Ds isn't sad to leave me...does he love me at all?

[funnylittlekaty]

Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but could do with some advice. Am going back to poxy work in a few weeks after a year off with my ds. He's always been a sociable boy and has been happy to go to most people. When my dm or pil have had him for a few hours he's been fine, and showed no signs of missing me. Im in the process of settling him at nursery. Mon he was away from me for 10 mins, tues-30 and weds 40 mins. He's not batted an eyelid when I've done the "mummys going now, love you see you soon" bit, has been fine when I've left and although he smiles and puts his arms out for me when I get back he really doesn't seem arsed if I'm in the room or not. I'm worried he's not securely attached to me. When he was born I had nasty baby blues and bf probs (although he was mixed fed til 8m) and am worried we didn't bond properly or something because I was exhausted, scared of him etc. (it was only for a weekend and my pil were ace and helped us all. By Monday I was ok).
I'm honestly not being a humblebrag here, I'm worried that he doesn't love me. Saddest sad face ever.

Please don't worry!! Sounds like you've done a great job of making a confident, gregarious and happy little boy. My son was EXACTLY the same and is now nearly 10 and is still super confident and well rounded.

He absolutely adores you, and has no issues about mummy not coming back as you've never given him cause to worry. You're a fab mum xx

First time dd1 stopped without me. dh or dm was when she was 12 months old and started nursery.

She crawled in, started playing and didn't even look back.

She has always been the same. It just shows she is secure and confident.

DD2 I think will be more clingy as she is just not as independent as her sister and am now worrying about her going to nursery and being upset. It'll be a lot easier for both of us if she is like dd1.

Quite the opposite, I assure you. He loves and trusts you and astutely expects you will return.

DD has never cried when I leave her. She is extremely securely attached. I can confidently tell you that she idolises me. She's nearly 5 now and is just secure, independent and extremely happy. It's personality I suspect.

God I would give my eye teeth not to have gone through all the heart-wrenching trauma of settling my clingy DC into nursery, and to have DC I could confidently leave with their GPs. It sounds like you've raised a confident little boy! Of course he loves you. Who does he want when he's poorly or tired? You, I'm betting. Most likely you're just not away from him long enough to miss you properly, and he knows you always come back. That's good. Separation anxiety may still kick in for him in a couple of months, so it may not always be so easy. But really, push that thought out of your mind. You're his mum. It takes a heck of a lot for a child not to love its mum.

Those first few days after his birth you talk about - so many women go through that and worse and still have great bonds with their children. Please don't worry, it sounds like you're doing fine.

Thankyou so much. The nursery lady said she was worried about the ones who didn't cry but I shall nod and smile and remember what you've said.

dont be silly, you have obviously brought him up to be confident and independent, which is great. Hes not insecure at all, knows his mummy loves him and will be back soon.
I had two that wouldnt bat an eyelid and my third wouldnt even let me go for a pee in peace, it took 6 months to settle him in nursery.
I know which one i would prefer!

I think you are overthinking it all. Well done on having a happy, adjusted boy.

Don't beat yourself up about going to work or what you didn't/couldn't do when he was an infant.

Oooh just saw lots more comments. Aren't you a lovely lot. I know you're right, it just feels a bit gutting when he couldn't give monkeys who he's getting cuddles off! His keyworker said he looked a little unsure to start with then all the children were saying "who is the new baby etc etc" and he cheered up with the attention which sounds about right! I think I saw on tv at some point a thing about attachment when the mum left the room but I can't remember what the baby was supposed to do to show they were attached securely?
Also, you are right about when he is poorly or sad he wants mummy which is nice...not that I wish him poorly but it's the only time I get a cuddle!

Oh and dont worry about the bonding, i couldnt do anything for dc3 for 6 wks after his birth, not feed, carry anything and he was my clingy obe.
What you describe is perfectly normal, i think all women experience something similar

I suspect you mean Mary Ainsworth's 'Strange Situation'. That's an attachment thing with slightly older children.

"attached securely? "

What does it even mean? Some children are more clingy, others are more independent. They're always happy to see mum and dad again unless there's something seriously and fundamentally wrong e.g. they're being horribly mistreated

I am surprised the nursery worker said that! Apart from the fact she should be reassuring you, it is totally down to personality of child.

i wonder if the OP is thinking about Robert Winston's series that was on starting in the year 2000, "Child of Our Time". I remember something on there where they did an 'experiment' (I put that in " because it was done for TV and at quite a bland level of science) where they had child and parent playing in same room, then parent leaves for a while, and then goes back in. Apparently, the child who does not react both when the parent leaves and when the parent re-enters, does not have a very strong bond with that parent, i.e. as if the child isn't bothered whether the parent is there or not. I stress again that this was all fairly unscientific! I think there was more emphasis on the child not reacting when parent came back in, than when parent left. But either way, OP, really really don't worry! This does not apply to you!

"Secure attachment" is a psychological term (stated first by John Bowby) where:

a child is confident of their caregiver being available when required
that they feel their caregiver provides a secure base from which to explore the world
is confident the caregiver will return and give appropriate emotional support to them
feels worthy of the love and attention the caregiver provides

This means a child is not bothered by separation as they are confident mum will return and they show joy at reconcilliation.
The theory also states that secure attachment produces socially confident children who are autonmous and less dependent than insecurely attahced children (which has been bourne out by certain studies).

Insecure attachment is basically the opposite where the child doesn't think the caregiver can be relied on for emotional support and isn't sure the caregiver will return and thus shows anxiety at separation and often confusion at reconcilliation.

It is also possible to move from insecure attachement to secure attachment.

When my dd went to nursery she didn't miss me at all. When I picked her up she screamed the place down and refused to come home. I had to have help to get her strapped in her car seat. She was so dam strong I had to hold her in and my friend did the straps. It was so embarrassing.

But she did love me really. She was just a really confident(stroppy) child.

She is 12 now bless her

What everyone else has said. You have brought up a happy secure child (both mine were exactly the same ) Be proud of yourself. On a practical level it was a godsend as I have always had to work fulltime (single Mum) and the youngest had to go to nursery at 4 months.

My eldest is now 12 and generally isn't the most affectionate of children (the 8 year old is) but I now realise it's just part of his personality. Sometimes they get picked up from school by their grandparents and stay overnight) and have always given them a phone call before they went to bed. however this call has never been met with enthusiasm and they actually argue over who 'has to' speak to Mum first. however on one occasion i got tied up at work and it was much too late to ring so i didn't. Next day my Mum told me my eldest had been upset that I hadn't rung!!!! I still make the phone call. It's still met with a lack of enthusiasm but I know it's appreciated!!!

Hello all. Yes I think it was that Robert winston thing I was thinking of. He doesn't seem bothered when I leave, but does show he's happy when I return, so I think that fits in with the scientific (hmmm) evidence! Also, I went for lunch with my
Mummy friends and one of then is having a terrible time settling her lo, he cries whenever she makes a move and I'm so glad that my chap isn't doing that, it sounds heartbreaking. If only he had the skills to pretend to be a little bit sad just to save my feelings!

Can't believe the nursery lady said that!!! It's just personality and like so many other posters have said, he is obviously very happy and confident. My DS has always been like this, he started nursery at 5mo and is now nearly one. Right from day one, once he was in the room there was ne'er a backward glance. I went to a Stay and Play yesterday, he grinned and waved and crawled over and gave me a big cuddle when I arrived, and then when I started talking to his key worker, he shuffled off my lap and crawled into the garden to have another play. I used to be a bit sad like you, but now I feel delighted that he is having such a great time and what a lovely life he is going to have as such a gregarious youngster!

I could have written your post OP - in fact i think i did when DS was about 9 mo! My DS is exactly the same - in fact he now even waves us off before closing the front door on us. Charming! He has never, ever worried about me leaving and the CM has said to me many times "oh, he will cry one day" but i genuinely don't think he will, and tbh i'm very pleased about that. It's me he wants when he's ill. It's me he wants when he's tired or hurts himself. And he always holds his arms out straight away to me when i collect him. He's just a happy, confident little explorer and i love him for it and am pretty proud of myself too

Yes, can only reiterate what everyone else has said. He is confident and secure and knows you are coming back to him. He trusts you would not leave him somewhere and not come back for him.

Silly nursery woman, she's not doing a very goid job at reassuring you!

Sitting in a coffee shop having left him at nursery. He crawled off straight away, and when I said bye etc etc gave me a very long suffering look. Going back to get him in a few mins. Hope he's pleased to see me. They were going to try and get him to nap. They don't know about him and naps (ie naps are for the weak, you miss loads of good stuff, I am far too busy to nap mummy). Wonder what I'll find when I go back. They're not wrong when they say it's harder for mum than babba, are they?!