I think I made a mistake becoming a mother

[naturelover]

I do not feel cut out for this. I'm a SAHM who cannot afford to work because I have two DCs. But I'm starting to realise that I hate being at home with young children, I am bored, fed up and feel trapped, with no light at the end of the tunnel until both children are at school - nearly 3 years away!
I don't think I actually like young children. I love my two, of course, and I made the decision to be a SAHM because I wanted to be there for them when they were small, and comfort them, nurture them, because DH and I both thought it was best for our family. DH has much greater earning capacity than I ever did, and he works long hours and travels a lot. I'm sure this is part of the difficulty for me, especially when I am nearly a lone parent Mon-Fri.
Youngest DC is having lots of tantrums, probably contributing to my feelings now. I know I need to engage with my children more to get the best of them, but I find myself hiding in the loo for 10 mins from time to time to just have a few precious minutes to myself. I blame my mood for their bad behaviour, as I know that when I engage with them properly they respond well. But I'm so bloody tired of it, trying to second-guess what will cause one of them to melt down, doing stuff to entertain them that actually bores me stupid. Going out involves such a battle getting them both dressed etc, it almost puts me off leaving the house but of course it's for my sanity and theirs that we go out and see people.
Eldest DC starts reception in Sept but is really ready now (Autumn-born, quite advanced for her age). She goes to nursery 15 hours/week. Can't really afford any more childcare unless I work and even then, the logistics of it are off-putting and I might not even break even financially.
Am I being melodramatic to sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and not have children? Or do others feel this way?

'I made the decision to be a SAHM'

You didn't make a vow in blood or anything, did you?

Decisions can be changed. You've already done it for longer than I've ever held any paid job.

I agree with the timer suggestion, I do it with my two- even the baby! I'll do 10 or 15 min of focused interaction, then get some chores done, then set timer again. It's more achievable than being enthusiastic for an hour at a time, and they respond really well to it.

If you can afford it, Cook sell ready meals frozen that are genuinely homemade - really good quality. You just make the couscous (bunging hot water on the stuff isn't beyond me even on a terrible day) and it's enough for 2 kids - actually it's enough for me and DS. I get the chicken casserole, the (non-hot) chilli and the bolognese. It's about £3.50 for a pot and you just microwave it. I do that sometimes when he's being a bugger about eating, because cooking and his refusing to even taste it is fine when I've not made it myself. I just eat his portion too, and don't sweat it. That really helps as an occasional thing if I'm having a terrible day, because it cuts all emotion out from it. I don't know if that's just me, but his rejecting a lovingly-made, balanced meal I have done for him winds me up when exhausted and fed up.

And I will try that timer thing myself, thanks to whoever suggested it.

I'm looking for part-time work as well. Can't bloody wait, tbh. And I've flat out told DH we will be getting a cleaner on the earnings, because I am not doing all the nights, all the childcare-runs, and all the housework as well.

Naturelover I could hug you. V unMN! So many people feel like you do. I think it's actually normal and healthy biologically. By 3 they can survive - just- without our 24/7 help. We need to start feel a version of detachment so we will allow them out into the world. Pre-school are the hardest years to tolerate.

I felt just as you do. here's what i did. It may not work for you but it did for me.
First, I gave up on any idea of time to myself to think. (My work involves writing reports form home so I was used to total silence and freedom of thought until I had them and I mourned it like the loss of a family member at the time.) recognising I wouldn't get it meant i wasted no energy mourning it. That sounds like defeat but it's not. It really helped.

1. I structured my days. Out every day 3 times a day. Talk to them lots about what they're doing, so they know why they're getting dressed. Off to playgroup or art or music in the mornings. Meet a friend for coffee or have someone round late morning/lunch time. Playpark or city farm in the afternoon, or out to shopping centre, ride on bus or train, then back for tea, bath, TV, stories, bed.

At least that way i felt in control. the days were very busy but I just ploughed through them on automatic, instead of ever waking up and wondering how to fill the day.

May I suggest that you might think about starting a home-based business of your own? I?ve done this recently and although it?s tiring and stressful, it?s also great to have the mental stimulation and the creative satisfaction of setting up as self-employed, not to mention the income, although that?s not much to speak of just yet.

If you look into the different models of business, you will be able to find something that will fit around school and nursery hours. The internet has made this possible!

This is my long term plan, anyway ? bringing in a full time income on part time hours and choosing the hours that I work.

Have you considered doing an Open University course? If there is something you are interested in but you can't get out to evening classes, perhaps this could be a good solution? As well as providing options for a future career, should you decide to work outside the home again one day. (A friend of mine has just completed a degree in psychology, whilst working full time and being a step mother. She did find it tiring, but satisfying.)

You're not alone hun... I feel exactly the same and I've only got the one! I'm sure it'll pass as soon as my son is in school and being a lot more mentally engaged than what I'm offering him at the moment. It is hard though and when i look at the life I had before and all the care-free things my other half and I used to do, it makes me quite angry that we didnt enjoy our spare time more. Having said that, I wouldnt have my life without him - crazy huh? I'm hoping to find a lot of support on these boards too, and adapt to motherhood better (I'm new... hi ladies and gents!) xx

Just wanted to agree with Ceasnake I earn good money working mainly from home and it really has hugely increased my sense of achievement and well being. you get your self back, you stop just being that lump of flesh covered in rancid milk and baggy t-shirts.

Zone2Mum, unfortunately the Open University has changed its fee structure due to the cuts. It used to be £600 - £700 a module, but for new starters it is now £2500. That means it's now £15000 for a full 3 year undergrad degree, for example (6 modules). Obviously you can get loans, and it might be worth someone's while if they are useful professionally, but it's no longer a standard open access system. It's a very expensive way to distance learn - a couple of full-time universities are actually cheaper. A real shame, and np longer an easy way for people to alter career path or stretch themselves.

I have a huge amount of symapthy and respect for you OP. I just couldn't be a full time SAHM. I'd go mad. If it's any consolation, I found the 'fraught fours' to be the absolute pits, way worse than the 'terrible twos'. It sounds like you need to regain some role/identity that doesn't solely revolve around being mum. When I went back to work after DD (I'm the main earner in our house) I also thought it'd be hard having to do the childcare pick ups/drop offs etc etc but in practice, it was fine. I think in 3 years of DD being at nursery, I only took 2 days off with her because she was ill. So don't right off going back to work just because of that.

Having 2 pre schoolers is hard. It sounds like September feels faraway, remember it well. Hold this thought, it will be bloody heaven with 1 at home! I have 3, 2 at school and it's fab!

naturelover, i know exactly where you are coming from. I am not a SAHM - I just know I just couldn't do it (and anyway, am single parent so don't have that option). I work full time and that has always been my sanity. I have had a tough day today with chest infection and poorly children (mine are similar ages to yours) and this day has been just awful. The thought of having to do this all day every day is awful - even if I am ill I like to drag myself to work for the rest and the peace and quiet!

I do think we are trained to see SAHM as a lifestyle choice and therefore a delight when actually for some women it's neither of those things. For me it would be a bloody slog.

In a way I don't think it matters that work doesn't make sense for you financially at this point. As long as it doesn't leave you unable to manage, financially, I would seriously think about work. After all, you are someone who has needs in this set-up as well. Your DH has his own time and your DCs of course get all their needs met. When are your needs met as a person? The only space I have in my life that is mine is my working time. OK I'm working so it's not entirely my time but it's my brain, my space, my office, my cup of coffee that is not being interrupted.

I would honestly be seriously depressed without work. I don't know how else to describe how much of an escape it is for me. I don't think you should consider that you made a mistake becoming a mother. I think you should think about whether there are other ways for you to be a mother.

Keep your chin up - it's bloody tough at these ages, whatever you do. But you'll find a way to find yourself again.

I have a huge amount of empathy with you also OP, and admire your honesty. Actually the more I talked about how I found all the play and chores boring, most other mums said the same thing.
It's not an easy job, the relentless of it can be exhausting, and the lack of any achievable goals can be very disheartening.

The lack of naps can be hard too - maybe you need to schedule some down time for them anyway - painting, or modelling with playdoh - a DVD -just themselves, while you watch them with a cuppa from the sofa - headphones in to a gripping audio book? Or in the next room, doing some simple yoga breathing and stretches?
Schedule two such breaks into every day to recharge you own batteries.

Maybe give them both a massage in the evenings, they'll become very calm, and so will you. Remember to get one for yourself at the weekend!

This phase doesn't last forever. You're not alone.

I could be writing your post - I have three (a nearly 5 yr old, a 3 yr old who is also an autumn baby and so won't be going to school for another 18months, and a 1 yr old). I frequently find myself bored to tears from the mindless and relentless crap of the daily routine, and yes, I do think winter's harder. Especially at the moment where it's too damn cold to be out for long (even if the kids can cope with the cold a bit, I'm not freezing my tits off for too long). CBeebies is my friend just after lunch so that I can do something for myself - even if it's just sitting on MN for a bit or zoning out.

Whereabouts do you live? Have you managed to meet like-minded parents who you can chat to about the crappiness of it all?

I really do completely understand how you feel. I do think that the age your children are at is a particularly gruelling one. I went back to work almost full time after DD1 and part time after DD2 but I quit and became full time SAHM when pg with DS as it was just too hard fitting in work and 3 small children. I did want to be a SAHM but while actually living it I found it very much as you describe, I often wondered what on earth I was doing, and why, and longed to be back in my calm office making a cup of tea (or even better - joy of joys on a long haul flight on my own!). Things started to improve once eldest started Reception - but I still had one full time at home and one in part time nursery and running around doing pick ups and drop offs seemed to be my raison d'etre - not brilliant. I ran my diary as if I was still at work - scheduling stuff to do every day, although by that stage I had had it with play groups (too soul destroying), so I tried to spend time with friends. Luckily I had enough friends and acquaintances around who were in a similar boat (and we clung to each other like it was a sinking ship). It has now been over 3 years since I stopped working and it has got easier and happier with every day that passes. DD2 is now in Reception and DS will be starting a couple of days at nursery next term and guess what, I am already feeling a tug and lamenting that these days are now passing so quickly. Once DS is in nursery 3 days a week from September I am planning to look for another job. I want to - but I feel sad too. Life as a SAHM has been hard and at times lonely and unrewarding but when I look back over it and think that it is probably now drawing to a close I realise how glad I am for me and the children that I did stop working for a while. There is so much that I have enjoyed and so much that I would have missed if I had been working. When you are in the midst of the daily grind it is hard to see the wood from the trees, but when you look back over the big picture you see so much more and my abiding memories over the last few years are all good with much chaos but also much happiness.

I would suggest only that you try and spend as much time with other mothers as you can - call people even if you don't know them that well as they will probably be just as desperate as you! Try and look back at every day and focus on a few good things you managed.