body has highly developed survival mechanisms to protect the nursling during times of scarce food supply.

Dusdieker, B., Stumbo, J., Booth, B. et al. Prolonged maternal fluid supplementation in breastfeeding. Pediatrics 1090; 86:737-40.

Hill, P. Insufficient milk supply syndrome. NAACOG's Clin Issues 1992; 3(4):605-13.

Woolridge, M. Analysis, classification, etiology of diagnosed low milk output. Plenary session at International Lactation Consultant Association Conference, Scottsdale Arizona, 1995.

World Health Organization. Not enough milk. Division of Child Health and Development Update Feb 1995 21. www.who.ch/programmes/cdr/pub/newslet/update/updt-21.htm'

Thanks for the useful links.

It's really annoys me when posters make damaging inaccurate statements about something so important!

I don't think daisy meant for her post to be badly received and I think she did mean it in all innocence.

math I like that link from LLL. My gran told me I had to drink milk each time I was thirsty when I was bf DS otherwise I wouldn't be able to feed him She didn't bf any of her 3 children and had young children at a time when formula really was being pushed (in the 60s). I asked her what cows did, as they clearly don't drink milk

No - you're a caring mum, who's also human. Cut yourself some slack - it's bloody hard. I used to feel knackered when breastfeeding, could never seem to eat enough!

Needles I certainly didn't, but will shut up now to avoid digressing from OP's comments (and refrain from commenting on bfing threads in future )

lagoon I had really problems with bfing and was gutted to not get it established. I really only wanted to help and didn't think my statement was 'damaging' - just adding to the debate and hopefully helping in the long-run. As I said to math, it was based on a friend's experience and not randomly made up for fun. But I appreciate there is a lot of passion around bfing, so fair enough. :_

I found 4 months the worst of all times. DS did the 2.5 hour feeding thing then got a growth spurt and started teething and I actually thought I couldn't go on. I did manage to get throught to 6 months ebf before I could wean but it nearly killed me. If I had been able to express enough, or had been able to give formula (we had been told not to because of a problem DS had) I would've made my dh do at least one night a week so I could recharge my batteries. Your sleep bank is so far in the negative it is hard to keep going. Can you manage to express enough to get through a night - your life will improve immeasurably.
As for not relaxing when you're out- you need to let it go as soon as you walk out of the house. They will muddle through and you worrying will not help. He shouldn't let you know she's upset he needs to deal with it.
I also had one of those sleep monitors because one of the midwives recommended it when ds was born as he did this fast breathing thing. It was one less thing to worry about.

Why not go back to full time work? I was at 4 months and I think it solves most of these problems. You may be a bit tired as I was but you get through it and you have 10 hours of a break. I also expressed milk at work and the babies fed to beyond 1 year old. Win win all round. Also your career does not suffer either.

Daisy, I know this is a digression, but you keep on getting in the odd little dig about 'militancy' and 'passion', and frankly it looks as if you have some sort of axe to grind.

There is a difference between contradicting myths and being 'militant' or 'passionate'.

I think that going back to work full time is the last thing you need! It will send the stress levels up. It will get better! Be kind to yourself, try and leave to get a break.

You shouldn't have to carry your DH through this. I think he is asking you to be his mummy in many little ways here, or you are assuming that role yourself. Take a look at your role and your expectations of yourself here and try to figure out how much of it is you,how much is him, and how much more he could realistically do.

You must get him to address the anxiety about cot death, and if he can't do this by recourse to rational thinking then he needs to go to his GP. Disturbing a baby's sleep because of his fear is not healthy.

math no axe to grind, honestly, I just find on some threads that when people disagree they don't simply say that. There's a lot of emotion attached to the disagreeing. I'm not saying you're doing that, but I have seen it happen. MN is fab but it can get v personal.

Hi moomin, you are not unreasonable in wanting a break, 4 months is a pretty intense stage.

My DS is nearly a year old and still breastfed, he has some serious allergies which still need to be fully tested but because of that he still relies heavily on breastmilk as his primary source of nutrition. Consequently, bonny boy that he is, he feeds very frequently, probably the same frequency as your LO except at night where he goes longer but still has 2-3 feeds. So I feel the same as you sometimes, especially with a 3yr old too. But that 3-4 month stage was the hardest for me too, they just need you so much and feeding does take much longer at that age, my DS is a pro now so only takes 10-15 mins max.

It will get easier, I promise, don't think that switching to formula or introducing food early will help. I FF my DD and sometimes they can guzzle bottles with amazing frequency too and you have the extra faff of sterilising which you don't have with BF. Don't worry how often you feed, it's just because their stomachs are so tiny and breast milk is easier and quicker to digest, it really is the best thing.

Sleeping with your baby is a really good idea if you're breastfeeding, they tend to feed in their sleep so don't need re-settling and you're more comfy too. I've been co-sleeping and it's great... you wouldn't have that option if you FF, getting up to make bottles is a killer. Just ride with it, it will get better!

Loveis - with you on this one. You were simply trying to raise a good point and were shot down in flames! My sister had low breast milk volume and she was breastfeeding for hours at a time when her baby was little. Hours. and he was still hungry. So she gave up and switched to formula and he was much happier.

So it was a good suggestion!

Everyone is an expert hey?

I did the same as Xenia. Went back to work and it was a nice break to start. Now that my DS is 18 months though work is now very stressful and working FT is very hard. I would rather be home with him because he is much easier! So it cuts both ways.

moomin how are you getting on?

If I were you I'd switch to mix feeding so that you can get a bit more of a break. Then one Saturday take the day off, leave baby with dad and some bottles, and go to a spa with a friend. Much more relaxing than going back to work full time. Also make sure that you get a few hours every night to just relax and take it in turns to get half a day each to yourselves on the weekend.