I am full of shame and have fallen so far below OK I can hardly look in the mirror. :( Long post - sorry

[AFraudAndAnIdiot]

This has the potential to be a stupidly long post, so forgive me if I try to keep it succinct and fail and/or come across as cold. I have nc for this post as I am so ashamed and don't want to out myself inadvertently

I aspire to be a really hard working, reliable person who my family can be proud of. I'm not. I'm a weasel.

I have undertaken a degree course in order to change careers to try to give family a better future.
I have enjoyed the full support of my fab DH and family. Getting the course done has been possible because my DH has looked after the kids while I work despite working full-time himself. We have split the childcare and housework so I have time to get my degree work done weekends and eves and go to lectures in week.
This has meant we hardly see each other and we have both been looking forward to the end when the pressure will come off both of us for a while.
I have been getting great marks all the way through and everyone is pleased with me and expecting great things.

I have just missed my dissertation deadline. Entirely my fault. I have had the time but I allowed myself to get frozen with fear and waste it until finally there was not enough time to complete the work. This means I have just completely screwed my chances of getting a decent mark (1st, maybe even 2.1) and making everyone proud.

This is only part of what I am ashamed of.

I have lied - bare-faced lies to my DH and family that all is well and it has been handed in OK. My DH who I adore and has put so much to one side to give this support in the faith and knowledge that I am doing my best has been duped.
It started small, I wasted a day, didn't like to say so (so much is given to make the day possible for me), as I couldn't explain why I had wasted the time and didn't plan to do it again. But I stuck my head in the sand time after time, and each time I couldn't admit it, until I found myself saying I was making progress but I wasn't at all. I got myself in deeper and deeper until I have had to say I finished the work, as the alternative was to admit I have been lying for weeks.
All because I can't face seeing myself diminish in his eyes if he knew the truth. That I am crap, he thinks I am great, I don't want to lose that - but deserve to. :(

So my amazing and supportive DH is married to a toad and a liar.

Additionally, the whole point of this course was to get a great job on completion and improve our circumstances, instead I have acted like the sort of person I wouldn't employ if you paid me - missed a very important deadline, has no integrity and has no faith in herself at all - who would employ that piece of shit?

I don't know how I can look myself in the eye again. I either maintain the deceit, and hate myself. Or I lose the respect and trust of everyone who has helped me, and hate myself. :(

I am not anywhere close to being the person I want to be, but it is my dirty secret and I burn with shame whenever anyone praises me for doing so well. :( :(

You need to talk to two people, and fast.

1. Your dissertation supervisor - an extension might well be possible. But the sooner you speak to them, the better chance you have.

2. Your husband. What you've done isn't unforgivable. He might be angry, he might be sad.... but whatever his response, you will be able to start moving forward.

Best wishes.

Stop that talk right now! You are not an awful person. You need to speak to your course head/student services TODAY and see if something can be sorted out.
I'm sure you're not the first person this has happened to. You do deserve a big clap for getting this far, it's a brilliant achievement. Someone who has been in the same situation will be along in a minute with great advice.

Meanwhile, stop beating yourself up, you have to work on sorting this out now.
Good luck.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I sympathise with your situation. I often find myself frozen with fear and last night I thought that I was having a heartache because I am so ashamed of myself.

Just to echo what jeee has said, all is not lost - make an appointment to see your supervisor. If you have had good results throughout your degree they will not want to see you fall at the last hurdle and will do what they can to help.

Im afraid you are going to have to tell your DH as well, he will be shocked but im sure he will understand.

You are not a liar, weasel or toad, you are just someone who got overwhelmed with workload/family juggle - now is your challenge, now you sort it out.

At least talk to your supervisor, make a plan, stick to it, i predict you'll be wearin a funny hat sometime soon xxx

You have acted like a normal student! Indeed, like a normal academic! (You'd be staggered at the number of professional lecturers etc who miss deadlines simply because things have got on top of them.) A dissertation is different from most other pieces of student work because it is the most independently led, and that can make one freeze terribly. OK, you've messed up but it's not the worst sin in the world. You need to fess up now and try to get it sorted, and in the end your DH will understand.

Don't be too hard on yourself. it sounds like you have been under a lot of pressure and just buckled. This can happen to anyone.

Do what has been suggested - start today to make moves to address the situation - first with your supervisor and then with DH. it will be scary but you will feel so much better when you have got over that 'bridge' and on the other side. Good luck!

DH has taken kids for many entire days out so allow me to work, at personal cost to us all as it meant we have had no family time for ages.

I may as well have joined in the fun and everything would have been better all along.

how can I tell him that was a pointless exercise and I have lied repeatedly?

I could tell him but it would crush the breath from my body if he saw me for what I am. I know I need to be honest - I don't know how I have lied so much, honesty is practically my middle name till now, but I don't know if I have the strength to take losing his respect.

I must lose his respect - I have lost my own - how can I expect him to be any different??!!!

I have contacted my supervisor (email)

Even that was a physical pain, but you give good advice i can't ignore it.

Not sure I can do it to my husband though. He thinks his wife is great - how can I burst that bubble?

However bad things seem, when you begin telling the university and your husband things will begin to improve. You will feel better. Honestly. But you must tell people now. Once again, good luck.

Stop beating yourself up! How about if you take a step back and tell your DH that you are further behind in your work and that you didn't like to worry him, rather than painting yourself as the wickest woman ever (you are not). Has he been in this situation? I am sure whethere he has done a dissertation or not he will be understanding.

i put things off too, it is one of my worst traits. But really, this can be sorted!

Bonniebumble I felt like that last night too. :(

His wife IS great! Make no mistake about that - look, i shouldnt say this really, but why dont you wait until you see what the outcome is with your supervisor and then make a plan, could you tell him that you have additional corrections to do on your dissertation (that is not totally unfeasible) and then make sure you get it done?

Speak to your supervisor, find out how the land lies before you talk to your DH, once you have a plan in place it will be easier to appraoch. You wont be the first to do this and i promise you your university will bend over backwards to help you.

I would speak to your personal tutor too.

None of us are perfect and the best thing to do when you've messed up, is turn and face the problem. People (including your husband) will respect you for it.
Running away and hiding from it on the other hand will not help you or your husband.
You've got this far, the end is in site.

Out of interest did Mumsnet have anything to do with missing deadlines? It's occurred to me recently that anything stressful or pressing that needs doing, that I find difficult, I tend to surf Mumsnet and bury my head in the sand for a while. Which obviously makes things ten times worse than just getting on with it.

I did it once before - a while back over a minor assignment which didn't make any difference to the degree in the scheme of things.

He told me I could come to him if I was struggling, he made me promise not to hide problems again as I don't need to.

This is what makes it so much worse, that he has reassured and supported in similar situation and I have still gone and done this stupid stupid thing, I kept thinking I could sort it on my own, that he didn't need to know how weak I was. I was convinced I could turn the ship around.

I couldn't, so have let him down on so many levels it isn't funny.

There's a third person you need to talk to and that's yourself! For goodness sake, you've procrastinated. It's completely and utterly NORMAL. It's because you are conscientious and have set high standards for yourself. Please. Stop with all the self-hate nonsense now.

Make a list (procrastinators are good a this) of who you need to talk, what you need to say and start at the top and work your way down. It will give you a sense of being back in control. Honestly, stop saying you've "lied". Not doing the work and gazing out of windows is still thinking time. You may have kidded yourself but your husband "gave" the time for you to use to do as you need. Missing your deadline is not the same as "lying" about it. You're not on a factory production line who must work at set times.

So, make that list. You will be fine.

You can't change what has already happened, but you can make the best of what happens now.

You've contacted your supervisor, and that is brilliant, and something to be proud of.

You do need to talk to your husband. I think you know that. I can't imagine he'll think any of those things you're worrying about.

You are so very close. Do what you can to salvage the situation, even if it means to don't get the graduation date you hoped for.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you.

Thank you everyone for being my voice of reason and reality.

Sandy yes I do use MN to procrastinate, but if it wasn't MN it'd be laundry, or arranging a birthday or...or...or...or

MN just happens to be the easiest one.

On the plus side I have helped quite a few people in the cause of avoiding work

Well, I have to go to collect DS now. Thanks for the kick up the backside. I'll check thread again later for more shoves in right direction, or update on personal tutor response.

How much do you have left to do? Is it that it's taken you longer than you thought or have you not even started?

OK, all is not lost. Do you have a pass level for the dissertation that allows to resubmit it? With my EMA's in OU if we get a certain % grade (as in bare fail) we can resubmit. Yes it means finishing a little later but if you submit what you have done you may be able to take this route? Hopefully your tutor will help you with this info.

You are not an awful person - studying is hard, people will help. The Uni will help - they are not in the habit of letting students fail - remember it doesn't reflect well on them either.

Let the people who love you help you - you do deserve it.

Best of luck

Don't worry, sort out the deadline with your tutor. They should be understanding as you have a young family.
I work from home when kids are at school and I find it hard to concentrate sometimes!! Mumsnet is not great for that either! Sometimes I end up working at night because I just haven't been able to concentrate in the day!

Look, here's the point at which you make a choice. You either give up, decide that this Very Normal Fuck up defines you entirely, or you decide that the only way is onwards and upwards, that the university will Not Be Shocked and that they do want good students to achieve their potential and so to do something about it. Phone student services. It's their job to help people in exactly your situation, and their greatest sorrow in my experience is students not getting in touch. Do it, and do it now.

Fwiw, I've got a phd, and yet still managed to entirely miss an ou final submission deadline. Academics are just as bad as anyone else at time management!

I can only echo what PP have said. I hope you have had some feedback from your supervisor and you are feeling ok?

It sounds like you are so keen to prove yourself, and the pressure sounds huge. We all put things off, right now I should be on a huge assignment in fact!

Keep your chin up.