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Parenting

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Original poster

am i a bad mum...whats your opinions on the matter?

51 replies

confuzed90 · 22/03/2012 17:00

Basically I'm 35 weeks pregnant, I have a DS who is 3 in may. I am currently at college 2 days a week, where he goes to day nursery.we pay £60 a week for this. Me and my DP, who works full time as an electrician. We are both young, I'm just 22 and he's 21. We rent a house, have a car and manage bills and not on any benefits. Not that it matters. Our son gets what he wants, and needs. Basically what I'm saying is I am going to university in september to study paramedic, its my dream career and has always been my inspiration. Is it bad of me that I will be leaving my children, who will be 3 and the other 5 months in a day nursery whilst I study, 3 days a week, at university for 15 hours a week in total, majority is work at home. I just feel as though I'm being seen as a bad mum for wanting a career, my sister who is very opinionated has made me feel bad, she is 24 and pregnant with her first child, she hasn't got a career but has made it clear she disagrees with me getting one. Told me I should be with my kids 24/7. And that with my studies I will miss them growing up. I feel as though a career will advantage my kids in the end as I will be able to give them and financially support them the best I can. And feel an achievement in giving my kids this. My S has made me feel very bad about it. Am I honestly a bad mum for furthering my education? I don't believe that just because I have children I can't have a career, I do prioritise them and my DS gets whatever he wants and he has plenty of family fun and time.

OP posts:

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headfairy · 22/03/2012 17:03

Your sister is (excuse me for saying this) an idiot and one who belongs in the Stone Age.

If you're a terrible mother then so are the other 66% of mothers who work.

headfairy · 22/03/2012 17:07

Your children will get the best of all worlds, a mother who is educated, has seen a bit of the world and has reached her goals and dreams (and if you have a daughter I cannot emphasise how important I think it is for her to see you achieving your dreams), they will also get to spend 15 hours a week (or thereabouts) socialising with other children in childcare, benefitting hugely from that social interraction. They will get to spend four days a week with a mother who's fulfilled and happy. They will have financial security. They will grow up understanding that a parent's life doesn't end at the front door.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 22/03/2012 17:07

I fail to see how choosing to work is a reflection of your parenting skills.

Sorry you're not getting much support.

good luck with your course - I hope it's everything you want it to be and a wholehearted thanks from me for even wanting to be a paramedic, we need people like you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

thisisyesterday · 22/03/2012 17:09

if it were me i would wait until the kids were a bit bigger before going to university. in fact, i did. i gave up my uni place when ds1 was a baby

but that's just me

you do what you feel is the right thiing for you and your family.
you are definitely not a bad mum for wanting to go out and get a career... quite the opposite!

BOMtobewild · 22/03/2012 17:11

Ridiculous, basically.

Most people with this opinion never wanted a career anyway. I have yet to meet someone who would genuinely love to have a career and go out to work but doesn't do so purely for the reason that it would make them a bad mum.

If you start of letting people judge your mothering then you've got a long, tedious journey ahead of you.

nickschick · 22/03/2012 17:12

Do it!!!

Follow ambition and build a bright future for you all ....I didnt and my dc are growing up fast and Im still in the same position as I was at 19 ....

nappymaestro · 22/03/2012 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Indith · 22/03/2012 17:16

Sounds fab :) Brilliant that you know what want to do and how to get there. Doing 3 days a week seems like a great balance too.

cheesesarnie · 22/03/2012 17:18

do what you want and not what others think you should do!

well done for following your dream!
ive had similar grief recently from family members because i start uni in september.my 3dc are older than yours so peoples opinions on it dont change whatever the age in my experience!
your children will be proud of you for showing them that if you have a dream you can follow it.you could sit there and say ive got 3dc i cant do it...then youd be bad for not,cant win either way!

ignore them and goodluck to you!

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 22/03/2012 17:19

Tell your sister to mind her own business and concerntrate on raising her own child not yours.
(You sound fab btw. Good luck with the new baby and your career) :)

BlingLoving · 22/03/2012 17:23

Oh, I am so for you. tell your sister to butt out. You are not a bad mum because you want to study and because you want a career.

Personally, I think the best option for everyone is what you're doing - a parent who is around a lot, but still has his/her own life (and I say this as a parent who totally has not cracked the work-life balance thing and feels strongly that a bit more time with DS would be very good for both ofus).

Well done for finding a way to be with your children and to still fulfil your personal dreams. I aspire to be like you.

OldMotherDismass · 22/03/2012 17:25

There will never be a perfect time to go and study, but plenty of people have young children in nursery for that length of time (or more) per week whilst they study or work and their children turn out just fine.

You have ambition and you want a career, which is giving your children a really good role model. Going to university and following the career you want will also open up many more opportunities for your children in general. Don't end up in a situation where you look back and regret not taking this opportunity when you could.

Good luck.

cheesesarnie · 22/03/2012 17:27

p.s i agree different lifestyles suit different families. what works for you may not work for her family but shes got to understand it works both ways. hence the great sahm/working mum arguement.

tabulahrasa · 22/03/2012 17:27

I wouldn't study with children that young - but that's because I've just finished studying with older children and it is hard to fit it all in, the stuff you do at home isn't as easy to do at home as you'd think, lol.

But, plenty of people on my course had young children and managed it fine - and it definitely doesn't make them bad parents.

BOMtobewild · 22/03/2012 17:28

What do they think about the children's dad working? Presumbly that's alright?

Original poster

confuzed90 · 22/03/2012 17:35

Thankyou ALL!! Reading these actually bought a tear to my eye (maybe that is because the pregnancy hormones) but either way they were very nice to read! I do believe in showing my children that you have to work hard in life an follow dreams and not give up.hopefully I'd be an inspiration to them to follow their own paths and get their career they want.

OP posts:

TheDetective · 22/03/2012 17:44

Confuzed - you are where I was a few years ago.

I had my son at 17, and went back to college 2 1/2 days a week when he was 6 months old.

I started uni when he had just turned 2. This was a very intensive 3 year course. Not only this, but I worked part time 16 hours on top!

Not quite sure how I did it, but I did! Now here I am at 27, with a lovely 10 year old DS, a career as a midwife, a good salary, a mortgage, and most of all security for my son. I went from a teenage mum, in a council house (not on benefits I'd like to add - ex DP worked from before I was pregnant!) to a fully functioning adult contributing to wider society.

I split with my ex partner 3 years ago, but other than that he was along for the ride with me, and we got through it all. All for the greater good. And I am damn proud of myself and I know my son feels the same.

I have no regrets. Go for it. You only get one chance at life.

cheesesarnie · 22/03/2012 17:44

dont cry!
here is the thread i started when i was having hasnt from my family.lots of good advice and very valid points!

Original poster

confuzed90 · 22/03/2012 18:16

Thankyou..everyones been a 'cheerleader' for me. I am very dedicated to my work and studies. Just wish my family could be proud for once.

OP posts:

jjazz · 22/03/2012 20:51

Hang on a minute.....The 15 hours per week course will be the easy bit. For a start it will be between Mon and Fri and IN THE DAY... You will need to get your head around the shift system you will have to sign up for once qualified. Paramedics are needed at all hours of day and night and the commitment to evenings/nights/ weekends and early mornings is massive. As an NHS nurse I can tell you that this does not mix well with young children. Please think again about this and do it once your youngest is at school- at least- sounds extreme but take it from one who has the t shirt.x

cheesesarnie · 22/03/2012 21:01

unless her dh is an on call electrician im guessing he will be able to care for his children when op is qualified and doing evenings, nights, early mornings etc.
and how old should the dc be before a parent can further her education or do shift work?

i believe that you dont know till you try.if you get to uni and it doesnt work out, youve tried. if once qualified it isnt working out,youve tried.
but then i havent got the tshirt.

thisisyesterday · 22/03/2012 21:21

but the issue is then when she comes home after a night shift and has to look after the kids all day!

still, plenty of people do it and it works. plenty of shift workers have small kids.

i think the previous poster was just pointing out that once kids are at school you can do a night shift and then sleep while they're at school. so it isn't as bad.
but depending on other factors the OP may well be just fine... she may have family/friends who can help with childcare when she has just done a night- but that's all in the future anyway isn't it

cheesesarnie · 22/03/2012 21:25

exactley, theres no point panicking now about something thats 3 years(?) away.all sorts could happen in that time and imo its not a reason not to do it.

for me, the right time is never so ......nows as good as next year, the year after.qué será, será

thisisyesterday · 22/03/2012 21:32

oh absolutely.

that said, OP is only 22 so has plenty of time to retrain, if she wanted to spend more time at home with the baby first.

ultimately though, I think we're probably all agreed, that she should do what she feels is right for her and her family. and if that's going to Uni now and doing her course then she absolutely should.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 22/03/2012 21:37

If you were my DD I'd be bloody proud of you and back you all the way.

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