am i a bad mum...whats your opinions on the matter?

[confuzed90]

Basically I'm 35 weeks pregnant, I have a DS who is 3 in may. I am currently at college 2 days a week, where he goes to day nursery.we pay £60 a week for this. Me and my DP, who works full time as an electrician. We are both young, I'm just 22 and he's 21. We rent a house, have a car and manage bills and not on any benefits. Not that it matters. Our son gets what he wants, and needs. Basically what I'm saying is I am going to university in september to study paramedic, its my dream career and has always been my inspiration. Is it bad of me that I will be leaving my children, who will be 3 and the other 5 months in a day nursery whilst I study, 3 days a week, at university for 15 hours a week in total, majority is work at home. I just feel as though I'm being seen as a bad mum for wanting a career, my sister who is very opinionated has made me feel bad, she is 24 and pregnant with her first child, she hasn't got a career but has made it clear she disagrees with me getting one. Told me I should be with my kids 24/7. And that with my studies I will miss them growing up. I feel as though a career will advantage my kids in the end as I will be able to give them and financially support them the best I can. And feel an achievement in giving my kids this. My S has made me feel very bad about it. Am I honestly a bad mum for furthering my education? I don't believe that just because I have children I can't have a career, I do prioritise them and my DS gets whatever he wants and he has plenty of family fun and time.

shes jealous of you

Happy mums are best for kids. If you'll be happier with a career than not, go for it.

I think you're fabulous, OP - thinking about your DCs by studying from home a lot, working hard to get a career, setting a great example.

The issues raised about shift work and child care are completely valid, but you sound organised and intelligent and you will make it work.

Your sister is probably very envious of your drive and your commitment - not because she is a bad person, but because being a SAHM is very hard work and too many people think it's the easy life. Try to understand where she might be coming from, but don't let her get to you and do what you are called to do.

Your sister is an opinionated twit. Children whose parents are educated tend to value education more and get higher grades. You are setting a goiod example for you children! Her choices are valid too as her children will have more one to one time. Since I started work and DS has gone to nursery his social development has really progressed and I have noticed the differrences at home! Its swings and roundabouts and your sister needs to grow up.

I think she's jealous as well. You mustn't pay her any heed you know. You forge right ahead with your plan. You won't regret it.

Personally I think having a balanced life that doesn't JUST revolve around your kids helps make you a more balanced and fun person and in the end makes you a more effective parent. Some people love being a full time carer (and are in a position to do that) and make that work well for them and their family, some people want to (or need to) work and they make that work for their family.

I work full time (own business) and initially I felt a lot of regret not being able to take a year maternity leave like other mums I know or be a full-time mum. But now as time goes on I'm actually happy about it. This way I get to have a balance between being a professional adult and a mother to DS, which makes me much more able to respond positively to everything motherhood throws at me. Personally I really think it's about quality not quantity.

My dd wanted to be a paramedic but I'm not sure now if that will happen. If you were my dd i would be proud :)

It's important for mothers to get an education. I have a baby for each degree course I did, and lovely souvenirs they are too. Seriously, it sets a good example to your children, makes you better able to support them in all sorts of ways, and is an excellent thing to fit around family life. Go for it.

As somebody who has had three children and worked and studied in that time and then with baby number 4 planned to do things differently and not work and relax and enjoy him all I can say to you is that you are very young and the career will still be there in 5 years time.
The children will grow up so fast, I really really regret working whilst mine were small and now I'm being forced to work whilst my baby is little because of circumstance and it breaks my heart.
You aren't a bad mum at all but you might look back and wish you'd done things differently in 10 years time.

It never gets easier. There's never a 'better time', just different problems.

Go for it.

I disagree trying to study with small children is very hard especially if they don't sleep well, are regularly poorly or if you struggle to find affordable child are you are happy with.

Do it!! I was 10 years behind you. i.e I was in my 30's before I had kids and then I decided to do my degree. At the same time I was working full time. (Two kids under three, full time job, OU degree = madness!!)

Your sister is of no consequence on this issue. The important thing is to have the support of your DP.
There were times when I wanted to give up or couldn't be arsed with studying but DH would say things like 'computer now!! Go on just an hour' or he would take the boys out so the house would be quiet. That sort of support is invaluable. Your sister doing a cat's arse face is not!

Sounds like your a great mother and will be a fantastic role model for your kids, ignore your bitch sister, she is trying to belittle you to make herself feel better about her own choice to be permanently unemployed.

You sound very mature and together, don't let the lazy cow drag you into her Jeremy Kyle style world, keep your self respect and go out there and create a life that you can be proud of. You never know what will happen in the future, it's very important to be able to earn your own money and paramedics will always be needed no matter how fucked the economy becomes. Good luck

One other thing to add - there is absolutely no conclusive evidence either way on the debate about whether children need their mothers at home full time indefinitely in order to grow up well. I am not a research expert in this, but here's a snapshot of the main research studies I see invoked when people are starting to have a WOHM/SAHM debate.

On the plus side:

Children in daycare make more friends and have more friendship-making skills (Scandinavian study)
Daughters of graduate mothers do better academically (UK study, I think)
Children from lower income groups in good quality daycare do better on lots of measures (UK and US studies)
Children from home with higher household incomes on average live longer (lots of studies everywhere)
When women go out to work in the UK it's good for overall prosperity and standard of living (Bank of England reports)

On the minus side:

Children who don't have a stable parent figure in their lives lay develop attachment problems (very specific 1960s study, often misrepresented)
Children in poor quality daycare may sometimes be anxious about mealtimes and engage in some attention-seeking behaviour (again, I think this was a UK study)

As far as I am concerned, if the mother is happy to study or work, and the childcare is good quality and loving, then the balance is in favour of getting out of the home.

If the mother hates having to do it, feels torn from her children, and/or the childcare situation is unstable or poor quality, then the balance is against getting out of the home.

"Am I honestly a bad mum for furthering my education?"

Of course not. Do you know, 92% of Danish mothers work outside the home? The percentage of males and females in employment is almost the same. Children benefit from having loving parents, a secure home-life and the details beyond that really don't matter

I think you just have to look at the situation in the war. A great many mothers worked in munitions factories (with free nursery places), volunteered in various capacities, and if they had key professional/vocational skills, took over the work of men sent away to fight. Some even sent their children away for the duration of the war, for example as evacuees, or to other family members.

Was there total psychological meltdown on the part of their children? No, in actual fact, there wasn't, because the right support structures were in place to allow women to work/volunteer, and it was seen as a necessary, even vital, thing.

After the war, the men returned and needed their old jobs back. People started saying that a mother's place was in the home. Subsequently everyone was involking Bowlby and separation anxiety, and the collective maternal guilt trip started. It's even worse in Germany, where you are pilloried and called a "Rabenmutter" (Raven Mother - Ravens are said to neglect their young) if you do more than about 2 hours' work a day.

FWIW I think the Danish situation is a very interesting one, and it occurs to me that we always shy away from making childcare cheap or free in this country, because it's all mixed up with the 1950s post war 'back to the home' message, along with the 'education is not childcare' debate. In fact, we put a lot of red tape in place and make it as expensive and hard to come by as possible. Then we wonder a) why economic growth is compromised, and b) so many women are on anti-depressants. We also have a complicated and stress filled child tax credit system to compound the problem.

Until we put more pressure on Government to solve this impasse in quite a dramatic way, families and children will continue to be poorly served and ultimately we suffer as a country.

Go for it, don't let anyone tell you otherwise

you are not being a bad mum by trying to make a better future. personally id pospone uni for my own selfish reasons. i would want to enjoy my first year with new baby without any added stress. also i know id struggle to do well at uni with a small baby and preschooler. however if you feel you can manage this go for it otherwise you could consider a gap year. good luck!

your sister is jealous

My three DS's went off to daycare at least 4 days a week from 10 weeks - I had to go to work. They are now 9,6 and 5 and I don't regret a thing. I was 25 when my first was born and it was hard - but you know what - life's tough! For your age you sound very determined and clued up about what you want. I know many women that stayed at home 24/7 to look after their kids and at the time loved to tell everyone how marvellous they were for it - personally I didn't and still don't get it, and with hindsight I look at the wonderful carers that my children had at day care and things they learned from them - I could not have provided all those experiences and I think your sister sounds a little selfish thinking she is the only person that her child would want to spend time with!! The job of a mother is to be there when your children need you, but to bring them up so they don't. Giving them that independence and social skills is exactly what they need. As someone said - caring parents and a loving home is all they require, after that it should be whatever fits into your lifestyle and life plan. Don't take any notice of your daft sister!

ok, here's my two pennies worth.... I went back to Uni when my son was 8... ok so he's older but then I worked until he was 4... for me (and for him) it was the best thing.. he was so proud of me, he learnt from me about the subject I studied (history) and he saw that mum had do to her homework etc..so many ways in which I was able to put my studying to use as an example for him. When I graduated last year he was there, proud as anything..now I'm doing my MA and hoping to do a PhD... he's still proud, albeit slightly less likely to tell me as he's a teenager now ;)
I've shown him that you can get an education at any time, and that making the right decision can be an individual thing (if that makes sense)...
go for it...good luck :)

I'm also an Nhs nurse and it is possible to work shifts including nights with a young family. Mine is 21 months and you do what you have too xx

i've got quite a few pals in the paramedics and their shifts are AMAZING. once you get on you'll be able to sort it all out, i'm sure. people make accommodations if you are working in a team. PS try to get on the helicopters, they just seem to sleep all their shift time away cos of bad weather grounding them.

Your sister is projecting her insecurities onto you.

If she was truly fulfilled, she would not need to criticise your or anyone else's choices.

Plus she's your big sister so she probably has many years' experience at bossing you round.

Let this stay her problem and stick with/listen to the people who support you for being you.

Oh, and if you were my sister I would be sooooo proud.