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Original poster

I'm a 'bad' mum....

29 replies

HouseworkProcrastinator · 25/01/2012 20:56

While discussing controlled crying on an other thread it has got me thinking about how we are expected to raise our children...

I had an epidural on my first ( home birth on second... Am I redeemed?)
I did not carry my children round on my hip for two years
I left my kids to cry themselves to sleep, apparently that is now meant to be detrimental to the child.
I fed them with a spoon what I wanted them to eat, no baby led weening in my house.
I use time out ( which initially was praised as a better alternative to smacking), but this is meant to make a child feel bad or isolated or something like that
I punish bad behaviour, I think now we are meant to be mind readers and distract the child before they are naughty
I tell my child when something they do is not correct instead of just praising the efforts and ignore the mistakes
I let my 5 year old play in the street
I don't cuddle and reassure when they have tantrums
I do not play with my children all day long
I don't home school, infact I enjoy the peace and quiet
I allow them to watch tv when home from school and not just educational stuff that will teach another language, Maths or science.

I love my children dearly but all these things I have seen on mumsnet or in the news or researched or on documentarys as bad parenting. I am not in anyway slating others who don't do the same as me but am a bit sick of the guilt put on mums if thy do not dedicate every waking second to running round pandering to their child's every want. Any one else out there as 'bad' as me?

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EmilyStrange · 25/01/2012 21:00

The whole tone of your thread is I am a good mum... so I don't know exactly what response you want except maybe a lot of people saying they did the same as you and so on

HumphreyCobbler · 25/01/2012 21:00

What you don't realise is that people who do the opposite to all the things you describe in your post are also told they are doing it wrongly and making a rod for your own back etc etc

Motherhood is just basically a guilt trip.

Best thing is just to try your hardest to do what you think is the right thing and ignore the rest.

Original poster
HouseworkProcrastinator · 25/01/2012 21:05

Emily my point was about the amount of guilt that mums have put on them by other mums, news, tv, mags etc. and how things that were once considered to be normal have now become 'bad' parenting. I am not looking for comments on my own parenting but maybe other people's experiences on being made to feel guilty or wrong for something/s they do...

I'm sorry I thought this was a discussion board.. Just thought it was an interesting topic.

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MoreBeta · 25/01/2012 21:08

We did the same as you - except we didnt let them play in the street and we did let them pick up bits of food if they wanted to as well as spoon feeding.

I genuinely do not think I am a bad parent and neither are you.

I tend to think there are parents who are quite obsessive and frankly let their children rule their life. I usually find those people have extremely badly behaved selfish children who have no boundaries.

rubyslippers · 25/01/2012 21:09

Motherhood is one long guilt trip

Love your children, tell them that every day

That's my mantra

PriscillaQueenOfTheDesert · 25/01/2012 21:12

I left my kids to cry themselves to sleep, this is now meant to be detrimental to the child

Erm no, I said I think not that it definitely is. And it was in response to another poster saying that CC was beneficial to a child. Confused

Everything else, well, if that's how you choose to parent then that's fine. You know your children are cared for, loved and happy so that's all that matters surely.

Ok I don't agree with some things on your list but that's my opinion and although I parent completely differently to you it doesn't make either of us "Bad" mums.

And FWIW, my mum parented my brother and me the in same way as you do, I could have easily followed in her footsteps but I choose to follow another path that felt more natural to me. Doesn't make either of us wrong.

PriscillaQueenOfTheDesert · 25/01/2012 21:13

FFS sorry about the spelling mistakes. Zzzzzz

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 25/01/2012 21:18

A mothers place is in the wrong.....

Original poster
HouseworkProcrastinator · 25/01/2012 21:24

This wasn't aimed at anyone in particular priscilla. Someone mentioned there was reaserch that suggested it was detrimental to the child to leave them to cry. As I said it is more a comment on the way parents are made to feel if they are not doing things the 'right' way. Be it what our friends are doing, or what the professionals say (some probably don't even have children), or Heath visitor etc... I do not think I am bad hence the quotation marks but there does seem to be an air of superiority out there from some when it comes to parenting.

I wouldn't judge others unless they actually neglected their children.

For example... There is a study that says any tv watching before the age of three can make a child ADHD. How many mums out there actually don't let their children watch any before that age? So that is just going to make the majority of mums feel bad.

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PriscillaQueenOfTheDesert · 25/01/2012 21:29

My life just wouldn't be the same without Peppa Pig. Blush

Original poster
HouseworkProcrastinator · 25/01/2012 21:32

My house wouldn't be as clean without peppa pig!

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trixie123 · 26/01/2012 08:19

Agreed. If there was a right way, there would be one parenting book and everyone would follow it. There are probably things that are better for babies and children than others but they have to suit the parents' temperament also. I could not do exclusive BF, co-sleeping, attachment type parenting so haven't. I need 2yo DS out of my hair occasionally so he goes to pre-school and watched TV sometimes 9and yes, I too worship at the shrine of Peppa Pig!) It'll all be different rules and advice a few years down the line anyway

worldgonecrazy · 26/01/2012 08:27

As parents we do the best we can with the information we have at the time. At the time your children were young you didn't know any better because you were given bad advice by 'experts', and people you trusted.

Maybe in a few years there will be new evidence that the BLW/anti CC lot are also wrong and there will be new and better ways found of raising children.

All we can do is share our experiences and the information we have at the time and do the best we can with it. Getting things wrong, or not having the information does not make you a bad mum.

ClarryKitten · 26/01/2012 12:43

Housework - fuck 'em. fuck 'em all.

You know who REALLY REALLY needs to be guilt tripped in to pulling their fucking weight?? DADS!!! where are the dads? society doesn't seem to give a crap that the majority of them are still living in la la land. I hear countless tales of hubbies spending their evenings playing x-box or babysitting the kids with the T.V etc. Its more than blatant selfishness though its a state of removal from child care that leaves them always in the back seat -guilt and pressure free.

Men - shape up! soon (next decade or so) you're going to find yourselves living alone. We have a generation of women outperforming men in all subjects at Uni and it won't be long before the majority of earners are women...who will be the primary care givers then?

I wouldn't trust half of the advice dished out to mothers these days - its idiotic at best. wtf is tummy time!?? and putting them down on their backs? or fronts? or what is it now...perhaps we hang them up by their ankles? fucking government loons. It is easy to look after kids and there is ONE rule, only one....

CONFIDENCE!

how many grandmothers do you hear saying how difficult their kids were to get off to sleep? or that they were still not sleeping through at 15? fussy eaters? why? because they were straight and confident from the beginning. They weren't constantly giving out paranoid vibes about what position the baby was sleeping in or whether or not they would be traumatised from sleeping alone or with their mothers until they were 13.7 months old. And picky eating?? whoever heard of an animal that had to persuade its young to eat food!! we're a fucked up little culture and thats for sure.

Kids get what they're given, they go to bed when they're told, they get told off if they're naughty, praised when they do something good, they FOLLOW their parents and they do not lead. end of.

conorsrockers · 26/01/2012 22:21

Amen Clarry.

Lemonfairydust · 26/01/2012 22:27

All parents and children are different. Parents feel guilty no matter what they do most of the time. As long as your children are well cared for and content that is all that matters.

BrianButterfield · 26/01/2012 22:35

I've heard plenty of grandmothers tell me their children didn't sleep, or were fussy eaters. There's nothing new under the sun, and all that.

ClarryKitten · 27/01/2012 10:33

oh there's a hell of a lot that's new under this sun.

bakingaddict · 27/01/2012 11:06

In our grandmothers day they had large extended families to help new mothers with childcare and raising kids, some advice may be conflicting, but cot deaths have been greatly reduced by HV recommendations that babies sleep on their backs and are not over-heated, advancement of knowledge is not to be sneered at, like everything else it's up to you to whether to use it or not

NinkyNonker · 27/01/2012 12:15

In fact I find most people criticise us for doing the very things you criticise in your post. To each their own, you can't win. I think we're good parents and wouldn't do things your way, and vice versa I'm sure.

specialgun · 27/01/2012 12:16

You sound a little smug but not really bad.

NinkyNonker · 27/01/2012 12:18

Oh, and when I saw the HV yesterday she told me dd should have been in a forward facing car seat at 9 months (untrue), and I overheard the other one telling a mother of a new baby (about 8 wks) to leave her baby to cry herself to sleep at night to avoid bad habits. So, I don't think there is such a thing as mainstream advice.

OtterNonsense · 27/01/2012 12:27

A whole industry has grown up around ideas of parenting which plays on the fears of the over-tired and over-worked. It makes us question our instincts when we are at our most vulnerable and someone, somewhere is making a lot of money out of selling us the 'latest' perfect parenting methods.

littleducks · 27/01/2012 12:30

It's true that parenting seems to have become 'professionalised' almost.

Raising my children is very important to me but it is nor my only focus, I am also running a family (ignoring work etc). So I may punish then for doing something, perhaps a better strategy for just them would've to distract them or whatever is en vogue atm, but it is easier to tell them off, and fairer for everyone else.

That might not be clear? I mean for example, I could distract ds every time he wanted to destroy one of dd's drawings...perhaps that would be better fir him. However dd would have to live in fear of her stuff being ruined or constantly putting her drawings out if reach, my dh would be sad as he likes a clean tidy house and I would have to watch ds like a hawk, and I would probably be a grumpy cow as everything I did would be determined by a 3 yr old.

Original poster
HouseworkProcrastinator · 27/01/2012 12:44

ninkynonker I don't think I have criticised anyone. I said I wasn't slating anything. These are just examples of things that I have done which are not considered to be good parenting now a days by some people. Some of them e.g time out, and telling off rather than distracting and the baby led weening thing I were told by sure start when I did a parenting course (because I wanted to) others such as homeschooling, constant attention and contact and the not crying to sleep thing. I have seen on documentaries and read about. (did actually go and search for the crying to sleep one after people mentioned it) Letting my daughter play out side I have been criticised to my face about that and also the tv watching I have a very opinionated friend who never let her child watch tv before 3 at all she has lectured me about this and if mine so much as run around a little bit hyper (which all kids do) she will put it down to the tv watching. Oh and someone has said to me that my first was a difficult baby because I had drugs while in labour.
I agree there is not always mainstream advice for what is the right way to do something but even when there is e.g breast is best it shouldn't be forced on people because it can make others feel bad.
But I don't think I would ever say to someone who did different to me that my way was right and they were wrong but I find some people do.

There is also something's I wish I had done with mine with hindsight and and lots of things I wish I hadn't. I think it is all down to trial and error. And yes if struggling or lost for ideas it is good to ask advice or for others experience I am open to suggestion...

Raising children seems to be a science now instead of mothers instinct.

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