introduction/why did you have children?

[thematernalquestion]

Hello everyone :)

I'm new to mumsnet. I am not pregnant nor do I have children, but the question is constantly on my mind. I am an art student and because of this question (and a lot of fear) I work with the concept of motherhood.

I was wondering if anyone could both help me with my work and personal issues on the matter? If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me when you first started thinking about the possibility of having children, and perhaps what triggered it? And why did you go through with it, did you hesitate, or regret anything?

For a long time I thought I wouldn't have children. I've felt that way since I was seventeen. The more I think about it the more I fear that if I did, I would behave like my parents did when I was a child; short temper, aggression, ignorance. I do not feel particularly stable emotionally, and I fear that if I had a child I wouldn't be able to control myself. And I do not want to bring up a person the same way as I was. I'm not saying my parents were bad parents, but this behaviour did affect me. At the same time I wonder if I could go through life without experiencing pregnancy and bringing up a child...

I'm not asking for you to convince me one way or the other. I am simply hoping that you might share your real experiences, as I think it is honesty that might truly help me, both personally and professionally.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I hope to hear from you.

I always knew I wanted children. I'm not sure I can explain it, it was just a sort of burning need. I did wait until the time was right, I had a career, a long-term partner, somewhere to live and knew we could support our children.

I would say, that even though I was sure this was what I wanted, have a baby is incredibly hard. If you aren't sure I wouldn't do it, tbh.

I write as someone who for years, did not want children. Just never saw them in my life. I have a sister who was born when I was 11. God, I found her so annoying! She drove me crazy, there were no maternal feelings whatsoever and I vowed that I wouldnt become a mother, I just believe it wouldn't suit me.

Fast forward 14 years, I married a wonderful man who wanted to have a child or 2. He never put pressure on me, but he made it known that he would like to be a father, he said that if I decided that we wouldnt have children, he would support that decision, but I knew that he would secretly be very upset about it. Plus, a few of my close friends became mothers, and told me that it was the best thing that had ever happened to them. My resolve to never have children began to waver.

Then, in Feb 2010 I discovered I was pregnant (found out after realising that the glass of wine I was drinking tasted all funny!) and I freaked out. Really and truly. Went into total denial, refused to even think about it. Was diagnosed with ante-natal depression and put my friends and family through a very tough time.

After my ds was born in Oct 2010, those first few weeks that followed were the darkest of my life. I would just sit and stare in total bewilderment at this tiny little person who had stormed into my life and turned it upside down. I longed for the 'good old days' back, when mine and dh's needs mattered most, when I could relax in front of the TV after work with a glass of wine, when me and dh could go out to dinner whenever we pleased. I would sob that it had been a mistake.

However... after a few weeks things started to change. I gave ds his first bath and washed the little bit of hair he had. Afterwards, it stuck up like fluff and he looked so cute, I felt my heart starting to thaw, and it was all up from there. Now, ds is 17 months and the light of my life, he is everything to me. I could kiss and cuddle him for hours. I watch him when he is asleep and I cant believe how lucky I am. He makes me laugh and laugh, I love him SO much.

I suppose my advice would be to go for it, even if you arent sure. Because you WILL grow to adore your child more than you ever thought was possible. Motherhood is the hardest, but best and most rewarding job in the world. And I never thought I would say that. Good luck, whatever you decide :)

Always wanted children but had a vague idea of it happening at some point well into my 30s. Met DH in my mid twenties and soon afterwards developed some sort of ridiculously intense feeling which people call 'broodiness', but which was something much stronger and more primal than that word implies. I wanted a baby. I wanted his baby. It was scarily intense.

Oh, sorry, cut off a bit abruptly there. The reality of motherhood was a big shock for me. I found it incredibly hard to be away from work, lose my freedom, cope with the changes to my lifestyle, figure, relationship with DH etc.

Having my DS is the best and most rewarding thing i have done with my life. It gives me so much pleasure and happiness to see his developing personality and fills me with a great sense of pride and achievement when he does something for the first time - it's as if i myself have achieved it for the first time. And i love seeing the sense of wonder in his eyes when he sees something for the first time. I can see his brain ticking away trying to work things out and it is absolutely fascinating. Sometimes i literally cannot take my eyes off him.

I never really gave much thought to having children tbh - it wasn't high up on my list, probably because i could never see myself settling down and getting married. But then i met my DH. He's 10 years older and has 2 DDs who i have now known for 10 years and initially he said he didn't want any more. I was fine with that. At first. But it gradually dawned on me that, whilst i love them dearly, they weren't mine and i began to crave having a child with DH who we could raise together, imparting our knowledge and values to along the way. This was in my late 20s, but when we began trying to conceive i realised that something wasn't quite right. We ended up seeing a consultant at the hospital who diagnosed me with PCSO syndrome. We had 2 long years of trying and failing, talking about IVF and adoption etc. I lost weight and exercised loads and did everything possible to get pregnant. It put a tremendous strain on our relationship and us as individuals. Eventually we decided to adopt. And then i found out i was pregnant.

I suppose my experience has made me look at the world differently, more positively perhaps. I feel exceptionally fortunate, blessed, and i wouldn't change a single thing.

But being a parent is bloody hard, and not necessarily in the way you think it will be. The hardest thing for me in the weeks following my DS's birth was simply that life had changed completely and not for many years to come could i just 'pop out' to the shops again. It becomes a military manoevre literally overnight just to get out of the door. Over time putting your child first becomes automatic, like driving a car. But at first you feel like you've somehow lost yourself. And i underestimated the impact having a baby would have on my relationship with my DH and i think many people probably do. It took us a while to learn to compromise again over the care of our DS and even now we sometimes disagree.

But now i've done it once i wouldn't be fearful again. I'd love another DC in a couple of years, but DH's child rearing days are over. Nonetheless i feel very privileged to have brought my DS into the world after such a lot of heart ache.

Not sure what you make of all that!

Hmm, difficult question to answer really.

I always wanted children. I just knew that I did. There was no defining moment when I though "yes", just a general all encompassing feeling that motherhood was for me.

I have one DS and feel blessed and privileged to have him. I lost two before him so am very honoured to have my DS.

I understand your hesitancy and fears, in regard to your childhood. My only thought there is that you are aware. You know how you feel you were failed (if that is not too strong a word) so are unlikely to make the same mistakes. Sometimes feelings are slow to come, sometimes they are there immediately. Neither is right or wrong. It can be hard sometimes but whatever hardships/difficulties/issues you face so so worth it.

Pure accident :) Met a nice chap, had a bit a roll in the old hay and 'whoopsa daisy'. Turned out to be perfect for me because of various reasons, not least that if I'd sat down and thought it all through I'd have put it off until it was too late.

I always liked the idea and we got narrow and people started dropping hints so we got careless and along came DS.

In hindsight it wasn't the best timing! I love him to bits but I can feel resentful.

Got married

I never really wanted children, and wasn't interested in babies in the slightest, but when I was around 32, it was like someone flicked a hormonal switch and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to have kids.

The funny thing was, I still didn't like babies all that much (and in fact still involuntarily shuddered when I walked past screaming babies right up to just before I gave birth) but well, I guess it must be true when they say you love your own like no others.

Being totally un-maternal from the outset, I have surprised myself at how strongly I feel my kids are my whole world and how much fierce love I have for them and how just thinking about them fills me with peace and happiness and how no matter how hard it's been (and there have been some pretty grim times so far) I've not regretted it for a heartbeat.

The downside is that parenting for the most part (particularly after DC2) is an anxiety provoking, thankless, boring, vomit, shit and grime filled task that takes over almost your entire life as you know it. And I don't think I'm much good at it either!

Thank you all for your replies. It was really emotional for me to read what you all said, this is why I'm only getting back to it now.

I'm still worried that even if I choose to have children, my 'inner feelings' will surface, and I have no way of knowing whether those are good or bad. If those feelings are related to anger and anxiety, then I will lapse into a cycle of irritation like I always do. But I have no way of finding this out beforehand! The mere thought of it makes me feel like I shouldn't even consider this.

Do any of you feel this way since you have had children? What do you do? Or what can you do?

If you have difficulty controlling your anger and tend to get irritated easily, don't inflict that on children.

I fell pregnant accidentally and then again two years later. Luckily we're very happy and very, very careful now!

I was only 24 having my first and tbh I do miss my freedom and wish frequently I'd been older but I wouldn't change things. I'll get my life back when I'm 40. (She says!)

Because my pill failed

CogitoErgoSometimes: I don't think I would inflict in on children, not physically anyway. My worry is that my frustration and irritation will show through and prevent bonding with them. For example my father would try to help me with homework sometimes, and when I asked him to explain something to me, he would immediately shout at me for not understanding it in the first place. I do not have particularly fond memories of him (nor my mother) from my childhood, and this is what I'm afraid will happen with me.

Ime negative experiences in childhood make you more proactive in providing your children the happy memories you may not have had.
I have had a difficult relationship with my mum and from a young age did not want children at all.
When i fell pregnant at 20,i spent the next few months convincimg myself i wouldnt ne able to cope and that i would display the same traits my mum did towards me. but.
.. as soon as i held my dd i vowed that i would try my hardest to provide her with happy memories and a positive relationship with me and oh.
Fast forward 5years and 2ds later,been a parent is without doubt hard but is so rewarding.

maternal, remember you don't HAVE to have children. Plenty of women don't and no one thinks any worse of them. I have a colleague, she is in her 50's now, and she never had kids. And she claims she doesn't regret that decision for a second, and I believe her. She has a lovely, peaceful life where she gets to come and go as she pleases. Personally, as much as I adore my little ds and the joy he undoubtedly brings to my life, there is a LOT that I find tough about motherhood. I have less sleep now, less sleep than I thought I could get by on (I love my sleep!!) I have less money, less time to myself and less time with dh alone, I have much more stress and frustration now, and literally never stop worrying about my ds. It can be bloody exhausting frankly. If you are happy and you love your life how it is, don't let society and other ppl's opinions sway you imho

VickyandAlistair: I know I don't have to have children: One of the reasons I wouldn't want to have them is the fact that there are these pressures from family and the rest of society that make it unfair to women all over the world as some feel pressured into having children. BUT I can't help but to think that if I was to not have children, what if I regret it later? You often hear of women these days (just read about it this week in the Guardian) who've postponed having children till late in life and then bitterly regret it.

This is one of the reasons I'm already thinking of this now, I want to make an informed decision when I'm actually ready for it, instead of 'going with the flow', and regretting it later one way or another.

I'm glad that most of you seem to really enjoy parenting even though there are tough times to go through!

I was an art student- I did not want children then.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

It didn't hit me until about 30, and then I still didn't want one enough to give up my lifestyle and plan one; but we were slapdash (Freudian slip? ), and DD was born just after my 31st birthday.

Anyway, in for a penny, in for a pound and am expecting DD2 in a few weeks.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but it all seems to work.

Oh, and nobody can describe the good bits about having children; the bad bits are apparent in abundance, but it is worth it because the good bits surpass anything else you've ever felt, ever.

Tethersend: I'm an art student as well, I'm 23, turning 24 soon. So this isn't the most time-pressing issue, but it is something that I have to think about on a daily basis and that does really form a central part to who I am. The questioning anyway.

If you felt like you didn't want to give up your lifestyle, then how did you decide to keep the baby once you found out, if you don't mind me asking?

At 23, I did not want a child at all- motherhood seemed like an abstract concept.

Why did I keep DD? Quite simply, I had had a termination in my late 20s and couldn't go through one again; plus I was in a relationship and wanted to be a mum more than I wanted to stay out all night and drink. Only marginally, mind- but that was enough.

It was absolutely the best decision.

Hi I grew up in what my brother and I termed world war three with parents who stayed together but couldn't stand the sight of each other, numerous affairs, some violence etc etc. I was adamant I never wanted children I had a career, degree, travelled the world. Then when I was 25 I had a fling and the contraception failed. Fling guy fled the country, literally and I just panicked. I walked around in a daze not knowing what to do, I didn't want children. Then at about 10 weeks I started to bleed heavily and in that terrifying second I knew exactly what I wanted that I loved my baby. My pregnancy was awful and we both ended up fighting for our lives, my beautiful son was born at 26 weeks. I had no idea I could love anyone so much, he is now 4 and the light of my life, everything i do is for him. I am not afraid of making my parents mistakes, I am not perfect but I am strong and more aware for what I grew up with. I have to say I found motherhood easy and a lot of fun, after nearly losing everything suddenly having everything was amazing sorry I seem to have waffled on a bit but the answer to your question for me was just in that second when instinct/something took over and despite any doubts I knew what I wanted.

Wow. It's amazing the different experiences you've had that led to the decision to keep your children, and how wonderfully it's turned out, I'm glad for you both :) It certainly makes it sound a lot better than I expected to hear. It also makes me feel like there's hope, even when things don't seem so good in the beginning (or before the beginning)!

What I would say is that how you feel as a 23 yr old will not dictate how you feel for the rest of your life. If you don't want a child now, it doesn't mean that you never will; so don't try and make a decision, and don't worry; nothing is set in stone.

Are you under pressure to consider having a child, or are you exploring the issue through your work?