I am full of shame and have fallen so far below OK I can hardly look in the mirror. :( Long post - sorry

[AFraudAndAnIdiot]

This has the potential to be a stupidly long post, so forgive me if I try to keep it succinct and fail and/or come across as cold. I have nc for this post as I am so ashamed and don't want to out myself inadvertently

I aspire to be a really hard working, reliable person who my family can be proud of. I'm not. I'm a weasel.

I have undertaken a degree course in order to change careers to try to give family a better future.
I have enjoyed the full support of my fab DH and family. Getting the course done has been possible because my DH has looked after the kids while I work despite working full-time himself. We have split the childcare and housework so I have time to get my degree work done weekends and eves and go to lectures in week.
This has meant we hardly see each other and we have both been looking forward to the end when the pressure will come off both of us for a while.
I have been getting great marks all the way through and everyone is pleased with me and expecting great things.

I have just missed my dissertation deadline. Entirely my fault. I have had the time but I allowed myself to get frozen with fear and waste it until finally there was not enough time to complete the work. This means I have just completely screwed my chances of getting a decent mark (1st, maybe even 2.1) and making everyone proud.

This is only part of what I am ashamed of.

I have lied - bare-faced lies to my DH and family that all is well and it has been handed in OK. My DH who I adore and has put so much to one side to give this support in the faith and knowledge that I am doing my best has been duped.
It started small, I wasted a day, didn't like to say so (so much is given to make the day possible for me), as I couldn't explain why I had wasted the time and didn't plan to do it again. But I stuck my head in the sand time after time, and each time I couldn't admit it, until I found myself saying I was making progress but I wasn't at all. I got myself in deeper and deeper until I have had to say I finished the work, as the alternative was to admit I have been lying for weeks.
All because I can't face seeing myself diminish in his eyes if he knew the truth. That I am crap, he thinks I am great, I don't want to lose that - but deserve to. :(

So my amazing and supportive DH is married to a toad and a liar.

Additionally, the whole point of this course was to get a great job on completion and improve our circumstances, instead I have acted like the sort of person I wouldn't employ if you paid me - missed a very important deadline, has no integrity and has no faith in herself at all - who would employ that piece of shit?

I don't know how I can look myself in the eye again. I either maintain the deceit, and hate myself. Or I lose the respect and trust of everyone who has helped me, and hate myself. :(

I am not anywhere close to being the person I want to be, but it is my dirty secret and I burn with shame whenever anyone praises me for doing so well. :( :(

Ladymontdore I have about 80% remaining as I have done an ostrich job the king of ostriches would be impressed by.

SwedishEdith your kind support is too generous, you are right in what you say but I did lie - lots. When Dh asked me how I was doing I told him all was well, if he asked how my day had been I might say good productive, ro, not as productive as I wanted... real life bare-faced lies, even yesterday I was telling him it would be handed in on time OK.

Youarekidding I don't think resubmit is an option, though wish it was! I could easily hand in my work for a fail now to buy extra time! Must be an OU thing I think. My personal tutor has given me options and didn't mention that one.

Habbibu that is an excellent post thank you! You are right it would be stupid to let this Define Me as you say, and my personal tutor has suggested I speak to student services, I might be inclined to not (take help - me!), but think you have persuaded me I should. I am relieved to hear that you can be as high achieving as you and still have human failings I think I might be guilty of trying to measure up against an idealised version of what I think people are.

Everyone thank you for putting me back together again when I was broken earlier today - I am not sure I would have acted if you hadn't all been here, and you have made me feel slightly less utterly awful.

So the current situation is that after contacting tutor and your help, I spoke to friend who visited and echoed all the things you have all said, only in RL, and gave me a hug. She also helped me have the courage to tell DH when I didn't want to see the look on his face at all.

Personal tutor replied to say there are 3 choices of what to do next. One of these is a possible for me, though I have had to ask for further information to check I won't be jeopardising the year and facing a repeat! :(

DH came home 9pm. Long day at office and I broke the news. He took it very well, doesn't hate me and doesn't like it but can understand and wants to see about what to do next. He was nice and gave me hugs (which in a way were awful as it is hard to be shown love when you don't think you've earned it - but great to get as it means I have ruined everything )

His biggest disappointment was that we were counting down the days to the finish of it all when we can be a family again and now it is rolled back, if not to square one but prolonging the agony. Don't I know it. :(
He was at pains to say I mustn't beat myself up - so he has been the most supportive person you could ever hope to have on your side. :)

MissMogwi you are right I am keen to prove myself, and I have to get this right or the last 3 years of sacrifices we have all made will be for nothing. I am also expecting a DC in Autumn and possibly that has made a bit of a difference to my coping limits.

It went a lot better than you thought it would then? People forgive mistakes when your upfront with them.
And now the worst has happened it can only get better from there.

That is a fair summary Fridakahlo

If only I still didn't have to do the dissertation I might even be feeling happy now!!

Actually I am still full of shame, but DH doesn't hate me and that is good. :)

Good for you. Now use this as something to learn from - this could turn out to be a really positive thing in the long run if you use it right. The feelings of shame will fade, but get going on that dissertation and Ask For Help whenever and wherever you need to.

The thing I was most proud of in my academic career was developing the ability, in the middle of a room full of really bloody erudite and famous people, to stick my hand up and say "sorry, I don't understand". You would not believe the number of people who come up afterwards, saying "so glad you said that". It is, I think, more of a strength to recognise that you need help and ask for it, than to struggle on and fall into a hole. Right now you've fallen in a bit, but you have a rope out. Use it, learn from it, and achieve that bloody brilliant potential you have.

Just to echo habbibu - it is ok not to be perfect, you learn nothing from being perfect (even less from pretending to be and not asking!). You will now have to focus focus focus - but there is nothing like being up against the wire to focus the mind, i too have a PhD and i was sat in my supervisors office ten weeks before D day telling him i had written only one chapter ( a furhter four to go) and was not going to write up. You will be amazed what you can do when it is really it - now its really it and YOU CAN DO IT (if i can!) I am the queen of procrastinators, but as one of my tutors said to me - Procrastination is the theif of time (but then look who's talking) - he was a nightmare, never got work back to us etc, thts just academics for you

So glad things are getting sorted, it always seems worse when your frozen with the fear doesn't it? Once you start sorting things out, your perspective alters 10 fold. Good for you, and good luck for the future.