I think I made a mistake becoming a mother

[naturelover]

I do not feel cut out for this. I'm a SAHM who cannot afford to work because I have two DCs. But I'm starting to realise that I hate being at home with young children, I am bored, fed up and feel trapped, with no light at the end of the tunnel until both children are at school - nearly 3 years away!
I don't think I actually like young children. I love my two, of course, and I made the decision to be a SAHM because I wanted to be there for them when they were small, and comfort them, nurture them, because DH and I both thought it was best for our family. DH has much greater earning capacity than I ever did, and he works long hours and travels a lot. I'm sure this is part of the difficulty for me, especially when I am nearly a lone parent Mon-Fri.
Youngest DC is having lots of tantrums, probably contributing to my feelings now. I know I need to engage with my children more to get the best of them, but I find myself hiding in the loo for 10 mins from time to time to just have a few precious minutes to myself. I blame my mood for their bad behaviour, as I know that when I engage with them properly they respond well. But I'm so bloody tired of it, trying to second-guess what will cause one of them to melt down, doing stuff to entertain them that actually bores me stupid. Going out involves such a battle getting them both dressed etc, it almost puts me off leaving the house but of course it's for my sanity and theirs that we go out and see people.
Eldest DC starts reception in Sept but is really ready now (Autumn-born, quite advanced for her age). She goes to nursery 15 hours/week. Can't really afford any more childcare unless I work and even then, the logistics of it are off-putting and I might not even break even financially.
Am I being melodramatic to sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and not have children? Or do others feel this way?

I have often joked with my friends that it would be fabulous to have a parallel, childfree life going on which you could occupy for a couple of days to recharge your batteries before heading back to the fray. Doesn't mean we don't love our dc, just sometimes we could do with a breather.

It's hard, relentless and exhausting when you have such young children and I do understand where you're coming from - I had three under 4 and felt many times like my head would explode. However trite it sounds, it DOES get easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel as your eldest will be at school soon. Hang in there.

Not melodramatic. Sound normal - I have been known to hide in the loo too and mine are 6 and 8. Sorry, not helping at all, am I? Know what you mean about trying to second-guess what will cause melt-down though. That is exhausting. Sorry I haven't got any advice except that there will be more good days than bad days as they grow up. (Though nobody mention teenagers please.)

Oh God teenagers - I shall retreat to my parallel universe on a permanent basis when that stage comes round.

I know how you feel. I have days like that, when I think that if I could turn back the clock, I'd make a different decision. For me, it's worse in winter because it's harder to get out and let the DCs run around.

When I'm feeling really down, I look back to before I had my DDs, I was desperate to have children and I know that my life would have felt empty without them. It's not exactly how I imagined it would be and I dream about having just a few days to myself, with no housework, no kids, not even my DH- just time to myself to lie in until noon if I want... But then I'd want to see my DDs again, and I can just imagine my 3 year old rushing up to give me a hug and tell me her news. If I imagine day after day, year after year without my family, well, it just sounds rather bleak and meaningless really.

Are there any specific issues that you could try to tackle one at a time to make your life easier- you say getting them both dressed is a pain, can you think of ways to speed that up or make it less of a battle? If it's exhausting entertaining them, can you get them involved in something that interests you- cooking or gardeing or art or whatever- so that it seems more enjoyable and less of an effort? Or find a way to get more time for yourself so that the SAHM role feels less overwhelming?

You are not alone. I have 2 small DCs' are it is hard and exhausting. Thankfully I work 3 days a week, so it's not too bad anymore.I would love to have some time to myself though.
Makes me think, what the hell was I doing with my time before I had kids??!

Do you go to any local groups, or have friends who have children of similar ages that you can go and have coffee with and a spot of grown-up conversation?

Can your DH take them both on a regular basis at the weekend to allow you some time to yourself? A haircut, lunch with a friend, mooch round town?

Once the older one starts school, looking after one will seem like a doddle!

Get your mitts on a copy of "The Fish Finger Years" by Fiona Gibson, bloody hilarious.

Think about Octomum with her brood. One or two children can drive you craze but 14. I think she has been hiding from them too. I wonder where is her loo.

Just wanted to add that you should not regret having kids. It is not their fault they were born. My kids also drive me mad but I still love them and would not change it. Sometimes, I think when they really get me it could also my fault as I need to show them their place. I am sometimes just too soft. It gives me frustration.
I think you feel like that because you are a bit lonely. Your husband is always away. I hope he helps you with children when he is around.

Thanks everyone for your support.
DH does help with the children and I do occasionally get a couple of hours to myself at the weekend.
I do get out a lot and see other parents with young children, but at the end of the day even a playgroup only fills 2-3 hours of the 12-hour day alone with the children (neither of whom nap any more).
Have any of you gone from being a SAHM to working just to get your own identity again?
It doesn't help that DH's hours mean I can't exercise or have hobbies Mon-Fri because by the time he's home everything is shut.
I do manage to get out for an evening once or twice a month.
I know it's not forever and of course I adore my children. It's just a bit relentless and I feel like I have no freedom/time to myself/identity.
And don't get me started on the boredom of doing all the chores every day, it's mind-numbing.

I had this problem when my daughter was young. As I've got older I've realised that my personality needs a lot of "quiet" and introspective time. The constant and intense neediness of small children (much as you love them) can do your head in.

As for solutions now: perhaps if you feel this is you, then why not take a job (even if it doesn't break even). It might be more about retaining your sanity - and good child care is better than an unhappy mother.

Do child swaps, you look after someone else kids for an afternoon and they reciprocate - you get a child free couple of hours

If you don't mind housework, gardening, decorating, sewing - barter/swap hours for child care.

Accept that you NEED time away from the children and work out how to achieve it. It will improve so much as the get older and go to school. By the time they are teenagers and don't want to talk to you - you will only feel grateful.

Could you find more adult-based activities to do with kids? I do an arts club where I do art and kids do too but looked after by the lady in charge (at the bottom of the garden). I get real coffee and occasional wine too.

What sort of things do you enjoy? Could the kids tag along with you rather than you with them? Would they enjoy lunch at pizza express or a posh coffee bar rather than a sticky kids place. I make a point of going somewhere 'nice' for cake once a week as I like to. Art galleries too or bring a magazine/book along to a big park.

Gym with a crèche is an obvious one too.

Naturelover - hats off to you for being so honest! I feel like this a lot but I don't admit it. I know you don't regret having children, but I do think that for many of us without a big family type support network - it is exhausting, relentless and mindnumbing bringing up little ones on your own (during the week at least).

I've got two pre-schoolers myself and a husband that works long hours and is a shit who often plays golf at the weekends. Ok - he's not a shit - at all - I just hate that he plays golf because that extends my week if you know what I mean.

I permanently feel guilty and wonder why I ever thought I'd be a Mary Poppins type of mother? So far from it!

This week I've been struck down with a chest infection (haven't been this ill for years) - and realised that when I stop everything stops - spent all day yesterday crawling after the children in tears with a really high fever - trying to keep them going by hurling bananas and gingerbread men at them until DH got home. This is very illustrative of what a lot of our generation deal with during motherhood - the support network was traditionally your extended family - we were all younger (speaking for myself!) - everyone lived locally. These days if you're a SAHM without family on your doorstep - you're stuffed and have no time of your own. It's so hard to ask for help from friends who are in the same boat and have their own children and don't really have a spare hand either - even if they'd like to help. That's what I found yesterday. It's ok generally - but on those bad days - it sucks.

Not long until September!!

You are not alone out there! Don't be hard on yourself.
xxxxx

You could start thinking about a job starting in September when you only have to organise child care for one (at least in term time)? That would give you some light at the end of the tunnel. Agree with Igetcrazy - good child care is better than an unhappy Mum.

I'd look into going back to work part-time - not saying you have to do it, but look into it. It might be that you need that break from the grind of early motherhood. And it IS a grind. It might give you respite, and a bit of your identity back.

You know, I've often wished I had the nerve to suggest to another SAHM that we take over one another's kids one day a week so we get a full clear day to ourselves. I'd die for my son, but I could also swing for him pretty regularly. It's hard work, and relentless. And my DH works insane hours too, so I hear you on the lone parenting on weekdays part.

Have you investigated community playgroups (pre-schools)? They tend to be a damn sight cheaper than private nurseries - DS' is less than £3 an hour, with a high ratio of qualified staff and a lovely setting. They are completely committed to the kids and I honestly don't think about him when he's there because he is so blissfully happy. We started him at 30 months because he so plainly needed it - an only child, and he was crying at the end of mother and toddler group sessions. It might be cheaper than the nursery you're using, and then you might be able to send both kids. That 15 hours a week to yourself might make all the difference in the world.

"What sort of things do you enjoy? Could the kids tag along with you rather than you with them? Would they enjoy lunch at pizza express or a posh coffee bar rather than a sticky kids place. I make a point of going somewhere 'nice' for cake once a week as I like to. Art galleries too or bring a magazine/book along to a big park."

Yes, yes and a million times yes. I only take DS to nice cafes, other than softplay. Life is too damn short for Maccy Ds in my 30s.

ps apparently my friend's mother used to hide in the airing cupboard from her four children regularly - just listening to them all wandering around calling "mummy mummy" - and she is a Mary Poppins

I could have written your post 2 years ago. I hated being a SAHM, with huge respect and kudos to those who love it and are good at it. Some people are naturally accountants or teachers or dentists, some people are naturally SAHMs. And some of us totally suck at it, and there's no point pretending we don't, cos you just end up with mum and kids all miserable.

OP, with all seriousness, I would suggest you go back to work come September be it part or full time. You probably won't come out with any worthwhile financial gain, but everyone will be so much happier.

You might find it useful to read a book called 'How Not To F* Them Up' by the child psychologist Oliver James. He argues we all have our own mothering style and get unhappy, and more importantly make our kids unhappy, if we're not true to it. Some women need to work, others need to be with their kids 24/7, yet others need a mixture. It made me feel less guilty about feeling exactly how you've described.

I feel for you totally and see where you are coming from. You are obviously someone who loves their children enormously and this is a lot of the reason why you feel like you do, if you didn't love them so much you wouldn't care if you found it boring.

One of the things you said struck a chord with me about trying to second guess what would cause a melt down. i have tried to do this and sometimes you can try too hard and you have to sort of think 'oh whatever' and take your foot of the gas a bit. If I tried every which way to do something for an easier life then something usually happened to spoil it. Oh and don't talk to me about trying to get ready to go out, even to the corner shop, this could turn into a half hour military operation!

A think a lot of parents these days make the mistake of thinking they have to entertain their children all the time or they are failing. I think that this is the wrong attitude, yes of course we do to a degree but it is impossible and not good for either party to overdo it. Children need to learn how to entertain themselves. I often found music ( any kind) to have a good effect, if they were mooching round the house or fighting, it always seems to calm them or focus them.

Try to take the pressure off yourself firstly, you can't be supermum.
Yes the chores are tedious, try little ways to make them less so, can the children help you with anything?
Do you get time to yourself once they have gone to bed, this is important, they should be settling down at bedtime so you can have some 'me' time and I have let my children know as soon as they could understand the concept that parents need some time to themselves.

It will get better. Tell yourself everyday that you are doing a fantastic job and by rights you should be earning at least £100k for all you do!

Thank you everyone, so much. Reassuring and has given me some perspective - and some good ideas too.

I think I am the sort of person who needs time alone, and I certainly don't get much at the moment. I am lucky that I do have a bit of time in the evenings although ironically I get lonely waiting for DH to come home and being unable to go out/exercise which is what I crave.

My worry re getting a job is that it will be me, not DH, who will have to do drop-off and pick-up, take days off for ill children, and continue to do ALL the housework. That sounds like too much! Because his career really does not allow him this flexibility and the hours are brutal. He appreciates me being a SAHM massively btw, it allows him to pursue his career and this will in the long-term have financial rewards for us all, hopefully.

I know that things will improve with time, I just need to hang in there. I think that their ages (2.5 and 4.5) are really challenging in different ways. By 7pm I'm a wreck (physically and emotionally) after a long day that feels like a series of conflicts to get anything done (meals prepared and eaten, nursery attended, playgroups, shopping, chores...) I try to pick my battles, I'm not inflexible although I do try to be consistent about what I expect of them.

I read Playful Parenting, I DO need to lighten up (I have a history of depression), but it just feels really hard to not get bogged down with the daily routine. Groundhog day, it feels like. I need to make it more fun, for all our sakes.

I suspect that it's worse because of the weather. I am looking forward to being able to send them out into the garden. They actually play together quite nicely most of the time, but they do seem to want me to play with them more than I'd like (I find a lot of the play boring). I think I also need to explore new activities that I might enjoy more, that would occupy them.

Lots of food for thought in this thread, I really appreciate you all responding.

Nature how is your daily routine?

Does your 2.5yo have an afternoon sleep? Could you not get the younger one into a nursery session at the same time as the 4.5yo is at pre-school? I can recommend and early tea/bath/bedtime of even 6.30pm if you are without your husband in the afternoon and evening.

2.5yo is a challenging time to put it mildly. I had the same age gap with a compliant older and defiant younger child with such deadful behaviour at times she reduced me to tears in public with shocking tantrums which I hadn't experienced with my older child. What kept me going was the knowledge I must be consistant and ignore her awful behaviour. I spent a lot of time turning my back on her!! It did work but seemed to need her own maturity as well as she has grown older. She is now 5 and still a stroppy madam and a tricky customer at times but hugely easier to parent and therefore more enjoyable to spend time with.

You will notice a huge improvement when the older child starts school and that will hopefully coincide with your younger child being eligible for pre-school sessions. It was at that time I managed to find a part time job three days a week, so I was only paying for the afternoon sessions. I wasn't making vast amounts of money but felt and enjoyed a sense of personal freedom and identity I had been missing for six years sisnce giving up work.

You are not alone at all. I am a SAHM, mine are 19 months and 3 and I am searching unsuccessfully for a PT job so I can mix my life up a bit more and have more energy to BE with them on the days I am not working - as opposed to the endless repetition of 7 day a week working as chief cook, bottle washer, fight referee etcetc. I dream of just going into a shop alone without fighting a toddler into a car seat, trolley, squeezing the whole thing and a 3 year old into a toilet, rushing through what we need and reversing the process. I could cry with happiness sometimes when I get to go alone to get milk from the late night shop .... I recognise I get very stressed by being in their company 24/7.

I was also ill last weekend and besides popping flu pills, drinking cans of coke and trying to stay awake to supervise them I just gave up big ideas and let them watch tons of cbeebies. They were warm, safe, content, and fed (mostly while sitting on the sofa watching cbeebies) and I realised that was far more than many kids ever get in their life around the world.

I only ever aim to be a good enough parent and mine get plenty of benign neglect to develop their imaginations and self entertaining skills. This thread has some good ideas, you will get there! Day by day and on the bad days, hour by hour.

Ref 'making more fun' don't overthink this too much and let it stress you out. You could aim for something small/achievable for example set the timer for 15 mins and all sit at the table and do playdoh together. Really throw yourself into it and make it as fun as you can for 15 minutes. When the time is up say mummy has some jobs to do but why don't you make me some biscuits and i'll come and eat them when I've finished. I also found a kitchen table invaluable (if you have the space) as I could clean-up meals and start dinner etc while they were drawing or playing right there.

Also 15 minute story sessions (better if one-on-one but needs must) will have a positive effect on their behaviour.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by having to think up positive interactions try and think about it in a scientific way eg if they have 1 x story = better behaviour and bonding time.

What I mean by that is that even 1 x 15 minute fun session or quality time per day really makes a diffence IME xx