Would you take a job on the other side of the world and leave your DP at home?

[CareerOrFamily]

I've namechanged as I don't want to identify anyone.

An old friend of mine rang yesterday afternoon to tell me she had been promoted. Her new job is to head up a division of the major company she works for - in a Far Eastern country. It's a three year position, and she is taking it up in May, leaving her DP and two children in Europe until September when her two children (5 and 8) will join her. Her DP is going to stay in Europe.

Would you do this?

Not for three years, no. DH has worked abroad for periods of six monts to a year before, and that was fine, but I wouldn't do it for three years.

Ragwort, did you miss that it's only the children who are joining her? The DH isn't; he will continue to live in Europe for the whole three years. The OP isn't even raising a question about the May-September "going on ahead" phase.

3 years is a long time and we're not talking about weekly commuting here. DH and I do that and it works well, but the other side of the world for 3 years wld be too much for most marriages IMHO.

never

No, I wouldn't do it, especially if it involved leaving children behind too. I wonder how the DP feels about being separated from his children for 2 and a half years?

And I wouldn't remain in a relationship with a man who was doing this either. The whole point of being a family is being together. A few months separation is one thing if it is necessary in your line of work, but three years is totally unreasonable in my opinion. You would risk not really "knowing" your partner and your children any more as you would have so little involvement in their day to day lives.

Elephants - apologies, I didn't read it properly; yes, it does now look very unusual, and I wonder why the children are joining their mother rather than staying with the father? I often wonder why one parent (and it usually seems to be the mother) has 'priorty' over the children in such cases.

Had lunch with my friend today to say goodbye - she's leaving in less than a month. Tough. She makes Betty Draper look cuddly .

I would consider it if the country was commutable every couple of weeks or so and one of the partners had a lot of time off work so could travel, and the salary was extremely good. But only for a year or so.

But ... three years to the other side of the world? ... nah.

My friend is leaving at the beginning of May and her DP will be travelling all May as well. Their DCs will be at home with their nanny for a whole month . She's going to come back for a week in June, another shorter trip in July and will take two weeks' summer holiday in August. Her DCs will join her in September. Her DP has a weekend booked in October and another in November. That's it for family life until the end of 2012...

Blimey. At home with the nanny for nearly a month? That bit is not good.

Would I? Not sure . I would think really really hard about it, but in most world-travelling couples I know one partner or other is the "trailing spouse" (so, for example, I worked with a guy who followed his very high-flying wife around the world and looked for jobs which would work with looking after DC. He had what most would view as a good, professional job, but was the minority income earner and was 100% clear that his DC came first as his wife was travelling a lot)

DH and I both work for large global companies, so if one of us got offered a fantastic opportunity somewhere, the other would have a reasonable chance of being able to find something, even if not the "ideal job". I don't think we would go for it if it really, truly, meant 3 years living apart - it would be horribly unfair on the DC, apart from anything else.

"I don't think we would go for it if it really, truly, meant 3 years living apart - it would be horribly unfair on the DC, apart from anything else."

That's the reason I posted this in "Parenting". Above all, I think that prioritising career opportunities to the extent that you break up your family is a piss poor parenting decision.

Will you/have you said anything to her about that? Is she a close enough friend that you feel you should?

No I wouldn't.

Tbh I wouldn't even do the may-June without dd either, or dh.
And I just couldn't be away from dd or dh for long periods of time.
Dh would be the same. It'd be a case of either we all go or none of us go.

We've done it twice for 6mths and a year. It's hard because you get used to living your own life without OH, it almost becomes a nuisance when they come home as it throws out your routine, kids get over excited, OH tired from travelling and gets grumpy etc... But I'm considering staying where we are when DH gets his next move, as I'm sick of the upheaval, but DH will only be up to an hr away by plane or 4hrs by ferry.