introduction/why did you have children?

[thematernalquestion]

Hello everyone :)

I'm new to mumsnet. I am not pregnant nor do I have children, but the question is constantly on my mind. I am an art student and because of this question (and a lot of fear) I work with the concept of motherhood.

I was wondering if anyone could both help me with my work and personal issues on the matter? If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me when you first started thinking about the possibility of having children, and perhaps what triggered it? And why did you go through with it, did you hesitate, or regret anything?

For a long time I thought I wouldn't have children. I've felt that way since I was seventeen. The more I think about it the more I fear that if I did, I would behave like my parents did when I was a child; short temper, aggression, ignorance. I do not feel particularly stable emotionally, and I fear that if I had a child I wouldn't be able to control myself. And I do not want to bring up a person the same way as I was. I'm not saying my parents were bad parents, but this behaviour did affect me. At the same time I wonder if I could go through life without experiencing pregnancy and bringing up a child...

I'm not asking for you to convince me one way or the other. I am simply hoping that you might share your real experiences, as I think it is honesty that might truly help me, both personally and professionally.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I hope to hear from you.

Well, I do have some pressure from family (grandmother told me few years ago that now the only thing she had to look forward to was holding my child, and apparently my father's biological clock is ticking for grandchildren!). But I know that even if I was sure I wanted children I would not be having them now, so their opinions on the matter don't influence mine, they simply make me uncomfortable. But I have been thinking about this constantly for a year now, and before that I've had strong opinions on the matter as well. I think I'm also influenced by the fact that I'm in a great relationship which has been going on for almost 5 years, so I'm considering a lot of things to do with our future anyway. I'm not trying to 'make up my mind', just trying to make observations that I could later base my decision on I guess.

I nearly died then had an unplanned pregnancy I didn't find out about until I had a misscarriage all in about the space of a month. I think(!) my hormones just went a bit mental, DH and I got very lazy about contraception and I got pregnant, having just graduated from University aged 21.

I also have a pretty shite family history, so I asked for therapy when DD was a baby and had counselling about it. My worried about repeating certain behaviours were making me extremely anxious and panicky. It made a massive difference to me and if that's something that worries you I can really recommend getting some help now or later.

In other news we are all fine, I don't beat up my kids, and I'm quite good at this whole parenting thing IMHO. (Except potty training. Don't ask about that.)

"just trying to make observations that I could later base my decision on I guess."

I think that's what I'm trying to say- your decision later on will not necessarily be based on rational observations, but more likely on gut feeling.

If we were to examine the pros and cons of childbirth and parenting logically and act accordingly, the human race would die out overnight

Haha I suppose that would indeed be the case! Thanks for all your help! I hope others will still contribute their experiences, as my interest on the subject isn't going anywhere!

we wanted to
knew we be good
we have lot to offer creatively,emotionally,intellectually
was solvent could afford it,could afford ft childcare
able to plan smooth return to work after mat
no significant impact on my career

I always always always wanted children, so very much

First child was an accident, but what an accident, he is the very light of my life.

DC2 and 3, are the product of the most amazing relationship, I met DH in my mid 30s, and I love him so much, our children are very much an extention of that love.

I am debating a 4th, but I am reaching an age when its now or now, and now isnt a good time, but I feel I may regret it not having more, DC 2 and 3 want another DC1 is horrified at the idea.

I didn't know that I wanted children until my gynae Doctor told me I wouldn't be able to have any.

I knew I wanted kids when aged 28 I yearned for a kitten and when I got one I treated her like a baby. No joke .

Thank you all for sharing your experiences! It's wonderful to hear the kinds of things you have gone through that have made you realise what you really wanted.

RosemaryandThyme: what did you do when you heard this?? Have you considered/did you consider other methods?

hello,

I have had one DC at a relatively late age. I was single or in non meaningful relationships mid 20´s to mid 30´s and not broody at all. My friends started to have children and I was slightly pissed off my drinking friends wren´t so much fun! Then my identical twin had children and the difference holding and being with them was so huge - a combination of exposure and recognising their mum´s and therefore my features in them.

I still wasn´t bothered enough about having to have children to make active decisions to get pregnant but when I met someone a few years later, because of my age, we had the conversation very early in our relationship which I think strengthened it.

Now we have our DC and it is a delightful experience and am so happy to have done it (apart from the pregnancy, birth, and lack of sleep . . .), am thinking very hard about trying again, I would like 2 but worried that the first is so lovely it can only go downhill and on a more practical level the increased risks as I get older and doing the hole morning sickness, tiredness etc whilst already have a child

I always kind of assumed I would, but my early twenties were a time of reckless selfishness - and I don't mean that in a negative way :) I was very much bouncing from one thing to the next, ricocheting from experience to experience without much conscious decision making or planning.

Met my very dear husband at 25, but we just seemed to takes ages to get our act together - it was like we needed the time to grow together at a leisurely pace. I too got a kitten at 28 and she is very much babied. The broodiness kicked in around that age - as someone else said, it's much more primal than the word implies. Career had sort of sprung up out of nowhere, things seemed to fall in place. By my 30th birthday we were engaged, married within a year, and I'm pregnant with our first child and still a few months off the first anniversary

It all seemed to happen quickly but naturally - we're just coming up to our sixth year together. Things could be better financially - he's self-employed, my salary is the breadwinner, we can't afford to buy our home. But I just think, WTF! Things will turn out OK.

When I think about my 23 year old self, children were a far off assumption, something that might happen later. I was nowhere near ready or calm enough at that age. Don't judge yourself as you are now - while I wouldn't say DH or I were immature, we did take our sweet time growing into the people who became ready to be parents.

When I was 23/24, children weren't really on my radar. I think mid to late 20s would be a good age to start a family (I had my DS at 32), but 10 years ago I certainly wasn't thinking that I had better get a move on and find a suitable man. At that stage I was quite unsure if I wanted to have children. Partly out of a long-standing concern for the environment, about overpopulation, wondering whether it was a good world to bring children into, partly wanting to enjoy holidays/freedom, and simply not being very keen on babies and toddlers.

I got together with my husband when I was 27. He's 12 years older and was always very keen to have children. I was also warming to the idea by this time, although if he hadn't wanted any I would probably have been OK with that. I also remember thinking that if I couldn't conceive naturally I definitely didn't want to have IVF or to adopt. My son is nearly 17 months old now and I love him so much. I find being a parent very rewarding and love seeing him grow, develop and learn how to do new things. I'm very glad we had him. Yet I can see how not being a parent could also be a perfectly valid and rewarding option, if that makes sense. I saw this book mentioned in the Guardian, which looks interesting - the default is for people to justify why they don't have children, not why they do. Good luck with whatever you eventually decide.