Is it right im not aalowed to see my Daughter

[mike6491]

Hey all I am just trying to get a wider prospective of views. I have a 3 yeard old daughter who lives with her mum only a few miles away, but despite me asking I'm never allowed to see her and when on the very few occasions I have been allowed last time being sept 2009 there are a lot of conditions. I have parental responsibility and there is no court order preventing me from seeing my daughter, I don't want to bad mouth her mum but just want to hear some views from other parents.

not having a go at him different but giving advice as to how to move forward and build up a relationship with a child he hasn't seen for 18m and possibly never had regular contact with even before that.

would worry about gossip prevent you from seeing your child diff?

if his wife knows there may be gossip as he alleges but is supportive of his need to see his child she would surely risk it for him to see his child and maintain a relationship with her? also thinking of the child who is three and won't know her father now it seems it would be best initially to have contact in her mother's home with mum around - obviously you wouldn't want it to be that way for long or forever but initially it would be the kindest and most responsible way to see her and begin a relationship without causing her stress and fear.

the only thing we know really is that the ex has said he can see his DD any time at her home which he hasn't taken her up on even though it's a great opportunity to see his dd and build up a relationship with her.

ideally it would afford the building of trust and the contact could then increase over time. if it didn't and court became necessary the OP would be in a stronger position to be able to say he had maintained a relationship with his dd, shown commitment to her and to trying to move things along over a period of time and it would be easy to show continued and more extensive contact with the child would be positive for her and was the next natural step. the mother would look unreasonable for denying that to a man who had a strong bond and relationship with his child.

i wouldn't hand over my child to a stranger, albeit the biological father, without a structured period of them getting to know each other and building a bond and gradually extending the time they have together and the level of separation from myself. the end objective would be contact alone but there would be steps along the way to make that as easy and comfortable for the child as possible.

I'm not in OPs position, but I do know how manipulative people can be over children, as my mother's lie & demands prevented my father from seeing us.

I just feel that is not right to side with someone who is obviously being very manipulative, especially if that could cost the op his current marriage/child.

And according to the op he has seen his daughter that way, leading to the rumours etc.

I would say that the only thing we know is that the OP did not fight tooth and nail to see his child.

Go to a solicitor and follow it right through to the end

I think we have all been thinking about the child's interests, not siding with the mother or the father.

Sorry, by we I meant everyone on this thread. I think there's some good advice here and I agree that a meeting with an 18 month old is probably best in the company of that child's primary carer. I don't think I would leave my dd alone with anyone unless she had met them a few times before when I was there too, just for her comfort and security, nothing to do with who that person is.

You could ask solicitor for contact in a neutral place with child and mother present. Maybe in public or someone else (a professional) present? Then this would satisfy what the mum wants and you'd also see your daughter without fearing anything regarding the two adults could be gossiped about?

If there is no court order or reason that visits should be supervised the mother has no right to dictate how contact should take place, and you would have to question her motives for insisting visits can only take place her way.

I also agree that you could have been doing much more here mike, and not allowing the mother to manipulate the situation and prevent you from seeing your daughter. Don't waste anymore time, you absolutely have rights as others have said, time to act.

She's your daughter and i actually think that your ex making it difficult/ impossible to see her is only storing up problems for the future. I think it is potentially damaging to her and there is plenty of evidence on the step parenting board if you want to read a few people's stories. I think it is perfectly reasonable that you do not want visits to take place at your ex's house. For a start you have a new family you presumably want your DD to be a part of. Unless there is a very good reason for her making stipulations like this, and i only have your word to go on, then i would fight tooth and nail to see her. I know my DH has done with his DDs.

Up until my Daughter was 18 months old i had regular contact with her, But was always being threatened with it being withdrawn whenever i did not go along with every condition that her mum imposed. As for all the contact being in her mums house the reason this is not appropriate is it was often just the 3 of us and when this has taken place she has made unwanted sexual advances towards me, when these were rejected arguments would ensue.So i then said that I would prefer contact to be held elsewhere as I don't want to argue in front of my daughter. The last time i saw my daughter her mum was throwing things I had brought for her at me whilst shouting abuse at me. I therefore left her response was to drive to where she knew my partner (now wife) was waiting and proceeded to chase her through the town centre in her car with my daughter in the car. My wife stopped at the local police station worried for her safety to which my ex shouted that we had been sleeping together and that she was pregnant none of which were true. I am not trying to sway opinion but show why it was not a reasonable request to have all the contact at her mums house.

Well then, tbh you should be fighting her for sole custody if she is that unhinged, not quibling over a day here or there.

ok if that's the case then clearly you need to go through the courts and get something mandated. i realise it's expensive etc but you've tried without a court order and that hasn't been successful so you need to go down that route.

i do worry about a child being sent off alone with someone they don't know - i'm not talking about it needing to be forever or a long time but it would be good if initially contact could take place somewhere and with someone she felt secure with. are there grandparents on your ex's side who might facilitate this? or a third party such as your own mother who could go with you to see dd and give her a chance to get to know you before you have her on your own?

if what you are saying about the mother is true then yes it's a nightmare and i can understand you not wanting to be in her home alone though i struggle to understand why you have let so much time elapse with no contact without taking proper legal action and seeing it through to the end.

hope you get it sorted - a third party who was willing to get involved at this stage could be really helpful. are your parents around? or are her parents reasonable?

that must be horrible for your daughter. Please see a solicitor and find out how you can see her, I'm sure there will be something you can do. Don't stop trying, if the mother is making it difficult don't stop trying because I think it's important that your daughter knows you always wanted to see her and didn't give up on her.

is there any family member who could help?

If not, sadly it sounds like you may have to go to court.

I would have one last try at sorting it out. You obviously can't jump right into overnight stays after such a long gap with such a young child but you could start with an hour or sonon the weekends andit could build up fairly quickly, if her mum is supportive.

But it sounds like there is a lot of bitterness and lack of trust.

If she won't have anything to do with your efforts, then I would apply to court for a defined contact order. I am afraid it is going to take time as a report from CAFCASS (child and family court support service) will take up to 16 weeks. I think a full report will be needed here.

I think you should apply. You are the only dad she will ever have and the research is clear that in many cases it is emotionally harmful for children to grow up with skewed ideas about one of their parents.

Just try not to turn it into a 'war'. I appreciate you may be feeling very angry and upset, but so too may her mum. There are always two sides to every story. But turning this into a battle just leads to misery for everyone, not least of all your child.

Actually I think attempting to control a fathers contact with his child - by insisting it takes place in your home, with you present is fundamentally wrong.

OP you are in a difficult position now as DD doesn't know you - could ex MIL facilitate contact until you re-establish a relationship with DD??

It doesn't have to be expensive to go to court - you can self represent - there are more moderate fathers groups out here who wil help you (not F4J)

I totally agree with Spero.

The courts can actually be quite helpful and try to be as fair to both parties as possible.

CAFCASS can talk to you both about whats happening and go from there. Its a step in the right direction.

And you haven't gone to court to get access because???

And don't say you can't afford your rent because of maintenance payments makes you sound like you'd rather not pay a penny for your daughter because you have a new family now .

That poor child. No mere mortal with no legal backing whatsoever would ever stop me seeing my ds for 18 months!

I will never understand how parents can just walk away like you have. So she made it difficult for you to see your dd, and you have PR but you haven't done anything about it.

Why would he come on here and leave himself open to the lovely helpful comments of you lot if he hadn't paid maintenance and was happy with his new family leaving the other child behind ?
He would in fact just be off enjoy it wouldn't he ?
Some of you guys are actually off your heads you know.

I think everyone has been very supportive with useful advice

I agree with all those saying go to court and see it through. I do sort of understand why you have left it so long. You are in a very tough position and it must be horrible. I think absent fathers get a bad name because of groups like f4j, and I commend you for having the balls to come on here and ask the advice of (mainly) mothers. It would be v easy to just let it fester. Have you seen CAB? Do you have records of broken contact/mediation etc? Play it by the book and good luck

I agree with all those saying go to court and see it through. I do sort of understand why you have left it so long. You are in a very tough position and it must be horrible. I think absent fathers get a bad name because of groups like f4j, and I commend you for having the balls to come on here and ask the advice of (mainly) mothers. It would be v easy to just let it fester. Have you seen CAB? Do you have records of broken contact/mediation etc? Play it by the book and good luck

you are all aware that legal aid funding has been cut in Contact Cases, excluding DV cases???

I have just rung my friend, he self repped, he joined families need fathers, and he says they were really helpful, as were the court staff and the judge.

He says to document everything, ask for contact - always in writing/email.
Keep a record of frustrated contact, offer mediation one last time - in writing.

He also the court staff will not provide legal advice, but they will tell you what forms to fill in.

One thing he did say though is court orders arent a magic cure, that his ex often blocks contatc regardless, but that he has more contact than he would have before, and the one thing he would do differently if he had his time again, was to go back to court the minute the order was ignored.