DH feeling resentful about bilingualism

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I wonder if anybody can share their experience with me about "selling" bilingualism to their DPs. I am very keen for my son to speak both languages and my DH agrees to it but feels pushed out and isolated in the process. He finds it extremely hard to learn languages and did not progress much. To be fair it is very difficult and not many people would attempt it anyway. I am a SAHM and speak to my son exclisively in my language but we live in a very monocultural area where there are very few foreigners anyway and I do have to speak English to everybody else including my husband. Our son is starting to favour English though he does try to say things in my language and does seem to understand he has to use different words for me and DH. We've just subsribed to cable TV which would allow my son to hear others speaking the language but I understand that he needs more than me to practice it. At the moment weekend groups and a long trip to my country are out of the question. Is there anything I can say or do to change his opinion about bilingualism?

Actually that was my DH Winny

See, I think it's really interesting that you think OPOL is so important, because no one I know who is bilingual grew up with that (not just my DH but a number of friends, and now seeing the children of friends). We're not doing it either and so far DS seems equally comfortable with English and French.

This is why I am more relaxed about things like dinner, I think, I have seen firsthand that there are many paths to bilingualism, it will depend so much on the child, the parents, the environment. I think all you can do is what feels right.

Also, you have to recognise that while bilingualism is great for kids and something we want for them, not all children will want to be bilingual. And I don't think it should be forced on them. Looking at my DH family, they are French and lived in lots of places growing up, they range from his brother who refuses to speak anything but French, to my DH who speaks five languages.

I think the best thing is to expose your DC to your language as much as possible when he's this age and just see how things progress. 20 minutes of dinner converstion in English is not going to be the difference between him being bilingual or not.

in our house, it is DH who speaks the minority language, and as DS is at nursery and childminders and with me a lot, he is mainly speaking in English - but he is understanding more and more of his father's language as he gets older, and speaking more of it too.

We have a relaxed approach though - DH speaks maybe 90% to DS in his language, the rest of the time in English. I use some phrases I've picked up from DH, and can read the language fairly well from books (even if I haven't s clue what I'm saying!), so DS gets bedtime stories in both languages, and has some kids cartoons on DVD in DH's language.

As the parent who isn't introducing the foreign language though, I can say I don't feel left out at all - DH will translate for me when necessary, but the rest of the time, I don't stress about it. At dinner times, DH will switch between languages, so I don't feel left out - but as DS is only 2.6, I suppose that may change. However, I think the most important thing is that my children can communicate with my in-laws in the future, as I'd hate for them to miss out on that relationship just because of a language barrier. Can you sell it to your DH like that at all?

its possible to have two languages at the table. when my dp talks to two of the children in french, it doesnt stop me or my eldest son speaking in english. Tbh, the children usually respond in english anyway, even if spoken to in french, even though their understanding is fine, and dp speaks to me and ds1 in english, so its like a constant switch of languages. Noones left out.

My SIL is English living in Spain with a Spanish DH. Both speak English and Spanish (and both work part time so spend similar amounts of time with DC).

With their eldest DC, both spoke exclusively English to him at home on the basis that outside the home he would be exposed mainly to Spanish. His English is the best of the 3 DC but when he started school (or pre-school?) his Spanish was not as good as the other children and this made him very shy (he may have been shy anyway I guess but his parents definitely think the language thing made it much harder for him on starting school)

With middle DC, SIL spoke English to her at home and BIL Spanish. Her English is very good and Spanish was as good as everyone else's by the time she started school/pre-school.

With DC3, Spanish is mainly spoken at home (given elder siblings) although SIL tries to speak English with her as much as possible. Her English is definitely way behind where her siblings were at that age.

SIL thinks they got the balance right with DC2, but not much they could do about it with DC 3 given elder children!

"tell him to stfu and get on with it."

Get on with possibly not being able to communicate at a deep level with his own children? Get on with being sidelines at the dinner table, and not getting all the little jokes and anecdotes of a the day? There's a good idea!

I have a British born Chinese friend who is married to an Englishman. He is very anti-bi lingualism.

The friend's siblings are all British born and at family gatherings they all speak English. Yet the DH always makes an excuse not to attend.

I'm not sure how to put it politely but some people aren't comfortable being around foreigners even when they are married to a foreigner.

At home he will insist that his son eats English food and he even complains if my friend tries to get their son to say basic words like thank you in Cantonese.

OP - Do you see your DH in anu of the above?

if someone is sidelined at the dinner table, thats a relationship issue, not a language issue, and if he makes an effort to learn the basics of his wifes language, which i dont think is too much to ask in a relationship, and if he talks to his own children enough, then there is nothing to worry about

Ok. But my personal family experience says that this is a potentially difficult situation and should be watched.

And my sil has much, much more than the basics of English, and still feels sidelined.

I usually come down on the side of not adhering strictly to OPOL. But in this case I think the OPs dh hasn't really thought through what he is asking of his wife: to spend the rest of their married life and the rest of her time with her child not being able to communicate in her own language, because he can't be arsed to make the same effort that she has made to learn his language.

"Get on with possibly not being able to communicate at a deep level with his own children?"

But isn't that exactly what he is asking of his wife: if she is not allowed to ensure that the children are bilingual (which will mean more than just using their language when they are alone together), she will never be able to do this. And by the sounds of it, she won't have anybody else to speak her own language to either.

He, presumably, will be able to speak to the children in English at all other times; and as they live in England they will grow up speaking English. But the wife is asked to cut her own language out altogether. Big ask imho. It would have been too big an ask for me, but thankfully dh never asked it of me: he took it for granted that when two people from a different culture married, the household would be made up of those two different cultures forever after. Rejecting my language would have been rejecting me.

If that's the case, then I completely misunderstood. I thought the op's partner was supportive of the bilingualism, but felt sidelined when the three of them were together but mother and child are speaking in a language he isn't very proficient in. Am I wrong?

OP, you are coming across as very intractable which may be because English isn't your first language. May I ask you a question? - do you live in England / an English-speaking country? Because if you do, I really can't understand why you would object to your son speaking English as his first language! Is he going to be educated in English? Be exposed to English/American/Australian/whatever culture as part of his day-to-day life?

He can still be bilingual but speak English more often than your native language. Why the need to "sell" the benefits of bilingualism to your DH when you've already admitted that there is no benefit to your DH of having a bilingual child (other than having a free translator if he ever visits your home country I suppose ...)

If you honestly feel that it is OK to spend family mealtimes talking to your DS in a langauage his own father doesn't understand, thereby deliberately excluding him from the conversation, you are being very unfair!

Just speak to your son in your native language whenever you are alone with him. Why isn't this enough?

Are you feeling homesick since you had your DS? - is this why you are so determined to speak in a language your DH doesn't understand?

It is cry difficult, though, to maintain the language that's not the language of the country you live in. Proper bilingualism is very difficult to achieve- it's very different from "speaking perfect Spanish"

if you dont push for bilingualism, what about the other side of the family too, grandparents etc. Its pretty much excluding them from being able to communicate with the child too or having a relatiionship at all

Sorry, I have been out all day so couldn't respond. I just wanted to clarify some points:

• DH SAYS he wants DS to speak both languages but can't help to FEEL pushed out when I speak to DS not in English;
• I want DS to have an easy and natural way with both languages not just being a very good speaker of the minority language (which might be a tall order in our current circumstances but we are planning to move to a more multicultural area where DS will have more opportunities for using both languages);
• We go to various classes where all instructions and singing are in English; I buy him lots of English books; as I said, everybody around us including DS's friends are English - I thought about it and realised that at the beginning I felt very self-conscious about speaking my native language to DS in public and he might have picked up on that;
• DS's English came in leaps and bounds when we spent more than 2 months with DH's family, particularly because of his cousins;
• Our mealtimes are a mixture of English and my mother tongue; when it goes from what we did during the day - in both languages to "look the peas are green"; it's difficult to have more than that as DS doesn't speak per se;
• My understanding is that I have until DS is 3 to root the minority language because it's when we plan to start him in a nursery so that he will be confident in using English at school;
• DH actually likes when I cook my national dishes and doesn't give any ultimatums; But on reflection he made excuses for the past 5 years why he can't join me on trips home and is not interested in my family; :( Can't believe it didn't occur to me before.

And yes, it is one of the non-negotiables but it is obviously there are different ways to go about it.

Hi, been keeping an eye on this thread.
wrt the minority language in public, DH would say something in the minority language, and then repeat in English. Tho its often more like "don't throw sand" than a conversation. No-one has batted an eyelid at it (and we're very white english round here)

Yes, I, as the non minority speaking partner, feel left out when we get together with DH's family, but it makes me annoyed when they try to carry out the whole conversation in English - its not their best language, and its wasting an opportunity to cement the minority language.

I hope you can come up with a solution to allow your LO to get the benefits of both languages - were space rocket obsessed at the moment, and our nearly 3 year old has been doing 5-4-3-2-1 blast off in both languages this evening. It was lovely to see.

Hope so, nextphrase. We are doing clours and count with trains at the moment.

COlours

it is a shame that he doesn't want to accompany you on trips home and spend time with your family. If you marry someone, you do always get the attached family, that is the way it is. I suppose he finds it a strain not understanding the language and he is maybe one of many many English people who feel learning to speak a foreign language is a huge problem.

It souinds to me as if what you are doing at home is generally working and your little boy is finding his way around both languages quite well for a 3 year old. If he goes to nursery or when he begins school, you will be hard pushed to keep it up but you've done the groundwork

It has been my experience if a child does not speak the minority language by the time they get to nursery then it becomes an uphill struggle thereafter.

The child will become more proficient in English and his vocab will grow. The child will not want to sit there and think 'how can I say that in ?' So the easy option will be to switch to English.

My friend's son can understand Chinese but can't speak it. Not ideal but better than nothing. If you can't get your child to speak your language then at least get him to understand.

Books: my best friend is Amazon Germany. Until DD was 3isch I hardly bought any books here at all. She had a couple of gift but that's it.

Obviously your DH will want to read to your DS but I would try to get books in your mother tongue.

Why not making one language the family one/dinner table one. I think it is important to have decent conversations as a group and nobody feels excluded. Would your DH start learning your language? How does he communicate with your family?

OP, how likely is it that your DH might try to learn a bit more of your language again?

Is it a particularly difficult language?

You said he didn't do so well with trying to learn before -- how was he approaching it?

I wonder if he would feel less alienated and be more willing to visit your family if he spoke even a little bit.

I also do not learn languages easily but I finally found an audiobook that is amazing and I'm learning a lot at the moment.