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Parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed please

33 replies

namechanging · 12/01/2006 14:10

I have a ds,6. His dad has been away a lot during his life, mostly due to being in prison.
Ds has had him back in his life for a year now, and has grown attached to him. He likes having him around and I feel it is good for him to know him, I feel he needs it.

This morning I got a letter from ex, saying he is in prison again (last saw him just before Chirstmas when he dropped off christams presents)
He wants me to visit. I know he would like me to take ds.

Trouble is, I have always said to ds he is away working. I am now wondering whether to come clean and tell ds the truth (doesn't have to know it's not the first time) If I am truthful, I can take ds with me to visit, so that he can at least keep him in his mind and know it's that he can't see him rather than can't be bothered, BUT I'm just not sure whether it's the right thing to do.

I also have dd,2, but I don't think she would be too bothered, maybe just a bit confused about why daddy's sat there and then we're leaving him there!

I think ds might be troubled by leaving him there too but I don't want him to think his dad's abandoned him.

HELP! What shall I do????

OP posts:

kid · 15/01/2006 20:08

yes, my friends DD was searched on the way in. My friend was sent into a room with sniffer dogs each time she visited, she really hated it.

Could you exchange photos? That way you can remind DD about him, I agree that it will seem a long time for DD, but I really don't think a prison in a place for her to go.

If you do want to take them, you could always visit first and ask questions and be shown where the childrens visit would take place and the procedure.

Do you know which prison he is being held in at the moment?

Original poster

namechanging · 15/01/2006 20:21

he's not too far, would take me about an hour and a half to get there. I think I will go on my own and send in photos of the kids. Thanks

OP posts:

kid · 15/01/2006 20:57

check to see if they have a website, it will give you an idea of what to expect on your visit. Good luck.

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Original poster

namechanging · 15/01/2006 21:07

Thanks

OP posts:

QueenMab · 15/01/2006 21:29

Have only just read this thread, but for what it's worth I think you are right to tell your DS, even if he doesn't visit him in prison. He will find out one day and may be very hurt or angry that you did not tell him the truth at the time.

Original poster

namechanging · 16/01/2006 14:30

Thanks

OP posts:

MrsWood · 16/01/2006 15:45

Have you spoken to your ex about this? Does he feel he wants his son to know where he is and what he has done as this will no doubt lead to more questions, anger etc. Some people in these difficult situations would rather keep up the pretences when it comes to such young children due to society's point of view quite often not being so aproving... Like someone said - your ds may be excluded by his friends and may even be subjected to bullying beacuse of his father's situation. It's a difficult age - He has now had his dad in his life for a year, grown to like him and now this happens - he'd be devastated and probably be feeling let down and maybe even feel that his dad may not love his as much as he says if he's let himself go to prison at this cruical time of introduction and repairing of damaged relationship... Personaly I's speak to ex about it, and come to a solution together - and how much you're preparing to tell your ds when it comes to questions... Depends on the crime too - your son may be judgemental towards his father's actions if the crime is a serious one (rape, murder etc.) as oppose to one that's something lighter such as a robbery, scam of some kind... I don't know. Think about that, talk to your ex and I'm sure, as his parents you will come to the best solution in your situation. Good luck!

Original poster

namechanging · 08/03/2006 19:55

well, I have taken the plunge and told ds this evening. His dad rang and he asked me directly where he was and said his dad had told him he was going to come round soon (I don't think he did say that) I just came out with it and told him where he was. He seemed to take it well. I said I was sorry and would he rather have not known. He said "No, I'd rather know now than find out later"

so, I am hoping to book a visit soon, as I would like him to see where he is and that he is okay.

Looks like the charges against him have been reduced so he may be looking at a slightly shorter sentance, although still very long for ds.

I am just a bit worried now that he will go into school and announce it, or tell some of his friends. I've told him not to, but I don't want to look like I'm ashamed of his dad.

Anyway, I know no one can really advise me, just wanted to update

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