Help:sad 12 year old ,exhausted Mum

[Philly]

Feeling really inadaequate here.ds1 has never been one of life's optimists (probably my fault if you believe robert winston!)but things just seem to be getting worse and worse,he seems unable to be happy about almost anything,except perhaps his new bass guitar.
He has just moved up to Senior School and went to the junior dept of the same school,to be honest he wasn't that happy there but everyone kept saying that the Seniors was better etc and to stick it out.He surprised us by really wanting to stay as we had thought about moving him to a slightly smaller school but ever since he got there it has just got worse and worse.I don't know wether it is school,his hormones or just his nature.He says that school is boring and depressing and he hates it ,he has been there since reception and always had a large circle of friends but that seems to be shrinking and although he went up from the juniors they are otnumbered 2:1 by new people and due to split lunch timetables he rarely sees some of his old friends in different classes.
He is the oldest in the year and physically quite mature but is very sensitive now about his weight,he is by no means the only one at this age to have a little extra but he is bothered by it and I think is getting teased mostly because he has quite a round jaw which makes him look bigger than he is.
We could move him to the other school ,which co-incidentally I work at(not on the teaching side) but this seems very drastic especially when he has been there so long (dh is also aGovernor there although this would not stop us moving him)
I just want him to be happy
do all 12 year olds feel like this he says he feels really sad one minute and really happy another,I really am worn out by this he seems to need so much boosting all the time.I also have a ds2 who has SN and ds3 lively 4 year old but I would say that ds1 gets the most 1:1 attention

if school is boring and depressing maybe he isn't being challenged enough? have you spoken to his teachers to see how they think he is getting on? is he doing well in school generally?

if he is unhappy there i would have no qualms about moving him at all. it doesn't matter how long he has been there.

if he is getting teased because of his weight and this is making him unhappy then how about trying to get him eating more healthily and doing some sports or something to lose some. no doubt that would help with his confidence too. also if he oculd do a sports club he might make more friends.

is there any way the school can alter his classes so that he is with mroe of his friends?

He is average work wise ,the school is selective academically with some very bright chidren,he is always talking about how dim he is although the teachers have no concerns other than the fact that he always does the bear minimum.
He eats well,doesn't like fast food,one of fvourite meals is grilled fish and spinich!and plays sport 2 afternoons a week plus rugby on sunday.
Main problem with food is the difficulty of filling him as he doesn't like any carbs ie potoes,rice or pasta,any tips appreciated

BUMP

Just thought I would bump this up agin in case anyone has any new ideas,I really do feel very worried about him.

Could he be depressed Philly?
What does he think the solution is?
You could suggest counselling perhaps

Just a few ideas
HTH

Sounds like he's an adolescent with all the feelings this implies. However, I wouldn't take it too seriously when he says he doesn't want to move. Kids are very conservative. What do YOU think would be best.
For his weight, he needs to eat less fat and sugar and move around more. He may well thin out considerably over the next couple of years - my stepdaugher was a slightly chubby 12 year old and is now a very willowy 14 year old - but he might not. What do you fill him with?

Philly, I have no concrete ideas, but my stepson was very like this at 12-14. Not the particular problems, but seeming to have fewer friends, didn't know what to do with himself and so on. He came out of it really rather suddenly at 14, and looking back it seems clear that his hormones were all over the place and he just needed to adjust. It was the same few years when he did a lot of growing too. He's now a very contented and successful 25 year old.

I don't suppose that really helps, and I realise it's nothing concrete, but it really may just be a phase, and a case of sitting it out and reassuring him as you obviously are (whilst obviously looking out for any other more worrying signs). The only other suggestion I have is whether you can somehow help him to get involved in some kind of communal music- a band where he could play his bass guitar would be ideal, of course, but in general I always feel that if teenagers have some kind of skill or hobby, particularly one they can do with others, they ride these storms a bit more easily.

My son is now 11 and I fear we are in for all this again soon!

I think that he is probably not in the best school for him,he needs nuturing ,a little bit of TLC at times,he is not really the tough love type.But dh thinks that the school he is at is very good and taht he will get used to it,also that we could move him somewhere else and he might not make new friends and although he says he hasn't got many friends really he has and he might not get as good a group again and he may be right,if we were to move him it could be out of the frying pan into the fire but on the other hand maybe it would break the cycle.

On the food front it is difficult to fill him up,wholemeal bread is one way and lots of veg.left to his own devices he would be a fruitarian!

if the thing that makes him happy is his bass guitar can you get him some extra lessons ? If he does a bit more exercise he may well feel better as the weight wil come off and his energy levels will rise.

I don't know if this helps, but I'm having to spend a lot of time with my 11-year-old, acting as a sort of emotional shock absorber, which is very exhausting for me. He sort of offloads about school, then apparently feels a bit better. He's also bouyed up by friends he has outside school - but they are from his primary school, which doesn't apply in your ds' case. I agree re the band - wouldn't that be great! My ds is also podgy and I feel it's a pressing issue for him. He's aware he's not top of the list for girls to invite to their parties So I keep intending to instigate all-family exercise at the weekend [if you see pigs flying over south-west London, that'll be us].

I hope things improve, for both of your sakes. I think it is a very difficult time for boys.

Really reassuring to find that others need boosting at the same age,Fauve can really relate to the emotional shock absorber bit.He has just started lessons on his bass,he has learnt the double bass for a few years as well which was part of the reason for choosing it

I hope he will find others for a band he has been joining together with some other boys who are forming a band but is finding it difficult to break the clique a bit.

Thought I would revive this thread as i am still struggling with ds1 I do find the emotional shock absorber stuff really difficult.i think partly because i want to solve the problems and sometimes that is just not possible.
I took him to see our lovelly GP re his weight who reasurred him that he didn't have a problem that he was doing all the right things etc but I am worried as he spends a lot of time weighing himself and getting concerned about eating.
School and maybe this is all secondaries seems so impersonal,they really are expected to be self starters ,i wish we had moved him really but maybe it wouldn't be any better.At Xmas the only reference apart from a formal evening carol service was a talk about just because it was xmas that was no excuse to hand homework in late,no party,no decorations ..they are 11 FGS.
One of the few things he has been really keen on was debating but the other day he said he had stopped going because "he sucks"I asked if the teacjer who takes it had asked him why he had given up because she is aware of our concerns and had commented how good he was but she hasn't spoken to him I just hoped taht she could have shown some interest in why he had stopped attending...maybe I expect too much.

Sorry this is such a ramble but I just feel at such a loss as to how to help him.Would it be too disruptive to move him at yr8 its just the other school is more of a "pat on the back" type atmosphere adn maybe this would be better.also maybe he is just stale he has been there 9 years already?

bump

Philly - your ds sounds a lot like my ds2 in many ways. I've always considered him 'high maintenance' - he needs lots of encouragement and praise just to keep his self esteem on just an even keel. Any little thing knocks his confidence and he really 'feels' things that my elder one would just brush off.

I agree with you that secondary is much less personal and he's found it hard in that the staff don't have the time to 'pander' to him, which I understand totally but it means that it all falls to me and dh. It's a shame that your ds's teacher couldn't have taken that opportunity to boost him a little and encourage him to stay in debating. If the other school is more supportive then maybe it's worth the move - if he's happy to do it. If you're going to do it Yr 8 would be the least disruptive I would think.

I have no answers, just sympathy, but I do believe that it is very much to do with self-esteem. I worry because depression never seems to be far away from ds2 - he's a child of extremes and that's the way he is.

Good luck

i would deffo meet with the school specifically head of year to discuss the problems your soni s having. ask them if they can mention something in thestaff meeting as your son is getting depressed at the lack of motovation and constant derision from the staff. ask if the staff will try to make a more positive environment in which he can learn then discuss SPECIFIC strategies to deal with this. to show his achievements - so it may well be a slip home saying "weel done" my kids get this all the time - even if its just for behaviour - ffs my eldest lad hates school with pasion he even got a slip home saying "well done 100% attendence" lol - i send him there!

at home do what i do - put the certificates up on your wall or door - i have all these slips in my living room door - fuck the decor i think they look more lovely than nice gloss work!!

also weekly phone calls maybe

comments in his homework diary?

then arrange regular meetings - once a month - once every other month or something to review his progress.

if the school is seriously interested in the welfare of your child they wioll try to be accomodating. back the meeting up by taking notes and writing a letter which is really minutes of the meeting

Dear Teacher,
thank you for meeting with me today it was very helpful
together we have discussed implimenting
a
b
c
and will review this progress on

thank you for your time in dealing with this matter

if the school is unwilling to do this - then imo they do not thave the welfare of your child at heart and you should move him.

or think about alternative aducation modles.

you may be able to arrange part time school and home tutoring - a duel approach if you like - i enquired about this on mumsnet some time ago and it seems feasible if you dont work or work Part time ( forgive me i havent read allt he thread)

hope this helps - if nowt else it served as a bump

I read a book which went along the lines of "we are not responsible for our children's happiness". Its got an awful title which to me doesn't represent what its about... The Manipulative Child by E.W Swihart and Patrick Cotter. Everyone has their own parenting method so it may not be your cup of tea but I would really recommend it- you could always check the reviews on Amazon. I don't think its your fault. I don't like Robert Winston's approach much! Good Luck.

No solutions for you but I have found this thread very reassuring because we have been struggling with ds1 who is 12. He has always been attention hungry and is another who is intelligent but coasts at school unless particularly interested by a subject.

We have recently met with his form tutor and year head to voice our concerns and they hadn't realised how badly he was doing because apparently all his teachers thought it was just in their subject! He is now on an informal report system to monitor his progress. He knows this and hopefully will improve.

Keziah, I think that's a really interesting point. I have lots of sympathy for you philly and I completely know that feeling of being at your wits end. When my DS1 started at new school, it was awful, and I'd say to him (anxious face) 'everything alright today?' and he'd sigh and go 'no, not really'. Then for a week, I didn't ask - I'd respond if he had something to say and lo and behold by the end of the week things were getting better, he had lots of positive things to say and now has settled in well.
You say you've got two other children, one four and the other SN? Is it at all possible that he is seeking to secure your attention by being like this? I feel wicked saying that (hope you don't take the wrong way) but do you think it is worth putting in the pot for discussion?

Mrs Maple i am sure that this is a way of getting attention although I am not sure that it is conscious.I have also stopped asking him how his day is because like you I felt that this was counter productive,and we also agreed that he would try to find 3 positive things about each day.
However in the last couple of weeks things seem to be going downhill again.He doesn't want to go on a french trip which he was previously looking forward to and he is actively trying to avoid school something which he has never done before.

I think what makes it worse is taht he has always been previously pretty confident( at least at school with his friends)he had a large circle of friends and was generally popular.

Philly - it's a really fine line to tread isn't it between being upbeat and positive, and then you worry that you're just being unsympathetic?
I knows that lots of children find this transition to secondary really difficult. Earlier in the thread you said how he wasn't with so many of his old friends. I don't know if its true for you but any friends I've kept from school are definitely from secondary and not primary - so it should be a good thing for him, to be meeting new people, working out who he is etc etc. Sounds as though his confidence has taken a real battering in the process. Have you spoken to the school about it? He's not being bullied is he?
Perhaps it is disorientating for him to go from being a big fish in small pond, to small fish in big pond? Needs to learn to swim with the minnows!

There is some teasing going on ( I am always reluctant to call it bullying because I know he is quite sensitive)I think a lot of it is jostling for position in year7 etc nad he just doesn't seem able to cope with this.He is a very loyal boy and finds it really difficult to understand why friends will not stand up for each other,presunably because they are also feeling vulnerable.
We are going to see the head of lower school next week and hopefully together we can come up with a plan to help him with this.
Yesterday he said that the worst part of every day was waking up because not only did he have to go to school today but for the next 7 years
.I just want my funny,cheerful,supportive little boy back and not this churned up ,angry and definately sad one but I just can't make out how much is hormones etc and how muchhe really is unhappy at school and is it school or this school.Babies are a cinch in comparison!!!!

You sound like you've been doing all the right things Philly. And so perhaps you should trust your instincts - afterall he could be hormonally a mess but you'd know he was happy underneath. Perhaps he does just need to move school? Perhaps he would be happier in a smaller one, and would appreciate a new start? My Ds1 similarly sensitive, and I sometimes think doesn't go with flow enough, but for some children teasing is teasing and for others it is much worse, and this is not their fault! Or yours, or mine! Look forward to hearing what the head of lower school says, but if he tells you it's just that your child isn't making an effort/is tricky with his peer group/has to be a big boy now - then definitely move him!

Philly, sympathy. It's hard to be 12. I don't have any great advice, but just a few thoughts...

1. private schools - would there be other new kids joining the alternative school in year 9 (often get a secondary intake at common entrance age). It might be easier to transfer then if so. Although there are arguments for sooner too, if current school continues to be unsupportive.
2. do be sure the second school would be better before moving.
3. does he do anything outside school - any chance of fostering some friendships there? Some sort of social outside activity like scouts or young farmers or some youth group might help. He sounds quite stressed and in need of a good pal or two to me.

One of my good friends went through something similar with her oldest son. They struggled through a year or two with the same problems and she recently decided to home school him for a while. It's been 2 or 3 months now and she says it has been a good decision. He seems much happier.

HTH

Snailspace thanks for your comments,yes we had thought about the yr 9 intake and i still think this may prove to be the answer.I know the other school pretty well as I work for the charity which endows it (long story!)I think we probably should have bitten the bullet at yr7 but once he had passed the exam he pleaded to stay,perhaps that is a lesson for trusting ones own instinct!I yjhink we will see what the head of lower school says ,I am encouraged that a lot of other parents of children who have come up from their own junior school are having similar problems but also concerned by friends with children higher up who say these problems have been raised before but the school never do anything.Ho hum we will have to see.
Interestingly he has also had mmore time of sick this term than ever before (genuine flu and D&V) and they do seem to have quite a high absence rate,off the record I wonder if it is partly related to the stressful enviroment.