Problems with Grandparents

[charlie69]

Our little girl is 10 months. My MIL has wanted her to sleep over once a week and has been doing since she was 5 months old. This is the only arrangement she wants as it is what she did with her other grandchild when he was young. We agreed. The situation has changed slightly. She has terminal cancer and is under treatment. Although she is well at the moment she is weak and gets tired easily. She can not lift my daughter much and doesnt have much energy. She relies on her husband for most things. She still insists she can manage my daughter overnight and will not back down over this. Myself and my partner have had our problems with them in the past regarding the way they deal with our daughter. They dont give her set meals. Her grandfather constantly feeds her every minute of the day and it is mostly rubbish and thats just what we have seen. We know when we are not there it is worse. We had a word with them about it and outlined what we found acceptable and what we wanted. We remained respectful and tried not to hurt anyones feelings. We are very aware what positivity they bring to our little girl. This was fine but not long after she kept coming home with a very, very sore bum. There was a pattern. She was ok while with us all week but the very day she came home from their house it was very, very bad. Again we discussed it with them and the next week it had stopped being an issue. There are other little things. When she has been to them she will not eat anything we put in fron of her for the rest of the day. They sleep with her is a cot in their room and grandfather goes out to the pub everytime she stays and comes home very drunk. I am not sure if she is waking our little girl but he often wakes his wife in the early hours. She then gets u with her in the morning while he sleeps in. Anyway, things have been ok until this weekend. She went up on Friday as usual and was given a ginerbread man at 9am in the morning to eat. My husband said maybe this was not a good idea but they gave it to her anyway and told him not to be so mean. Then Saturday we went to fetch her. She was just about to sit in the high chair for dinner of toast and beans but after 2 mins she had not eaten it. Her grandfather took her out of the chair and said Oh Dear you want something good to eat. He proceeded to given her 2 oranges 1 large bannana, ice cream and a large egg custard. I heard my husband having a word with his father in the other room. When we got her home her bottom was the worse thing i have every seen. My husband was mad. I tried to calm him and keep the peace. But I agree with him. He said they need top be responsible if they want to take her over night. We have told them nicely about feeding her too much and giving her too much sweet stuff but they are just doing what they want. They listen for a week or two then its back to their way. We are not unreasonable people. Of course they want to treat her. We are fair people and good parents but they have to listen to us. She is our daughter. Give her a treat my all means but not all the time. They have no routine with her at all. She gets an afternnon nap but she is lucky to her an hour occaisionally. They put her in the pram in the room but her grandfather will not leave her alone and is forever walking in and checking on her. He doesnt want her to sleep as this does not amuse him. Its cruel. My husband is more concerned about the feeding and her sore bottom. She screamed when I changed her. I have tried to see both sides and have said that maybe this was just teething this time. It might not be their fault this time but I do agree about the feeding issue. This has been a conern of mine for a long time and my husband knows how I feel. I do not think she can deal with my daughter so I think the respobsibility is going to her husband. He is an old fashioned man but didnt deal with his own kids so he doesnt have a clue. I am unsure if they are able to deal with her overnight and would rather they didnt. I took her to the doctors today and she has had diarrhea since she came back from their house. He said it could be many things that have caused it. He said the reason her bum is sore is due to the nappy not being changed quick enough. I told him about my worries. He said that he can not say if it is something they are doing/not doing but i told him what they give her to eat/drink and he said this could be an issue. He said why do they want her over night, would a day/afternoon not be more appropriate. I am not pointing the finger of blame as the doc said it could be anything but all these issues add to my concerns. We just do not know what to do and we do not want to upset a woman with enough on her plate. Please help us

It's horrible that your mil has terminal cancer but it doesn't mean that she gets to demand her very young gd comes to stay every week!

When they ring up this Thursday, say she's not coming this week as we have other plans. Make something up and do it if needs be.

In the same conversation say 'but we (ie all of you) could come to visit for a couple of hours (or however long you want) on Sunday instead (or whenever is good for you) so that you're not cutting off contact completely.

And make sure you are out of the house when they say they will call around if they insist they are still taking her. If they are still there when you get back then be very surprised and say 'But you knew we were going to be out. You knew we said she wasn't coming to you. Doesn't matter how long you stay there for, she is not leaving her home today and she is not coming to stay with you. If they try to persuade you some more, then actually tell them to stop being ridiculous and stop bullying you, she is your dd and she is staying with you. final. Sometimes telling somebody this will stop them because they will then start to try to justify that they are not being ridiculous or bullying but you can point out they are repeatedly trying to make you do something unreasonable, how is that not bullying. Difficult I know but try to match FIL confidence in himself with confidence in yourselves that you are right - you might have to think through everything he would say and then how you would react in advance, so that when you do talk to him you are prepared and don't end up giving in.

They know that they have a good trump card to guilt you by saying that mil is terminally ill but this doesn't mean that they get to have your dd - just means that you try to visit them a bit more often.

You could try saying that you can't cope without having her at home, that it's too much for her to be away so young.

Or you could be brutally honest and say that she has been ill every time she comes back from you and I'm not prepared to do that to her any more. we'll all visit together or nothing.

It would be different if she was staying there for an occasional hour or two while you went to the doctor/shops/hairdresser/sleep/etc - a few sweetie treats from grandpa and a nappy left on a bit long wouldn't make much of a difference. But that's not the case. And you are seeing time and time again that staying with the PIL is causing problems with for child.

And now you have taken her to the gp so they will start to see a pattern too if you keep taking her in after repeated trips to PIL and they might start to ask why are you letting her go if this keeps happening? So tell them that for the while the doctor has advised that dd should stay with you and that she is too young to be away on her own etc etc (tweak to make it as strong as you want), particularly if they are likely to believe you have to follow doctor's orders. And if they don't then - works both ways - they are telling you to ignore the doctor's orders and let her stay with them - why would you ignore the doctor's orders in this instance when you want to follow them?

Just out of interest - did your mil hand your dh over to her PIL every week when he was so young? Do you know why she feels such a strong entitlement to have so much access to your child?

Good luck - take strength from the support of MN - I don't think you are going to find anyone on here that thinks that you are being unreasonable by not sending your dd to your PIL just because they want her. In fact - ask - friends, family, MN _- I bet you will find very few people who would send their dd in such a situation. So be strong for your dd and stand up for her.

Trust yourself & your own judgement & from what you've said, don't send her. You & your husbands first responsibility must always be to your dd & they'll just have to get over it.

Very well said Zipzap!

She's your daughter and you are responsible for making sure that she's well cared for. It's your responsibility to make sure that she doesn't come to any harm. You need to put your daughter first and you know that in these cirumstances she's not being looked after properly.

Perhaps you need to get together with your dh and fib to gps to prevent hurt feelings. Tell them that dd is sleeping poorly at night and you're getting up countless time to her during the night. It wouldn't be fair to expect gps to have to do this, especially as mil has cancer and needs to rest. Tell then overnight stays can start again when your dd is sleeping better (and then make sure it's not for a long time).

Gps won't like it but, as I said, it's your responsibility as her parents.

Get a backbone. I know with terminal cancer etc they are just trying to spoil their granddaughter in any way they can but there is a limit. Your daughters welfare is being jeopardised.

If it was me I would be very very firm. They see her at your house, supervised at their house or not at all.

Zipzap has made some very good points OP. You owe it to your DD to look after her wellbeing. I know you feel obligated to be kind to your MIL because she is dying but there's just no excuse for the neglect, ill-treatment and blatantly disregard of your DDs needs.

Let's not sugar-coat the situation. Your PILs are over/force-feeding your daughter, leaving her in a dirty nappy and keeping her awake for their own amusement when she needs to sleep. Your FIL is tending to your child whilst drunk, your MIL knows how your FIL is with her and is happy to let it continue.. At the moment so are you and your DH. I know it's not what you want but so far it seems like you've done nothing about it.

I have never let DS's grandparents have him overnight and I honestly don't know if I ever will. I've seen my dad be overly rough with his partners grandchildren and I don't like how he speaks to the children she childminds, my mum was abusive to me throughout my childhood physically and emotionally while my dad stood by. My PIL smoke and that's reason enough for me not to let him stay there. I consider it my responsibility to look after his welfare all the while he's too small to look after himself. Who gives a shit about insulting anyone's feelings in the process?!

In your situation the things you mention would happen once, I'd have a very serious chat with the PILs and if it happened again they would never have unsupervised contact again. I'd find this kind of neglect impossible to forgive and very hard to forget.. Why are you continuing to let it happen?

You seem much nicer than me in this situation - I'm nice but when it comes to those I care about I am passionately protective.. I think it's about time you put a stop to this situation once and for all

Your very young lovely daughter is being MISTREATED when she stays at her GPs.

Cancer is not an excuse for mistreating a baby or for allowing a partner to mistreat a baby.

You need to stop this happening now. She cannot protect herself. You have to.

You and your husband are in complete agreement so together you can sort this out. You don't have to be harsh or even bring up anything that has happened, just say that you will be coming over for morning visits and no more staying over night for the time being.

Tell them that your DD is ill and the doctor has said she's not to go away overnight if telling a fib to spare their feelings will make it easier for them to accept.

But whatever you do don't let this go on as it isn't right for your poor DD. She needs you to look after her so you need to do that. Put her feelings first.

I have a similar situation with a MIL who is unwell and not able to lift/control my toddler but is an enthusiastic grandparent who insists that she should be able to have our son by herself.

I'm afraid that I have just said no and will continue to do so as she is not going to get stronger. She visits regularly and plays with him at our house when we are nearby. In terms of priorities, my son's safety comes way before keeping her happy.

Totally agree with stopping the overnight stays, for all the reasons given. Blame the DR for it if you need to, but short supervised contact with the GP's is the way to go now. MIL won't get any better and FIL will probably drink more to cope.

If MIL gets tired easily it would be better for her for you to do short visits during the day. Take your own food for the baby, and feed her at the usual time, try to avoid mealtimes so that you will only need to give a snack and a drink. If they give sweets and biscuits, say you'll take them home with you (and don't give them if you don't want to) You can change her as soon as needed and can keep an eye on FIL if he's had a drink. It would be best if DH was with you on visits so that he can back you up.

If you really can't bring yourself to stop the overnight visits (and I think you should but hey), what about all of you staying over together? That way they get to see DD, but you get to control things a bit more.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help and reply. Cant tell you all how much I appreciate this.

I have read everyones comments and taken it all on board.

To answer you ZIPZAP. They did it this way 20 years ago with their grandson so just wanted it the same way. My MIL doesnt really acknowledge that she is ill or that they are older for that matter. They just want it the same way.

They have had what they want from the beginning really.

My mom looks after LO when we are at work for 3 days. I am then off for 8 days. These days change from week to week. She wanted her one of the days but would call the day before she wanted to take her. She have me little warning. It all depended on what else she was doing. I made arrangements to take her out places and before I knew it she would call, want her the day after as=nd I had already made arrangements, It was not working. So we talk to them and agreed Friday as a regular day. She did not even want this as her husband goes out Friday, has a few too many then sleeps in on the Saturday so she wanted another day so he would be there to help her. Friday was the best day for us as otherwise my little one would not be coming home til 7pm as we would be working. We said it was FRiday or she could have her in the day. She took Friday. I am also left taking her up there every week even though they have a car seat. They even let their son take her up to their house when he is working. He has to drop her off before going to work and the traffic where they live is shocking. He has been late for work once already.

Not that this is really the issue but I want you to see what I mean when I say it is all their way. Its not really to benefit us in any way. Yes we do occaisionally take advantage and go out but that is very few and far between and we dont care about that anyway. Our daughter comes first!

I do not feel they are being cruel to her or mis-treating her as some of you have mentioned. They are not doing this to intentionall harm my daughter or cause us any stress. I really believe they are oblivious to what they are doing. They love their granddaughter butthey are showing their love in the wrong way.

With regards to my FIL drinking. He doesnt drink near my daughter. He goes out every Friday night after my daughter has gone to bed. He has a few too many and comes home at 3am. My daughter sleeps in the same room as them at the bottom of their bed in a cot. I do not think he wakes my daughter and he definatley does not pick her up whilst drunk but he has woke his wife. He then sleeps in while my MIL deal with my LO in the morning. This could be an issue should anything happen to my daughter in the night and my MIL was on her own.

I do have a backbone. I have told them before and will tell them again but they are not my parents and whilst my husband agrees with me he is not very forth coming with telling them. It was me that had to tell them when she had a sore bum and him. He agrees but still thinks she could stay overnight where as I dont. I do not want to be to blame if the s**t hits the fan. How can I tell them when my husband still thinks we can just tell them and everything can go on as normal.

Anyway bet your all sick of me by now. I have made my decision. She will not be staying over anymore. They will be able to see her in the day and I will take her lunch with me so that resolves it. I am not going to lie. I am going to tell them that she has had a sore bottom again and that I think it all too much for them and that she will not be staying overnight. THERE I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER XX

for all reasons above I would say stop now, if this was once a month it wouldnt be soooo bad but once a week!!! All those awful habits she is picking up,...even one night in a month with my MIL totally disrupted my daughters routine...as she wouldnt follow ours.

With next baby its not going anywhere near them.

Please stop it, it just sounds awful...there are many many ways of saying she cant stay every single week without hurting their feelings...

Well done, charlie - it's the right thing to do. It is mistreatment, even if well-intentioned - the simple fact is that the way they look after her is bad for her. So glad you feel better for having made your decision!

Charlie69. I read most of the posts and think I have caught on to what you've said, so forgive me if I am giving advice that is not relevant or you've already answered somewhere. (I confess I found the original posting a little dense to more than skim read!)

You're PILs sound, as you say, like caring people who are being a little clueless. I would say in future that your DD can stay over, but only if one of you are able to stay as well, just to help with the lifting/care whatever and also to spend time with them as well. Would that be a possibly solution? Also, once a week is too much really, for any baby. Babies love routine and this is obviously disruptive. This could be done on a fortnightly basis.

I know completely how hard it is to say no to GPs who are loving but chaotic and to bring up painful issues. I am always trying to make a point of saying around my FIL how unhappy I would be if I found out someone had even a glass of wine and drove my kids somewhere, and yet a have a sneaking feeling they do this but don't tell me and I find it hard to accuse them. But we should for the kids as who else is going to speak up for them?

Well done you! Glad you have made that decision and you are feeling better!