Can't get colleagues comment out of my mind

[Maccapaccawacca]

I've just returned to work after 14 months mat leave.

Was having the normal 'catch up' chat with an older colleague. Was explaining that DS was with CM 2 afternoons a week to enable me to go back to work. She said "oh, you are brave, I couldn't have beared to leave my children with anyone when they were so small". I mumbled something about not having a lot of choice and then had to get on with some work.

This comment is playing on my mind. I HATE HATE HATE leaving DS but I have to work at least part-time. I haven't got family close by. Its making me feel extra guilty about leaving him. I feel the inference was that I obviously don't love him as much as she loved her children becuase I can (just) bear to leave him.

Grumble, moan

Ignore her. Some people.... Not everyone is able to stay at home and look after their baby for x months or years or whatever. Good for her that she could afford it, some of us had to go back to work. It's an incredibly insensitive thing to say, but it doesn't surprise me at all .

Hope the return to work has gone OK apart from her.

Sorry to read you're feeling this way.

Your view of what she meant is biased by how you feel and because she's talking about your actions.

As an outsider who doesn't know either you or her my view is that she is saying that she couldn't have done that with her DC, not that you are wrong for choosing to do so or for having to do so.

Also, I'm guessing that if it came down to it and she needed to get back to work for money or to keep her job she would have done it.

Nurseries and childminders take children from around 6 weeks old for a reason - because many parents need to get back to work.

You're leaving your DC with a caring person for a small part of the week, you aren't leaving them alone in the house or with an unsuitable carer. Please try not to worry!

Ignore her, silly woman! its good for a child to be in a different environment with other children etc.

It was my first day back today , although it only lasted 3 hours as dd started vomiting everywhere (never been ill apart from sniffles) (10 months).

I had got so upset about leaving her, but I figured even if I could afford not to work I would still want her to go somewhere for a couple of afternoons a week to interact with other children. My dd will be going to a nursery 2 pms a week from next week now though.

Ignore her, you are doing the best for your child by being responsible and working hard to provide for her.

How old is your DS?

Oh and from a different experience: I took 11 months off, went back for 5 months and then quit altogether. DH earns a good salary and basically we were down money having to pay nursery fees so I decided to be a SAHM.

I have experienced friends who work and also complete strangers making dopey comments about "sitting on my arse all day" and "making DC clingy".

People in general need to keep their noses out.

Rant away, OP! You're in good company on MN :)

Natzer, I hope your DD is feeling better now (and that she passes nothing your way!). DS is 13 months. He has barely had any time away from me (I can count the hours away from me on one hand in his first yr)...but it still makes me feel guilty about leaving him.
My head says he's happy with CM and they go out and about and do great stuff but my heart can't bear it.

Your colleague is an arse with the tact of a brick.

My children have both been in childcare since they were 8 and 10 months old, I genuinely think they have flourished as a result. I don't say this as some kind of bullshit I tell myself when trying to deal with residual guilt about returning to work (I say residual because I also have to work for financial reasons, no choice - but not sure I would do it differently if I did have a choice). When I compare my children to others of similar age I do feel the level of socialising they've done as a result of being in childcare has benefitted them.

It's good for kids to socialise! Your colleague is an idiot. You should just smile and nod politely, after all you're the one with a great work life balance and a well adjusted child.

I don't think you should take it the wrong way. She described you as 'brave'... which is accurate and quite complimentary.

She felt then how you feel now. It's just that she was able to stay home with her baby and you have to work part time.If you don't have to go back to work it's so easy to say you just couldn't leave the baby. I think she was trying to sympathise with you but it came out wrong.

I think you are taking this the wrong way. She was making conversation and saying that you are brave to be able to leave your ds. She wasn't saying you are a terrible mother and she wasn't criticizing you, you are only interpretating it that way. The only inference is coming from you. If you are happy with the choices you have made, what she did shouldn't matter to you.

I frequently drive across northern Europe for my job. Friends often tell me I'm 'brave' for driving on the wrong side of the road, usually following up with 'I don't know how you do it' or 'I couldn't do it myself'. I don't think they're telling me I'm irresponsible....

Oh I had just the same when I went back after dd2-first day back fgs! How is that supposed to help? If you were feeling okay, then you now feel bad for being the ice mother who can leave their children. If you weren't it reminds you of how awful you're feeling leaving! Mine came from the most ironic source possible-but I can't tell the whole story for fear of identification! Really sorry you have insensitive person like that around.

Hopefully your colleague was just being a bit tactless and not doing that 'I'm clearly a better mum than you' thing that some mums (sadly) do. Even if she was being mean, ignore her! You had to go back to work and you've done so. She shouldn't be coming over all judgey about it and it's possible she wasn't trying to be anyway.

I'd try to put it out of my mind if I were you :)

You poor thing, what an awful insensitive thing for her to say. Unfortunately I think many of the older generation fail to grasp that young families today NEED two incomes.

Feeling for you here OP. I like many others on here have been the butt of these sort of senseless remarks for years including from family ( "if you can't look after your own children you shouldn't have them " "trouble with people today is its just greed wanting all that money from two salaries etc" er actually know it's called not having your house re-possessed because you can't pay the mortgage)

Now of course that DH has done very well in his career and for a variety of other reasons I currently only work part-time from home ( which is clearly not a real job.... see other thread on here recently) I am "a lazy arse" and need to get a proper job and not let my poor DH have to do all that work just to fund me... ggrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Incidentally DD ( now 16) was in full time childcare from 3 months until she was 2.5 and is a straight A student, very independent, reading age of 12 when she was 6. DS(now 14) who was mostly at home until he started pre-school at 3.5 is much less confident, finds school hard and will only read anything if it is the manual to an Xbox game. So all kids are different and won't suffer from whatever you choose if you are happy with your choices.

Only you know what you have to do to keep your family together and everyone else should just butt right out. Don't allow yourself to justify your decisions to anyone! Hope your second day is less annoying.

It sounded like your colleague was being tactless rather than critical, but not surprisingly it's hit a raw nerve as very few of us feel entirely happy about leaving our child with someone else when we have to go out and work.

One thing worth remembering is that babies and small children have throughout history been cared for by people other than their mothers/fathers while the parents are out earning money. In the past, it was often members of the extended family that filled in when the parents had to work out of the home - nowadays, childminders and nursery staff take over that role, but there's no reason why a caring bond formed with a childminder etc. shouldn't be just as good for the child as one formed with a grandparent/older sibling/aunt etc. as in days gone by.

And it doesn't really matter what choice we make when it comes to caring for our children, we always get it in the neck, one way or another.

As a SAHM who formerly had a rather good career as a lawyer, I feel it from the other side! "Oh, you're not going back to work", I can hear them thinking "what a waste".

And I would like to politely point out that just becuase DS isn't in daycare, he does socialise with other children - we see friends with children probably 4 days a week.

We can't win - women just seem to like criticising other womens' choices.

I went back to work full-time when my son was 12 weeks old. I left him with someone else (my mother, MIL and a nanny) for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. I got lots of comments. I just ignore them. I still get comments and know that I am in a job I love, building my career and still spend time with my child.

Oh and you should have seen the reactions of people when I recently went over seas twice for work trips leaving my son alone (he is now 15 months) with his father and his two grandmothers. Good god you would have thought ! left him home alone!

No one ever ever asks men how they cope or how they leave their children. The double standard just infuriates me.

We can't win - women just seem to like criticising other womens' choices.

I think most of us worry that we've made the "wrong" choice for the well-being of our child, so the classic thing is to reinforce our own choice by denigrating those made by others. And people who have no children (having been one for most of my adult life!!) can't truly understand how torn you can be as a parent or why you've made the choice you have.
I don't think it's just women who criticise either - you'll find plenty of men who do so too (just read the papers on an average day!)

No one ever ever asks men how they cope or how they leave their children. The double standard just infuriates me.

Yep. Couldn't agree more.

FWIW I'm a SAHM by choice (and DH would have been content to be SAHD if required) but I don't think WOHMs should be criticised, whether they have chosen to return to the workplace or because financially, they don't have much say in the matter. Each family should do what they need/prefer to do IMO.

Ignore her! I live in a country where standard maternity leave is 15 weeks (Belgium). I went back to work when DS was 5 months and my Mum thought I was insane. But, I enjoyed getting the balance back in my life and DS has absolutely loved being in creche. My husband stayed home 1 day a week until DS was 20 months old and everyone thought he was a saint!

Seriously, how you organise your child care and working (or not) is your choice and your choice alone. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for the choices you take.

Sounds like a very similar conversation that was had in my office yesterday with a new colleague (first day back at work!) except it was more from an empathising perspective. Three of us have DCs around 15 mo - including the new colleague. I work FT and came back when DS was 9 mo, a colleague works 30 hours and the new colleague will be working FT too, so we were trying to reassure her as i'm sure she was finding her first day tough - not only in a new job but obviously missing her DS.

There are lots of people in the same position OP and as someone else has said, even when the boot is on the other foot (SAHM) you get made to feel like you've made the wrong choice. Parenting is full of guilt, yet the world is full of many happy, well adjusted people, none of whom will have had the same upbringing or circumstances. Fwiw i don't think your colleague meant anything by it - you're probably just feeling a little sensitive, which is completely understandable.

A really genuine thank you to all for making me feel a whole lot 'braver'.. I think they must take out the placenta at birth and shove some guilt in that never goes away, no mater what you do

It's funny isn't it too how people will look at the surface of your life and judge the core? I have largely been a sahm since dd born 61/2 years ago, having had times when i do up to two days work per week as a teacher. People have assumed its because we had fertility treatment , because my mum did (she had bipolar disorder and two nervous breakdowns), because I don't approve of wohm, all sorts. The truth? Partly because I couldn't get the hours at work I wanted, partly because it was very difficult to get childcare to cover my hours, dh's work and my commute. Partly because I want to-but I constantly want to be a more enthusiastic sahm because I find it really hard to stay motivated. Partly because I've suffered badly with stress in the past (time off work) and worry that I'll struggle with non flexible work. Partly because we can manage financially without my wage. And partly because going back to full time work in the job I did before nearly finished me off and I carry a lot of guilt about how I treated my family at that time. There's no one simple answer and I wish I was either one of those who seem to relish and adore being a sahm or those who seem to balance brilliantly working and children. But then I'd only be seeing their surface too. And the conversational comments people make about it all are only on their surface too. I'm muddling along doing the best I can. I guess most are too. And most kids turn out fine, neither despite or because of their childcare arrangements when they were small.

Ignore her.
Your child will thrive.
You will earn the money to help give her a good life
You will cherish (almost) every minute you have together.

It is the hardest thing ever, leaving your child with someone else, but you are doing it FOR her. As long as she knows she is lived, she will be fine.