I want a second child and DH doesn't...

[bean612]

I know this is probably a common topic on here and that's there's no easy answer (perhaps no answers at all!), but this is really preoccupying me at the moment and I'd love some advice, other people's experiences, etc.

I'm 36 and DD has just turned 3 (DH is 47, which is also relevant, I think). The first few months - well, the first year, really, with DD were pretty hellish challenging - long excruciating back-to-back labour followed by EMC, horrible breastfeeding problems, DD's hospitalisation at 10 days old (not serious but alarming and disruptive), silent reflux meaning 4-hour screaming sessions every evening for 3 months, awful, AWFUL sleep problems (we went to a sleep clinic in the end, but things are still not great on that front). Things got easier when she started walking, then a bit easier still when she started talking, then the terrible twos kicked in and her tantrums were epic and violent at times, sometimes for long phases (like every day for weeks, it seemed).

These days (by which I mean just the last couple of months, really), she is still a very strong-minded, challenging and demanding little person, but seems to be growing up in the sense that she's far more responsive to negotiating, easier to calm down, generally just a bit easier to deal with (not all the time, of course - she's still only 3!). Anyway, I can finally see how number 2 could fit into it all. But DH is still pretty adamant about stopping at 1. We've talked about it periodically over the last couple of years, and for a while, although I could understand (and even agree with at some level) some of his reasons for not having another - mainly that we were too tired and stressed not to be driven mad by the extra strain of having a baby - I still wanted one.

I have a younger brother while he is an only child, so one child is the norm for him. He worries about the financial strain of having another, but I feel like plenty of people less well off than we are (and we're not rich, or even that well off, but we're doing ok) manage perfectly well. He worries about not being able to love another child as much as DD (he ADORES DD), I know that that's a common worry that is almost never realised once the second child is actually there. He worries about whether another child might have health issues/disabilities (there's no foundation for this worry, just a general worry about how he/we would cope if that were the case), I know what he means, but it's not that likely, and frankly anything could happen to any of us (unfortunately), yet there's no point worrying about distant maybes.

Basically, having said no because we were too tired and stressed, he's now saying no - or, to be fair "probably not" rather than no, but he's still far, far, from actually agreeing to TTC - because things feel better and why rock the boat by going back to the beginning again?

My own concerns are limited to the following:

• DD still wakes up at 5-5.30 many mornings (though not always, sometimes it's 6-6.30, or even later), and there's no doubt that we would all be very tired.
• that DC2 would be as difficult a baby as DD was. But I do feel that if that's the case, (a) we've been there before, so have coping strategies and a knowledge that things will get better (b) we'd have to be pretty unlucky for things to be that bad again and (c) it will pass much more quickly as we'll just have to get on with life, looking after DD as well, etc.

But while I acknowledge that the first few months are bound to be tough, that isn't a reason to fundamentally change the (potential) shape of our family, and miss out on the joy of watching another child grow up, having a sibling for DD, etc. So I can see the long-term benefits, while I don't think he can so much.

Gosh, I'm sorry for such a long, long ramble. Just can't get this out of my mind, and am hoping people will be wise and enable me to have some sort of epiphany about either persuading DH, or coming to terms with being a one-child family. Not much to ask, is it?

Wow, that's quite extreme! Does your DH know this Randomness - that his ability to give you a child is more important to you that his worth as a partner, and as a father to your existing child?

So if your DH had refused to have another child, you would have left him, denied your child a two-parent upbringing, and negatively affected their relationship with their father?

Randomness - that's fine then - you obviously did manage to persuade your partner. And it's completely within your rights to say that it would be a dealbreaker for your relationship - I don't understand it myself, but people have different priorities.
All I was saying was that the man should be treated as an equal decision-making partner, not browbeaten or tricked against his will. What the OP, or you, or anyone, then chooses to do if their partner doesn't agree with them, is up to them.

Llanarth Yes he knows (was discussing this thread with him before I posted as I appreciate it might come across as quite shocking), but it's a bit unfair to say 'his ability to give you a child is more important to you that his worth as a partner'.
It would be the lack of respect for my feelings in the face of a perfectly reasonable request (because he CBA going through it all over again, no other reason) that would be the dealbreaker.

If he had said at the start he wanted no children, I'd have left him then. If he said after one baby that he wanted no more, yes it would have been more complicated but again, I'd have had to walk.

Having children with different fathers would have been preferable to a lifetime of unfulfilled yearning with a dh who put his own need for an easy life over my feelings.

In our relationship it is me who only wants one child. My dh would have a football team. We both grew up with brothers and sisters so I know the benefit with having siblings. While I feel I could love another easily enough, I couldn't put the same time and effort into another child. I also could not go through the sleepiness nights again (three years of it). I do feel for dh at times and a bit guilty at times - but I know I wouldn't cope with another child. He accepts this and doesn't or has never put any pressure on me, which I appreciate. I don't have the answer just my own point of view.

I guess we're kind of talking at cross purposes here - if your DH's objection was 'can't be arsed to go through it again' then, as you say in your earlier posts, having another child would be far less hassle/grief, more of an easy life to him than being nagged about it constantly! So he made the right decision (and I applaud your tenacity!). And I agree 'can't be arsed' does not stack up adequately against your wish to have another child.

But I hope that if your DH had a sound reason for not wanting another child (hadn't enjoyed fatherhood, worried about his mental health, deep-seated unhappiness about the thought of it, age/genetic-related fears for the resultant child etc) then it wouldn't be a dealbreaker.

Yes, what Llanarth said.
But can I just say that very few people who have one child (and therefore know all the joy they bring) would have reasons as lame as just 'can't be arsed' for not wanting another one.
There are a lot of very serious reasons for not wanting another child. In my case it is a combination of: career, finances, impact on mental health, impact on my current family. If anyone on an internet forum (without knowing me) paraphrased my concern as 'CBA' I would be quite outraged. So, partners of mumsnetters who are unable to represent their one-child-wanting views themselves here - maybe we should show them a bit more respect! Children are not consumer goods and you can't just say 'I want another one' and that's that. It's a complex decision and there are very good reasons for deciding both ways, so people's viewpoints need to be shown respect, even where they go against one's own.

I think the perceived child also needs to be taken into consideration. What if you went ahead had another and down the line hubby started to resent you for 'making him' have another or worst started to resent the child. What would the impact be on that child or your family unit be then? Obviously I don't know you or hubby so not saying that would happen, just what if.

We both work in children's homes so we believe that children come before our own wants or needs. This is a big reason why my dh has accepted we will just have one.

I think joanne40 puts a good argument across.