does only child = lonely child

[novadandypowder]

ok, now the new baby novelty has worn off, I'm thinking that maybe I'm happy with just one child.

I could really live without ever being pg again, but if I have another baby too soon DD wouldn't get as much attention as she does now (i was very sick through her pg and i'm worried it would happen again), but wait too long and they wouldn't have much in common (my sister and I are 4 years apart and not close at all).

DH reckons it's unfair to only have one as they need someone to play with, and claims all his friends who were only children were lonely.

Is this always the case?

I mean, I'm a second child. I hate to think my parents just had me to keep my elder sister from getting lonely, b/c I moved 7,000 miles from home. In fact, I haven't lived in my native city in 17 years and she never left.

Or that they had me in case something happened to her.

I mean, wtf?! What a way to go thru life!

Gizmo - I am sorry about your miscarriage - I hadn't pciked up on it (wasn't really on Mumsnet over Christmas). How are you?

It's uncanny - our lives seem to have so many parallels, including our running history and styles.

I'll let you know if/when a) we start trying again and b) I succeed in falling pregant again. You'll be sure to follow shortly afterwards!

Nova, your dd is so young, don't commit yourself to anything. When my dd was small - up until she was over a year we were DEFFO not having any more. Now we're planning to ttc at the end of the year... and I am dead excited. 2 years ago, the thought of being pg again filled me with dread......

But to answer the origial qst - sometimes only = lonely but in my experience it all depends on what is happening. i wasn't overly lonely, although someitmes i really really wanted a bro or sis. NOW I know I had the best life they could give me, and although I was only and only through circumstance, I know i would not have had those chances with a sibling...... (money etc).

NOW I would like someone...a s my parents get older I'll wish I had someone to share it with but........

inane waffles. sorry. (dd calling over monitor but i WANT her to sleep!!!)

gizmo, i didnt realise you had a misscarriage, im so sorry.

No expatinScoltand - the first child was a joint decsion (with only a wee bit of pressure from me about timing): it is because dh isn't sure if he wants a second one. And yes, it is a joint decision.

I'm not saying my fear is logical one - or even a fair one - but it is a fear (and dh is aware of it).

We're actually going through a variant of a simialr issue at the moment, where there are problems in my family, which consists of my Mum, Dad, brother and me, and becasue there are only the four of us in this country, the problems are soooooo much more intense becaseu there is no-one to share them with. Even dh acknowledges this (while complaining about how much emotional energy these issues are using up - at a time when I could really do without it as I am still recovering from my miscarriage), as he says in his own family, where there are 5 siblings, everyithng gets spread around - including the problems!

quick answer - only not necessarily lonely but sibling usually great fun.

anything else beyond this statement gets you into the realms of a "SAHM v WOHM" or "should children be allowed at weddings" debate.

you have to go with your gut at the end of the day, what is right for joanna bloggs isn't necessarily right for you.

My dad comes from a family of 6 kids. Well, one died in toddlerhood. But again, they spread out all over the place, so it wound up being one sister who did the most physically w/the parents when they got older, anyhow, altho she was also the one who fared least well financially, but the other siblings were able to pay for a great deal of help for her, fund visits, frequent respite care, etc.

There are too many variables these days w/people living all over the globe to assume that b/c you have more than one they'll be able to share the burden when you get older.

Personally I don't expect my kids to look after me when I'm older b/c I didn't have kids for that reason.

I'm also an only child and yes i did get lonely sometimes when i was younger and really wanted a sibling. I also lost both my parents and grandparents by the time I was 22 and i suppose now more than ever I wish i had a brother or sister to share my children with as im not really close to my aunties or uncles. I have just had my second child in November and I did consciously choose to have more than one probably due to my experience. However saying all that i had the benefit of having my parents all to myself they could afford more things financially due to having only the one and also I am able to make friends alot easier than my dp who was one of six. The reason for this is because whenever we went on holiday etc I had no choice but to make friends if i wanted other children to play with whereas my dp had 5 other siblings to play with so didnt need to make the effort and i do feel ive gained socially from this. Like everything it is a very personal descision and theres disadvantages and advantages to both oprions.

I'm owrried for my ds - I don't want him to go thorugh the pain I saw my freind go through looking after her father when her mother died. I also want him to have the opportunity of shared experiences with siblings.

I don't expect my ds to look after me when I'm older - although my dad expects me to do that for him, as I made a rash prmosie to "make sure they were OK financially" when I was much younger . I must tell him that when he stops having the money to go gallivainting off around the world (they were cycling in Urugay in November and are off on a cycling holiday in Vietnam/Cambodia next month), then I will see if they need any help!

Not read the whole thread, but dd1 (now 7) was an only child until March last year when dd2 came along.

I wouldn't say she was lonely, but she did miss having other children around during weekends and school holidays. It meant that she wanted a lot of attention from us as well. Holidays (as in "going away") were the times that I really felt for her as she had only adult company and although we always had a good time I always used to think that she would have loved some other children around to play with.

In fact, when I gave up work to have dd2, dd1 desperately wanted to go to holiday club last summer as she always used to when I was working) so that she could see her friends and not be at home with "boring" mum (my description, not hers!).

One of the deciding reasons for having dd2 was that I didn't want dd1 to be an only child.

I was a lonely only, but it wasn't anything to do with not having siblings. I had lots of friends and neighbours to play with. My problem was parents who didn't enjoy being parents and who'd decided after having me that one was definitely enough (and had no qualms about telling me so!) Not surprisingly it took me 39 years to decide having a child might actually be fun. Now it's taken me 4 years to decide a sibling for DS might be nice. I don't think age gaps make too much difference. There are 3 years between mum and her sister and they hate each other. My dad was 2 years younger than his sister and they were very close. DH's sister is 15months older and they love each other dearly.

I think 'lonely' has a lot to do with quality of the relationships a child does have: be it parents, cousins, friends or siblings. And other factors too, but having siblings isn't an automatic fix for being lonely.

My brother is 4 years younger than me, my sister 6 years older, we are all close now - but weren't always. And I wish I'd been closer to my parents.

I have a dd who may well be an only through circumstance. I worry about what might be if we did have another, I worry about what might be if we don't: no one can control the future, there's such a gamble/leap of faith involved in all of it.

Last but not least - PPH summed it up beautifully. I'm envious. I'm constitutionally incapable of writing a short post

thank you for your honesty - and sorry if i've stirred up feelings for some people.

I just wanted to get a wider perspective on this, as DH and I don't have the most conventional families to go by (I was born as a replacement for a baby my mother lost and my older sister resents me, DH is going through therapy and is covering his feelings of jealousy towards his younger brother).

DD is only 3 months old, and I know I shouldn't take for granted that we could have another. I really didn't like being pg at all, and do almost dread the thought of doing it again.

I also adore DD and am worried about the prospect of bringing another child into the situation.

Sorry, thats just a little bit of background to the question. We're thinking about it now as DH would like to start ttc quite soon for another, it's just me thats having second thoughts

I do think that th way an only child grows up is very much dependent on how the parents treat that child etc. I can remember my MIL saying to us "oh you can't possibly let Ds be an only child, only children are generally either too spoilt or left out because the parents don't want to be accused of spoiling them". And in actual fact nothing in life is certain. If I were unable to conceive another child then DS would be an only child whether I wanted that or not, and I would certainly not want him branded as a result.

I think though that only children are more common these days, partly because of financial pressures, partly because of the enormous amount of couples who experience fertility problems and need help to conceive just one baby, and partly because a lot of couples wait till they're older to start having children and often there is only time to have one.

My DH had a friend at uni who was an only child, and he definitely lacked social skills - had never had siblings or even cousins to play with, and although he went to private school, he was definitely firmly tied to his mother's apron strings and expected to follow in daddy's footsteps, and he had to bear all the disappointment of his parents if he didn't achieve.

I think that whatever you decide to do it has to be because it's what you want or feel is right, not because you feel you should do it to give your DD a sibling. They could grow up not getting on at all and then you will have done it for the wrong reasons.

But do what is right in your heart, and whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing for you.

good luck

Agree with wannabee's first point - to add to my original post, even though dd1 was an only child until last year, she has always been fantastic at sharing etc. and has extremely good social skills - is very popular at school. I put a lot of this down to the fact that I had to go back to work part time when she was 6mths and therefore she was a nursery 3 days a week from this age. Mixing with other children from such a young age gave her the opportunity to experience things that other children who are not in day care could only experience if they had siblings.

my ds 11year old was an only till 15months ago when i had his little brother. even though he never complained of being lonely when he was small, i think as he got older and his friends went home to chat with siblings about the footie match, getting excited xmas eve etc he did wish for a brother to share chats with. hes brilliant with his little brother but i think looking back i would have had one much closer in age

God, there's no way I could have entertained having another one until very recently (ds is nearly 3 and we just started ttc.) How many women start thinking about another when their baby is only 3 months old? Give it at least a year and then see how you feel!

I had ds and it was 9 yrs before I had another (new partner etc)
Now ds is 12 and dd is 3, I am desperate for another child as ds is expected to go to uni, (perhaps a year earlier than normal potentially and even without that) in 5 -6 yrs and I do not want just one child at home.
My ds was very unhappy being an only child, I mean do not get wrong he thrived and so forth but he was always going on about siblings!
But I think it is easier if you give them a wide social side, lots of hobbies and stuff where they can meet friends and have sleepovers
I never really did a lot of that which didn't help...

to an extent i think it depends on whether you have a boy or a girl. Boys tend to marry and get closer to the wifes family so perhaps would feel quite like shimmy does?

Depends on circumstances, I hated being an only child and it did equal lonely. I have problems still with making and keeping friendships and seem to have a beacon that makes people avoid me.

However, I do know many people who have enjoyed being an only child and it is entirely to do with the family and how they are treated. I had a big family but was ignored so would have been lonely with siblings probably, had I not been treated like that I would be on here telling you how wonderful being an only is!

I was an only child, mum had complications which put dad off having any other children, she came from a family of 9 so she really wanted a large family.

Our house was always full of children, mum and dad made a special effort to ask cousins/friends to come home and we always took a cousin very close in age to me on holiday with us. I certainly did not have a lonely childhood, but that was down to my Mum and Dads hard work

We had to go through a lot of infertility treatments to get dd1 and I was more than happy to have just one child, however a miracle happened and we now have dd2.

My dad died when I was 19 of cancer, it was an awful time, perhaps would of been made easier if I had somebody to share the burden with, but then again perhaps not, who knows....

Basically in answer to your question an only child need not be a lonely child.

my Ds was also 11 when i had his sister, he had been asking for a sibling for as long as i can remember, he was overjoyed when i told him i was pg. now im worrying about DD being lonely, although Ds adores her hes not really a playmate.

I have a large family so I don't have that experience but both my sisters have one child and they are hte least lonely kids i know. They are involved in alot of activities and always have friends over and have very close relationships with their parents. So, I think having one can work very well just be prepared to have a friends over more often than I do as I already have a house full.

LadySherlock of GJ, know what you mean.

Never wanted dd to be an only but after much loss and anguish we have no choice but to accept it. She would love a brother or sister but, at 7, is beginning to understand properly that it won't happen (though she's still on our case about adoption, which is a whole other thread).

We try hard to keep her in close touch with her cousins and make her friends a big part of our lives. But I can't help seeing that for quite a lot of the time she has nobody to be silly with and nobody to complain to about us, or to join in with her if she wants to take the mickey out of us.

Having said all that, I have to remember (as someone said further up the thread) that dd's not me. I was very close to my two sisters and brother, still am, but had nothing like the closeness with my parents that dd has.

My dh told me very early on in our relationship that he wouldn't care if he never saw either of his brothers again and I frankly didn't believe him but I can see now that it's true.

I used to worry a lot about potential damage to dd if I was sick all the way through another pregnancy as I was with her. Now I wish I hadn't worried about that, not that it put me off trying. They are resilient and nine months is not so long in the scheme of things as it seems when they are babies.

Ramble, ramble. Sorry.