What do you tell tinies about 'stranger danger'?

[latrucha]

I watch DD like a hawk, but there is always a chance of her going astray, isn't there? Now, something just happened in the supermarket to freak me out involving someone I don't know but have noticed and been susicious of for a long time now. After today, I am extremely suspicious of him.

I realised I haven't ever really told her anything about saftey except to stay with mummy. If she did get lost she wouldn't have a clue what to do.

So what do you tell really young children about what to do if they get lost and / or someone approaches them?

DD has just turned 4. I feel I have been remiss so help me now!

I dont think you should say that, just go to the police and dont enagage with him.

I wouldn't advise LO's to go to a policeman if lost - a small child wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a policeman and a security guard and someone in a bright yellow coat. There have been a few high profile dodge pots who have been security guards.

I would recommend another woman with a child/children or just a women. I know not all men are bad but I think women instinctively would be better at handling that sort of situation. Men might freak out a bit. Maybe.

Just to make clear, I only used the term 'stranger danger' so that people on here would now what I'm talking about quickly. I wouldn't use it with DD.

I think I need to have a plan worked out for if he approaches me as we are often the only ones on the playground and I'm not prepared to deprive DCs of playground over something that could be nothing. I have my mobile in my pocket but I also think I need to be mentally prepared to say something.

DD is 4

On the lost thing I said tell a mummy or daddy or go into a shop and tell the person who is working at the till.

I always told mine never to go off with anyone they did not know. If lost approach someone in uniform, and to tell them their name so the person could make an announcement.

Make a game of spotting a person who "belongs" in the shop or store, along with a few "what if" conversations

I hate all the "never speak to strangers", saying "hello" or making a small discreet (as in not blabbing your name, address, vital info) conversation with a stranger never harmed any child and is a good life skill. Also it means anyone who finds your errant child is much more likely to be able to put them at their ease.

As for the OP it does seem odd that you keep encountering this man, I think you have to go with your instincts. Any chance of a chat with another parent who may also have noticed him, not implying at all that there should be gossiping or vigilante style action, but someone may know him or his story.

shirleycat1 - I think the only reason men might "freak out" in that position is because we know the assumptions that some people will jump to if we are seen talking to a child that isn't our own.

It is clear from some of the comments on here that children are being told it is only safe to approach a "mummy" for help. For that reason I'm afraid i would feel a lot of social pressure to ignore my natural instinct to go and help a child just in case they started screaming stranger danger at me!

I don't condemn it or blame parents for that, people do what they do to protect their children. I just feel very sad that I would feel I have to find a "responsible woman" to deal with the situation rather than sorting it out myself. It helps encourage the feeling that men and children aren't really supposed to mix, and it also encourages the feeling that dealing with children is "women's work" and that men are better off out of it or at least under supervision!

Op- what do you think this man might do?

I don't have any idea. Before yesterday I had simply decided I didn't want to make his acquaintance - we live in a small town and I'm on 'morning' terms with lots of people. However, I decided not to do this with him on gut instinct and because I saw him oddly frequently by playgrounds. Probably unfair, I acknowledge.

Being followed into and round a supermarket is not very comfortable, though and has made me more wary. I think it's most likely he just wants to be friends in a misjudged kind of way, but I don't want to be friendly with him, which is my prerogative

Of course it is your prerogative- and it sounds horrible. I think I was just wondering what you meant by being prepared for "if he approaches you". It sounds almost as if you think he might attack you.....do you?

The notion that stranger= danger is a very warped viewpoint.
children are more at risk from people they know. The idea that all strangers and for that you could substitute men, are just waiting for the right time to whisk a child away, is just plain ridiculous. Most people are not any sort of threat at all. The concept of stranger has done our children more harm than good. take the tragic example of the little girl that managed to escape from her nursery and was found drownwd in a pond. turns out a man had seen her but had done nothing because he was afraid of being accused of being a paedophile.

We are teaching DD to be friendly, to not be afraid to engage people in conversation, say at the supermarket checkout. We're of the opinion that the more we teach her about appropriate contact and behaviour the more likely she is to know when someone is being inappropriate. We're also hopeful that instilling confidence in her will mean she won't 'freeze' in a scary situation, but will have the confidence to go up to an appropriate person (till lady, shopkeeper, policeman) and ask for help. At the moment she is still on reins most of the time we are out. We're also hopeful that the same confidence will mean she won't be worried about saying no to an adult, e.g. the 'can you help me find my dog' scenario.

I'm also trying to persuade DH to get her one of those special mobile phones for very young children as soon as she's old enough, though of course you can't guarantee coverage.

Ah. What I meant was that all the playgrounds we go to are fenced off. As he seems to have taken the opportunity to go out of his way to attract my attention, I wanted to have a mental plan in case he came into the playground. They are all quite isolated.

I couldn't stop DD talking to strangers if I tried, nor would I wish to. There is generally a three-ring circus round her at the supermarket checkout. However, yesterday made me think I should give her some tools to use if she gets lost. i thought I'd check on here as I didn't want to balls it up and yes, make her scared or view peoplein a different light.

Ah, giving her coping strategies and social skills is entirely different. Children learn by imitation, so she is already learning from you.
Do you think this man may have learning difficulties? He may just be socially incompetent and may be completely harmless. I once overheard a lovely converstion on a train between a man with learning difficulties and a complete stranger he had sat next to. The woman just chatted away and they talked about allsorts, doing laundry, working, food, etc. She had tremendous patience and am sure didn't even realise how lovely she was being.
Maybe the man in the park is just a bit lonely? Seems a big leap to think you need to devise an escape plan if he tries to talk to you.

I have never ever mentioned this to any of my children when they are young - I encourage them to speak to anyone who stops to speak to them and I would rather they see the world like this than become anxious about others. I have never assumed that anyone means them any harm and stats I think would bear this out. Warning them about stranger danger would not prevent an abduction for instance so there is no point even going there with a very little child.

I do suspect that that is exactly the sort of person he is, although it's not obvious from his appearance but I didn't know quite how to say it. That is why I thought nothing of it, or not much, until yesterday. Being followed is not nice. It is likely to be innocent but it has made me uncomfortable.

Nesbo - I don't think that there are more nonces in the world now than there ever was and I encourage social interaction with my children and men and women of all ages, cultures, etc. However teaching children to approach a woman will reliably enhance their safety. It is highly unlikely that a woman will be a sexual predator (that's not saying it's likely a man will be). Also if a woman is approached it is likely that they she will stop whatever she is doing and commit fully to that child and not rest until they are safe. A man might may take the child over to a worker, a woman is more likely to stay involved and see it through.

Maybe that's not politically correct but I don't care. The fact is in all cultures and at all ages and at all times in history men are more violent than women.

"If you're ever lost go to a woman" works because it's practical ( there will most probably always be a woman around, and simple (easy to teach, easy to learn, easy to do). I'd give that advice to an adult woman as well.

And Latrucha is right, children are FAR more at risk from people they know!

I think regardless you should be polite but very clearly not enaging with him and be sure not to make any accusations to him directly or have an escape plan unless you feel directly threatened. Do you think you will talk to the police just to make them aware? even if he is innocently there as has been suggested which is the most probable cause he is then making himself very vulnerable from people who may approach him in a more direct accusating manner. thats why talking to the police either way would be the most sensible action for you to take.

Er - seems naive I think to take the view that because this man may have learning difficulties/be lonely/be innocent until proven guilty and he has human rights too you should put aside your gut instincts and not take the steps you think are right not to protect your child. Why should you have to feel wary about going to the playground when he is hovering outside the fence on the times when you are the only ones there? If you think things have happened too often for it to just be coincidence it may be worth speaking to the police about him, possibly having quietly taken his photo on your phone (which may be quite a good way of deterring him, actually, if he does have shady motives). Unless he is actually stalking you your information will not lead to any negative consequences for him, but may have a preventative use, particularly if there have been similar incidents involving other children and/or he is actually already on the sex offenders' register. The diary idea is a good one too. If this turns into harassment on more than one occasion that is in itself a criminal offence.