How do you manage??? (long post)

[thebecster]

I am 21 + 1 pg with my 1st and am having a panic attack. Woke up at 4am this morning and asked my DH 'How are we going to manage?' and I just keep thinking it over and over again. Am I going to be a rubbish parent? And how will we cope in our 1 bedroom flat where we don't actually have space to keep a goldfish, never mind another human being? (Can't afford to move right now) How will we cope with me on maternity leave? (I earn 70% of our household income, and we need every penny) When I go back to work will I choose the wrong nursery and end up in one of those 'Real Story with Fiona Bruce' exposes? Before you tell me I should have thought about this before getting pregnant, I've always been told there was absolutely no way i could ever get pregnant (appendix burst when I was 9 which did lots of damage, then had cervical cancer (just stage 1) when I was aged 30 - lots of scans/doctors confirmed there was no hope of my ever having a baby because there was so much wrong with me)
So this is REALLY unexpected. Completely wonderful, but unexpected! And after 5 months of thinking 'I can't be this lucky, mustn't get too happy, something might go wrong'... It's now clear that this little boy is definitely happening, and that I'd better get ready. I love my baby so much already, really don't want to let him down... How will I manage? How do you all manage??? HELP!!

Hey Becster,

This is completely normal! So many mums worry about how they'll get it right, and believe me, you carry on worrying from the moment they are born (and my DS1 is only 2!)

We also had a one bed flat for the first year of DS1's life, and we managed. I can't explain it, you just do, it all just happens!!

No one on here is going to tell you you should've thought about this before you got pregnant! They are all amazing mums (and a few dads) with so much help and advice.

Please just carry on enjoying you're pregnancy, the fact that you are worrying and aware of bad things that could happen means that they won't because you'll stop them before they do!

Will you write back and let us know you're ok?

love Mumatuks. x

As mumatuks has said this is normal. Having a baby is a life changing experience so its more than natural to have plenty of the 'What if' questions.
Pregnancy is only for a short period of time in the big scheme of things, so relax and enjoy this special time.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Worrying is part of the package I think. I too earn around 70 per cent of our household income and I think that can put your under quite alot of additional pressure. Some of the things that we did to ease the strain of losing my salary during maternity leave were:

• added annual leave to maternity to leave to extend it
• took a mortgage payment holiday
• suspended pension payments
• you could also consider changing your mortgage to an interest-only for a while to bring down the payments, or extend the repayment term to do the same thing.

you will manage - it is normal to feel distressed about motherhood as it is a big responsibility but what you will learn is that you need to relax enough and have confidence in what you are doing - the best thing you can give your baby is love and happy, confident parents who enjoy time with their baby. it doesnt matter that you live in a small flat or dont have much money - you do the best with what you have and that will be plenty good enough for yur baby. Congratulations on such wonderful news after all your health problems.

I seem to remember spending most of my first pregnancy feeling like that and crying that since I couldn't even look after myself properly how would I ever look after a baby. He's 4 now and fine so I obviously haven't done a too bad a job of it.....
Hang in there - and spend time on MN

Feeling like this is Nature's way of preparing you for such a huge, but very natural, event. You will be surprised at your own competence, believe me...there are resources buried inside you that you have no idea are there until you are called upon to use them in bringing up your child!! Personally I'd be worried about someone who sailed smugly through their first pregnancy proclaiming "I am going to be Mother Earth". You'll be fine!! Congratulations

The fact that you're worrying about this stuff now just shows that you're going to be a good mother. All this worry is just a part of parenthood. Luckily, there's lots more joy to balance it all out.

As for a one bed flat, they do recommend that the baby sleeps in your room for the first six months anyway so even if you had a second bedroom it would probably be empty for a while.

As everyone said you will cope and will be amazed at yourself. There will always be tough days but that's when you come on MN and we'll tell you how much worse it could be!

Congrats on your little miracle and best of luck!

Thank you!

It's good to know that it's normal to panic, and that you don't all think I'm an idiot!

I've read that the baby should be in our room, but then people keep saying to me 'Have you got the nursery ready?' and I instantly feel inadequate.

Good to know I'm not the only one who earns more than their DH - it's another thing that people make comments about and I do feel the pressure of it. eg colleague last week said 'I don't know why you're bothering having a baby if you're going to come back to work'. OUCH! I still feel guilty & defensive when people make these comments. I can't suspend mortgage payments (can't afford to buy) or freeze my pension (pension?? savings?? huh?? I've just cleared my overdraft & debts, but my DH still has £20k of personal debt left over from his student days. Oh dear, panic, panic, panic!).

I feel much better knowing that you all worried too, and managed. This baby will certainly be VERY much loved, by me & my DH. And by their grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, cousins etc. I'm going to keep repeating cathyspam's phrase to myself...

you do the best with what you have and that will be plenty good enough for yur baby.

Oh, I do hope so! I want him to be happy more than anything.

also - don't get upset or misled by newspaper articles saying it costs £2million to bring up a baby. They are always, always based on buying just about every bit of nursery kit ever invented and brand new at full price. It is amazing what is available for babies that they don't need. It is also eye-opening what you can get second-hand in perfect condition, because babies grow out of things so fast and parents including me buy stuff we don't need. Probably somewhere on MN there is a thread about what equipment you actually need for the first six months, but as I haven't got time to look for it these are my suggestions:
i)something for the baby to sleep in which you can put right next to your bed unless you want to go for baby-in-the-bed with you right from the start. Most people get a moses basket if they get anything at all; I bought a second hand carry cot for £5.
ii) a washable mat to change nappies on. Does not have to be a purpose made changing mat costing £10. Can be a couple of old towels. Or a fold-up mat from the pound shop, that way you can also take it out with you. No need to buy a bag called a changing bag. Any bag big enough for spare nappies, some spare clothes, bottles if used, and with a long enough strap to go over your shoulder, will do the job just fine.
iii) Washable nappies? It's your choice, but the consensus is that if you can meet the initial outlay you do save a lot of money over all. Also widely available second-hand see eg the nappylady website and for sale section on MN. Although, for a first baby, for the first couple of weeks or so it would be much easier to use disposables.
iv) Something to take the baby out in ie pushchair or sling. If you don't normally drive can you borrow a car seat to get the baby home from the hospital?
v) something to bath the baby in such as a plastic washing up bowl to start with. Eventually IMO a baby bath is worth having, we used ours until DD was 3 and she was happy sitting in it inside the big bath. They are available every week at my local charity shop for pennies.
vi) vests, sleepsuits, warm top eg cardies, outer layer ie all-in-one, hat. All other clothing for babies under say 6 months is pure decoration!
vii) some old cloths to put over your shoulder to catch milk spit and all other emissions from top end of baby. Does not have to be muslins specially designed for the job, can perfectly well be one of DP's old t-shirts torn into bits.

I would actually say that everything else you can get when the need for it becomes clear to you. If people want to buy you presents you could suggest a baby 'gym' ie a mat to lie on with a frame over it with toys hanging off it. There is a version where the base inflates into a doughnut shape, we used this non-stop for months as you can prop the baby up as s/he grows but s/he is safe in it.
Hope this helps. It is really quite scary expecting your first baby, isn't it? But you will manage, not least because you are thinking about it! Good luck. One book I enjoyed reading was 'the Best Friend's Guide to pregnancy' (have forgotten author's name). it was funny and took a really relaxed, reassuring approach.

Vicky Iovine writes the "best friend" series of books.

You don't need "a nursery". You need somewhere your baby can sleep safely and securely. For the first six months, government advice is that the baby should sleep in your room anyway. Matching Mamas and Papas/Mothercare furniture, curtains, nappy stackers etc are not necessary, whatever the catalogues and baby magazines might say! Everything except cot mattresses and car seats is absolutely fine to get second hand/from charity shops/boot sales.

as everyone else has said, it's normal and healthy to panic at the major life changes that having a baby will bring! shows that you are being thoughtful and realistic about it.

Vicky Iovine caused me to physically wet myself on a number of occasions. She is very very funny

I started off in a 1 bed flat, FIL helped us to convert it and split a room to add a small bedroom, so I spent much of my pregnacy and new motherhood in a building site that I had to design and manage on a budget of about £2.50. Ikea showrooms are full of ideas for cramped living .

My kids always had second hand stuff and i go brilliant prams from charity shops. They wore Next, M&S, Gap. OSH Cosh etc, I became a bit of a second hand snob.

You will find out what works for you. You might make mistakes but we all do. As for nurseries use you intuition, if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. Baby won't care if you chop and change nurseries while they are very young until you find one that suits you.

Don't buy lots before your baby arrives - you'll know what to get when you have him. If you're thinking about bf this saves money. You'll need a carseat, a babysling (no need for a pushchair), nappies + cleaning, some vests, sleepsuits, cardies, socks & all in one coat & hat. I co-sleep instead of using a cot. The extra I find handy at 4 months is a playmat.

do you have close friends and family? if you do get everyone to buy something as a present. we did this..for eg, my mum and dad bought the cot, dh's mum and dad the pram, my sister, the car seat, my brother the monitor, my best mate, a baby bath. we were so lucky, but everyone felt involved and like they were getting something better than another bloody teddy( which breed by the way-be warned)
my ds1 didn't have his own decorated room until he was three, he slept with us till then and he was and is fine!
basically you manage because you have to! there is very little option otherwise, but it's lovely!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm sure you will be a brilliant mum. It will be a huge shock and you can't really prepare for it but all being well it will be the best thing that's ever happened to you. You will manage the best you can, that's all any of us can do, and as long as the baby has love and security he will be very happy.

At this stage don't worry too much about the practicalities, just try to enjoy each moment because, as someone once said, you don't get those moments back.

I found that baby magizines were full of good information and advice, you can even pick up a pile of these at the charity shop .

Hi becster, yes, hello and welcome to WorryWorld!! You sound like a great mum already - enjoy the peace for the next few months!

The advice my mum gave to me was:

stay calm (!!!!!!!)
don't listen to other people's opinions unless you really need to - just nod and smile
avoid Expert books
you will know your baby better than ANYONE within 2 weeks
babies need your love and your time
(an a few babygros)

Congratulations to you and your DH, what a great surprise! You will find the right nursery when the time comes and if the first one isn't quite right, you'll find another one.

Get some sleep woman!

Congratulations on being pregnant against all the odds .

You may like to know that we lived in a palatial flat and had no money worries but still kept dd in our room for almost ever because we wanted to be near her. She sleeps in our room whenever she can wangle it to this day, and she's seven.

We spent nothing on clothes for three years because she was dressed in presents and hand-me-downs. Your family will rally round with stuff and there is nothing better you can give your wee one than cousins, so you're already ahead of the game.

Becster, this time last year you could have been me! Halfway through my pregnancy with my 1st, a boy, terrified something will go wrong and with moments of absolute panic... We have an 8 month old in a 1 bed flat. It's fine! ds's cot is next to our bed, his changing table is in the bedroom too, his toys etc. are in the living room. I wouldn't want him in a separate bedroom yet even if we had the space.
I am working too (about half the time from home) - dh is at home. I do have the odd guilt and envy (of dh) attack, but you get on with it and be the best mum you can be - don't let anyone get you down with ignorant comments. When I got back from paid mat leave and annual leave (am in Germany) to find I hadn't been paid (!), the woman from the salary office asked me what my problem was - 'you're got a husband, after all, you won't starve'! They just don't get it - that's the only thing you can think in response to that.
Good luck with everything

Thanks so much everyone It?s so good to hear some realistic ideas on how to manage. I?m lucky that my DH is really supportive, and our parents are lovely. FIT - I can really identify with your irritation with that salary woman! I get so sick of people saying ?Won?t it be nice for you not to have to work any more?? Huh? I thought we were getting a baby, not a lottery win It?s like people assume that up to now I was only working to make myself look useful!

Great to know that a few of you have brought up babies in 1 bedroom flats, and to know that I don?t have to buy everything ? there seems to be so much! I don?t want my little one to be deprived, but there are limits on the old budget? On Saturday I?ll have a little wander along the charity shops on the high street and ask them if they get baby stuff sometimes.

You must all be great mums ? you?ve made me feel so much better, just like my own mum always does!

Another idea just occurred to me - if there is NCT in your area they often have big sales where everyone brings their nearly-new stuff, it's also a chance to get to meet other parents.

As my mum said "you just do"

and we did and we do

dont let it get on top of you.

Just wanted to add your baby will never be deprived as long as he has you, remember that. Stuff is just stuff. Excellent advice on this post!

DS (12 months) is still in our room, despite having his own bedroom now that we've moved house. For the first year we were in a hovel - no other way to put it!

We had three rooms (bedroom, bathroom, kitchen/living room) for two adults, a dog and a baby. DS wasn't bothered in the slightest!

To be blunt, you'll manage because you have to. There will be times when baby doesn't have the bath he should have done. A smelly nappy isn't immediately changed. You have to leave him to cry for five minutes so you can wash his bedding.

But as long as you love him and give him plenty of kisses and cuddles, you will manage .

Becoming a mum is like entering the worlds biggest secret society. Suddenly every woman you meet gives you a warm smile and a knowing look when she spots your baby.