Still feel like I am going crazy . . .

[PooPooInMyToes]

Continuuing on from this thread...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1416699-I-feel-like-I-am-going-crazy?msgid=30335363

The behaviour this week has just been awful! A couple of days ago they had dressing up at school for Book Week. We didn't realise until the day before so that night we got out all the fancy dress, wittled it down to what could be said to be a book character, took out all the stuff that was too small etc and ended up with 2 different outfits plus a few generic princesses which she could get away with.

None were good enough. We acted really enthisiatic about 1 and thought maybe the enthusiatism would rub off, it didn't. Tried another one, same happened. In the end just said she had to chose one. By the next morning she still hadn't chosen and just sat in her room with a sulky face repeating that she wanted to be certain costume which we didn't have, isn't a book character and couldn't make out of what she has. In the end she was told that if she wasn't dressed by when we had to leave I would take her down the road to school naked.

Eventually she did get dressed but I had to enlist my DHs help and he really needed to get to work. I felt that I was just going to flip at her.

She had decided what she wanted and nothing else was good enough, even though what she wanted wasn't an option.

Today after school we watched some short stories on DVD. She wanted to chose every story we saw and when I let DD2 chose one she burst into tears and said that she had already chosen which wasn't true. Then she wanted me to fastforward through the bits she didn't like. I explained that her little sister wanted to see those bits even if she didn't. She didn't care. Just wanted what she wanted. She didn't get her own way.

Then it was bath time but she wanted to watch one more story even though the one before wasn't finished, she whined so I just turned it off. In the bath she was fine apart until it was time to get out. We have had such a fuss in the past about who gets out first (DD1 always used to winge and cry "but I always get out first!" which wasn't true) so we got a coin with a dolphin on one side and a flower on the other and we toss the coin to decide who gets out. Today they both wanted to be the same pic but eventually she said she would be the other. Tossed the coin and she lost and had to get out. Lost in her eyes that is, the other one gets out 2 secs later so it's hardly a big deal! So then she burst into tears about how she's always the dolphin or something. FFS!

I suggested that we get a coin to toss to decide who gets to be each side of the dolphin coin to decide who gets out of the bath first! Of course the sarcasm was lost on her.

Then going to bed she asked me if I would give her an extra cuddle in her bed. I told her I would but first I had to sort out DD2 who was sitting on the toilet covered in poo. She was in bed so I told her to stay there and I would be back in a few minutes and shut the door.

I went to see DD2 and needed a wet wipe so popped down stairs. The minute I was at the bottom of the stairs I could hear her out in the hall way shouting "where are you going?" "what are you doing?" "why did you shut my door?"

I came back up and told her firmly to get back into bed. She just kept saying the same things over and over. I explained again about the poo and the wet wipe and she just kept going on about the door being shut. I told her not to come out of her room again.

With her back in her room I went into the bathroom where DD2 was waiting and she came straight back out of her room again saying "why did you shut the door again?"

I lost the fecking plot! I shouted (can't even remember most of what I said) and told her it's none of her business if I close a door or not and that I don't need to explain everything to her. That she doesn't need to question every single thing I do. That I told her to get in bed and how dare she not do what she is told. She burst into tears again.

I put DD2 to bed all rushed (felt sorry for her) and went into DD1 room. I am so upset and disgusted with myself that I went loony at her. I was screaming and shouting that I am sick of her behaviour and that it's been disgusting all week and all she ever thinks about is her, it's all me me me, moan moan moan, whinge whinge whinge. I went on and on and on.

After I had calmed down we had a chat and a cuddle and I tried to explain how some of her behaviours are really not acceptable.

I am so fed up. All week (she does it a hell of a lot anyway but this week has been really bad) she has just been bursting into tears about everything, whining about everything. Complaining, demanding and generally being a nightmare.

I am sitting here crying because I don't know what to do.

She just keeps bursting into tears about everything. I just keep losing the plot and swearing at her.

Anyone help?

Hi Poops, sound like you are getting some good advice and I hope things are going to go in the right direction for you now.

Angel you are right i think . . . that if i am trying to be a better mum then Im not a terrible mum. A friend of mine always says the same, that its the ones who think they are great at it that you have to worry about!

Senses Thanks! Had a good day again today. Generally feeling calmer too. Just need to continue it. Im glad that a few others are getting help from this thread as well.

" someone close to me died just after her birth and I didn't cope at all well."

If it happened very close to her birth, it would have affected you far more than her directly. Indirectly perhaps, if you feel guilty about that early period, it could have exaggerated this fantasy of making home a pleasant, happy, conflict-free place where no-one argues or loses their temper and children are always listened to and never commanded or reprimanded. A noble aim but unrealistic, meaning that you're finding it difficult be in control now that she's older and berate yourself when you can't hit the too-high bar you've set.

The past is not something you can change. What happens today, tomorrow and the next day, you have 100% control over. I'd look forward rather than back.

I was in a state worrying about the person who died the whole time i was pregnant. It affected her physically in that she stopped growing and i had to be induced to get her out of there. I find it hard to believe that this had nothing to do with what an incredibly difficult baby she was. She was so unhappy. Other people used to think there was something wrong with her because of the amount she screamed.

I was full of anger and grief. They say babies pick up on negative moods. My babies whole life was a negative mood.

Can i ask another question of you lovely people?

My daughter is really dragging her feet about getting dressed in the morning. The last two days have been ridiculous. Reminding her over and over!

I know what she wants, she wants me to get her dressed like i do her little sister but i feel it is time for her to take responsibility for this herself.

Yesterday i wasn't sure what to do. Her breakfast was on the table so i pointed out that the longer she took the more soggy it would be. It had no effect. I considered putting her on the naughty step but it would have made us even later possibly. I thought perhaps i should still do it though as i felt she was being difficult about getting dressed for attention and us constantly saying get dressed was giving her that.

Adding it to her sticker chart i felt wouldn't have much impact judging on previous. Some people might suggest making a game out of it but i really don't have the patience for that in the morning!

What do you think though?

Wake her up half an hour earlier than normal, have the clothes laid out, tell her to get washed and dressed, and then leave her to it. Cheerfully announce '15 minutes to breakfast'... '10 minutes'... '5 minutes'... 'breakfast ready'... and, if she doesn't show, carry on without her and say nothing. If she makes it to breakfast fully dressed, big praise. Don't enter into discussion, explanations, threats, cajoling or reminders. Same countdown applies to leaving for school. If she's still in PJs at a very late stage, you may have to take her to school dressed as is with school clothes in a bag.

Yeah you're probably right about getting up earlier so that Im not so stressed and rushed. Will try the count down thing to. Have found it works in other areas. Thanks!

Don't know if anyones suggested it, but can I recommend 'Raising your Spirited Child' by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Its not an, what I would call, 'airy fairy' parenting book. It provides reassurance that sooo many parents with these type of children have been through the exact same feelings as you have. It does provide advice on discipline, and tips to deal with particular spirited 'types' such as persistance, intenseness, sensitivity, perceptiveness and how to work with it.

Her motto is 'we aim for progress not perfection'.

Also, you say its been quite bad this week, is there anything in the family thats not quite right... your DH working more, you and DH not getting on, some sort of stress within the family.

As according to the book in mention, children like your DD are mirrors to the 'mood' of the family... ie. they tend to behave better when everyones happy and vice versa.

Butter. I've often thought of getting that book but was never sure if my daughter was spirited or what.

That's interesting what you say about mirrors. I've not been very well and haven't quite been myself plus have had pmt of the evil variety. Not sure if that's anything to do with it though.