Would you take a job on the other side of the world and leave your DP at home?

[CareerOrFamily]

I've namechanged as I don't want to identify anyone.

An old friend of mine rang yesterday afternoon to tell me she had been promoted. Her new job is to head up a division of the major company she works for - in a Far Eastern country. It's a three year position, and she is taking it up in May, leaving her DP and two children in Europe until September when her two children (5 and 8) will join her. Her DP is going to stay in Europe.

Would you do this?

No

I'd see it as essentially breaking up with the DP, I'm afraid.

I wouldn't but I know a lot of men who work in other countries leaving wives and children at home.

I used to have a job where people did things like that, mostly men, some women.

There was a very high rate of marital breakdown, both while away and after coming back and expecting things to work out.

I wouldn't recommend it.

I wouldn't.
It would take a very strong relationship to make that work.

If she has that relationship then fair dos but I'm a mardy old cow at the best of times ,factor in jet lag and never talking ..and then theres sex...

( I moved to the middle east with the dc's to avoid the 3 weeks there 1 week back senario)

Potentially, yes. Would depend on the job and DH's circumstances (eg why he wasn't able to come with me). Horses for courses.

If I had a partner I'd do it in a heartbeat. A big reason why there aren't enough women in senior roles in big businesses is precisely because they get unfairly judged if they take up opportunities like this. I'm sure she'll enjoy the experience and it'll be really exciting for her DCs

What do you mean "if I had a partner I'd do it in a heartbeat"? My question is: would you leave your partner behind (because of his commitments) to do this?

If I had a partner I didn't like I'd do it in a heartbeat.

V did this for 2 yrs but it was very difficult. V met up every holiday v got, skyped and phone call everyday. The longest stretch apart was 8 mnths. I wouldnt want to do it again.

I think with the best will in the world, with much support from parents, parents in law, uber nannies, slaves, maids, chauffeurs and skype - this makes things very difficult. Your partner is supposed to be your PARTNER. That means - in my view - a certain level of co-existence - physically - sharing day to day moments - ESPECIALLY when kids are involved. I don't think it's a gendered thing - although I'm sure a woman will get more shit for having the temerity to do that - I just think it's a bad idea. They should all move over there.

It would be too big a sacrifice to make for me, I'm not so driven that I could fracture my family just for a promotion.

No.

Yes. Adults should be able to carry on a sound, long-term relationship without needing to be in each others pockets. Many couples operate extremely well precisely because they aren't thrown together 24/7. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' etc.

Yes, I would. Very exciting opportunity for your friend, and for a fixed term, not for ever. Sure, they'll have to work hard at keeping the relationship going and keeping the DCs connected to their father but I imagine the package will include several flights for your friend's DH.

"Adults should be able to carry on a sound, long-term relationship without needing to be in each others pockets"

or to look at it another way, do couples benefit from living together? Does it help maintain their relationship? Is a couple two people who live apart and see each other now and again?

I don't know if you have seen much of people who do this, and I don't know if you have noticed the rate of marital breakdown. I have.

I wouldn't... but then I'm too much of a homebody. I do work with people who spend long periods away from their partners (male and female) and it does seem to result in higher than average breakdown of those relationships... mind you, alot of that could be to do with the fact those people are usually away in high stress environments (war zones) so possibly a factor too.

Yes, can only dream of such an opportunity it's only for a few months and surely it will be really exciting for the children and DP once they can move out - presumably at the end of the school year? Few people would bat an eyelid if this was the 'male partner' going on ahead, why is it such an issue?

Many families (esp. military) have to spend long periods apart.

"I don't know if you have seen much of people who do this"

I've seen it many times.... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Most divorcees I know, however, lived together 24/7. If a relationship is rocky it's rocky regardless of whether the people in it live apart or together.

"Few people would bat an eyelid if this was the 'male partner' going on ahead"

I would.

The issue is the separation of the family unit. Move the woman from the man, they are separate, move the man from the woman, they are separate. Move a parent from a child, they are separate. move a child from a parent, they are separate.

Equal-oportunity marital breakdown is nothing to strive for.

Pigletjohn you're speaking like it's some cosmic inevitablity that if everyone in a family doesn't live under the same roof, marital breakdown automatically ensues. 'Separation of the family unit' is just 'mum or dad working away from home'.

I think people would be just as if it were the husband. It's not so much the marriage, as the relationship with the DCs, and how they would react.

A year would be just about doable IMO, or perhaps longer in a European country, but any more would be impossible for me.

No, Cog, I said "There was a very high rate of marital breakdown, both while away and after coming back and expecting things to work out."

There are plenty of smokers who haven't died of lung cancer, chronic emphysema and heart disease, and the majority of people I knew who have died weren't smokers.

So it is not a cosmic inevitability that family separation leads to breakdown, any more than it is a cosmic inevitability that smoking leads to disease.

But IME it increases the probability.

No its the reason we came out the military as we didnt want to be seperated, and we definitely didnt want to be away from our kids. If you have the personality to do this then you usually arent really family orientated ime. I think its the same if its the man or the woman

There's "in each other's pockets" which connotes an unhealthy codependency - or there's just a relationship, which means some kind of intimacy and shared life together, preferably not solely through skype. I think being away from your kids for 4 months, whichever gender parent you are, is very difficult. I couldn't do it. And being away from your partner for 3 years, and not only in a different town but on a different continent, is ridiculous. Once you get used to not being around someone, it's very hard to regain that trust, closeness and intimacy. I think it's too high a price to pay for respect in the working world, personally.