DH feeling resentful about bilingualism

[soundevenfruity]

I wonder if anybody can share their experience with me about "selling" bilingualism to their DPs. I am very keen for my son to speak both languages and my DH agrees to it but feels pushed out and isolated in the process. He finds it extremely hard to learn languages and did not progress much. To be fair it is very difficult and not many people would attempt it anyway. I am a SAHM and speak to my son exclisively in my language but we live in a very monocultural area where there are very few foreigners anyway and I do have to speak English to everybody else including my husband. Our son is starting to favour English though he does try to say things in my language and does seem to understand he has to use different words for me and DH. We've just subsribed to cable TV which would allow my son to hear others speaking the language but I understand that he needs more than me to practice it. At the moment weekend groups and a long trip to my country are out of the question. Is there anything I can say or do to change his opinion about bilingualism?

Why deprive a child the chance to learn another language? I am with Chomsky on that one. If he learns now, he will be a good linguist when he is older - so will be able to pick up languages more easily than his dad! Doesn't his dad want him to be able to do that?

So he may not be learning a language that is perceived as 'useful' but he is learning how to learn, if you know what I mean. Besides, who knows what languages will be in demand on twenty years time?

Tell dad that it is good for expanding his brain to learn another language at this age!

I dont have experience of this myself but........this situation always reminds me of a father suggesting the mother of his child bottlefeed (and not bf) so that he can join in too.
Its a bit "ooh Im feeling inferior because my child and its mother are doing something I cant participate in"

Im not suggesting your dh feels that way-its just a similar ish sort of situation I always think of!
I agree with frontpaw - its always great to be able to speak more than one language regardless of how obscure the languages might be.

Perhaps there are kids dvd cartoons available in your language? worth a look.

Well, very easy. Language is for me a very emotional tool. I just can't speak to DD in English when I want to get to this level.

I have no problem with a general conversation when out and about with English speaking friends. But when it comes to love, praise, telling off I automatically speak German to her.

I would also resent when my husband would try to tell me how to speak to my child.

Are you only speaking to your DC in your own language even when your DH is around? And he doesn't speak this language? Because I can see why he would find that a bit alienating.

I think you need to be realistic about how bilingual your DS can be if you are the only one in his world speaking that language to him. I think you should definitely keep speaking it to him, get books and DVDs, etc., but don't put too much pressure on him (or your husband) about it all. When he's a bit older he can take classes and hopefully speak to more people.

Early learning is key but for example, my DH didn't start learning German until he was 6 and still became bilingual in it.

I agree your DH should have a better attitude about it though.

dreamingbohemian- I am the only (on every day basis) person to speak Polish to DD and she can speak it very well. I speak exclusively Polish to her and my English DP doesn't find it alienating. Even if he did, he would feel that the benefits of being bilingual outweigh him not being able to understand everything.

Earlier is better. DD is trilingual now (we live in France)- I think it's a great gift to give to your child if you can. I also cannot imagine speaking other language than my own to my DD, it just feels wrong (did that with DS and regret it bitterly).

I can see no reason why your husband wouldn't want his son to speak his mum's language, except him feeling insecure about his lack of ability to learn languages.

In our relationship, it is DH speaking the minority language. My language skills are poor, and I haven't picked up much of his language. Yes, I'm going to be left behind, but why would I deprive my kids of something because I can't do it??!!

We skype his parents most weekends so there is a conversation in the minority language, rather than just DH talking to them.

Your English looks pretty good. Are you bilingual from birth? You should always talk to your kids in YOUR mother tongue - it is the language you can do baby talk, and nursery rhymes etc in. Talking to them in your second language is not good for their language development in any language. I can't remember where we found out this, but it was the www. Tho if english is one of your languages from birth, that argument won't hold!

Get him to read this article The Benefits of Bilingualism - I've read similar things elsewhere before.

Yes, it can be a bit difficult sometimes, and if one parent doesn't speak the other language well or at all they can feel a bit excluded, but it is so, so worth it for the children.

And presumably you have family back home - it will make it much easier for your son to have a good relationship with them if he can speak their native language, even if they all speak English too.

I didn't grow up bilingual, but my grandmother used to speak to me in Welsh and French sometimes, which gave me a taste for languages I have never lost (I've spent most of my life learning new languages and living abroad), but I do regret not having had the chance to be at native-speaker level in more than one.

And when I was studying Chinese, my class in Taiwan was full of British/Australian/American Chinese whose parents had brought them up just speaking English - they were all desperate to learn their 'ancestral' language.

What is your language? Please persevere with speaking your own language to your child. Nearly all books advise that the parents speak their own language to the child. I assume your child will need this language to speak to your family?

Thank you all for the suggestions.
I've been reading to him all the articles but I suppose it would be good just to email him links so he could refer to it every time he feels down so thank you, exexpat. When I said selling I meant what's in it for DH. The fact that my son would potentially be able to learn other foreign languages (which wouldn't hurt if a degree is going to cost upwards of £40000 here) or be able to speak to my family is to the benefit of our son. And me able to speak to him in my native language would be of benefit to me. DH finds it difficult now and I've noticed, dreamingbohemian, that our meals are becoming awkward with parallel conversation with DH and DS or conversations where only I am aware of all the details we are talking about. I was hoping that I can tell DH that it will become easier, that DS will be able to translate what I and him are talking about etc. My DH is very attached to our DS and I don't want to jeopardise their relationships but to stop speaking my native language is too high a price.

my husband could be bilingual if his dad hadn't objected.

after several months of joblessness, those adds for 'dutch-speaker...' which he couldn't put himself forwards for began to grate a bit...

he also can understand his dutch cousins, but not really engage in conversation with them - so it is a barrier between him and his mothers family

It was a mistake on his Dads part to ask it, and a mistake for his mother to agree.

you really do not have to 'sell' speaking your own language to your own child!

How would he feel like it if you told him that, he has to get over himself and you are right ds will be able to 'switch' perfectly naturally from language to language and make some gorgeous little multilanguage 'mistakes' that become family folklore. (like mine:))

Carry on doing what you are doing op and all the family will benefit and if your dh can't accept it then why did he marry you in the first place???

I think its very selfish if he puts his foot down over this. Its not only a fantastic opportunity for your child, but it could be good for helping him pick up the language too.
Im not great with languages, but my ear has automatically become more attuned to french since my dp speaks to the children in it, and its definitely improved my language, just from hearing it every day.

Aside from that, its up to YOU if you want to speak to your children in your mother tongue.
My mum and all my aunts and uncles regret not learning maltese because my irish grandfather wouldnt let my grandmother speak to the children in her language

See, I think you should compromise a bit.

Absolutely your DH should not object to bilingualism and you shouldn't have to sell it.

But tbh, your family meals sound a bit of a trial for him, if there is a whole conversation going on in front of him that he cannot participate in. It can be very frustrating, going along and having a conversation, and then all of a sudden everyone else goes off into something you don't understand, and you just have to wait until they decide to speak your language again. If every meal is like that, I can see why he is frustrated. You are basically putting him in a situation where either he learns the language as well (which he may not be prepared to do) or he has to spend half of every meal in the dark.

If you are a SAHM you have all day to speak to your DS in your own language. I would compromise and say that for family meals you will speak in English, so that everyone can participate in the conversation together. You may find your DH doesn't object to bilingualism in that case.

No, I think OP should speak exclusively in her language to her son because she is the only one able to do so, it seems, so his exposure to it will be somewhat limited anyway. And then, what is it going to be? Just the meals? The family gatherings? Everytime OP and DH are together with their son? Slippery slope, imo.

My DP didn't understand a word of Polish when he met me and now, after 5 years, understands quite a lot (and I don't think he's got a talent for foreign languages, tbh)- perhaps because when you speak to a small child, there's a lot of repetition, sentences are more basic as well...so as the child learns it, so do (albeit to lesser extent) other people who listen to it on daily basis, iyswim.

And in any case, him objecting to it/sulking about it is not on and it's his problem, really, not yours.

I'm 50/50 on this.

It's very important that the OP continues to speak her language however there are times when code switching is appropriate. We each speak our own language to DS but if we are with DHs family we are all speaking his language and vice versa. DS will need to do that too and eventually interact with a parent in a language which isn't associated in the context of the conversation. So whilst it's okay to address DS when it's a specific directive or comment if you want your DH to participate you at least need to interpret so he can reinforce the input with English if not have that conversation in English.

Your DH should also make an effort to learn so he can at least have a passive appreciation of what you say. Learning with a child is ideal precisely because of the repetitive, basic nature of what you say mentioned earlier up thread.

Difficult this one. I think you need to be a bit careful. My brother is bilingual, and his wife is Spanish. They lived in Spain until their children were 5 and 9, where, although they intended to do OPOL, in reality, Spanish ws their family language- db was working long hours, and dsil's English was OK but not really fluent. Then they moved to England, and the children went to school. Their English rapidly improved, while Sil's did too, but not as fast. The children are now 12 and 16, and while they still speak Spanish, their main language is definitely English. And I know dsil's finds it very, very difficult. She has never become completely bilingual, and she feels that the children's emotional development as teenagers is taking place in a language that is very much a second one for her. The only person in the family who is properly bilingual is my brother- the children are really English speakers who also speak very good Spanish. If they could choose a language to discuss their inner lives in it would be English. And sil does feel thatnshe's missing out- it's very hard for her.

Well, I think it comes down to personal preference. Both DH and I think it's quite important (and nice!) to have family time at dinner, where we are all talking and laughing together at the same things. Having that time every day is very important to us. So we would put the bilingualism on hold for that.

It doesn't have to be a slippery slope. If you always worry about the slippery slope, you'll never compromise on anything!

I agree the DH shouldn't sulk, but I think the OP should be willing to compromise a bit. She says she doesn't want to stop speaking her native language to her son, but is that what he's really asking? There is a lot of middle ground between only and never speaking her language.

I probably have a quite unrealistic idea about being bilingual. For example, I speak fluent English though with an accent and make mistakes but the difference with my native language is huge. With English it is like trying to smell things with blocked nose: it takes effort, some nuances are lost and generally there is not always an immediate reaction to the way it is expressed. I expect that being bilingual is having this natural way of relating to both languages.
I am generally all for compromise but I am really worried that even with a lot of input from me my DS still prefers English. If we start speaking English during meals I am afraid he would stop making an effort. How do OPOL families communicate together if one of the parents doesn't speak one of the languages?

That's exactly how my sil feels now with her teenagers! Exactly.

I think the problem is that whennthey are very little, the significant language is the one spoken by your mother, but once you are "out in the world" it becomes the one spoken by your peers. That's certainy been our family experience. I don't have a solution, sorry. I just know that the most successful bilingual families we know have been where both parents are bilingual.

I don't think you should risk alienating your dh from family life which he seems to feel is already the case. More important for the ds to grow up in a happy and intact family than to be perfectly bilingual IMO. He hears you speaking English to dh all the time surely, so ds will accept that you speak English at mealtimes to be inclusive but you can still say little things throughout the meal in your own mother tongue to ds, sprinkle it in. There is no need to be OTT about OPOL, it is an idea and you can take it as far as it suits you but it is not a God-given law.

It will become hard to maintain your language when he is at school, that is undeniably so, given the circumstances you describe. Just keep at it, something will stick.If you get him to the point where he reads fluently in your mother tongue and you can keep up a steady flow of books, he will not entirely lose it.

My best friend is Bulgarian, married to a Greek and living in Germany. She spoke Bulgarian to the dc, speaks Bulgarian to her dh and German if other people are around. The dc went to German school and German is their main language. They spend their summer holidays in Greece (that is all the Greek input they have) and my friend's Bulgarian mother visits them a couple of times a year and speaks only Bulgarian.

The dc are German speakers definitely. I think this is ok and also pretty much unavoidable. They feel culturally Greek and they are comfortable speaking Bulgarian. Perhaps their Bulgarian is a little basic, I cannot judge but it is fluent and they have no foreign accent so could easily build on it if they wanted to. I don't know how their Greek is but they can communicate in it.

Not so relevant for the the OP, but re comments about the dinner table converstation when they are older:

I think it is important that the non-English speaking parent [if in England for example] makes an effort at the table to understand what the children are saying to each other about school etc between themselves in English (which will end up their natural language to each other), and asking for clarification if not clear e.g. who is Mrs Clark, what did Wayne say about the uniform? So that they don't feel alienated, and in order to contribute to the conversation, emotional development etc - with the parent's questions, contributions back obv in the "second" language, which the children will understand.

Well, DP now can understand quite a lot of Polish and during meal times, for example, DD will translate for him what I've said and so will I. I don't know, but the conversation flows, it's not restrained or slowed down.

I really can't stress enough the importance of OPOL. Also you want to expose him as much as possible to your langauge so Skype with your family, tv and dvds, books etc.

I don't know about the perfect bi- or tri-lingualism: it is true that now, 6 months after DD started nursery she speaks French very well and with time it will probably become her first language. But she can express herself fluently in English and Polish as well, so even if she's not 'perfectly' trilingual, it'll be great if she knows those three languages very well when she grows up.

I know dreaming bohemian said that her son started learning German at 6 and still managed to become bilingual: that's great, but I would caution against such an approach. Perhaps her DS is super-talented or had lots of exposure to German, but it didn't work with my son (10): at 5 or 6 he refused to engage with Polish-it was too late.