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Original poster

"Ah well that's boys for you" - sweeping gender statements from birth are ^irritating^

47 replies

Miaou · 26/01/2006 20:28

OK so I know there are gender differences between males and females - if there weren't no one would have bought "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

But it really annoys me when people reduce ds to his gender alone! He is only 5 months old fgs, and only just starting to develop his personality. But whenever I say "Oh he loves his food", or "he doesn't sleep so well at night, he likes to feed" or "he loves squealing" I get "well he's a boy, he would wouldn't he!"

And unfortunately I can't say "well actually no my dds did the same" because they didn't! (well not the food and sleep bit anyway). But he is a person, with a personality, not just a boy. Grrr. No wonder gender stereotyping is such a big issue.

OK rant over. Just wanted to get that off my chest

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colditz · 26/01/2006 20:38

Some people like to put boys down. I too get sick of hearing

"Typical boy, doesn't listen!"
"Typical boy, slow to learn/speak/socialise/feed self"
"Typical boy, they are so destructive!"

edam · 26/01/2006 20:42

The amazing thing is the very same people who tell children from the second that they are born that boys do this or that, or that x makes them a typical boy, then claim gender differences are innate! If you've spent the first three or more years of a child's life telling them they are a boy, and exactly what it is boys do, how on earth can you claim that whatever they are doing is just natural and not a reaction to all that training?

crazydazy · 26/01/2006 20:47

I was complaining to my Mum today that DS doesn't join in with singing songs etc at nursery home time to which my aunt piped in and said "thats boys for you". She has 4 boys and 1 girl and truly believes she is an expert on boys.

I think you can generalise with some things and I do believe that DS loves the TV more than his sister because he takes after his Dad and she is more like me and so would prefer to read a book. Surely this is genetic though, not gender?

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Elibean · 26/01/2006 22:24

I've noticed a lot of people responding to a crying baby girl with lots of 'aahh, sweetheart, did that upset you?' (no problem with that) and baby boys with 'no, no, its nothing, whats up with you then'. From BIRTH! Agree with Colditz.

FWIW, my dd loathes sitting in circles singing songs, and would much rather prowl the perimeter of any large space looking for fire-extinguishers to play with. And she loves her food, and squealing.

paolosgirl · 26/01/2006 22:30

I have one of each, and I can honestly say that I've had so many more negative stereotyping comments about DS than I have about DD (and all from women, sadly).

"I couldn't be doing with a boy - so glad I have girls"

"I was in tears at the thought of having a boy"

"My mum and my gran said not to bother coming home from the hospital if I had a boy - luckily I didn't!"

"Boys are so noisy and destructive - it drives me mad"

"How can you cope with having a son - they are a pain in the *rse"

and so on and so on

Lilliput · 26/01/2006 22:32

It starts when you are pregnant, if it's a difficult pregnancy then it's a boy, if it's lovely 'neat' bump then it's a girl!

frogs · 26/01/2006 22:42

I get this despite the fact that my three completely defy gender stereotypes:

dd1 -- can't be fussing with clothes, aims to look as if she's just been pulled from a skip, largely indifferent to pop music, hairstylesor makeup, allergic to anything pink or Barbie, spends her days reading and fiddling about with microscope, batteries and little wiry things which she then leaves all over the floor;

ds -- loves clothes, always notices if I have new clothes or makeup, will spend hours preening in front of the mirror if allowed; also loves reading, very loving and affectionate to all of us, including his baby sister; picky eater; settles arguments verbally rather than physically, and goes off in a sulk if he loses;

dd2 -- tiny, but the loudest of all the children; has already shaken one cot to pieces and is working hard on the next one.

And there's nothing you can do about these stupid comments, since if you object you get the, "Ah well, these modern mothers, think they know it all, they'll soon learn" routine.

notasheep · 26/01/2006 22:46

lilliput-here,here, ds was difficult pregnancy,of course it was a boy and 10 days late oh yes a lazy boy! so do i give him the remote control now!

foundintranslation · 26/01/2006 22:47

dh and I, heavily pg, in Ikea:
Checkout lady: so do you know what it is then?
we: yes - a boy
CL: oh, how wonderful - a son and heir! (to dh) Bet you're really proud, aren't you?
we: [puzzled, taken-aback emoticon]

tribpot · 26/01/2006 23:02

Oh, thank god! Thought it was just me. Having lunch with some friends last week, one with a 6-week-old dd, one childfree. Talking about our other friend who is a single mum, due in April. "Oh well a girl will be better for her, I'm sure it's a girl" HELLO I AM RIGHT HERE.

Also I was questioned as to why my ds was more destructive and lively than a 6-week-old baby (this would be "he is 7 months old".) But I do get this "oh that's boys for you" line, what does that mean?! My ds currently loves:

ceiling lights
wallpaper
curtains
fabrics.

He could be the next Jasper Conran (He also likes destroying things, eating things and simultaneously destroying and eating things)

colditz · 27/01/2006 11:26

On announcing that my second child is also going to be a boy (am pg)

"Oh well, never mind..."

WTF do you mean, never bloody mind?!!!

I prefer boys actually, I wanted another boy! Nobody who actually has boys says stuff like that, it is a particular type of girl-mother. Not a normal one, the sort that buys everything in pink, and won't let their daughter get dirty.

Original poster

Miaou · 27/01/2006 11:33

When I got pg with ds, I got asked loads, are you trying for a boy? And when he was born, I got, "oh, dh must be pleased" - grr.

People can't help commenting on the gender as if it is the most important thing about a child.

OP posts:

cod · 27/01/2006 11:35

Message withdrawn

fisil · 27/01/2006 11:39

I get that too colditz. I was so happy to find out I was having a second boy.

And Miaou, I'm luckier than you. Ds2 does all the things you mention, and because he's 3 months older he is also everywhere and into everything, crawling, pulling himself up etc. etc. When people say that it's because he's a boy I have to question ds1's gender - cos he was never like that! He slept right through from a couple of months, was very calm and placid. An easy baby!

When people say "ah, it's because he's a boy" I say, "no, it's because he's [name] and that's his wonderful personality!"

Original poster

Miaou · 27/01/2006 11:44

cod

I know in the scheme of things it really isn't important! As I said in the title, it is irritating, nothing more.

To be fair, we also get "Oh your dds are so good, it's because they are girls" (said by my parents and db in relation to his "challenging" boys) - er no, it's because of the way they are brought up actually.

But children are people in their own right, and yes I do believe there are gender differences, but not that everything they do is down to what's in their nappy.

OP posts:

cod · 27/01/2006 11:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Miaou · 27/01/2006 11:50

Ah you see as a parent of both boys and girls I can't possibly agree with you [cod]

OP posts:

Original poster

Miaou · 27/01/2006 12:04

[cod]???? That was meant to be a

Don't think cod has her own emoticon yet

Actually that would have to be an "emoticod" hehehehe

OP posts:

RedZuleika · 28/01/2006 14:11

Just seen this thread.

I got the 'neat bump / must be a girl' thing from my mother when I was pregnant.

She subsequently went on to say that DD was obviously considering how she had my husband round her little finger when she saw a photograph of her in his arms (she was two days old ffs!).

Later, when DD smiled at my father and not her, she called her a floozy - which I just think is a bit distasteful.

muppety · 28/01/2006 15:58

I have had so many negative comments. I went back to work in December and not one person congratulated me. Literally I had comments like 'oh you must have another then'. 'Every woman needs a daughter' etc etc.I have nothing against girls. Would have loved a daughter. But could not have loved them more than my boys.

I don't think I am over sensitive at all but girls are the fashionable accessory. Lots of ppeople round here say things like 'I've got my girl now so the sex doesn't matter next time'.

Actully I would like another but would be so fed up with the comments through pregnancy and afterwards whatever the sex.

That said my ds1 is defainetly a stereotypcial boy and I don't take offence to comments along those lines.

Gemmitygem · 15/02/2006 05:42

just to add my two pennorth!

I find the whole idea of forcing the baby to be ultra male or ultra female right from the start is so scary! Whether it's stereotypes about boys being naughty and girls 'easy' or babies being cooed at for girls and 'roughed up' for boys, or dressing in pink and blue etc. So what if a boy wears pink!
I'm preg with my first, and hate to think the poor child will be categorised so strongly right from the start. Of course the sexes have differences but why do we try to condition kids to emphasise it? I think it actually is an important issue as the kid is learning from everything around them and soaks up their first ideas of what boys and girls 'should be', and that will influence them for their whole life! Don't want to limit and condition them so early on! Panic! Grrr! Rant over!

Enid · 15/02/2006 08:34

am dreading those comments if I have a boy

already I have 'oh you won't know whats hit you' (people thinking how a boy is going to be a great big shock after two girls)

Everyone does it on here as well (mainly about boys) eg boys 'say those kind of things' etc etc

I agree, irritating

lockets · 15/02/2006 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Enid · 15/02/2006 08:51

yes

'oh I'd love a girl, sitting at the table doing beads' seems to be a big one

I wish

SorenLorensen · 15/02/2006 08:55

One of my own personal bugbears is the saying "oh, boys will be boys" - usually offered as justification for some 'orrible little tyke knocking seven bells out of another one. I have two boys - they are completely different, personality-wise, and neither of them is into random aggression. "Boys will be boys" seems to me a euphemism for "I'm bone idle and can't be bothered doing anything about his behaviour."

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