What do you tell tinies about 'stranger danger'?

[latrucha]

I watch DD like a hawk, but there is always a chance of her going astray, isn't there? Now, something just happened in the supermarket to freak me out involving someone I don't know but have noticed and been susicious of for a long time now. After today, I am extremely suspicious of him.

I realised I haven't ever really told her anything about saftey except to stay with mummy. If she did get lost she wouldn't have a clue what to do.

So what do you tell really young children about what to do if they get lost and / or someone approaches them?

DD has just turned 4. I feel I have been remiss so help me now!

rita. I tell my dd if she is lost to stay where she is and do not move for anyone and if someone attempts to make her move scream shout stamp, starnger!!! stranger!!! Help!!! Help!!! and make as loud a fuss as she can. I tell her to stay where she is as I am more likely to find her if she stays in one spot.

apparently "stranger" or "fire" gets more heads turned than "help" but dunno if that's true?

latruch I would go to the police station and talk to them about this man and give them a description, if he is known they can flagg it up with any known authorities, probation mappa etc, if he is not then hopefully they can put some pcsos in and around the parks to notice him.

One tip I got off MN, was to write your mobile number on their leg or forearm, so that if you get separated in a shop, your LO just goes to the till and shows the number.

I didn't tell my kids about 'stranger danger' when they were tinies - didn't want to freak them out. I held their hands or had them on reins when we were in crowded areas. I tried to coach them to recall their name, address and our mobile number (which they could do at about 4-5 years). I told them that in shops, to go to a lady at the till or another mummy with children (no failsafe, but statistically a safe bet).

Given that most victims of sexual abuse know their abusers, we try to tell them that they should always tell the truth, that they never need to have a secret from their parents (we will always love them, whatever etc.) We try to teach them that the areas covered by their pants are private, only for them to touch, but equally try not to make them feel self-conscious or ashamed.

Now that DS1 is older I tell him that he is never to get in a car without asking his parents first, and that if anyone stops to talk to him and his brother, he should say, "Sorry but I'm not allowed to talk to strangers" politely, and leg it home. But I don't labour the point as he is not allowed out unsupervised yet anyway.

It is really hard to get the balance, but to be honest the thing that worries me most is the lunatic drivers who think that 40mph is OK in a residential area. [bangry]

Does anyone else think I need to speak to someone about this bloke?

I would keep a record of when you see him. You might find you are blowing it all out of proportion in your head. Or you might find that it is a lot more than coincidence can account for. Either way, a written record of "sightings" won't hurt. Just keep a notepad and pen to write down the date, time and location.

Good idea. I'll do that.

Stranger danger is no longer at all recommended as a way to protect children. It usually just frightens them.

Also, they are in more danger from someone who isn't a stranger as most abuse is done by someone the child knows.

Instead talk about good and bad touching and good and bad secrets.

Telling them to not go look for a puppy is like telling them to not eat the chocolate you just handed them. It's been proven to not work!

This blog post, by a MN Blogger explains what I am trying to say really well!

it does work actually, when year 2s are taught it and re tested by an actor in year 5 it has stuck and they shout stranger danger instead of going to look for the puppy

to me saying don't teach stranger danger because we all know abuse happens more often by known people, is like saying don't teach water safety because accidents are more likely to happen in the kitchen

Latrucha, from what you say, it is not implausible that this person might be hanging around trying to 'befriend' you or establish contact. However, no one is guilty until proven innocent, and your DD is at an age where she is under adult supervision at all times (I imagine), so it's not really an issue for you to stress about. However, the idea of jotting down your sightings/suspicions can't do any harm. If I thought the person in question had found out where I lived, I might then contact the police, as it does sound like a borderline stalker.

As your DD gets older, you can train her (as other posters have said) not to go anywhere with any adults, to tell you or one of the supermarket staff if she is approached etc. You can even warn her to avoid that particular individual - when she is old enough not to be freaked out by it. Even when she is of an age where she might be out without you, you can insist that she stick with a friend etc.

I agree with all that I used the term 'stranger danger' as anyone scanning active convos would know what I meant succinctly.

I started discussing with DD what she would do if she couldn't find me. I told her not to leave the area / shop alone or with anyone else as there is no way I would have left her. I told her to go to the till and tell if she was in a shop.

I do believe it will be in one ear and out the other though, at 4.

you can ask the supermarket to follow him with their cameras, they do that and things like face recognition are being rolled out in supermarkets so they can have him on their watch list so he can't do any harm there

I think asking a supermarket to put someone, who for now we have to fairly categorize as an innocent stranger, on their "watch list" is escalating the situation far beyond what it's currently called for.

stranger danger isn't about telling children that all strangers are dangerous and all known people are safe, in fact in the delivery when it's done right children are taught that "known" familiar people can be essentially strangers.

if that's your experience then the delivery was very wrong, it's about the potential dangers that you could encounter with some strangers

like with dogs, you don't teach them that all dogs are viscous and they should live in fear of them, you teach them that some COULD be and this is how you behave around dogs you don't know. Same for stranger danger

Latrucha - you could try role playing the 'lost in a shop' scenario with some soft toys and a toy till at home. Sometimes that helps things stick.

OP I had similar concerns, and as my DH also had a strong aversion to the man concerned,it prompted us too,to have the "stranger danger" chats with our dds (then 3 and 5,now 4 and just turned 7).My worry was that that they might not see someone they see about as a stranger at all,so we emphasised that they must never go anywhere,with anyone,even a good friend or relative without actually hearing us say to them that it was ok. I've said that I would never let anyone take them anywhere out of my sight without telling the dds directly myself first.
I have tried to talk about how long it takes to really get to know someone properly,and that people we may say hello to every day are still people we don't know yet. I've also said that if anyone ever tells them not to tell their Mummy something ,then that is a bad person as everyone kind knows that children can tell their Mummy anything. (this did cause DD an upset when one of her friends said to her "My Mummy has a big bottom but don't tell anyone....." she was really worried, so i've had to clarify that a bit !)

Oh and I've said if lost ask a parent with children,or an older lady,to help, or go to the till in a shop.

I'd contact your local neighbourhood policing team about the man, it may be from the description that they know who he is and it may be an innocent explanation but that's what the PCSO's on the neighbourhood team are there for.

Regarding children being lost, we did role play about who to approach and how the only people who can come and get her from somewhere without mummy, daddy or grandparents are the mummies of X, Y or Z.
All very close friends of ours and might be needed to step in due to an emergency but all as well known to her as family.

maybe it should be re named stranger SAFETY rather than stranger danger, like home safety, fire safety etc

Thanks all. I'm off to bed now. I'm going to carry on as before ignoring him, but note down how often I see him.

I've also decided on what I'm going to say to him if he really tries to engage me: that I see him around alot and is there a reason for it, and if he denies all knowledge I'll say we both know that's untrue, that it's to stop and if it carries on I'll go to the police.

I tell DD to sit down on the floor if she gets lost and sing the silliest song she can think of as loud as she can. It's usually 'on the ning nang nong'

If I don't come and she still can't find me, she should ask someone in a shop, a uniform or a person with children. Mummy or Daddy (DP initally told her to look for a Mummy, until I pointed out how ridiculous that was, and asked him wasn't he a safe person to help a lost child)

She should never go anywhere with anybody unless I tell her it's okay first. Even if the person said they'd spoken to me, I promise never to send someone she doesn't know to get her without telling her FIRST, so that person would be telling a lie and she should find another person (as above) to help her.

I think telling them about "stranger danger" is wrong. They are not actually in any appreciably danger from anyone- but they are more likely ( although not likely at all) to come to harm at the hands of someone they know.

The important thing to teach them is that it's OK to say "no" to grown ups. And that any grownup who gets t all upset at a "no" is not a nice grown up. A nice grown up will understand that the child hqd to say no. A nasty one won't- so getting upset qt the no is a sign of being a nasty grown up. This may cause a few problems with persistent grandmas wanting kisses, but hey ho. Collateral damage.

And that it's absolutely fine to talk to anyone if they have a trusted grown up with them.

It depends on the child-there is no way I could have sat on the floor singing-I was much too shy!