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Original poster

Should I take my 10 year old to visit her Father who is dying of cancer? Or

48 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2012 14:28

My ex is terminally I'll in hospital and is close to the end of life. She visited a week ago when he was a bit better but it was still very traumatic. He has tubes in neck and has very swollen face. I just don't know what to do. I'm very upset. We have been apart for 8 years now and she has not had so much contact with him over the last 2 years.

OP posts:
ben5 · 21/01/2012 14:34

very hard but I think I would take her. Is she old for her age?

Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2012 14:39

Not especially. I have just talked it through with her and I don't think she wants to go. But when he dies she might regret not having gone again to see him. I really don't know what to do for the best.
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 21/01/2012 14:43

How difficult for you all.

It might be worth contacting the McMillan nurses to see what their advise us.

A friend of DHs didn't visit his dieing father (he was 15 at the time) and 20 years later he bitterly regrets his decision.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 21/01/2012 14:48

I think you have to go with what she wants and then help to reinforce that that was the right decision for her to make in the circumstances. Regret is awful but you have to remember that what you did at the time was the right thing to do then and that, at the time, it was properly considered.

If she visited last week and found it traumatic, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go again.

What has she said about the potential next visit?

jaffacake2 · 21/01/2012 14:49

I am so sorry that your daughter is losing her father and that you are losing someone who was once close to you. It must be painful for you both.
My nephews visited my brother regularly when he was in a hospice dying of brain cancer together with the rest of the family. They were 10 and 12 at the time. We all grieved together and I think it helped them come to terms with his death. There were times when they didnt want to go but we did encourage them and they remember some of the days when he was lucid and could tell them how much he loved them.
Hope you stay strong to support her but also to care for yourself.

kitbit · 21/01/2012 14:50

I think you should take her. She is old enough to understand what's happening and it'll make it easier to come to terms with it when she loses him. Agree that she will regret not getting to say her goodbyes even if she doesn't actually say the word.

We took ds (7) to see his Grandpa just before he died. Tricky decision but turned out ok and ds has said himself that he got to spend 'a last day' with Grandpa which he will always remember. It also helped when Grandpa passed away as it was more 'real' and not an abstract concept he couldn't grasp.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 21/01/2012 14:56

Framey - sorry to hear he's close to the end of his life now and DD is so confused about what you do, you too. It's even more difficult when she hasn't had much contact with him in the last two years isn't it.

I would try talking to her and ask her (if you haven't already) if there is anything she would like to say to him or ask him while he is still alive, remind her that this is her last chance to do that & explain to her that when she grows up she might regret not going to say good bye to him when she could.

I doubt he will look much different/worse now than he did a couple of weeks ago - so she's already been through the shock/worst of it.

However, if you talk her through it and she's adamant she doesn't want to go to say good bye - then just go with that and later on, if she does have regrets you can reassure her that she made the right decision for her at the time.

I'm sorry she's having to go through this - such a lot of conflict & upset for a young girl :(

Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2012 15:27

Thanks, she has started making him a card and she has asked if I will take it to the hospital for her. I haven't told her that he will definitely die yet. I have just said that he is getting more ill. His sister has just messaged me to say that she feels it would be very upsetting for DD to see him as he is now, but as I haven't seen him I'm not sure why that is. I've asked her to explain why, I know his breathing is much worse. I'm thinking if I take her card in and see him I can asses whether it is going to be appropriate for her to go and see him.
I don't really know how to say he is not going to get better. Bit tricky to talk to her a t the moment as she has a friend here for a sleepover.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2012 15:31

Oh and I also feel very worried about going to see him, I'm really frightened of how I will react. I've been 4 times and each time I felt like running away. DD only been once. We are having a particularly crap time as we had another death in my close family over Christmas and my Mum also has cancer at the moment. It's all a lot to take in for a ten year old. I don't know whether to try to protect her from it all.

OP posts:
BerylOfLaughs · 21/01/2012 15:32

I think you have to be honest with her and tell her that he is dying. She can't make a proper decision without all the facts. Then discuss it, let her make her decision and encourage her that whatever she chooses is fine.
If she was traumatised last time then I doubt she will choose to go again anyway. Take the card for her and prepare to console her when he does die. So sorry for you both, it must be so hard.

heliumballoon · 21/01/2012 15:36

If she saw him last week and is not desperate to see him again, personally I would not take her again.

I speak from experience of seeing my own father dying last year. He did not know we were there, his breathing was very laboured, tubes and machines everywhere... I am 26 years older than your DD and found it v traumatic. His sister is probably trying to tell you something as well about his deterioration.

I would agree though with the previous post that she needs to understand that it is good bye not get well time.

So sorry you are in this ghastly situation.

KnockDiddyKnockKnock · 21/01/2012 15:38

How awful. I have a 10 year old too and I can't imagine how I would deal with this. Could you get advice from somebody at the hospital?

I'm so sorry. I really feel for both you and DD Sad

perfectstorm · 21/01/2012 17:05

Maybe Winston's Wish could offer advice? They're a charity for bereaved children and are set up to support children like your daughter (and you, in supporting her).

I'm so sorry for you all. While your focus is on her, it must also be horrendous for you. Take care of yourself as well as your DD.

perfectstorm · 21/01/2012 17:07

" 08452 03 04 05 - Winston's Wish national helpline offering support, information and guidance to all those caring for a child or young person who has been bereaved."

I think they'll have expertise on all the plusses and minuses, and I imagine it might be good just to be able to talk it all through with someone.

spudinvasion · 21/01/2012 17:25

I know everyone is different but if it helps, my BF passed away 4 years ago. Her DS was 12 at the time and he was asolutely resolute that he did not want to go and see her in the hospice. He knew she was going to die, they were extremely close. He based his decision on the fact that he did not want the last time he saw her to be upsetting or traumatic. He said he would rather remember her how she was when she was at home.

I know things are more complicated for you and your DD but he has never regretted not seeing her just beofre she died.

I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this.

prettywhiteguitar · 21/01/2012 19:05

I have to admit I am glad I didn't see my dad at the end of his struggle with cancer, I saw him a couple of months before he died and that is indelibly printed on my mind. I'm glad I didn't see him die and have all the memories of him before he was ill.

My mum also regrets seeing him after he died, its different for everyone but I think if she's reluctant then certainly don't push it, it could leave her with images that she cant get rid of

CroissantNeuf · 21/01/2012 19:13

Is there any involvement, care or support from the local hospice with your ex?

If so they have fantastic family support teams, childrens groups etc that could offer advice and support for your DD.

(BTW hospices can be involved without a patient even going into the hospice so don't presume that if he is in hospital that they are not involved in his end of life care. Maybe ask his sister)

Northernlurker · 21/01/2012 20:36

I think you must tell her he is at the end of his life. It will be painful but you know this is happening and if you don't tell her you run the risk of her always regretting things and blaming you for keeping the truth from her. Far, far worse things than seeing her upset now. Tell her what you expect to happen and then let her decide what she wants to do. She's losing her father, there is no pain-free option unfortunately. You MUST be honest with her.

thirtysomething · 21/01/2012 20:47

Agree with Northern. However painful it is to tell her he will not get any better, she is likely to deal with his death far better in the long run if you tell her now. I think if you're not brutally honest with her at that age, she may well hold it against you and punish herself for not putting two and two together.

Whether she sees him again or not she should have the option with full knowledge of the facts - it's the only bit of control she has left in this horrible situation :(

exoticfruits · 21/01/2012 20:48

I would get some advice. They are all different, but I knew a woman of about 50 with mental health problems. Her father died when she was 10yrs and she wasn't told he was dying. She punished her mother by being vile to her as a teenager and then her mother died when she was about 17yrs. She carried a lot of guilt and was very mixed up. Talk to her and also get any professional support/advice going.

DeeCrepitude · 21/01/2012 20:56

Desparately sad situation for you all, especially with the added stress of your mum.

I would gently explain that her dad is nearing the end of his life and let that sink in. That may motivate her to want to visit him, although it might be hard for her to really come to grips with the fact he's not going to be around for much longer. Denial can kick in.

I wouldn't encourage her to go if it wasn't what she wanted. Is he conscious and able to hold a conversation with her? Does he want to say "goodbye"?

Dh and I have been haunted by the condition of MIL who died a few months ago of cancer. We were close and it was good to be with her at the end but it was harrowing and we work hard to remember her in happier times.

Remembering her dad when he was well may be a healthier approach for your dd to help her move forward. Have they ever had any good times together? Could you focus on these rather than his sad end of life?

Northernlurker · 21/01/2012 20:59

Btw I don't think her deciding NOT to see him would be the 'wrong' answer. It may very well be the right thing for her. The important thing is she makes that choice in full possession of the facts. I know two sisters who had to decide whether to be in the house as their mother was dying. They were both clear they didn't want to be there and that was the right choice for them, in the years since it seems they still feel that was the right choice.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 21/01/2012 20:59

You have to tell her the truth.

TheHouseofMirth · 21/01/2012 21:11

You must tell her he is dying. She is old enough to understand what this means and as his death is inevitable, trying to protect her at this stage is pointless (though understandable).

However, if she is still certain she doesn't want to see him then I think that's a good choice. When she grows up it is likely she will always be sad that her daddy died when she was a child and that she didn't know him better. When faced with that I don't think it really matters whether or not she saw him one last time and when she grows up she may not remember that she didn't, but if this last meeting is going to distress her because of his condition it is likely that will stay with her forever

Birdsgottafly · 21/01/2012 21:19

My DH died when my children were 16, 10 and 8. I told them that he was not going to live, he had been a good dad. I didn't take them (10 &8 year olds) to see him when he was very ill and as you describe, at the end.

The sight of him in this state may haunt your DD. Given that she has not had much contact with him, i would think twice about taking her. Allow her to be as involved in the funeral arrangements as possible, though.

I don't think that she needs to see him in that state, under the circumstances, i worked in palliatative care, also.

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