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Original poster

does only child = lonely child

50 replies

novadandypowder · 17/01/2006 10:17

ok, now the new baby novelty has worn off, I'm thinking that maybe I'm happy with just one child.

I could really live without ever being pg again, but if I have another baby too soon DD wouldn't get as much attention as she does now (i was very sick through her pg and i'm worried it would happen again), but wait too long and they wouldn't have much in common (my sister and I are 4 years apart and not close at all).

DH reckons it's unfair to only have one as they need someone to play with, and claims all his friends who were only children were lonely.

Is this always the case?

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getbakainyourjimjams · 17/01/2006 10:19

I was an only and not lonely at all. Had lots of friends, used to go and stay with them and abig extended family.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2006 10:20

Not at all! I know plenty of only children who were anything but lonely. It all depends how they're socialised.

My sister and I are 4 years apart and thick as thieves now. My mom was born in 1941 months before the US entered WWII. Her sister wasn't born till 1946. They practically live in each other's pockets.

There's no guarantee siblings will get along no matter what their age gap.

It's sort of sad to think the only reason for bringing a child into the world is for the benefit of someone else who didn't even ask for htem.

mrsjingles · 17/01/2006 10:22

I would add that my mum was an only child and hated it. She longed for a brother or sister to play with.

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littlemisspiggy · 17/01/2006 10:32

I was an only child and wished for a sibling to fight with. But I also appreciated that I got lots of attention. As it happens found out only recently that I actually have 6 half-siblings, but that would be a whole new thread!
As others have said I think it's important that only children get plenty of play opportunities with other children

bamboo · 17/01/2006 10:32

My mum says the same - which is why she decided to have six of us! I love having lots of siblings, we get on really well. On the other hand, dh is an only one and has no problems with it. He was never lonely. I just think you have to do what's right for you. I do think, though, that my parents are more balanced than the in-laws. Because dh is an only one I think their world revolves around him a bit too much.

shimmy21 · 17/01/2006 10:39

Have to answer this one because it stirs up very strong feelings in me. I was (am) an only who was 'well -socialised'. We went on holidays with cousins or took a friend for me with us and even had extended family and cousins living with us for a while so I had every opportunity not to be a lonely only. I had all the privileges that being an only brings (more money for ponies and posh schools plus undivided attention from my mum).

BUT being an only is one of the biggest sadnesses in my life silly though it may seem. I was desperately jealous of my friends who went back home after play dates to siblings while I sat and watched nature programmes and listened to opera with my mum and dad. I even fantasised about arguing with brothers and sisters because that would be better than not having anyone to argue with. Now as an adult and my parents are getting old I wish I had someone who could share my memories of childhood and know my parents like I do. I also wish there was someone to share the worries that old age brings.

I know every case is different. I'm not advocating bringing a new person into the world just for the benefit of your first child and I'm not naieve enough to think that every big family is happier than small ones. I'm just saying that I know for myself personally in my own unique situation, having a sibling would have been better than not and I know that looking at my own 2 children fighting, playing and sharing their lives together that they are experiencing something more valuable than all the ponies and posh schools and maternal attention could ever bring.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 17/01/2006 10:42

I hate these threads, they make me feel inadequate, DS is an only child by circumstance, it can not be helped. But it does not stop me feeling inadequate.

hana · 17/01/2006 10:43

I dont htink that an age gap of 4 years necessarily dictates that you won't be close it all depends on personalities of the children or indeep adults

compo · 17/01/2006 10:45

How old is your baby? When I had ds I was adamant I wouldn't want another for about a year and now i'm pregnant with no. 2 so your feelings might change

expatinscotland · 17/01/2006 10:48

If pregnancy isn't your thing, have you considered adoption? I know several people who've done foreign adoptions - from China and India - of young babies, all girls, tho - when they could not or did not want to be pregnant but felt their family was not complete.

My aunt is married to a man from Kerala in India, and after they lost their first child, a daughter who was born prematurely, they went ont to have two boys and then adopted a girl from India when she was only 3 weeks old back in 1981.

hotmama · 17/01/2006 10:55

My dp is an only child - and has been adamant that if we could have children he would like us to have more than one. Luckily, I am happy with this as I am one of three.

Dp had friends but would have liked siblings - it also puts a lot of pressure on an only child when one parent dies etc.

However, if you don't want or can't have another child - then just concentrate on making your lo's life as happy as it can be! A happy child is a happy child - and don't feel guilty.

northerner · 17/01/2006 10:59

Why do some people think being an only child is such a terrible fate?

I am an only child and did not miss out on anything. I am sociable, well adjusted and was never lonely.

Being an only child does not define you as a person, it is much more an issue for parents than for the kids IYKWIM. FGS life is difficult enough stressing about teh kids we do have, lets not stress about the ones we don't have.

Prettybird · 17/01/2006 11:08

Hotmamma and Shimmy21's posts are exactly why I so want another one

But at 44 and with two miscarriages and and a dh who isn't sure about trying again (and who only tried the last time because it was what I wanted), I am losing hope that it will happen.

Ds is 5 now.

Gizmo · 17/01/2006 11:26

Hey Prettybird

It's too early to tell, but if your DS is an only child, there's every chance he will love it.

I'm an only, and had an idyllic childhood, remaining extremely close to my parents. In retrospect you do get more adjusted to 'adult' socialising at an early age but unless you live in an exceptionally remote part of the world there will always be other children to play with, so most only kids know perfectly well how to make friends. The only thing I think I missed out on was how to deal with squabbling: I hated school confrontations and still don't deal well with thoughtless, pushy behaviour

Maybe your son will develop an intense desire to have a sibling, but I'm guessing you might have heard from him if he did. In truth, it never crossed my mind that a sibling might be interesting.

Prettybird · 17/01/2006 11:39

My concernes are two fold and more to do with the futire:

I had a friend at Uni who was an only child whose Mum died very quickly from pancreatic cancer. I saw the strain it put on her both grieving and at the same time looking after/being cocerned for her father and I vowed then that I wouldn't have an only child.

I also worry as Shimmy21 does, that when ds gets older - and we get older - that he won't have any siblings to share the memories of a family life together and to share the burden of aging parents.

Ds himself is a gorgeous, happy, confident - and sociable - wee boy, so I don't actually have any concerns about him at the moment.

But I am also scared that if anything were ever to happen to him, that I owuld nver forgive my dh. Also that I will end up being an obsessive mother with all my hopes and fears bound up in one child.

spacecadet · 17/01/2006 11:52

I am an only child and did not feel lonely at all, I dont feel that ive missed out at all, never wanted a brother or sister as a child.

Gizmo · 17/01/2006 11:53

Yup, can't deny that you feel it more as you get older. Ironically, my close bond with my parents makes me worry perhaps disproportionately.

As you know, I'm keen, too, to have another child, largely for the reasons that you have mentioned. But I'm very aware of the risks involved in rolling the dice again: opening the way to a new family dynamic that I hope would be happy, but might not work as well as I had hoped.

OK, that's probably post rationalisation to make me feel a bit better after my miscarriage. But it is true that there are risks involved in both sides of the equation. You just don't crystallise the risks involved in having another child until you've committed yourself, whereas you know very well the risks involved in not having another child, IYSWIM.

Gizmo · 17/01/2006 11:53

Hello Spacey!

Pleased to see you still have the strength to type

SwimmingUpHillThroughCustard · 17/01/2006 11:55

i was also really sick through pg and still suffering from pnd, but still supposedly well meaning aunties and anyone else who feels like it really..tells me im letting dd down if i dont give her a brother or sister!...tell them to do the pg and aftermath, and youll take the child when its about 4..should have got the worst out of the way by then!

spacecadet · 17/01/2006 11:55

I will confess that being an only meant i wasnt used to sharing and dm says i was ahorror as a small child as i would never share my toys..oops! but i grew out of it and am a nice kind person now ..honest.

spacecadet · 17/01/2006 11:57

gizmo..i can still drag myself to the comp..lol. seriously, seen the doc today and he says my lungs are clear yay!, but to expect to feel tired easily for a little while longer.

lucy5 · 17/01/2006 11:59

My dd is 5 and im debating whether to have another but I cant decide if i have left it too late for there to be any real benefit for them as siblings. I worry that they will be on totally different plants unti they reach their 20's but saying that my sis and I were 3 years apart and only became friends in our 20's.

Just to confuse matters further my dh is one of 7 and mainly they hate each other. There is a lot of sibling rivalry.

spacecadet · 17/01/2006 12:03

lucy5 my mum and her sister have a 7 year age gap, yet they are very close.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2006 12:03

'But I am also scared that if anything were ever to happen to him, that I owuld nver forgive my dh. '

But why is this his fault? I mean, you said he had a child b/c you wanted it, so that means he has to give you two? Isn't having kids a joint thing?

I wouldn't mind three at times, but my DH only wants two and is very adamant about that. And at the end of the day, he deserves to have his wishes taken into account as well.

Besides the number of kids you want is never a given, as w/anything in life. Things can happen. Or not.

That's an awful lot of pressure to put on someone who loves you: you didn't give me entirely what I want, so if anything happens to this child, who will grow into an entirely independent person and make decisions that may be risky to his person (such as travelling to far flung places or participating in an adventure sport), YOU will be the one I hold responsible.

edodgy · 17/01/2006 12:07

I agree expat and you dont have a second child as a spare just in case anything happens to the first.

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