DD Facebook trauma

[brutusbaldwin]

Hi there,

DD(12) has been going on and on about having FB. I have said no for two reasons 1) you have to be 13 and 2) I think it opens one up to bullying and general nastiness.

All of her friends have it.
Anyway I discovered through a friend that she had started up an account the day before yesterday. I asked her and she confessed straight away. she showed me and she has done everything correctly i.e. used all privacy settings etc.

I was fuming that she had gone behind my back and made her deactivate the account. She of course is not speaking to me and I am of course the 'worst mother in the word'.

She says she is the odd one out, she feels babyish that she isn't allowed it (even one of her friends that has strict parents has it).
AIBU ?

DOn't want to set her apart from her peers, but also don't want to give in now. She says she will be 'friends' with me should she be allowed it so I can monitor it.

She has just started Y7 at a new school, not knowing anyone and is doing well. Does homework etc and has shown she has matured in the last few months.

What would you do?

Dd has a friend who isn't allowed Facebook. Every so often she sets it up and then her parents do a swoop and make her get off it again. It's a pain: whenever there's a party she has to be notified separately, and when dd really wanted to catch up with her and invite her over in the Christmas holidays, and her parents are x directory and she has no Facebook, and no mobile, it just couldn't be done.

Year sevens do have Facebook. And most will have had it a while. Although she shoudnt have gone behind your back, I do sort of see why she did.

Believe me much worse goes on on FB than in he playground. Not least because it is public and permanent.

Think of the upset that happens on here, now throw in a few hormonal pre teens.

At the end of the day Facebook and other websites have the age limit for a legal reason to do with the information they are allowed to collect about a child under the age of 13. it comes under the Children?s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA)

It is hard to take a stand on these things and to have the only child not to have it puts parents in a very difficult situation, but I would stick to your guns. My Mum made my sister wait till she was 13 to have her ears pierced, she let me have them done at 11. Made me think what else will she relent on

Thanks for all your input. i agree 100% that parents should be parents and not friends. But I do always want to encourage her to talk to me, and so far she has done. I am so disappointed that she did it behind my back really- she says she did it because she could see I wasn't giving in and she tried talking to me every night, but I wouldn't budge.

I have deactivated the account. She is not speaking to me and "never will talk to me about stuff again".

I have always talked about online safety and she has just done a homework project on it with me helping her. When I looked at this account it was set up with all the proper privacy settings. And honestly all but 2 of her friends are on it.

Thanks for all the advice- I always lurk on MN but never post and find the different points of view and the advice invaluable. I suspect I will post again as teenage years are approaching. I had forgotten how bitchy girls can be, and how important it is to be in the cool group at that age.

Its definately not been my experience with dd now 21 and dd now 19. Both of them were the first real generation of FB users, Bebo and My space.

I would say its been a good form of communication and very positive.

Of course you get fall outs, thats life unfortunately but they both learnt pretty quick how to deal with it online and in real life. A good life skill!

Do you think that at the magic age of 13 they become automatically better equipped to deal with FB.

Its the new way to communicate and to my DDs if i had banned them from using it they would have been seen as being as odd as those children who had no TV in the house when i was growing up in the 80's.

Girls can be bitchy, thats life. As a parent you do your best to teach them how to make good decisions and how to protect themselves from the dangers of the net.

You cant protect children from everything and shut them off from the reality of living in 2012.

Question :why does FB stipulate age of joining must be 13, just for fun obviously ! parents are allowing and teaching there children not to go along with rules will they also tell there children thats okay to steal from a shhop also as long as they dont get caught!

Oh dear Kitty, maybe we will have to agree to disagree on this one.

I didnt think allowing access to FB before the age of 13 would corrupt my DDs into a life of crime and lack of respect to authority and rules.

Thankfully my judgement as a good parent has been proven right

No arrests so far, lots of good GCSE/A level grades and a definate respect for authority.

Maybe i have just been lucky

I often deal with printouts from Facebook linked to cyber bullying

You are seeing the negative side of fb, students are coming to your or parents are coming to you to help deal with something that has gone wrong.

Do these same parents though contact you to deal with things when they are going right and everything is tickaty boo - I doubt they do, so you get to see only the negative impact and not the positive side. So perhaps your view is screwed?

No, I have spoken so students about Facebook when it is not going wrong. I also overhear students talking about facebook. I also have nephews, nieces etc as well as my daughter.

I disagree that in Year 7 most have Facebook although they do by Year 8 and it is unusual not to have it by year 9.

Of course allowing your child to go on FB will not mean they will end up a criminal matermind. However teenagers friendships area often fraught with heartache and cruelty , even in the most balanced of kids this seems worse on FB.

However on an almost weekly basis I do deal with a FB fallout. I only have about 100 students under my authority ! Shows how often it happens, particularly because in Year 7 I still do not think the majority have it.

so you deal with negative impact of facebook on a weekly basis - is this repeat offenders or different offenders each time?

I am with Seeker on this.

I would allow her to set up an account, with notifications going to your email address, strict privacy controls and regular checks.

It is better for her to have a FB account that you are able to check and ensure her safety, than her to set one up when she is next at her friend's house.

It is extremely naive to think that if you lock down your computer and check the history that you are protecting your child online. With so many children using smartphones, or with unsupervised access to a PC, it is better to be open with the children.

How far is she from 13yo?

Mixture. To be honest in Year 7 because as I said the majority are not on FB it will be the same kids again and again because kids tend to add everyone they know. So the kids will ad everyone in their tutor group or year who is on FB. In Year 8, it involves a wider number of students.

Part of the problems is because they end up adding everyone so they get dragged into things they would not normally get involved in.

My dd cannot connect to the Internet on a phone and has no unsupervised access on a computer.

Kellog
and when they go to a friend's house?

My DD goes to a friend's house and I recently realised that the mum is not pc-savvy and has no child protection measures in place. The girls are allowed to take the laptop up to their room.

And that is one that I know about, and have had a word with because of this revelation.

She does not spend that much time at friends houses, they tend to come here. If she were to go to a friend's house, in theory she could open a Facebook account . However then she could onky log in about once a month. Her best friend, where she spends more time is also not allowed Facebook and even then she is not there that often.

kellogg - your dc doesn't have any unsupervised access to a pc that you know abut.

Statistics on computer use shows that the majority of children do have internet access that their parents are not aware of and that many many children have FB accounts that their parents are unaware of.

No she doesn't. Laptops and work pcs have passwords on. She had a pc in the kitchen for her homework but that has gone now because she abused the freedom we gave her . If she uses a computer to do her homework she does it in he room with us. She has a tablet which she cannot take to her room.

The only time she could get on a pc unsupervised woud be at a friends house and as I said they tend to be at our house more than theirs simply because we have more space.

I cannot guarantee and as I said she did open up an account without our permission which is why we are so strict now .

Tbh if she opened an account she would get chug very quickly because I teach is many if her friends and friends if friends etc. My suspicions were raised last time by a pupil who grassed her up.

Kellogg, do none of your DDs friends have mobiles with internet access?

Your DD wouldnt even have to use her own name or use a pic if she really wanted an account without you knowing.

I've seen lots of silly nicknames on DDs that i dont recognise until i look at the pic.

I'm sure your DD wouldnt but the option is always there if she wanted to!

i think parents are positive about facebook until YOUR child has a problem then its too late, they think it wont happen to their child these parents are putting there children at risk. Just beacause one person does it doesnt mean the rest have to follow thats why were the parents and suposed to have some common sense. My original point was that as parents by allowing our children to break the rules of minium age of 13 on FaceBook YOU are saying rules dont count so the next time as a parent you cant expect your child to understand the reasoning of you can break the rules on minute but not the next. Whilst we ALL talk to our children as to why rules are in place and hopefully ALL have good communication with thier children it is at the end of the day insonsistant parenting, IF more parents worked within a school enviroment they WOULD actually see the true impact of FB not the own small experience.

If she could she would. Afterall she has tried

There is a chance that she could on a friend's computer or phone however the chances are very slim because the opportunities to log on would be rare. It would be pointless. As I said her friends tend to come here rather than her go to their house . There is no phone signal because of where we live and they could not log onto wireless as that is locked. . Also because of my job she would get caught very easily . Sheis still in year 6, I guess she may have more opportunity when she moves to secondary.

It's a different topic and one you will have to face in a few years time but this reminds me of issues we had with DD about going out to pubs/clubs. It seems like many youngsters do this with borrowed or faked ID and, like FB under 13, is wrong but parents have a dilemna about whether to allow it knowing it is wrong or refuse and risk their child being left out or deceiving them.

FWIW on this one we allowed DD to go out before her 18th but with strict rules about where she was allowed, keeping in touch by text, etc and I remember another mother telling me how wrong it was and she would never let her daughter go out, totally unaware that when she thought her DD was at sleepovers she was out drinking and clubbing anyway while her mother had no idea.

Why don't you set a date and tell your DD that if she keeps all the rules until then you will sit and discuss it again at that point with an open mind. That way you aren't giving in but are showing her you care and are not totally inflexible. It also gives you time to think, check with other parents, etc.