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Parenting

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Original poster

Should I take my 10 year old to visit her Father who is dying of cancer? Or

48 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2012 14:28

My ex is terminally I'll in hospital and is close to the end of life. She visited a week ago when he was a bit better but it was still very traumatic. He has tubes in neck and has very swollen face. I just don't know what to do. I'm very upset. We have been apart for 8 years now and she has not had so much contact with him over the last 2 years.

OP posts:

FooFooForgetMeNot · 21/01/2012 21:22

Yes, do tell her he is nearing the end of his life.

But jmo, she has seen him and found it traumatic and he has subsequently worsened. As someone who nursed their dying mother at 17, I don't think I would expose her to that again, some indelible images are haunting ones.

I would tell dd you will take her card and place in OH's hand and tell him who it is from. And that he was comforted by it.

Hassled · 21/01/2012 21:27

I agree that she probably shouldn't see him again - but if she does decide she wants to, you must let her. Just don't encourage it.

I do think you should tell her that he won't get better, though. It will soften the blow slightly - there will be at least some preparedness. I lost my mother young, and DB and I were told by a doctor that she wouldn't recover - I do think it helped us, and I've always been grateful to the one doctor who had the courage to talk to us about it.

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2012 21:46

thanks for all your messages. I have just been to the hospital with the card she made and we also made a photo frame with special photos in for him. When I got to the ward he had visitors already and it turned out that I was too upset to go in and see him so I sat in the nurses room with the nurses and the lovely nurse who is looking after him talked to me.

He can not really talk now and he is quite confused now apparently, he is breathing through a tube in his neck and on oxygen. She said that the hospice team are coming on Monday to help him go to his sister's home as he is desperate to get out of hospital. The nurse took my phone number to pass on to the hospice people and she they would halp me to talk to DD and be able to advise me.
I know I have to tell her but I will do it tomorrow as she has her friend sleeping over now and they are having fun and happy. I have told her that he has cancer this afternoon (before that I did not want to tell her this because she might be scared so I have just said he has something wrong with his throat) and she was very upset and crying but she seems quite happy now.
Hassled, will let her go if that is what she decides.
Life is so shitty sometimes.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 21/01/2012 21:52

Is it cancer of the oesophagus then? I'm so sorry One of dd's friends lost her dad to that a couple of years ago.

The card and the photos sounds lovely. Yes, you're right to tell her tomorrow and then see what's next. Probably best for her to go to school on Monday unless she feels strongly that she can't. You need to tell her teacher though if you haven't already. I made a mistake when my bil was diagnosed with his terminal illness. I told the kids, was honest with them, thought they were ok and didn't mention it to school - which left dd2's teacher picking up the pieces one day when dd got very upset out of the blue.

DeeCrepitude · 21/01/2012 22:06

It's so natural for us parents to want to shield our dc from painful truth like cancer and death, but unfortunately in this case it's unavoidable. Your dd will be upset but the death of a parent is a part of life that has to be contended with for everyone - just particularly sad as she's so young. And if you tell her now it will give her just enough time to decide to visit him if that's what she wants.

Maybe you need to think about what it would add to her well-being if she visited - what would be the positives, and what it would add to you ex's well-being also. Difficult. I hope you are getting some RL support and find some peace in all this.

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2012 22:40

It's lung cancer but has spread to his throat and is blocking the airway.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 21/01/2012 23:05

Bil had lung cancer too. Foul disease.

MCos · 22/01/2012 00:58

Op - my sympathies to you and your DD.
My DM passed away 2 years ago with cancer, so I can understand somewhat what you are feeling.

I think it is important that your DD understands that her dad will die shortly. Very, very tough stuff for both of you. Let her make the call on whether she says goodbye or not. And support her 1000% (that extra 0 is there on purpose) on whatever she decides. There is no right answer on this.

I will add that kids are extremely adaptable. They often accept/get over situations that we struggle with. But your reaction to her decision will definitely impact her.

Good luck, and stay strong.

mummyduff · 22/01/2012 09:12

FrameyMcFrame I feel so desperately sorry for you both :(
I have a 9 year old and cannot imagine how I would make this decision, but trust your instincts you sound like an amazing mum.

hugs coming your way x

matana · 22/01/2012 15:30

My heart goes out to you all in such a very difficult situation.

My family kept the fact that my nan was dying a secret from me when i was 12 and i found out by piecing together little clues and then overhearing a conversation. It was awful and i have never forgotten it. She died the day a day or two after i found out and i have always regreted not seeing her one last time.

I know it's not quite the same, but i do think kids of that age need to know the truth however hard it is because then they feel more in control of the situation. With full facts she can make up her own mind and you should respect her decision.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/01/2012 15:54

Framey - I am really sorry to hear about your Mum, I will keep my fingers firmly crossed for a really good outcome for her.

It will be a very difficult conversation for you to have with DD, but she needs to know how ill he is and that he is nearly at the end of his life. She has to make her decision with all the facts - not thinking she can see him when he gets better :(

You can't protect her from this, he is going to die, all you can do is give her all the information so she can choose for herself what she wants to do.

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 22/01/2012 18:20

Ok I'm going to talk to her this eve, difficult day as she's been with friends all day.

OP posts:

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 22/01/2012 18:35

I spoke to Winston's Wish to get advice when DD's Dad was dying of cancer, she was 11 and her Mum refused to tell her. I rang for advice as was very worried about the situation. They said it was very important she knew the truth and if her Mum didn't tell her, it would most likely impact their future relationship.

Unfortunately, her Dad suddenly went downhill and the DD only knew 24 hours before he went what was happening when my DD told her about the cancer by accident, thinking she knew. She seemingly coped well at the time but in a burst of temper has since shoved her mother shouting that she told everyone else about her Dad but her. Also she is having panic attacks and developing what to the rest of us are worrying OCD symptoms.

You are absolutely doing the right thing telling her. So sorry you are all going through this.

xkatyx · 22/01/2012 18:57

Speaking from experience , I saw my nan just before she died when I was about 11. I had nightmares for a very long time!! Still scares me now.

3 years ago my dad passed away from lung cancer and still wake up sometimes crying over what I saw and it upsets me so much thinking about it.

But that's me .. I'm proberly sensitive. But on the other hand I don't know how I would of felt not seeing my dad before, and that's a adult point of view!!!!

I know I defenetly could of done without seeing my nab if I'm honest.

I hope you and your dd stay strong I'm sorry you have to go trough a awful situation.

eatyourveg · 22/01/2012 19:08

wind the clock forward a few years to when your dd is older, do you think your dd is more likely to regret having seen him or regret not having seen him. A sad situation to which there is no right or wrong answer.

QuickLookBusy · 22/01/2012 19:51

I agree with the posters who have said how traumatic it is to see someone dying from cancer. I still have nightmares after seeing my dear Dad.

I wouldn't take her unless your ex is very very peaceful.

QuickLookBusy · 22/01/2012 19:53

Sorry pressed SEND too soon, I wanted to add that I'm so sorry you are going through this and if DD needs help afterwards that there are lots of charities out there. I'm sure the hospice would beable to point you in the right direction.

whenskiesaregrey · 22/01/2012 20:00

I think as your DD is at an age where she will remember, I think its important she gets to see him. And at least know what is happening. In a couple of years she will understand this time and will look back on it with more empathy, and it might upset her that she didn't go.

You will need to prepare her though and explain to her what she might see; what his breathing is like and what tubes are for etc.

I feel for you, what a very sad thing to be going through. It really is horrible, especially at the end :(

Napdamnyou · 22/01/2012 20:19

I think you need to tell her he's dying, explain that he looks very poorly, which is upsetting but underneath he is her daddy just the same, and he loves her, and why he is breathing strangely, what tubes are for, why he is sleepy (special strong medicine etc), and ask then if she would like to say goodbye, or write a letter, or record a video message instead. I think preparing her as much as you can and going to see nurse first, answering all questions as much as you can is key.

So sorry for you all.

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 22/01/2012 21:17

Well I have told her. She is very upset obviously. Lots of questions but I was a little bit prepared for them after reading the advice and info on Winstons Wish website.

She has seen her Dad in hospital already (2 weeks ago) and it was a fairly disturbing experience for all of us even then. He could hardly speak at that point and his face and arm all down one side were very swollen, to the point ofnot looking like himself. Even so we had a quite jolly afternoon and they had a few cuddles and talked. Both said I love you etc. It was relaxed and happy. I think that is a nice memory for both of them and I think putting her in the situation of seeing him now, unable to breathe and confused/in and out of consciousness would be defeating the object really.

The card she made plus photos have been well appreciated apparently and his sister tells me he was very pleased to read it. I've told DD that, and she's made another one which I'll take over tomorrow.
I will let her go and see him if she really wants but I'm nit going to actively encourage or suggest it. That's the best I cam come up with at the moment but the hospice people are going to talk to me tomorrow and I can hopefully get some more advice there.
Thanks for all the messages, I can see both sides of it logically but going with my instincts and knowing DD. We all react differently to these things.

OP posts:

DeeCrepitude · 22/01/2012 21:37

Aww, well done, framey, dreadful thing to have to deal with. It sounds as though you have ptiched it just right and been very wise. Yes, trust your instincts.

I hope your dd can talk things through with you at her own pace and come to the right decisions for her. At least she feels actively involved in sending cards etc that are meaning a lot to him.

She'll take a lot of comfort and security from the calm way you are dealing with things and answering questions. Thinking of you.

Northernlurker · 23/01/2012 08:13

Well done for telling her. I agree it may be best for her not to go but only she can really say what she needs to do - and then you will just have to help her through it. At the moment it sounds like she will manage with the cards etc.

I think YOU are doing great btw. What a hard thing to face - and you are being so sensible and loving. You're a great mum. Your dd is losing her dad but I'm sure he will be drawing comfort from the fact that his daughter is so well mothered. Have you got any support for you though? Friends etc? Don't be afraid to talk to the hospice people about your feelings as well.

AdiVic · 23/01/2012 13:51

Ahhh, poor girl. Heartbreaking for her, and hard for you. I went through this wen I was 8. I visited my mum up till the end, and strangely only remember her looking beautiful and healthy (strange how the mind works). Your girl may be different as she is slightly older. One thing I do remember, and I was bitter about for years was the fact my dad lied and said Jesus would make her better - I always saw it as a lie, and not a parent trying to reassure. My grandad was quite hard and told me that I needed to be a strong girl as mummy was going on a long journey, and wouldnt' be around. Personally this approach worked for me. If she is nervous about seeing him, get her to write letters or something and visit for very short periods of time, maybe she will ask to stay, but in years to come she won't remember the time scale she was there, only that she did see him. I didnt' go to my mums funeral, instead i went and rode her horse, which was nice. I never regretted not going, and I would hesitate to make a youngster see other people crying etc, but she may want to. Good luck, and be prepared for her mixed emotions after xx

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