Bedtimes...11 years and 8years

[vikingmaid]

After another battle of wills and ignoring the 'Fred' can stay up until 4 in the morning! I wonder what is reasonable. Schoolo night they both go at 8pm and the 11 year old can read until 9pm. But Friday and Saturday are more difficult. So far the 8 year old must go at 9pm, but 11 year old wants 10pm. how do you deal with this?

Yup, battles galore here too. Both are in bed by 8.30 on school nights, but DD, the 8yo, is usually awake for at least an hour, reading or listening to books. DS, 11, is often still awake when I go to bed about 10.30. He says he needs the radio to get to sleep, and gets stroppy when I point out that it's clearly not helping him sleep!

Weekends are pretty much the same as I am not inclined to let them stay up when they haven't had enough sleep in the week imo. Feel like bad parent tbh as maybe I should be upstairs checking more, but would checking make any difference and, more to the point, that time is my sanity time and I need a drink

Whatever you do you need to treat them differently and give the 11yr old an hour when he is up and the sibling is in bed.
We had to do different bedtimes when they were very young and only 20months apart.

12 and 8 here. Go up at 8:30 most nights. 12 year old can read a bit longer in theory. But in practice 8 year old usually ends up falling asleep later.

I turn into a pumpkin a 9pm. I dread the day when they start staying up past then.

I'm surprised that you are treating DCs 4 yrs apart the same. Don't you remember how important bed times are to DCs? I had 2 younger brothers and it was very important to me, at 12yrs, that the youngest one went first-then the next and I went last.
Mine are 20 months apart and we had a joint bedtime, it was so much easier. However once the eldest got to about 5yrs it was important to him to have the extra time. It was only half an hour but improved things no end.(although not as convenient to me).

Mine are 10 and 8, they go to bed at around 7pm unless they have clubs that finish later. TBH the 8yo could probably stay up later, but the 10yo really needs the sleep, and they both get up at about 6am naturally.
Those with late DC bedtimes, when do you spend time as a couple?

I would love them to go to bed at 7pm until they leave home! Unfortunately, inmysparetime, as teenagers they end up all evening-and often later than you.
(Does no one remember how important bedtimes were to you as a DC? I am surprised that people just have the same one for DCs and expect the elder to not make a fuss.)

Me and my DSis had the same bedtime (18 month gap), I remember us being allowed to stay up until 9pm when I was 12yo, but most nights I couldn't be bothered to stay up that late but I did get up at 5.30am so had to get sleep somehow
Bedtimes were never an age thing in my family, nor are they for my DCs. They are tired at 7/8pm, so they go to bed.
Sometimes they read for a bit, but mostly they go to sleep.

Dd (10.5) goes to bed at 8pm in the week, Fridays about 9/9.30 and its between 10/10.30 on a Saturday night cause thats when the programme we watch finishes. Have 2 DS's - age 7 and 5 & they both go to bed between 7 & 8 in the week and probably the same at the weekend. Would love to offer ds1 the chance to stay up longer but he is exhausted by then. anytime he stays up later he falls asleep on the couch & he's way to big now to lift into bed.

What happens if you do let them stay up?
DC 7-10-12 all go to bed about 9-10pm on weekend nights. I let them read until they turn the lights out. They are up early anyway. It works for us.
Yes I go to bed earlier than them most nights.

DS had a week of late nights when he did gang show in half term with scouts (10-10.30pm at least).
He was exhausted, tearful, unable to concentrate and very unhappy for that week and half a week following, then back to his usual sunny self when proper bedtimes resumed.
Some DCs don't want to stay up late, some do, it depends on individual temperament and family circumstances.
I don't get how DCs who get up at 8am still make it to school fed and dressed, we could never manage that, but horses for courses...

Agree they should have different bedtimes.

My two are three years apart and at that age DD1 was going to bed at 9 and DD2 at 8.

I found that hour with DD1 really important, it gave us time to chat about anything without her little sister being there.

It was always a great bargining tool. As she was being treated more grown up, she was expected to act a bit more grown up that DD2.

By the time DD2 was 11 they had the same bedtimes.

bargaining

dd (8) - in bed for 8.15pm school nights and 9pm at the weekend
ds (5) - in bed for 7.45pm school nights and 8.30pm at weekends

I would let your 11 year old stay up a bit later than your 8 year old. No need for them to have the same bedtime

You need to give them different bedtimes.

DS1 (15) on a school night usually goes around 10.15.
DS2 (12) on a school night, he has just been extended to 9.15.

On weekend, DS1 maybe goes about 11.30 and DS2 10.30. We are not overly strict with weekends though.

I would go for 7.30 and 8.00pm. DD (14) goes at 9 on school nights and is allowed til 9.30 on weekends (but reading in her room not downstairs with us).

When dd was 11, lots of her friends went at 7.30, some a bit later - a couple up til 8.30.

They are a great bargaining tool!

I think that they are important to a DC. I was miffed that my mother was far more lax about bedtimes for my younger brother but I can see her point 'once you have one up, you might as well have them all up'.

I am convinced that those with problems would find they disappeared if they treated them differently.(If you don't have problems then it doesn't matter).

I see your point in principle Exotics, but not sure how it would work in practice.

The hour after I've called bedtime is spent cajoling DS2 to brush his teeth, PJs, story and then endless running up and downstairs to answer one more question tell him to stfu etc... so it wouldn't really be quality time for DS1 and us. More likely he'd be in the living room watching Frends re-runs on his own.

I'd rather they go to bed at the same time but DS1 can read, Facebook, listen to music whatever. It is a privilege (in my eyes) but not the kind that is really valued in his because it doesn't cause his brother huge resentment ( as the staying up option would).

My DS1 (10.3yo) and DS2 (7.9yo) go to bed at the same time - 8.30 on school nights, 9.00 at weekends, they are then allowed to read for about half an hour. DS3 (3.4yo) goes to bed at 7.30, with stories until 8.00.
This workable us and the older two don't seem to mind going to bed at the same time. I understand what some posters have said about letting the elder stay up longer, but it's DS2 that seems to need less sleep and is up at 6.30 in the morning, whilst I'm trying to rouse DS1 at 7.30am!

I don't do the endless running up and downstairs and other time extending activities-I scotched that one very young-helped by different bedtimes. Once it is bed time they stay there-end of.

Thats the thing though i think knowing his brother is downstairs having all kinds of unimaginable fun would only extend DS2's difficulty in getting to sleep (SN) And then if he hadnt fallen asleep in the extra time he would have the extra distraction of DS1 clumping around the landing with his size 7 feet and his teenager's oblivion to all around him.

Plus i think its fair enough to say that by nine o-clock i would like to be watching an 18 movie and drinking a glass of wine, and DS1can amuse himself quietly in his room (we do occaisionally let him sneak back down to watch golf with DH or a movie DS2 cant watch.

We are the same as exotic, no running up and down - just don't allow it - although to be fair mine are older now so a little different, but when they were smaller it just didn't get to happen.

Himalaya Every child is different and I can imagine trying to explain DS1 getting longer downstairs would not be easy in your situation

When I say running up and down BTW I mean me (or DH) running up and down not the other way round . I agree once in bed you stay in bed.

I agree every child and household is different - there is no magic formula for this - which is what I tell DSs when they argue that ""Fred is allowed to xyz..." (in our house this argument is more about staying out late at the mo)

When mine used lines like that Himalaya I usually say "well go and live with Fred then"

They never have, yet!!

Mine are 9 and 11 and have always had the same bedtime - still do. They both need a lot of sleep and are horrible when they don't get enough. They go up at 7.30, brush teeth, I read to them, then they are allowed to read until 8.15, when it's lights out. No extensions on weekends unless there is a special event of an evening, but they do sleep longer on weekend mornings to compensate for having to be up at 6am on weekdays.

If their sleep requirements start to differ we will revisit the situation, but right now they both need their 10 hours at least. We're lucky in that they both know it and understand the consequences of not sleeping enough, they're very mature. They don't play the 'So and So gets to stay up till 4am' card because all their peers have similar bedtimes - and the ones with late bedtimes are very much not their friends, for a variety of reasons. Will wait and see what happens when teenagerhood starts, though.