MIL's parenting opinions- how should first-timer deal with them? Sorry, bit long.

[FreshwaterPlimpies]

First baby due soon. Have read a fair bit about attachment parenting, baby-wearing, exclusive breastfeeding etc, (all that hippy guff:) and am happy to try go down that route. If some of it works, it works, if not.. we'll try other things, but at the moment I like the biologically-based rationale behind it.

My MIL is generally lovely, but very old-school. She believes firmly in sleep-training, leaving to cry (not spoiling them,) has told DH that baby should move into its own room straight away (because she and FIL slept better that way) and just generally knocks down every decision DH and I have jointly agreed on.
She doesn't do this in front of me, but DH comes home from visits repeating what she's said. He says that she just 'smirks and chuckles' when he mentions what we've decided to try, which I find quite rude.

She recently offered to buy us a sling for the baby and asked us what we'd like. We pointed her in the direction of a soft sling that we could use for a while, but she didn't like the style and so went and bought a structured Babybjorn type thing without consulting us. She was then really upset when DH told her thank you, but it isn't really what we wanted as we'd like to carry the baby up to toddler age. This conflicted with the 'anti-spoiling' policy and she had a bit of a rant down the phone, which I overheard.

I understand that she's done it all before, but things have moved on. I know she's only sharing because she's trying to help us, but I'm a bit concerned with the extremity of her reaction about the sling. We haven't heard from her since (a week), though DH handled it really calmly and made it clear we were really grateful but we'd have to change it.

Just worried that this is a sign of things to come. I don't want to cause any rifts before baby is even born.

I have similar problems with my MIL. She is very "old-school", too, and horrified that I ebf DS on demand, co-slept, and, now he is 1, am still doing so.

I feel for you.

But - it helps me to understand where she's coming from. She really does love DS, and really does think she's doing the best she can for him when she advises me. Also, she just wants to be involved.

I've found the best thing to do is to involve her lots in ways that I can handle - I call her lots, we Skype lots, I send her photos taken on my mobile a couple of times a week. This is easy for me to do, and makes her slightly less "manic" about things.

Do try to keep calm. The biggest thing your child will pick up on is you, your mood and your reaction.

Just remember that you and your DH are bringing up your baby, and your MIL is just expressing opinions that you can ignore, if you wish.

The main thing is that your DH is on side, and isn't coming home trying to get you to do as his mother did.

Just keep on with what you're doing. She's taking your choice to follow current advice as a slur on her parenting methods - which of course, they aren't. It's just different to how things were done 'in her day' and things like the not sleeping in a separate room is based on research, it's not you just being difficult but she might not see it like that!

Ignore the sulking or ranting, and let her get on with it if she so chooses.

The only big thing you have to be careful of, is in your excitement about the 'new', don't make it come across as an insult to the 'old' way of doing things, which, even if you don't mean as an insult, she might read as telling her she was a crap mum. It's amazing how the birth of a first DGC can bring back the 'first time mum' feelings in a lot of older woman, my Dad admited to me that my mum had a little cry when I'd told her about being pregnant as she started thinking about her own experiences and her post natel depression (which wasn't really treated very well in the 70s)

Otherwise, nod, smile, and present things as 'done' - give her scope over things you don't care about (such as 'interestingly designed' cardies) otherwise, present decisions as made.

Also, remember, things like who will sleep where, how you will decide when to feed (completely on demand or some sort of routine) etc will not be somehting she actually needs to know about, so stop discussing it with her, you know she has different opinions to you, so it's ok to say "we're not sure." (even if you are!)

Nowave I think the key is probably getting her involved more. I admit, I tend to let DH talk to her when she rings, so it's possible she's using him as her only way of being involved with the baby. Am doing best to stay as relaxed about things as I can:) Lydia.. almost wish I could discuss things with her.. unfortunately it's DH that she's spouting off to, who probably isn't giving her the full picture of why we've decided to go down certain routes.
Can see she's probably a bit worried we're going to muck things up tbh:) However, will avoid any criticism of child-rearing methods of yore and just point gently to current advice/guidelines etc. Like the advice of presenting things as 'done'.. less room for argument that way.

If it were me I would just stop telling her stuff. My mum gets the hump because I so things differently to the way she did and I just ignore her

Smile and nod. She can't make you do it a certain way and she will have forgotten what it was really like.

So you might change your mind anyway. I carry dd all the time and it's already hard going (she's nearly 4 months and my second).

Your DH could have said thank you for the sling, but we had this one in mind. No reference to carrying into toddlerhood (you might not want to, you could change the sling anyway).

It's not worth getting into an argument before baby arrives. It is worth setting ground rules though between you and your DH about when baby is here so you can present a united front.

Yes it is a sign of things to come. It's up to you how you deal with it, but it won't go away unless you do, and could get worse when the baby arrives. Sorry. It's shit.

When my ex's mum did this (your situation sounds exactly like mine was), I was just blunt with her and made veiled threats. I simply said something along the lines of, "I know you had your way, but this is ours. Times have changed, so it would be very helpful if you could let us work this out ourselves, because I don't want to end up arguing about this." (i.e. "we WILL end up arguing about this if you don't back off"). Obviously you don't have to be blunt. But you DO have to be assertive.

Another approach is to say: "We've had really excellent, up-to-date advice from our midwife so we're following that".

My mum was completely opposed to the idea of us co-sleeping, and said so often: "Don't let that baby in your bed!", so I played the "rebellious" teenager and said "You know that every time you tell me not to do something, it only makes me want to do it more!". She knew full well, that I was going to do things my way and she soon stopped contradicting me and became very supportive.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but it is absolutely NOT YOUR JOB TO MICRO-MANAGE YOUR MIL. You don't have to "include her in other ways" and hope she'll leave you alone. You might go through a lot of effort trying to manipulate her, and she could still end up sticking her oar in.

I'm sure between you and your DH you will be able to come up with a way of assertively telling her that her advice is a) out dated b) unwelcome and c) sometimes insulting.

You really don't have to do a thing-you just nod and smile and do it your way.
It worked a treat with me and I was even praised for it as in 'exotic knows her own mind'.
Unfortunately people always feel they need to justify, have the last word or get the other person to agree.
None of it is necessary.
Firstly you don't do into great detail about what you think. (I don't have a DIL yet but I hope I would manage to bite my tongue over new terms like 'baby wearing' and not point out that you might wear a handbag but not a person-but it would be tempting!)
If she mentions something you don't agree with you you just say, in a friendly way 'really' and change the subject.
You keep on perfectly friendly terms-don't give her a way in-unless you actually want her advice over something.

exoticfruits Yes. What you said is infinitely more reasonable than my bulldozer approach!

It worked for me-it may fail if you have a toxic MIL but OP's one sounds reasonable.

I can't be doing with my MIL at the moment. She seems to forget that baby was rushed to NICU when she was born and i am still suffering from anxiety. She drives me mad when baby was first born and she cried I went to pick her up and she said leave her it's cute when they cry (Clearly I'm not going to leave my baby to cry for your satisfaction!) She always seems to know what is wrong with her "aw have you got wind?"(NO she wants to sit up that why she trying to lift her head off you) oooh now your weaning her off the breast I can have her over night! Errr no she a baby and that is clearly not going to happen until she is old enough to say she wants to! (this continues with her arguing with me and my husband) she said Err yes she is. I said I don't think so. She said Well I do. I said who is the parent me or you? I have the final say so not you. And finally last week baby was in her car seat we had only popped round for a couple of mins as we were near. She went to get her out of her car seat, husband said no we have just got her settled, she carried on and said but I need my cuddle, husband said no just leave her she went to undue the straps her husband said leave her she said no so I said look leave her in there we can't stay long and I don't want her getting fussed over cause it her bedtime soon. At this she reluctantly sat down, I wouldnt mind but she makes a big fuss when we go round but never makes the effort to come here let alone ring up. Im getting that bad that the thought of going there annoys me. Sorry about the rant feels good to get it off my chest

Ooooh sorry one more thing that annoyed me was when I was brushing baby's hair (she was born with tonnes of it) n she leave her alone. This was the final straw but I kept my cool and said politely I will brush her hair if I want to thank you. She must have thick skin as she not treating me any different. I mean I like the woman she is just bugging me lately. Is it normal for this to happen?

On the other side of the coin, you may find you end up agreeing with her when dc is born. I did with my DM although she had the sense to nod and agree with me when I was declaring how dd1 would be raised.

I'm not saying you are doing that btw, I am sure you are far more open minded than me, but while some things change with best practice somethings don't, and you might find her support invaluable.

Of course you might not if she continues to be a pain in the arse but listen before you write her off. And she is trying to give you the best advice she can because she loves dc, however misguided irritating you find it.

I never see why people feel the need to tell people so much! It is much simpler if you keep it to yourself.

I have to be honest and say I would never openly reject a present, however unwelcome - you don't have to use it, do you? I gave some second hand stuff to a sister-in-law but rapidly got the picture that she was someone who doesn't go for 2nd hand stuff - she never said a thing, it was just the quietness of her 'oh thank you'. No need for big bust-ups, surely? I think it was quite nice of her to buy a sling as I would think even the BabyBjorn is quite 'hippy' from her point of view.

Whenever she asks you your plans, say 'oh it's hard to tell isn't it... what was it like for you when yours were born?' then you get lovely reminiscences which will incidentally contain useful details like the fact that she didn't have a complete night's sleep for 9 years, which you can remind her of, should she claim that all babies sleep through from week 1 if you bottlefeed/pottytrain at birth/never feed for longer than 8.5 minutes from either breast/stay in bed for two weeks/ whatever weird idea was current in HER era.

A great idea joanofarchitrave-set her off down memory lane and she will go off on a complete tangent!

Smile & nod. Once baby gets here she'll soon realise she can say what she wants but it'll fall on deaf ears. Or you may decide that AP is not for you at all.

My MIL told me repeatedly in the first few days after DS1 was born that I would never manage to breastfeed such a big baby (a fairly hefty but not ridiculous 8lb 12oz), that my milk was definitely not enough and I should not continue as I would only upset myself. 3 months later she would tell anyone who stood still long enough about HER breastfed grandson. Oh and despite having been asked specifically not to (twice) she bought a ridiculously overpriced swing that took up most of my living room then made FIL set it up immediately so that DP couldn't follow through on his "I'll return it to the shop" threat. DS1 absolutely hated the bloody thing much to my absolute delight

Yeah, the sling thing, relax. Most people that use slings regularly will often have a few different styles depending on the age, size of the baby or just which one takes their fancy for that day! You could keep MILs sling, you may use it, who knows until baby is here! I used a 'close baby carrier', bought it for my DD but she hated it but used it plenty with my DS, now he's bigger I could imagine a structured carrier would be so much more supportive than a soft one.

Also, don't be too rigid in your proposed parenting ideas until baby is actually here. What you read in parenting books is often quite different to real life. I was into all that AP stuff prior to my daughter being born but she arrived 6 weeks early, I was extremely ill before and after delivery (I held her for 5mins in the 48hrs after delivery, that's all the nurses would allow) so that immediately put me on a back foot... I couldn't have a natural birth, no skin to skin as she was whisked to neonatal, breastfeeding was a nightmare as I don't think my body even realised it had had a baby as no milk was coming out.

Thankfully I could do more AP with my DS who is still breastfeeding and co-sleep at 10 months. AP is great, I love it but I wished I'd given myself a break first-time round with my DD, I was so ill but put myself unto so much pressure.

You are absolutely right to want to do things your own way, but don't discount everything she says as she is talking from experience you don't yet have. She may have some genuinely good advice to give you. I agree with what butterfingerz said about the sling, 2 could be useful. I was given a baby bjorn which was useless for my newborn and I used a mai tai instead. Now he is six months old, baby bjorn is far more suitable. Different slings suit different ages/people.

By the way, am not sure if you are thinking about co-sleeping. We do it because DS wouldn't go in his Moses basket when he was born and I won't leave him to cry. However, it is a complete nightmare now he is bigger and wrigglier and still wakes every 2 hours wanting to nurse (comfort not hunger). My point is, be very sure that it is what you want if you are thinking of going down that route as at some point you may decide you want your bed and your sex life back but baby will have other ideas.

I digressed but basically, stay firm on the style of parenting you want to go for, but be open to take a bit of her advice, she presumably didn't do too bad a job of bringing your DH up.

See, I think the part of your OP where maybe you go a bit off is:

'I understand that she's done it all before, but things have moved on'

That is totally a matter of opinion, not fact. Plenty of people would agree with your MIL and probably do just fine with that approach. If you keep thinking of this situation as 'My MIL is old school and wrong, and I'm new school and right', then you will probably have a lot of stress.

I think you really should just think of it as having different styles of parenting and not being too judgmental about who's right or wrong -- the same way as if it were a friend having a different style. And learn from the bits that seem to work and you agree with, and 'smile and nod' for the things you don't.

I know it's a cliche, but babies don't read parenting manuals! When your DC arrives, you will probably do a lot of experimenting. Some of it your MIL will like, some she won't, but talking to her about it now is just borrowing trouble.

I agree with dreamingbohemian -things haven't moved on at all, they have always been around but without someone making money from books and giving them names. Plenty of people agree with MIL today-you only have to read this site to find controlled crying, sleep training. People have always carried their babies around in slings-they just didn't think the were accessories.

You can read all the books you like and make your theories but a real baby is different. They may be one who simply wants to be put down. You will find out about them once they are here and understand that there are no 'answers' and that you can take bits that suit you and your baby and leave the rest.

If I get to be a grandmother I am resolved not to give advice unless I am specifically asked, but the bit that I will have to bite my tongue about and keep to my advice of saying 'really' in a friendly tone and changing the subject is a mother-to-be who is full of theories gained from books. I will have to resist the temptation to say 'we were doing that 30yrs ago you know! I do have the advantage of knowing that the reality is different!

By all means, read your books and make your theories but there is no need to tell anyone at all. If either side feel the urge to discuss it all, stick to friendly nodding and smiling!

I agree with asking about her experiences - gdcs really seem to trigger loads of emotions in grandmas. 'They recommend X nowadays' with lots of 'we'll see how it goes' seems to have worked.
My mum was always a nightmare but when ds was 6 weeks I responded to her snappily 'Either you go along with how I'm raising him or you never see your only grandchild again' - and she's bee n great since. It's really wierd! Wish I'd been so blunt years earlier...

In fact by 4 months,seeing ds thriving and me being happy, she became quite the breastfeeding / attachment evangelist!