I know this is probably a common topic on here and that's there's no easy answer (perhaps no answers at all!), but this is really preoccupying me at the moment and I'd love some advice, other people's experiences, etc.
I'm 36 and DD has just turned 3 (DH is 47, which is also relevant, I think). The first few months - well, the first year, really, with DD were pretty hellish challenging - long excruciating back-to-back labour followed by EMC, horrible breastfeeding problems, DD's hospitalisation at 10 days old (not serious but alarming and disruptive), silent reflux meaning 4-hour screaming sessions every evening for 3 months, awful, AWFUL sleep problems (we went to a sleep clinic in the end, but things are still not great on that front). Things got easier when she started walking, then a bit easier still when she started talking, then the terrible twos kicked in and her tantrums were epic and violent at times, sometimes for long phases (like every day for weeks, it seemed).
These days (by which I mean just the last couple of months, really), she is still a very strong-minded, challenging and demanding little person, but seems to be growing up in the sense that she's far more responsive to negotiating, easier to calm down, generally just a bit easier to deal with (not all the time, of course - she's still only 3!). Anyway, I can finally see how number 2 could fit into it all. But DH is still pretty adamant about stopping at 1. We've talked about it periodically over the last couple of years, and for a while, although I could understand (and even agree with at some level) some of his reasons for not having another - mainly that we were too tired and stressed not to be driven mad by the extra strain of having a baby - I still wanted one.
I have a younger brother while he is an only child, so one child is the norm for him. He worries about the financial strain of having another, but I feel like plenty of people less well off than we are (and we're not rich, or even that well off, but we're doing ok) manage perfectly well. He worries about not being able to love another child as much as DD (he ADORES DD), I know that that's a common worry that is almost never realised once the second child is actually there. He worries about whether another child might have health issues/disabilities (there's no foundation for this worry, just a general worry about how he/we would cope if that were the case), I know what he means, but it's not that likely, and frankly anything could happen to any of us (unfortunately), yet there's no point worrying about distant maybes.
Basically, having said no because we were too tired and stressed, he's now saying no - or, to be fair "probably not" rather than no, but he's still far, far, from actually agreeing to TTC - because things feel better and why rock the boat by going back to the beginning again?
My own concerns are limited to the following:
- DD still wakes up at 5-5.30 many mornings (though not always, sometimes it's 6-6.30, or even later), and there's no doubt that we would all be very tired.
- that DC2 would be as difficult a baby as DD was. But I do feel that if that's the case, (a) we've been there before, so have coping strategies and a knowledge that things will get better (b) we'd have to be pretty unlucky for things to be that bad again and (c) it will pass much more quickly as we'll just have to get on with life, looking after DD as well, etc.
But while I acknowledge that the first few months are bound to be tough, that isn't a reason to fundamentally change the (potential) shape of our family, and miss out on the joy of watching another child grow up, having a sibling for DD, etc. So I can see the long-term benefits, while I don't think he can so much.
Gosh, I'm sorry for such a long, long ramble. Just can't get this out of my mind, and am hoping people will be wise and enable me to have some sort of epiphany about either persuading DH, or coming to terms with being a one-child family. Not much to ask, is it? 