Maybe I'm not cut out for this

[Ouchdownthere]

Not really sure why I'm posting, just need somewhere to put down my thoughts and I guess to see if anyone has any advice to help me be a better mum.

My DS is 12 weeks and I am struggling to cope with not being able to put him down for any longer than ten minutes at a time. I'm finding it really hard to entertain him as he seems to only like mat /rattle/rhymes for a few minutes each. Unless I am out pounding the streets he will only sleep on me during the day and this is now creeping into his night sleeping too. I adore him but I am starting to really struggle with not being able to even shower without him crying to be picked up. I've tried slings / swings but he seems to only be able to tolerate them for a few minutes at a time. I was just about coping when at night he was feeding and going straight back to sleep in his bed, but this is now falling apart too and he is spending more and more time in bed with me, the only way i can try and get more than the odd hour here or there.

Sorry I am tired and don't know what I can do to try and break this, I feel like I am spending so much time willing him to sleep or settle so I can go to the toilet / get dressed that I am wasting precious time learning how to be a good mum.

My DS tries to be supportive but works full time so isn't around much in the week. My parents are being amazing at helping me out but I just feel like I can't do anything in the house but sit under him which is no fun for either of us.

I'm used to a demanding job and love a routine but I just can't seem to be able to get things to fall into place anymore. I can't bear to think that he has been saddled with a rubbish mum because he deserves the best.

Sorry it's turned into a ramble but I feel a little better just having acknowledged to myself that am finding this tough going. I keep looking at his gorgeous little face and feel like I am failing him already. Thank you for reading if you have made it this far.

Oh Ouchdownthere

You are not a bad mum not at all not at all not at all

PLEASE check out this thread right now

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1394123-Things-you-used-to-be-smug-about-then-realised-your-mistake-when-a-new-baby-proved-you-were-just-lucky

You are under SO much pressure and you are doing well to have got this far. The circumstances you are living under would try the most amazing person in the world

It will get better, I promise!!!

As he gets older it will get easier.

Ask your parents to look after him for a few hours while you shower/get your hair done/sleep whatever. Just that bit of a break makes things so much easier to deal with.

p.s even in a demanding job you get to go to the loo in peace!!!!

Parenting is a learning curve (maybe more of a learning squiggle actually ) and you are only at the start of a very long, very twisty road here. Cut yourself some slack, please do. No one knows how to be a parent straight away BUT what I can tell you is that no one else will ever know how to be your son's mother better than you will.

Give yourselves some time to get to know each other as mother and baby. If this means casting off all your expectations re. sleep, routine, behaviour etc. then so be it. If things aren't falling in to place as you had expected, try something different. E.g. I have a 6mo DD: she still sleeps in our bed, still feeds to sleep bla bla bla because that is what works right now for us all, in terms of surviving the mental tiredness. And she's my second!

It is a lifequake, having a new baby, don't underestimate that. Make yourself a brew, sit down and give your lovely boy a cuddle. Finding it hard doesn't make you rubbish, it makes you normal :)

I wouldn't worry too much about him settling all the time. If you need a shower or to get dressed you just have to do it. Put the baby somewhere safe and comfortable and if he makes a noise, try not to let it bother you. He's won't be distressed, in danger or in pain. Pick him up when you've finished whatever it is you need to do.

Oh, everyone promises that it suddenly gets easier at 12 weeks, you hold out, then you get there and realise you were sold a pup! While I've had a relatively easy life it hasn't all been roses by any means, and having a newborn was the hardest thing I've ever done, by a margin.

But it does get easier, it really does, and very soon.

The Baby Whisperer has excellent, kind techniques for weaning babies off using you as a sleep prop. You can buy the books secondhand off amazon for tuppence (get the The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems rather than Secrets of the Baby Whisperer), or use the excellent, supportive website, which honestly saved my sanity in the early days. www.babywhispererforums.com/

Firstly- you are not a rubbish mum! The fact that you are feeling overwhelmed is SO normal. Its bloody scary having a little one and you constantly feel that you are letting them down. You're not I promise! 12 weeks is around the time where the adrenaline and euphoria run out and you go from feeling "Hurray- a lovely wee baby" to feeling "this is hard going- i'd like a wee break now"

Your baby in the early days is just wanting you there, it feels as though they suck the life out of you sometimes as they are incredibly demanding. But they just don't want to be alone. Its hard though as you keep thinking to yourself that you don't want to start "bad" habits. At twelve weeks he's really a bit young to be in a strict routine. I found the Gina Ford a good help- I like a routine aswell. I just didn't follow it to the letter. I used a bit of common sense and adjusted it to suit me and baby. It was handy as a jumping off point for organising my day..I was sitting in my jammies all day with my first baby up until I started using Gina.
Word of warning is to not get stressed using it- Its just a guide. You don't need to follow it to the minute. As for rattles and rhymes don't worry too much about his attention span, Babies normally get pretty bored pretty quickly.
I found lying ds in his cot with the lights low and just talking or looking at him from the side of the cot was quite good as he had a wee bit of distance between us. Does he just grumble or is it more of a distressed cry?does he sound in pain? How was your birth?my friend had a ds that loved being held and he ended up needing cranial osteopathy(sp?) due to a traumatic birth. It was painless and he was right as rain after it.

You are doing well! You need to cut yourself some slack and pour yourself a wine. We all have days where we feel like the worse mothers ever. We're not though!

I'll second cranial osteopathy - it can make a real difference to a baby who struggles to settle!

BenderBendingRodriguez lifequake sums it up brilliantly!!

Babies are delicious and sweet and draining and confusing but slowly and surely they start to 'give' a little more than they 'take', the days where you feel overwhelmed start to lessen and the one's where you sit down after bubs is down for the night and think 'whoop no tears today' become more common until they are the norm (undoubtly they will pop up every now and again for the next ahhh 18 yrs but not the norm).

Its hard when you dont get a proper break during the day, is he having day naps in his bed at all? At that age both DS and DD were pretty much on the one hour turnaround, at around 5mths or so they were able to go 2hrs, DD is just 8mths and is pretty much on a 2.5hr awake time and then down for sleeps. I have always done nap time the same from when they were about 6 wks old, into bedroom / close curtains / wrap, swaddle, sleeping bag whichever you use / hold close and sing Twinkle Star and then hummm it and then put baby into bed sleepy but awake. Do you swaddle? I used the Love To Dream swaddle with DD as she liked her arms up but had a huge startle reflex, weaned her off it at 6mths without too much bother.

Get some help if possible, being able to hand of the responsiblity just for a couple of hours so you can shower and sleep without worry will help immensly with your ability to cope when things get tough.

Best of luck and congrats on being a lovely new mum with completly normal feelings!!

I think your expectations are too high. Your baby is too young to amuse himself in a baby gym etc. He is happiest when he is with you. If you accept that and find ways to work round that - co-sleeping, baby wearing etc then you will be happier and so will he. Forget routines and all the other silly expectations imposed on very small babies in Western societies.

When he's 7 months old, eating solids and sitting up, then you will be able to review the situation.

My heart goes out to you because I could have written your post a few months ago. In fact, hand on heart, at any point between about 2 weeks and about 16 weeks, if I had found out that DD came with a receipt, I would have sent her back.

But, I don't know how to say this in a way that will convince you, but it DOES get better, it really does. My DD will be one in a couple of weeks and I love her to bits. We do still have our ups and downs (like 3am yesterday!), but she is soooooooo cute and funny and learning all the time. You will get this too.

Can I ask, have you done the Edinburgh scale for PND? I'm not suggesting you have it, more that the tone of your post sounds a bit like you feel more than just tired, and it might be worth speaking to your HV about it, just in case.

Separately, I too got much better when we had a routine established. I also used Gina, but was not quite so militaristic about it. She's much reviled on mn but I found that, taken with a pinch of salt and a large dollop of common sense, there was a lot of sense in what she said, and it helped me get some order into my new life.

The early days with DD were without a doubt the darkest, hardest days of my life, but here's the thing....it gets better.

So sorry you're going through this but you are not alone, you are not a bad mum, and you will make it through this difficult time.

Take care
D

Firstly. You are cut out for this and it sounds like you are doing a great job already.

My first, DD was like this. I literally carried her constantly for 5 months on my arm. She didn't like the stroller, the mat, the rug or even a sling.

She just clung like a limpet. She did have a bouncy chair which she would sit in for 10mins before howling to be picked up again.

The bang on 5 months she sat by herself unsupported. It was Christmas so it was like an extra present for me.

And from then on she was delighted to sit and play away. Complete turn around from the moment she sat.

I wondered where I was/went wrong until DS came along this summer. I was all braced for another limpet child. But no. From day he was born he was happy on mat, in stroller, car seat anywhere.

So my limited experience tells me it's all down to personality.

You are 12 weeks in now so not long before your LO starts to sit or move. And you will have your hands back.

It's so hard when they want to be carried constantly.

I would try sling or baby Bjorn if you have not already done so. No success for me there but you may have more luck.

Big sympathy to you. Are there any relatives close by who could come and do some holding? Even if they are not babysitting just holding while you make a cup of tea.

When my dd was about that age I borrowed Dr Sears' 'The Fussy Baby Book' from the library and it made me see that some babies are just more demanding types and it wasn't all my fault - loads of practical advice too, really recommend it. There is a 'high need baby' thread on here somewhere too, think it's in the breastfeeding/bottlefeeding topic? 3 months was the pits for us, screaming every time we put dd down, every time the car stopped moving, hardly slept at all in the day (and sporadically at night) but too small to do much to entertain herself...

It got markedly better from about 4/5 months and now at 10 months she is a real delight, still full of energy and still very hard work sometimes but bright, inquisitive and fun-loving. I can still remember how dreadful I felt when she was your baby's age, was constantly on edge waiting for something to set her off and dreaded having to put her down. We still cosleep now and she still loves being carried in a sling. At about 6 weeks I discovered she loved looking at a musical mobile above her cot so I used to wait til she was in a good mood, put her under that and it would give me enough time to shower - is there anything similar that might work for you? It will get better, hang in there!

My LO is 12 weeks on Friday and I literally could have written your post! Thank you for writing it and for those who replied you have given me some hope! I try everything with my LO but even holding her isn't enough at times, she still moans at me. It makes me feel awful.
I especially relate to the comment about having a receipt, I have felt like that on and off for the last 11 weeks and definately for the last 2 days as my LO has been especially demanding and niggly. I was in tears yesterday, I was crying with her. I had to leave her in her bouncer for a few minutes and go into the bathroom to pull myself together
I have no advice only to let you know you are not alone xxx

Thank you all so much for your responses, I can't tell you how much they have helped me already.

tryharder you are absolutely right, I do have high expectations, this is without doubt the hardest and most important thing I will ever do and I so want to do it well I am losing sight of him just being a tiny baby that for now just needs love and security. I need to let go of my desire to control everything and just respond to his needs.

There has been some great advice offered here, he did have a difficulty birth and we have had a few cranio sessions, they certainly helped with his wind and some tension in his neck but might be a good idea to take him back again. I think what I will do, as you have all suggested, is stop trying so hard and learn to work with his needs and realise he just likes to be held.

He naps in the day but currently only in my lap or in the pram if in motion. I've tried swaddling but he kept fighting his way out and I haven't been brave enough to really swaddle him tight as not done that from birth. I'll keep trying to put him into bed when sleepy but not battle to keep him there which I've been trying to do and then hating watching him look at me crying to be picked up.

deliaskis I have just done the test and it would seem am borderline, thank you for pointing it out, I am going to keep an eye on myself but, honestly, all your responses have really helped the mist clear a little.

Rather than fight it I am going to embrace the nice cuddles which are the bonus of him sleeping with me and also head off to my parents for a day or two to get some help.

I am amazed how so many of you have shown empathy and offered so much support, can't believe how much it's helped and really got my head a bit clearer about it all. Thank you.

I used to walk around for ages to get Dd to nod off in her peak. Walk thee to a coffee shop with the paper and when baby does not off do nothing but rest, drink coffee and stretch out a bit. This too shall pass!

I now exactly how you feel. I was the same. I couldn't even eat a meal without DD going into meltdown.

I would definatly try swaddling again. Do it tighter so he can't wriggle. If your concerned only do it at night.

Don't get too hung up on routine. I have never tried to set one. Dd has now developed her own one now that seems to work for her.

Don't give up on the sling. Dd didn't like it at first, and now we have to be walking in order for her to be calm and content. Once she was able to control her head it was much better and sometimes it's much easier than getting a pram in and out of the house. Maybe come back to it in a few weeks.

As for sleeping on you, in the end I just gave in. Once you do that it becomes less of an issue, plus you get to sit down. I just used to use my phone to go on Mumsnet. It stopped me going mad . Also don't forget other tummies (esp fat grandad ones) can be just as lovely for him. I actually miss my Dd sleeping on me. That only happens in the sling now.

As everyone says (and at the time I did not believe them) this too shall pass. Eat well, get fresh air and remember caffeine is your best friend right now. Oh and keep coming on here for support.

Before you know it you'll be asking questions about weaning

At that age I swaddled DS pretty tightly then released it a bit when he was fast asleep

Chin up and hang on in there. As other people have said, it will get better. With DD1 I was desperate to 'get it right' although with hindsight, I realise now that I had no idea what 'right' actually was. I was very stressed and spent the first few months on the verge of tears.

With DD2 I realised that I just had to do whatever she wanted so I spent nearly every evening for the first 6 months with her in the sling, walking up and down the living room whilst reading a paperback! She was happy, and surprisingly, so was I! DD2 is now 2.5, and although still likes a hug in the same position she used to be in the sling, is very independent (and in a strange way I really miss those long cuddles!!).

I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Go to mum and dad's and let them look after you. It does get better!

I really sympathise Ouch, I felt exactly the same as you a few months ago. It felt like my DS just cried all the time unless I was holding/bouncing him up and down. It nearly drove me crazy! You sound like an amazing Mum and I promise you it WILL get better. DS is now 9 months and it has got a lot easier in the last couple of months and the last few weeks have been amazing - now that he can sit up and crawl around he's so much happier and is really a joy.

I would say definitely keep trying with the sling - once I got the hang of the Moby wrap, I felt much freer during the day - I would eat lunch and go to the loo with him in the sling and he would just sleep right through it all. I'd also recommend the Beco Gemini sling which we moved to when he got a bit bigger and are still using now.

Re. sleep - have you tried half swaddling? We finally got DS to sleep on his own by half swaddling him (ie. swaddling under arms only), rocking him to sleep in our arms and putting him down as soon as he dropped off. For some reason that seemed to work.

Maybe have a read of this link - it is by Dr Sears and describes high needs baby - it helped me to realise that I wasn't doing anything wrong: www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

One last suggestion - if your DS is still hard to entertain in a couple of months time, try the jumperoo (I think you can use it from 4 or 5 months?) it was a real life-saver for us!

rantee good advice to stretch out, it's such a small thing but you just don't realise how crunched up you get in those early days of endless feeding/holding/doing everything one-handed. When my DS (firstborn) was tiny, I used to do a quick 10 minute stretch routine every morning when I got up, just to ward off the stiffness. It really helped.

Ouch you say your DS's birth was difficult - all the more reason to be kind to yourself, physically and emotionally, because that will have been difficult for you too :) 12 weeks is not a long time to get your head round something as profound as giving birth, let alone recover your strength, so please make sure you are resting and looking after yourself wherever possible. If that means you spend a whole day lolling about in bed with your baby, all the better! He will only be tiny this once.

I have an Ergo Baby carrier (and infant insert). I've had my baby in it from the start, which might make a difference, but if helps me to avoid needing to pound the pavements all the time. I can wear him around the flat for ten mins, get him to sleep, and park myself on the settee. Get one. It's brilliant.

Early motherhood is the pits, in my opinion. You're one better than me, because I didn't adore DS the first year of his life, so the drudgery was worse, and constantly dutifully doing all the right things made it all a treadmill of horror.

He's 3 now, and the joy and love of my life - and he is remarkably independent and cheery and can amuse himself for quite sizeable stretches. Enough that I really want another - I just acknowledge that I am not a fan of that first awful year. It IS tough - that doesn't make you a remotely bad mother, just one who will prefer a nice toddler to play with! They are babies for a very, very short time, and children for years and years, and in my view, that's the fun part. And the extreme clinginess stopped, with me, when DS became mobile at 6 months and wanted to explore! So you're almost there now, too. Hang on in there - this is like going up a short but severely steep hill on a bike, and then you have miles and miles of downhill!

And things are much easier with babies, IMO, if you let them set the routines. They've not read the books we have... and all he wants is love, food and calm, which it sounds like you're giving him. An ergo or a wrap made my life a lot easier, too. Was able to move around at home with him, and go for coffees and look around while he happily snuggled. Much easier than being stuck at home with a crying child.

perfectstorm same here - I'm a toddler/child person rather than a baby person - i've adored ages 1-2. I spent the first 4 or so months on the verge of an anxiety attack, in between feeling dutifully responsible for DD. I don't know when I fell fiercely in love with her, but was later, may be 6 months on. About to have my second in 5 weeks so here we go again!