I am failing at being a mum of 2 :-(

[TwoBedsAndACoffeeMachine]

Hi. DS1 is 4.8 yrs and is lovely though a little argumentative but on the whole a nice manageable happy little boy who eats well and sleeps brilliantly, does well at school.

DS2 is just 4 months old and is often over tired and crabby after only an hour or sometimes less awake time yet I can't get him to nap for more than half an hour at a time. He thankfully doesn't sleep too badly at night now but still wakes up for a feed but that's fine.

I just feel like I am on edge waiting for him to cry and mess up anything I am doing with DS1. This weekend we went to a theme park with DS1 and DS2 spent most of the time grizzling and crying in the pushchair dispite being fed, offered cuddles, changed etc.

When DS1 is at school I am bored and frustrated at listening to DS2's whinging and I am just not coping very well. I feel like I am not a good mum to DS1 anymore because I just haven't got enough time to play or bake with him like we used to. I do read to him and he has half an hour in the evenings alone with either DH or me for his bedtime when he gets story time and a general chat about the day but I feel it's not enough. I know people out there have more kids and manage perfectly well but I feel so overwhelmed and I am being spread too thinly. I miss DS1 and the mummy that I was to him. Now I am snappy and sometimes just down right nasty to him as he will drop something or do do something loudly (often by accident) when I am trying to get a screaming DS2 to sleep and I seem to take out all my frustration on DS1. We don't hit him ever but I do snap and seem constantly irritated which is not his fault and I don't want him to grow up remembering me like this!

How can I relax and sort myself out? I have gone from a dcent mummy to a shit one and I hate it.

Can you afford some childcare for DC2?

My kids are 14 months apart and I felt like this until DC2 was about 9 months. Except, I took it out on her and not DC1. I felt like she had spoilt the lovely little life me and DC1 had together

It does get easier. I promise. Mine (now 2 and 3) are like twins most of the time and are great at playing together. We cook and draw and sing together.

But, please do reach out for RL help if you need it. I never did, and it wasn't until afterwards that I realised how bad things had been in that time.

x

And, you are not a shit mum.

I have builders in my house at the moment and one of the plasterers has us all googly-eyed telling us stories about a mum who lives in the flat beneath him.

He's called SS and the police on her (as have other neighbours). SHE sounds like a shit mum.

You are under pressure and this is a difficult stage. Don't be so hard on yourself, it will get easier. Do you have any help, does the DC's father help out? Could you have someone watch the baby every now and then so that you and DS1 can do some fun things together?

Can you get any time to yourself in the evening? I found taking a break away from it all helped me to be less short-tempered.

It really does get easier- trust me!

I get the feeling that if baby was napping better in the day, everything would feel better. Whats your baby's sort of rough schedule of naps/awake time?

Babies this age shouldn't really be awake longer than 1.5 hrs-2hrs. Try tomorrow morning, look at the clock at about 1.5 hours after baby has awoken and fed, they will probably show some signs of being ready - this could be turning face away, rubbing eye, staring intently, or even suddenly thrashing arms. Try to get baby back to bed for a nap then. They may wake 45 mins later, but at this point try to get them back to sleep (dummy in, or shhh-ing) and they should have another 45 mins. Short naps can be a difficult habit to break as they need to be able to get back to sleep after the first sleep cycle. Short naps also means they get cranky a short while (within 1 hour) after, and want another nap then, which is likely to be short too as they've not been awake enough!

Thank you for replying. I keep hoping when DS2 is older and less demanding when he's crawling and walking and can play then it might get easier although I will need eyes in the back of my head! I have no idea how you coped with such a small age gap, must be lovely now they are older but I am barely coping even with a 4 year age gap and DS1 being at school! I feel like such a failure. Everyone else seems to sail through it and seeing other mums with their babies happy and cooing in the pram while mine screams is just so hard. DS1 was a tricky baby so I only hope he'll grow out of it the same as he did but for now I just need to make sure I don't screw up Ds1 and the life we had together. I am so unpredictable now and I don't like the fact that what wouldn't have wound me up before now turns me into nasty shouty mummy and poor DS1 just looks utterly bewildered. My poor little boy. I feel like I have ruined his life by having DS2 and although I love him I sometimes think how much easier life was and how much happier DS1 must have been.

I do try to put him back to sleep Pipinella but he is one of them babies that seem to wake up furious and there's nothing I can do. DS1 was the same til he was about 10 month old and even then he only ever napped on me until he was 2.5! (sounds inconvenient but I actually loved it and really miss him doing it now!) I just need to calm down and try and work on the nap thing again too. I am seriously crap at the baby bit and I am a shitty mum to them both now. Even cooking tea stresses me out and everything has to be so rushed! DH worls long holurs and I do most childcare and spend the days on my own with them. I feel like I am drowing and I can not keep failing them like this. I am horrible to them both :-( I resent DS2 for crying and even when he's awake I am constantly waiting for him to kick off and ruin things and it's not even his fault!

Ahh, I felt just the same. I felt I had ruined DS's life by having DD.

I was so tough with DD. I used to just put her in her cot at bedtime and let her cry . Makes me sad to even think I didn't want to comfort her.

Ironically, she's a total mummies girl and goes to bed without issue, sleeps through and was dry (day and night) by 2. And she's taken up Spanish.

It'll be OK. But do talk about how you are feeling, rant on here, or to friends in RL. And do try to get some time with out DS2... You need to have some time to clear your head. Even if it's only an hour or so.

Aw it really sounds like you need me to come round and give you a big hug and mug of tea xx

oohlordylordy thank you. I feel the same about ds2 sometimes I just don't want to comfort him. As much as I love him I just can't soothe him when he's crabby sometimes and I just need to be with ds1 and block out the crying for a few minutes :-(

yes pippinella that would be nice! I feel terrible for moaning. I am so lucky to have two beautiful boys and I just am not enjoying either of them at the minute. I feel like a total bitch. I try to make the days run as smoothly as possible but I end up running around flapping about organising things and getting Ds1's packup and uniform ready when he's eating his tea, so I can at least have a rest when they are in bed then when he's in the bath DH is flapping about trying to tidy tea pots etc and there's no time to actually enjoy either of them. Everything is so stressful, just int he mornings trying to get DS1 fed and ready for school on my own while changing and feeding DS2 leaves me feeling like I can't concentrate on either of them in the way they deserve.

I hired a babysitter to sit with DD.

Seriously. I did the house work etc., and she sat watching TV with the baby. I even used to bring her coffee.

I just needed time out.

For me, it was utterly unexpected - I had the whole rush of love thing with DS, I just expected it to be the same. But, trying to manage a newborn with the routine of a small child is SOOOO hard (my DH also works very long hours and I have no family locally) so to not feel this amazing love for DD was so upsetting and I didn't want to mention it to anyone for fear they would judge my parenting abilities.

Please believe me: It does get better.

My ds arrived when his sister was 2 years 9 months and no one ever wanted to look after him because he whinged a lot and puked up a lot. When he went to nursery age 3, things improved and I went back to work. But I found it hard to split myself in 2 and took me a while to realise I didn't need to be super mum!

I know your eldest isn't quite a toddler anymore, but have a look at The Toddler and Newborn Support Thread - it might reassure you that you're not alone in struggling to meet the needs of two children and get some ideas on what works/doesn't work for other people. It's a crazy balancing act, I know how it feels!

Give yourself a break! I remember very clearly when my second was born feeling very much that I was neglecting dd, and ds wasn't even a particularly difficult baby, just, well, a baby. I think these feelings are particularly bad when you go from one to two - it's hard to go from giving a child your undivided attention to giving them whatever attention you have left over from the baby! I felt downright mean. And snappy? Just call me Ms. Crocodile.

What really helped was lots of explaining to dd about what was happening, about why the baby's needs were seemingly being given preference over hers and also giving dd permission to be peed off about it ('babies can be a bit annoying at times, can't they?' etc) - the latter seemed to really help; once she knew she it was OK to be peed off at the baby, her behaviour (which had gone massively downhill since ds's birth) improved dramatically. And explaining that you get peed off sometimes, too! Also, of course, giving lots of re-assurance to dd that she was still loved also helped.

The best thing anybody ever said to me regarding being frustrated about a baby's whining and crying was: Remember, they're not doing it to piss you off! Many a time remembering that really helped me to cope when I was just about to leave the house and disappear into the night!

It will get better.

Do you have a sling? Mine was wonderful at that age. Dd2 would sleep in it and I could get on with doing stuff with dd1 hands-free. When she got a bit bigger I started doing back carries (about 8 months iirc) and it was great, especially for things like baking/cooking.

It's really hard with 2. I have never done anything harder in my life - you have to divide your attentions when you really want to be fully focused on both of them at the same time. I still have days where I feel like a crap mum and they are now 4.1 (DS) and 19 months (DD). Just this morning DD was howling for no real reason and so I shouted at her brother because he was trying to talk to me quite pleasantly and I couldn't cope with the noise from both of them and he was the one who was easy to shut up - yet she was being the 'unreasonable' one. Poor DS :( I did apologise to him after she had calmed down, but felt awful.

One suggestion that worked for me when DD was little was to have her in a sling - sometimes at home but pretty much always when out and about. She was close to me so more settled and happy and would nap properly while cuddled up to me, and it meant I had two hands free and a happy baby which meant I was more available to DS. And I found that I just did more of the things taht DD could do or sit patiently for - so we read an awful lot of books and watched Bob the Builder many times over in those early months.

The napping will get better. I used to hate it when DD woke as I never felt I had given DS enough time, but now she sleeps for 2 hours at lunchtime which gives me some precious time just with DS. And I get precious time just with her when DS is at preschool/nursery. I have noticed in teh last couple of monthst that they get on really well and play together or at least alongside each other quite happily and I realise that it was a short period of time where it was really hard.

Have you addresssed why your baby is so crabby? Are you bf or ff? Is he hungry? Does he have colic or reflux? Are you assuming he is tired when in fact he needs to be picked up or fed?

I think some babies genuinely hate prams. My DS1 would sleep for hours in a pram from birth but neither DS2 or DD would tolerate it and I had to either carry them or put them in a sling. Once they hit 6 - 7 months and could sit up, they went quite happily in the pram. I just don't think they liked lying down.

You will find that over the next months, things will chang particularly as you introduce solids and thus can get more of a routine going. There is a similar age gap between my 2 boys and they are fantastic together. You are not spoiling your son's life. You are giving him siblings with whom he will have a life bond.

Thanks all. It's so nice to know I am not the only one who has felt this way. D1 also hated the pushchair so I think it's just a frustration thing. I pick up DS2 and try to soothe him and cuddle him but that doesn't stop him when he is already crying. He seems to need to go to sleep every hour. I do sing to him, hold him, cuddle him, talk to him etc but nothing really helps. He doesn't cry constantly, I am probably making it sound worse than it is but he is just very unsettled at times and since DS1 was a grumpy baby too I assume it's just the kind of babies we make . I have had DS2 at the doctors and tried reflux medication (ranatidine??) but it didn't seem to help much. He doesn't cry after feeding in particular or dislike beong laid down. He is just generally high maintenance and gets bored easily. He fidgets and fusses when I sit him on my knee and seems to want to be sitting up on his own but obviously can't. DS1 was eactly the same and until he could walk was a bit of a nightmare really. I just feel I can't do it all again while poor DS1 has to sit back and watch me screw up.

TwoBeds I totally get were you are coming from the shock of going from one to two is immense!. Don't ever feel that you have ruined your first child's fun by having your second soon they will be giggling and playing together and you will realise why giving him a sibling is the best thing you could have done for him. How do you feel I only ask because I felt that anxiety around making dinner, trying to get the baby to sleep and that guilt of not having time for DD1 very sharply just before I had a touch of depression-I am not suggesting you are anxious or depressed but just saying take care get plenty of rest and plenty of breaks and time for yourself were possible having to can leave you tired and without much reserve!...remember this too will pass...and soon you will be thinking how easy it has all become.

*having two-not to!

Have been here...it's tough in the first 6 months with the second one, but it does get easier. I was also snappy with DS1, shouted at him, etc. Not proud of myself (and did explain to DS1 why I snapped at him straight away, so he did not blame himself).

If you can get help in for a few hours each week, it will make all the difference to you.

You'll look back on it all and realise it was just a phase just like everything else. My two are 5yo and nearly 2yo, and interacting well. Makes life that bit more bearable!

Thank you everyone. Cheifpotterer I do suffer from anxiety anyway and I was extremely anxious when DS1 was a baby too. Something about the baby phase seems to bring out the worst in me. I feel like I never really understand why they are crying and I just dread the next meltdown :-( I wouldn't say I am depressed as such but definitely feel more anxious than most mums I am sure. I've always been a bit of a worrier and hearing my baby cries kills me every time I just feel like I am on over drive all the time trying to stop either of them from getting upset! I was terrible when DS1 was a baby, it was all just too much and I didn't enjoy any of it til he could walk and talk and sadly I am wishing time away with DS2 aswell. I feel such a bitch because I look back at DS1's babyhood and though it was gorrific for me it went so fast with hindsight and I was determined to enjoy it this time but I am not dealing with it well this time either. I just feel like a failure. I was so organised and had endless time when it was just me and DS1 and now I feel like he has got short changed a bit.

horrific, not gorrific! x

You are so not alone in feeling like this. There's 3.5 years between my DDs and when DD2 arrived, DD1 world seemed to fall around her. She's a mummy's girl and all of a sudden someone else was taking so much of mummy's time. dD2 was a poor sleeper so I felt I couldn't give DD1 any quality time and being tired I was snappy.
As others have said a sling really helped as she slept better or was happy to be involved. dD2 hated the pram and the walk home from school with her in a sling meant I could hold DD1 hand properly and chat with her etc. Once your youngest can sit up you' ll probably be able to do more together things - baking with the little one hitting pans on the floor, arty stuff with the little one eating crayons and crumpling paper in the high chair etc.
It does get better, keep talking to people and take up offers from other people that allows you one to one time with either of your children or time for you.
A friend of mine said to me when I was talking about how difficult I was finding managing two, "yep, some times it's double the work, usually it's squared and you always get those cubed days when you could really do without them". . Those mums who you think don't feel like you probably do at least some of the time.
Mine are now nearly 5 and 15 months and it's a lot easier, although we still have our fair share of squared days! And I've accepted that it takes a lot of organisation to maintain managable chaos.

TwoBeds are you on meds for your anxiety? I am on ADs for anxiety and depression-the difference they have made is amazing, I enjoy my two children and love my life-I used to wish the day away when my 2nd was a baby just so I could get them to bed!. It is a tough time perhaps you should speak to your GP just to see if they can help-you do not have to suffer this anxiety. Also as we have all said it gets so much easier with time-hang in there you are doing a great job.