Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DD Facebook trauma

99 replies

brutusbaldwin · 20/01/2012 18:48

Hi there,

DD(12) has been going on and on about having FB. I have said no for two reasons 1) you have to be 13 and 2) I think it opens one up to bullying and general nastiness.

All of her friends have it.
Anyway I discovered through a friend that she had started up an account the day before yesterday. I asked her and she confessed straight away. she showed me and she has done everything correctly i.e. used all privacy settings etc.

I was fuming that she had gone behind my back and made her deactivate the account. She of course is not speaking to me and I am of course the 'worst mother in the word'.

She says she is the odd one out, she feels babyish that she isn't allowed it (even one of her friends that has strict parents has it).
AIBU ?

DOn't want to set her apart from her peers, but also don't want to give in now. She says she will be 'friends' with me should she be allowed it so I can monitor it.

She has just started Y7 at a new school, not knowing anyone and is doing well. Does homework etc and has shown she has matured in the last few months.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

cheekychubster · 20/01/2012 23:21

Thats the beauty of the internet, if it pisses you off you shut it down or walk away.
Its a bit like the phone back in my school days, if you didnt like what you were hearing you put it down and cut them off. I still do

Sending your children to school could be seen as a risk. Placing them in an environment of 1300 kids everyday of which i have no control over and they could all potentially be targeting my DD but i still pack her off everyday.

Life is full of potential risk, you teach your children the best ways to minimise that risk and that they can always come to you to if they need to.

I hardly think breaking the age 13 rule constitutes inconsistant parenting

Kellogg · 20/01/2012 23:27

I think that is good advice tranquil.

In some ways I have it easier, dd knows because of my position that she cannot have Facebook . When we caught her with an account it was made very clear that

there was no leeway on this because of my job even if I wanted her to be able to have an account - which I don't
if she had an account she would get caught very quickly.

seeker · 21/01/2012 07:22

Kellogg- why does your job mean that your dd can't have FB?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

WorkingClassMum · 21/01/2012 07:39

When does your DD turn 13?

I am also a stickler about the age limit - and whilst letting your child have an account early doesn't mean you'll set them up for a life of crime, it does send the message that we only obey the rules that suit us.

At this stage I also won't be letting my DC have FB until they are 13, and I have a few years up my sleeve before that is a problem

I have seen some truely horrific things go on on FB, especially when linked with Chat Forums. I've also been to funeral for a young girl who was bullied til she killed herself and some of that was cyber bullying over FB.

My niece had a photo 'stolen' and photo shopped. Luckily her BF saw it before it got too bad - and that was referred to the police and the child expelled.

I do agree with tranquil, and if her birthday is not far off, then maybe set a date half way between now and then and tell her you'll base your decision on her behavior AND an apology for going behind your back

Good luck

Foxinsocks · 21/01/2012 07:43

Dd is in yr7 and has Facebook. There are v v v few people in her class/year who aren't on it.

I'm her friend on there. I see what she posts. A few of her friends have asked to be my friend which is also a timely reminder for me to be careful about what I post!

ragged · 21/01/2012 08:18

I think there's obviously a lot of local variation, some social groups "everyone" is on it & others relatively few.
Whenever I let DC on it I think the main thing is to warn them that it's not private at all & it's like a permanent public record of every time someone is nasty to them or they mouth off about something trivial & might regret it badly later. It's like a screaming notice board about your life & everything you didn't actually want to know about others.

Plus if they join when under 13 they have to falsify DOB, right, so it will be wrong on FB forever, won't it?

CailinDana · 21/01/2012 08:33

I don't really see what the problem is with Facebook. You've seen for yourself that banning your daughter only causes her to be more secretive. Of course you're only trying to protect her but from her point of view you're unreasonably restricting her from a harmless activity that allows her to keep in touch with her friends.

I think you should follow the advice to set up an account that you monitor. Obviously you would need to talk to her, tell her that she should be careful who she is friends with, never accept a request from someone she doesn't know or someone who might just want to be malicious, be careful about putting too much detail about herself, set her privacy to a high level etc. WRT to bullying and facebook - in some ways fb is a godsend to teachers. In my mother's school there was a terrible case of a girl being bullied for ages by one other girl and couple of her friends. My mother tried to sort it out but the girl was very reluctant to speak up and there was no real proof. The idiot bullies posted something very incriminating on the girl's wall, the girl's mother saw it, let the school know, and the bullies were suspended. Bullying on facebook is open for everyone to see. It can sometimes bring hidden bullying to light. It can also be great for children who don't have the best social skills - they can keep in touch with people, play games with them, etc and build up an online friendship which makes it easier to talk face to face.

I think as a parent you have to be very careful about trying to control things that are essentially outside your control. It's very hard to accept but as children get older there will be parts of their life that you can't police, all you can do is arm the child with information and create a relationship where the child can come to you if they have a problem. Creating an account with another user name is very very easy. It's far better that you help the child to create an account and then monitor it - at least that way you have some hope of maintaining some control. Of course as the child gets older you have to stop monitoring too.

CailinDana · 21/01/2012 08:34

Ragged, no it won't be on facebook forever. All they have to do is create a new email address, then create a new account with their correct date of birth.

daenerysstormborn · 21/01/2012 08:42

interesting article here about internet safety

Kellogg · 21/01/2012 09:04

I have quite a senior position in a school.

RustyBear · 21/01/2012 09:06

I went to a conference on child internet safety a little while ago, and they had a teenager talking about social networking - one thing he said really stuck in my mind - that if you are bullied in the playground, it's your word against theirs, if you're bullied on Facebook, you can prove it...

seeker · 21/01/2012 09:08

So you have quite a senior position in a school- so your dd can never be on Facebook? Does not compute- sorry. If it is true it is wildly unfair on your dd.

Kellogg · 21/01/2012 09:08

I agree with the general point that children need to be able to use the Internet safefely and therefore a FB account that you can monitor and gradually step away from is a good idea, starting when they are 13.

Kellogg · 21/01/2012 09:10

No she can be on FB from the age of 13. My dd has to keep the same rules as everyone else.

5babyangels · 21/01/2012 09:12

i agree newbie :)

Bunbaker · 21/01/2012 09:20

"Part of the problems is because they end up adding everyone so they get dragged into things they would not normally get involved in."

I think that is the main problem. I have a presence on Facebook, but don't use it as all the friends and family I want to keep in touch with tend to use the more traditional methods. I only have 13 "friends" on Facebook, but I am not trying to win a popularity contest.

I am very picky about who I accept as a "friend" and have ignored the ones I have no interest in. I am also very aware that anything I write will be in the public domain forever, but I am not a hormonal teenager who gets caught up in online arguments. I find it very easy to keep a distance, but I suspect a teenager wouldn't. This is why I don't want DD (11) to have a Facebook account yet because she isn't able to deal with any nastiness. Seeing something nasty written about yourself is very hurtful and in many ways worse than a verbal bitchy remark because, although you can delete it, it stays with you for longer.

bigTillyMint · 21/01/2012 09:22

DD - 12, in Y8, wants FB. DH who is in a very senior position in a sec school is adamant that she can't have an account till she is 13 (and even then I'm not sure he will cave!) Luckily we have friends (whose DD's are also her friends) who are sticking with the 13 rule, but she will be the last to turn 13, so I envisage quite a bit of stress ahead.

So are parents who are sec school teachers more likely to be negative about FB than other parents due to issues being brought into school? Do many parents find that there are lots of problems because their DC are on FB?

Kellogg · 21/01/2012 09:27

I don't know any teachers who allow they under 13s to have FB, it is something I have discussed with colleagues, after my dd asked me to go on.

Hulababy · 21/01/2012 09:41

I know of a few teachers - from primary and secondary - who have children on fb, even before the 13y rule.

The difference I have seen is not the job a parent has but whether the parent themselves understands fb, uses fb and knows how to do all the security, etc. it can go either way tbh too.

Kellogg · 21/01/2012 10:23

I use Facebook myself and understand how to use it, ironically it is something we teach in PSHE. I just think there is no harm done in waiting and yet harm could be done by allowing a child mot use it too early.

Kellogg · 21/01/2012 10:28

But , yes, it stands to reason that if you use FB you are more likely to let your children use it.

therantingBOM · 21/01/2012 10:28

This is a such a tricky one! I am the very very last person to say that you should give in to a child or teenager if you beleive you are doing the right thing. I also don't go in for this pack mantality of - all the other mums allow it.

However, in the instance of Facebook I have to say that, if managed properly, a 12 year old should be allowed it. My DSD's enitire social life is planned around Facebook. There is one girl in her year who isn't allowed it and she gets left out of so much.

I do think it needs to be monitored and there need to be ground rules. For example - no swearing, no suggestive photos, Mum/ Dad has passwords and will do spot checks, and all friend additions must be passed through a parent with good reasoning as to why they should be added.

I think if they start at 12, this gives a year of building trust before they get to 13 when they are actually allowed to have Facebook as per the rules of the site and hopefully by htis time they will have proved they can be trusted.

If all the above rules are applied - what's the worst that can happen?

timetoask · 21/01/2012 10:33

Op, I would stick with your rule, make her disable the account and tell her that it has to wait.
Your house your rules. What a shame that parent out there are allowing their young vulnerable children to join this site. Personally I hate it and would mind if the whole thing was shut down.

bigTillyMint · 21/01/2012 11:17

SO BOM, would you think it is OK for a 13yo to have FB registered to the parents email account, on the highest privacy settings and with a parent as a friend?

DD goes on FB when with friends who have it - on their accounts AFAIK, so she know how it works, etc. They also had a very good social media day last year at school (followed by a parents workshop) and learned a lot then.

therantingBOM · 21/01/2012 11:31

Yes, if there was still a concern about trustworthiness. Otherwise I think the threat of spot checks would probably suffice.

My DSD has had FB since 11 years and there is no monitoring of it, she is also allowed to swear and post provocative photos which is not acceptible. IMO we need to allow our children/ teens to embrace a world where social meida is king and we can't just pretend it doesn't esist - but it must be done under the parameters of sensible parenting as well.

Flip

1 2 3 4