I am failing at being a mum of 2 :-(

[TwoBedsAndACoffeeMachine]

Hi. DS1 is 4.8 yrs and is lovely though a little argumentative but on the whole a nice manageable happy little boy who eats well and sleeps brilliantly, does well at school.

DS2 is just 4 months old and is often over tired and crabby after only an hour or sometimes less awake time yet I can't get him to nap for more than half an hour at a time. He thankfully doesn't sleep too badly at night now but still wakes up for a feed but that's fine.

I just feel like I am on edge waiting for him to cry and mess up anything I am doing with DS1. This weekend we went to a theme park with DS1 and DS2 spent most of the time grizzling and crying in the pushchair dispite being fed, offered cuddles, changed etc.

When DS1 is at school I am bored and frustrated at listening to DS2's whinging and I am just not coping very well. I feel like I am not a good mum to DS1 anymore because I just haven't got enough time to play or bake with him like we used to. I do read to him and he has half an hour in the evenings alone with either DH or me for his bedtime when he gets story time and a general chat about the day but I feel it's not enough. I know people out there have more kids and manage perfectly well but I feel so overwhelmed and I am being spread too thinly. I miss DS1 and the mummy that I was to him. Now I am snappy and sometimes just down right nasty to him as he will drop something or do do something loudly (often by accident) when I am trying to get a screaming DS2 to sleep and I seem to take out all my frustration on DS1. We don't hit him ever but I do snap and seem constantly irritated which is not his fault and I don't want him to grow up remembering me like this!

How can I relax and sort myself out? I have gone from a dcent mummy to a shit one and I hate it.

Hi sorry for the delay. I have been busy with the DCS being ill which has been awful but won't go into it haha!!! I am not not on meds for the anxiety cheif it's something I have suffered from since my mum died when I was a child. I have always been a worrier and get easily stressed by pressure. DS1 to his credit has been a star sine ds2 arrived, no jealousy or nastiness at all so it really is just me who is making it awful for ds1. I feel so stressed waiting for ds2 to cry even when dh is here I am just so crap at the baby bit and it's impacting horribly on the whole family :-(

Hey,
just by writing here you already show that you are a wonderful mum! THe worst ones will not try to get better, will not look for help.... It took me 5 years to find what worked for me, but I found it only because I never stopped looking :) It does not need to take THAT long, of course but someof us are....well, a bit slow
If crying is what gets you, perhaps carrying DS2 in a sling will help you? UNless you have a bad back, this is a great way of stopping the fussing that comes from being separated from mummy. I would have gone nuts hearing either of mine screaming in the pram but as I carried them in the sling rather frequently, both in the house and out, there was a lot less of crying. Slings are also an excellent way to get them sleep more. My DS2 often dozed in the sling whilst I was playing with DS1. More of the similar advice and other tips to bond with your baby whilst still showing your love to the older one can be found in The Baby Book by Sears and Sears.
Another thing -- does your DS1 feel that DS2 is somehow in the way in his relationship with you? From your description it sounds like it is just you who feels that way rather than him ;) . You could also find ways to involve him in looking after baby, you would do things together with the baby. After all, your DS1 will have his brother next to him hopefully for more of his life than you, so it is good to establish a strong bond between the two of them early on... I recently saw two elderly men, from their looks clearly brothers, possibly twins, walking down the street engaged in such a friendly, happy chat...and I nearly cried thinking that one day my boys will be old, and they will no longer have me but they will have each other :)
And finally, if crying is your main thing, it is perhaps helpful to know that beyond the obvious needs being met, children and babies need to let out some stress that accumulates every day (confusion about the big world around them first fears) by crying. Tears contain stress hormones that body needs to gwt out so in that sense it is good for them to cry. And if you know they have no other physical needs, it might be just that emotional one in which case it is enough to just hold the baby and accept its crying (see for instance Aletha Solter's The aware baby or Tears and tantrums.

4 months is still such a difficult time, and you're probably still getting used to the huge change to your lives and also sleep deprived which doesn't help. So you're probably doing a lot better than you think. Hang in there.

Ref the anxiety I found CBT really helpful after my DD was born. Also, I got a sling when my DD was 4 months for the same reasons as you (minus the older child!) Def try one if you haven't already.

Thank you to all of you for replying. Mayamama your comments about the two elderly men and your boys still having eachother when you are gone nearly made me cry! Thank you. I need to remind myself about why we had DS2 and the future rather than getting caught up and anxious over the way things are right now. Easier said than done though! I feel like everytime DS2 cries I am desperate to find out why and sometimes it just feels like there is no reason and therefore the only conclusion I can come to is that I have failed him. DS1 was exactly the same as a baby, if not worse with his grumpiness and I felt exactly the same. Dreading every meltdown, trying to make excuses for him to family and friends and eventually just stopped meeting up with people as I was sick of making excuses when in reality I just didn't have a clue. It made me feel very overwhelmes and trapped and stupidly although this time I know it's temporary I feel exactly the same again. I feel so guilty that I am on edge all the time and I want to make DS1 not pick up on it but of course he must do.

Yoiu are right though. It is me who feels DS2 has come between me and DS1, DS1 remarkably has shown no jealousy or resentment at all. Not a single negative comment about his brother. In fact quite the oposite, all he does is kiss him and say how cute he is etc etc. This kind of makes me feel even more guilty as a 4 yr old has adapted to the changes better than a 29 yr old! Basically I just feel guilty and shit whenever I don't entertain both of them even though they don't need it. I can't help but feel like this.

Thank you Posypoo, I realise I am probably still adapting and it's not easy. I just thought after DS1 I would now what I was doing with babies but the reality is that I just am useless. I have no idea what to do to entertain DS2 and I feel like he's constantly either in the sling when we're out walking and he's asleep, or he's being fed or on an endless circuit of bouncer chair, arms, playmat but actually I just don't know what you do with babies. I talk to him and sing to him but it all feels very forced and I don't enjoy being around him which makes me so sad when I see other mum's cooing and laughing with their babies. I just feel bored . I love him and want to protect him but I don't actually feel like I know him. He's just a baby and I am just wishing time away. I felt the same with DS1 until he was about 2 and I so wanted it to be different this time.

Sorry, I know I am rambling! I don't even know what I am looking for. Just reassurance that it gets better I suppose. x

Things WILL get better :) No question about that. But in the meanwhile, as you wait for that better stage to start :), perhaps you can think of things that you really enjoy music, flowers, walking, swimming? anything, really and share your passion with the baby. that might help to bond with him, perhaps. looking at pictures, going for walks, pointing out what you like to see, hear, do...
take care
M

I hired a part time nanny when ds was 3 months and dd was 3. She saved my life. I could NOT have managed without her. Dont be so hard on yourself. Coping with 2 dcs alone is tough for everyone. Is there anyone you can ask/pay for help?