When your child asks you not to die

[gypsymummy]

Yesterday out of the blue DS1 who is 6 said" Mummy I love you so much please don't die"..I reassured him and gave him a big hug but I could not stop thinking about this all day yesterday and in fact I am still thinking about what he said today. What triggers such questions ( no deaths in the family or amongst friends ) and what would be the right way to tackle it? Would love to hear from you all.

Small children are very self-centred and 'in the moment'. The future is not on their radar, the past is another country, life is fixed, revolves around them and is permanent and unchanging. Then they grow, mature, and learn that there's a lot more to it and that it can change quite easily. Whether it's prompted by school discussions (history, personal development), news reports, friends, books... they get the idea that things have not always been the same, lives can change and that people die.

Of course, the worst change a child could imagine is if you weren't there any more. So 'please don't die' is just a way of seeking reassurance and expressing love rather than a genuine fear. My answer is 'everyone dies but I'm not planning to do so for a very long time'... and then change the subject. :)

DD was very morbid in an oddly gleeful way at that age. We promised each other at one stage that we were going to never stop breathing and were going to live forever and rule the world. I think in her case it was prompted by the fact that I used to go and tend FILs grave when MIL couldn't make it (she was putting fresh flowers on every week at that stage) so she was aware of death although I don't think she really understood it.

I tend to be very honest and factual but yet end on a positive note with a bit of propaganda thrown in. So the conversation usually goes along the lines of...

Everyone has to die one day. Most people die when they are very old and their body gets too old and tired to keep going. Some people have bad accidents or are too sick so even though the doctors try their hardest some people still die. Most people who get sick or in accidents the doctors can help and they will get better (insert positive friend or family anecdote). I then ask the kids how they think we can do our best to stay alive for as long as possible. This is the propaganda bit where we discuss not smoking, not drinking too much alcohol, driving safely in the car, crossing the road carefully, eating fruit and veg with vitamins and minerals etc etc.

I did what Cogito and Sneaky did- but without Sneaky's propaganda bit; I didn't want dcs to think that those people we knew who had died before their time had brought it on themselves. There was no evidence of that and the consequences could have been horrendous if they had accidentally let slip their opinion that X's mum must have died because she wasn't looking after herself properly like my mummy told me.

Also, both dcs have chronic conditions (though thankfully not fatal); I would hate for them to think it is somehow their fault.

I love your propaganda, sneaky
will borrow that in future

I tend to just go for a very breezy "well I'm not planning to do that for a VERY long time, now, what do you want for dinner..."

cory I would certainly not like my kids to get the idea that sick people had brought it on themselves, it is tricky to get the complexity of the conversation with my 5 year old in a succinct way here.

They do know that, for example, when babies grow inside Mummies that sometimes not everything grows in the right way eg DD2's dislocated hips. And that sometimes things just go wrong for no reason eg my pulmonary embolism. But I also think it does no harm to let them know the dangers of say smoking - they know Granddad died because he smoked too many cigarettes.

But I take the view that it is better to say 'I'll try my best to be here with you' rather than 'of course I'll not die'. And thinking of ways to stay healthy is perhaps a good way to lighten the mood and change the topic a bit?

Thanks ladies! Well, DS1 brought the topic up again while I was tucking him into bed last night. He first asked: who will be my mummy when you die? Who will take care of me ? I explained I was going to be with him for a long time and that although everyone must die I was not going to die yet and will try my best to be there even when he was a very old man which made him giggle ( relief) he then went on to ask about my late father whom he never got to know ( he's seen pictures of him and all). He asked me if I missed him, if I was upset when he died. He wanted to know why he died and so i borrowed the words of SneakyBiscuitEater about him getting old and tired and all.. he then said: I will be very sad when you die. ( God how my heart sank at this but I was very composed) and I reassured him again without actually promising something I am not sure of myself! he seemed ok and drifted off to sleep. These moments are so special and so poignant and so pull at my heart. I do agree linking death with unhealthy habits can be tricky as children have this way of assessing things in their own simplistic way.

My ds went through this stage too (although my dd never did). I said that I wasn't planning on going anywhere until I was 105.

Six months later he was less stressed about the concept and that's when I went through the 'well, unfortunately, sometimes the doctors can't do anything' but he accepted that easily.

I remember all too well the "Mummy, you won't ever ever leave me, promise!" conversations though.

i wonder SconeInSixtySeconds if boys dwell on this than girls? Would be interesting to know!

i meant more than girls obviously!

I remember my first experience of someone in the family dying. I was about five and my brother three. We didn't go to the funeral but went to the cemetery to lay flowers later on. My DM gently explained the concept of death & was worried how we'd react but, a few hours later back home, she found my brother laid out on the carpet with his eyes shut while I knelt by his side. Asked what we were doing and apparently the cheery answer came back that we were 'playing graves!!' I also remember having a very unemotional conversation a few years later about who we would miss most if they died, mum or dad. I think the popular vote went for dad but we never let on...

I think it's just that some children do and some children don't gypsymummy. DD1 never really did, aside from a couple of comments, but it's quite a big thing for DD2.

My DS2 does this a lot because his sister died. He also has ASD so he tends to fixate.

I just have to cope with it when it comes up. I tell him that everyone dies but it is unusual for people to die when they are very young. I tell him I know he thinks me and Daddy are old but we are not really.

Then I hug him and tell him I love him.

Not much else I can do really. He knows people die. He knows how it devastates a family. He is also adopted so he has real issues about abandoment (percieved/real/unavoidable/deliberate).

Poor little lad. I do worry about him.

Yes seems so..maybe some children react differently to change and to the concept of loss. You know, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when he asked: who will cook for us if you die? Funny how I am rated:)

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere I do so feel for your little one having to deal with death at such a personal level. Death is difficult for us to make sense of sometimes let alone those little minds. HAve you trid asking him to draw his feelings? Would that maybe give you insight into what he is "seeing" in his head?

I think it's interesting how children process the idea of mortality. DD is 4 and has been v interested for a while in the idea of death. She talks about Christian concepts of the afterlife (school is CofE) and I've told her about other ideas such as reincarnation (interesting discussion about who was the cat before he was a cat). She is currently very interested in the Titanic which has opened up the discussion again. She's moved past worry about the mortality of her family and onto a rather surprising and unshakeable faith in what she thinks death is. She's strangely erudite about it all, says it's a beginning and not an end (we are not Christians btw, this has all come from her). So much so that she tripped home from school the other day with a massive and rather beautiful painting of herself in a field of flowers, proclaiming very loudly to anybody who would listen that 'it's for mummy's gravestone when she gets old and dies so that she can take the memory of me with her'. Quite.

Its complicated gypsy because of his ASD and LDs. Its an ongoing process. He is nearly 9. His sister died nearly 6 years ago.
He still comes out with very suprising things. Stuff that we thought we had gotten straightend out years ago.

He loves to draw and he is very good. I have a picture he drew of 'our old family'.

It includes his sister.

ShowOfHands she sounds like a very confident child :)

Mine (4) did this today. Sobbed his heart out saying please don't die and Daddy too because there will be no one to look after me. Quite accurate on that count. I just said we wouldn't, I promised, until we were at least 100 which was so far away that he would be a dad with a limp by then. Which he found somewhat amusing. Phew.

DD went through same thing and made same promise. Seemed to get her through the phase and now, at 9, she doesn't seem to give it a moment's thought.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere seems to me like he is treasuring the memories of a sister long gone . As he was only 3 when she passed away it is really poignant...Perhaps we tend to associate a child's way of grieving with our own? In addition you allude to the fact his ADS and LDS tend to give more depth or intensity perhaps to this situation? Alos, could he be reacting to you and his father's grief which he may have focused on more at that time? Please don't feel obliged to answer me on the last bit as I understand this is a very private matter.

treadwarily it is a tough one to have to make a promise you are not sure youre gonna stick to! But alas, children want and need reassurance and can not ratioanlise as we would want them to!

"Death is difficult for us to make sense of sometimes let alone those little minds"

I think children are better equipped than us, ironically. They tend to see things simply in black and white, often calibrated by practical concerns (who will cook, etc), and, although sad, they are rarely sentimental or mawkish. Adults are the ones sobbing at movies or news reports of people we've never met. We understand the bigger picture and get consumed with the tragedy of what might have been, the people left behind & memories of those we've lost.

CogitoErgoSometimes ..You know what you are absolutely spot on. Maybe we project our own feelings and anxieties onto children.

yes gypsymummy of course it is a meaningless promise because we may, bizarrely, both die tomorrow and he would be alone. But, being a gambler, I've decided my promise is more useful to him than the horrible truth, that can wait until he is bigger.