Problems with Grandparents

[charlie69]

Our little girl is 10 months. My MIL has wanted her to sleep over once a week and has been doing since she was 5 months old. This is the only arrangement she wants as it is what she did with her other grandchild when he was young. We agreed. The situation has changed slightly. She has terminal cancer and is under treatment. Although she is well at the moment she is weak and gets tired easily. She can not lift my daughter much and doesnt have much energy. She relies on her husband for most things. She still insists she can manage my daughter overnight and will not back down over this. Myself and my partner have had our problems with them in the past regarding the way they deal with our daughter. They dont give her set meals. Her grandfather constantly feeds her every minute of the day and it is mostly rubbish and thats just what we have seen. We know when we are not there it is worse. We had a word with them about it and outlined what we found acceptable and what we wanted. We remained respectful and tried not to hurt anyones feelings. We are very aware what positivity they bring to our little girl. This was fine but not long after she kept coming home with a very, very sore bum. There was a pattern. She was ok while with us all week but the very day she came home from their house it was very, very bad. Again we discussed it with them and the next week it had stopped being an issue. There are other little things. When she has been to them she will not eat anything we put in fron of her for the rest of the day. They sleep with her is a cot in their room and grandfather goes out to the pub everytime she stays and comes home very drunk. I am not sure if she is waking our little girl but he often wakes his wife in the early hours. She then gets u with her in the morning while he sleeps in. Anyway, things have been ok until this weekend. She went up on Friday as usual and was given a ginerbread man at 9am in the morning to eat. My husband said maybe this was not a good idea but they gave it to her anyway and told him not to be so mean. Then Saturday we went to fetch her. She was just about to sit in the high chair for dinner of toast and beans but after 2 mins she had not eaten it. Her grandfather took her out of the chair and said Oh Dear you want something good to eat. He proceeded to given her 2 oranges 1 large bannana, ice cream and a large egg custard. I heard my husband having a word with his father in the other room. When we got her home her bottom was the worse thing i have every seen. My husband was mad. I tried to calm him and keep the peace. But I agree with him. He said they need top be responsible if they want to take her over night. We have told them nicely about feeding her too much and giving her too much sweet stuff but they are just doing what they want. They listen for a week or two then its back to their way. We are not unreasonable people. Of course they want to treat her. We are fair people and good parents but they have to listen to us. She is our daughter. Give her a treat my all means but not all the time. They have no routine with her at all. She gets an afternnon nap but she is lucky to her an hour occaisionally. They put her in the pram in the room but her grandfather will not leave her alone and is forever walking in and checking on her. He doesnt want her to sleep as this does not amuse him. Its cruel. My husband is more concerned about the feeding and her sore bottom. She screamed when I changed her. I have tried to see both sides and have said that maybe this was just teething this time. It might not be their fault this time but I do agree about the feeding issue. This has been a conern of mine for a long time and my husband knows how I feel. I do not think she can deal with my daughter so I think the respobsibility is going to her husband. He is an old fashioned man but didnt deal with his own kids so he doesnt have a clue. I am unsure if they are able to deal with her overnight and would rather they didnt. I took her to the doctors today and she has had diarrhea since she came back from their house. He said it could be many things that have caused it. He said the reason her bum is sore is due to the nappy not being changed quick enough. I told him about my worries. He said that he can not say if it is something they are doing/not doing but i told him what they give her to eat/drink and he said this could be an issue. He said why do they want her over night, would a day/afternoon not be more appropriate. I am not pointing the finger of blame as the doc said it could be anything but all these issues add to my concerns. We just do not know what to do and we do not want to upset a woman with enough on her plate. Please help us

Phew it was hard to read, and I did give up but read enough to wonder why on earth you are letting your 10 month old stay over. The unsuitable food and nappy rash would have been a dealbreaker for me.
Just say no

That's a lot of sweet food they are giving her! I give my children quite a lot of treats but not INSTEAD of dinner.

Your father in law is also telling her that proper food is horrible and although she can't understand at the moment she will when she is older.

Perhaps your husband could insist that your daughter doesn't stay on the basis that its too much for his mum right now.

Poor them

I would put my foot down - a half day visit, in the morning when she's less likely to nap.

I read it all, please just say no. Only let her go for supervised visits with you or your OH present. Why are they so determined for overnight? The coming home drunk would concern me, the sore bottom, the feeding...I would let it happen again. I assuming the sore bottom is nappy rash and not something more sinister? I would not allow my child to go alone again, the correct care simply is not there. It's not fair on your child.

I meant i wouldn't let it happen again sorry for typo!

You have to put your daughters welfare first even if it upsets the grandparents. You have given fair warning by bringing your concerns to their attention numerous times - they are adults and have chosen not to respect your requests - simple - she stops staying over and visits under your supervision. A lady ill and weak with cancer and a grandfather drunk whilst in charge is not the place for your little girl to be!

She is a child. A small person, not a toy, a pet, or a source of entertainment.

You need to just say no.

P.s for our sanity - paragraphs!!!! :)

Poor you, sounds very awkward :( (I can see why paragraphs are not your top priority so I wouldn't worry about that)

I think all you can do is be honest. I know its easier said then done but you do have to put your daughter first. If they really love her they will understand. I hope it all goes well.

Paragraphs so what? I had no trouble reading this!
Yanbu to not let her sleep over, there's no way i would. Maybe when she is older it would be more appropriate but not now- if you dont stand up for her, who will?

Thankyou soooo much everyone and I am sorry about the lack of paragraphs. I just didnt think and I havent done this before. I am quite upset about my situation to be honest and just to hear someone else say they understand is a real help. I must say I have been shedding a few tears.

I am dreading Friday when they take her again. She has been unwell with her sore bum and thay dont even call to see if she is ok. They will ring Thursday night to see what time we are dropping her off I suppose.

As i advised, I took her to the doctors as this is the 2nd time she has had a very sore bottom. He said it could be a bug, nappy rash many things really but the reason it is sore is the lenght of time the nappy has been in contact with her bottom. I dont think it is anything more sinister but again, she stays overnight and I do not know what is going on. They dont tell us anything and I sometime find things get mentioned well after the event which sometimes concerns me.

I told him about my problem and he said we can not say for certain that this time it was caused by anything they are doing. However, last time there was a clear pattern and she only got it when she went to them, then it cleared up and so on - this went on for 4 weeks until we told them. The doctor said "why is she staying overnight anyway, is this not a little too much". He said that citrus foods, juice and some other things could cause the sore bum. Trust me she gets these things in abundance.

Me and my husband had a chat about it last night. He is concerned about the sore bum but I am not sure they have caused it this time. I am more concerned over the general standard of care they are giving her. Dont get me wrong they are not cruel or anythng like that but over time we have seen the lack of routine, the constant feeding, the never ending sweets etc. We have told then on a couple of occaisions and it changes for a few weeks but then goes back to normal again.

I said to my husband that she needs routine when she goes there. Breakfast, a snack, lunch, afternoon snack then tea. She needs to be put down somewhere quiet to nap when she is tired. I know they might not be able to stick to this all the time but at the moment one meal runs into another. She is allowed to come and go as she wants. Eating sweets constantly and her grandfather often runs around after her with the food on the spoon.

The doctors asked if maybe the problem was that her grandmother can not do so much now so the main responsibility is with the grandfather. The doc said and I bet he is old fashioned and is not able to give quite the same standard of care as his wife. I agree with this but she doesnt tell him when he is force feeding her (you see she dare not tell him, he is a very forcefull character and she is alittle scared of him)

I know we can not tell her grandfather that he should not go out and get drunk as that is up to them but I would have thought he would not want to do this whilst his grand-daughter is staying there.

Both myself and my husband tend to agree on all points. We just do not know how to deal with it. We feel we cant just say that she is not staying over anymore. I know this sounds stupid as she is our responsibility, our daughter, but she lives for our little girl. My husband says he is going to tell her about the sore bum and ask her if they are coping. This is all well and good but she will say yes and what will that resolve.

The good thing is that me and my husband sit and talk about these this. He knows exactly how I feel. I feel that this was all to suit them from the beginning. They want to have my daughter overnight but they are not willing to adapt themselves to accommodate this. He still wants to go out as he usually does etc. She is my first child and I was silly to agree this arrangement in the first place but thats my fault.

I also think we could have been more vocal about what we expected/wanted and communicated more but they are not my parents and my husband doesnt want to rock the boat especially with his mother being ill and it is easy to let trivial matters enter the problem.

I believe the answer is to stop her staying overnight and make another arrangement such as them having her for the day but I dont think this is going to happen. I am just so tired of it all. Thanks for listening.

Stop doing this. It's bad for your daughter and is clearly causing you issues. Stop it now. You do not have to accommodate them, your daughter's welfare comes first, full stop. These are not trivial matters. To be honest I can't believe you've let her stay overnight this long. A visit of a couple of hours is enough. They are clearly not coping - the facts speak for themselves. To be perfectly frank, what they're doing counts as neglect. Your husband needs to tell them this is not happening any more. It doesn't matter a shred how your MIL feels about her, she is your daughter and what you say goes. Stop this for your daughter's sake and your own.

OMG, this is going to sound do mean, but please get a back bone!!!!! She is you daughter for goodness sake, the standard of care is not good enough so say STOP this is not happening anymore. The care and wellbe

Well being of your daughter is more important than the feel

Feeling of the grandparents whether she has cancer or not. You are not protecting your daughter, you know something is wrong yet you still send her! It is crazy.

(sorry about broken posts I'm on iPod and I kept touching post by mistake.

I actually cannot believe you are still sending her and leaving her like this. By allowing it to happen you are both being as bad as the grandparents. There is clearly issues yet you still send her for fear of upset. It is so very sad for your little one.

Also in your posts, you make it sound like you have no control like this is happening and there is no way out . There is something you can do. You can be strong and say NO.

Goodness me. I can understand why you don't want to upset your IL's but I think you know what has to happen here. Break the cycle. Tell them that she's ill this week (she has got a sore bum hasn't she?). Then think of how you cam handle it from here on in.

You can say no. They will probably be upset, but really it sounds like they're not up to looking after a baby overnight by themselves. Yes, they will probably lay some horrendous guilt trips on you, but you're not stopping them seeing their granddaughter, you're just stopping the overnights for the time being.

And GF's excessive drinking would really worry me.

She is your child, they are in no way entitled to overnight contact - a court wouldn't order for a child of that age to a separated father for goodness sake! Protect her and keep her at home, they are being entirely unreasonable. I don't like how possessive it is for them to demand overnight contact!

Your MIL's terminal illness and your daughter's well-being are 2 separate issues so stop confusing them. The sleepovers need to stop and your MIL needs to have regular visits from you / your DH and DD.

Agree with Scrambled - the drunkenness is a major issue.