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Original poster

1950s or modern DH?

31 replies

pinkpoppies · 23/12/2011 09:43

My DH is more 1950s than I'd bargained for and wondered if this is actually very common, so looking to hear your stories please (to make life seem normal)!
I'm a stay at home mum (very lucky to be) and have a lovely 2.5yr DD and 7mth DS. DD is in nursery for a couple of days so I do get a bit of a break but I'm just getting so tired and frazzled as DS doesn't sleep thro' the night yet. DH works full time so doesn't do any of the night settling, he will get up at 5am (although its not my idea of sharing as I'd like him to do a weekend night but he just gets very irritable and shouts, so rather do it myself for the kids sake)! He gets home at 5pm (is a builder) but doesn't help out until it's bedtime at 6.45pm (totally understand that he needs to work on emails etc. for a while but maybe just one hr)?! He does make dinner some nights and at the weekend he'll take our DD out for a couple of hours to a class. I do the cleaning etc.
I shouldn't be suprised as it was the same when we had our DD but was hoping 2 kids would mean more sharing not just to help me out but to have dad time with them both. Basically it feels like if he can get away with not doing anything, by any means, he will. I've tried to talk about it so we can share things a bit more, so the kids can have fun with him too e.g. bathtime but he deflects every conversations and says he already does more than most dads......so does he?!

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pictish · 23/12/2011 09:47

No. He doesn't.
My dh pitches in every weekend with the chores, and we take it in turns to bathe and bed kids in the evening, read the story etc.

What concerns me though, is not so much the fact that he's not pulling his weight...it's that he sees fit to shout at you when you broach him looking for more support. That's not right is it?

3WiseBoys · 23/12/2011 10:00

No, my DH does much more than that. We take turns with bedtime routine and cooking dinner, he cleans the house at weekends, takes the kids out often so I get a break etc.

I know (from many MN threads) that I am extremely lucky as my DH does more than I do and I'm the one at home ATM but I do think that your husband should pulling his weight more at the weekends.

Agree with Pictish though that that issue is secondary to him shouting at you for asking for help. You're notgoing to resolve the supper issues until you can have a conversation about it without him responding like an arsehole.

3WiseBoys · 23/12/2011 10:01

Supper??

Support, sorry, autocorrect!

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RillaBlythe · 23/12/2011 10:04

He doesn't do more than my DP. He works long & irregular hours but if he's here he does bathtime & stories for dd1, & will cook on his days off. He does housework as & when it's needed if he's here (sadly he's often not!).

I don't get why your DH can't do his emails after the kids are in bed?

specialagentmeh · 23/12/2011 10:06

No, he doesn't. My DH does equal cooking, 90 percent of the weekly shop, tons of childcare mostly of toddler but happily sit with 6 week old whilst I go out for evening. I know he'd do a night if I asked, just can't be bothered to express that much milk! It has felt less equal at some points in the past, especially post DD1 who was a poor sleeper. What worked for us was me keeping on asking. And are there any chores he'd kind of enjoy? My DH quite enjoys supermarket shop & cooking bit without realising it, I was quite possessive of those tasks. Also childcare of little ones also, can be lonely & harder if you only do it occasionally. Mums don't always talk to you if you are lone Dad at a toddler group for example. Are there any potential dad friends for him locally? If a couple of husbands have the kids together while the wives have a break, can be more fun & he can see he's not the only one doing it.

specialagentmeh · 23/12/2011 10:08

Arg sorry whole essay with no punctuation. iPhone & sleeping baby on arm!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/12/2011 10:18

"shouldn't be suprised as it was the same when we had our DD "

I think that's your problem. Expecting people to change when they've shown no inclination to do so previously is always a vain hope. They think that how they behave is perfectly fine because no-one's ever complained before. Leopards and spots etc.

What other DH's do or don't do is immaterial. This is your family. You're meant to love each other, offer support, work as a team, help each other out and treat each other with respect. If you think things are too one-sided or that you're being taken for granted or shown no respect, you need to talk about it and reach a better compromise.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 23/12/2011 11:05

Yes, it's very common but that doesn't mean it's OK.

He shouldn't be comparing the amount he does with other men because there are loads of crap men about (although it's heartening to read that some have partners who pull their weight) - he should be comparing the amount he does with the amount you do because he's in a partnership with you, not some other bloke.

Basically, you should be aiming for equal amounts of leisure time.

This book is well worth reading and you might want to look at some of the 'wifework' threads over in Feminism for hints, tips and support ...

have ordered wifework ...

Feminist approach to housework ...

anyone else feeling wifeworked over by christmas ...

It's perfectly reasonable to want an uninterrupted night's sleep once a week and completely unreasonable for your DH to be shouting at you when you try to broach the subject.

Hope you get this sorted out.

MudAndGlitter · 23/12/2011 11:05

He does more than mine tbh

bushymcbush · 23/12/2011 11:10

Mine does more than that. At the moment he's a SAHD but when I was on may leave and he worked full time he cooked every night and did bath / bedtime every night.

bushymcbush · 23/12/2011 11:11

Oh, and he usually filled and emptied the dishwasher every day too. And took out all the rubbish.

Olbasoil · 23/12/2011 11:37

Mine will do anything but he has to be asked to do it. I did ask him why he couldn't just do what he sees needs to be done and he doesn't have the answer! He has other very good qualities though!

herbaceous · 23/12/2011 11:54

My DP works 6am til 7pm most weekdays, and is doing a masters degree which he works for in the evenings. He still bathes DS or puts him to bed, does the bins, makes lunch whenever he's here, and cleans the house at weekends. We each have one or two nights out a week.

OP - your DP needs to become more of a parent.

willali · 23/12/2011 12:53

My DH has never done any of the things you describe OP. But that is part of the deal IMHO - I don't work, he works ridicukous hours to enable me to be the main caregiver, cook, housekeeper, household manager etc etc etc. That is MY job, he has his and it works for us

BsshBossh · 23/12/2011 17:25

No.

My DH works long hours, FT, but shares parenting and housework with me by his own choice, even though I work/stay at home.

He's always been like that, from when DD was a baby - he woke up with me for every single night feed and helped change her nappy etc.

In fact he loves spending time with her so doesn't consider it "helping out".

NinkyNonker · 23/12/2011 22:08

I don't work and have one child. DH works full time. From the moment he gets in he does half of everything, cooking, playing, bathing, bedtime. He will do half of any wake ups before we go to bed. If dd wakes in the night during the week I will deal (more often than not at the mo he does, as I am pregnant and he falls asleep far quicker than me after a disturbance) but at weekends he will take over, and we have a lie in each.

I take care of everything when he is at work, as is my 'job'. When he gets home, it is 50/50. Anything less and I'd be having words.

Chunkamatic · 23/12/2011 22:23

I think you need to have a talk with him about both your and his expectations. It has taken me almost 4 years since having my DS1 to get my DP to understand that just because I am at home, this does not extend to me doing absolutley everything else other than going out to work!
He works long hours and (although this is not an excuse) he grew up in a household where his Dad was out at work whislt his Mum did everything, so it has been a big learning curve for him and we're still working on it!
Being a SAHM can be a thankless task somedays, having a partner who appreciates what you do and wants to get involved makes such a huge difference.

clairefromsteps · 23/12/2011 23:10

Agree with previous posters that the issue isn't so much that he's not supporting you enough (although that obviously IS an issue), but more that he is shouting at you when you ask for more help.

FWIW, my DH works full time and I'm currently a SAHM with 3 DCs, including a 5 month old DD. When he's at work, I look after the kids, do the laundry and cleaning etc. As soon as he gets through the door about 6.30pm he pitches in with bathtime, stories etc. We have a deal where one of us cooks and the other washes up and at weekends we split stuff. I agree with the poster that said you should be aiming for equal amounts of 'free time', otherwise it's not a partnership.

Ungratefulchild · 24/12/2011 02:25

Mine is a mixture. He cooks, he tidies, he puts on washing, irons for himself, gets ds2's packed lunch and clothes for school ready. He works full time, me part time. BUT I am still the default childcare/house person, and he would love wifey that did everything plus shagged him senseless every night. he is sadly disappointed.

i won't list all that I do because although he sounds great my list would run for pages and his is only 1 line long.

It's hard to make them truly understand x

becsparkel · 24/12/2011 07:17

My DH pretty much does all the cooking at the moment and helps with house work. He usually does the majority of nappy changes in the evening and at weekends and takes sometimes the baby so I can have a rest. I know I'm lucky but I don't know if I'd be able to cope without all his support. He sees it as spending time with the baby.

He doesn't really do night time as we're bf but I think he would do weekend night times if I wasn't bf.

Cinquefoil · 24/12/2011 07:25

DH works full time and at the moment I'm a SAHM (DS is nine-and-a-half months).

DH does all the cooking, most of the shopping, and takes DS every morning for an hour or two before work so I can have a break.

I do all the nights - we're co-sleeping and breastfeeding, so makes sense. I also do all the cleaning and laundry.

DH will also help out with cleaning, putting DS to bed, etc if I ask. And, if I ask, he'll take DS out at weekends for a couple of hours so I can get some sleep.

We've always had the arrangement that he cooks and I clean, though, even before DS - he loves to cook and I can't stand the way anyone else cleans.

cantpooinpeace · 24/12/2011 07:27

My husband helps out with everything, I work part time 30 hrs. He hoovers, polishes, makes tea, baths kids, washes, does bedding, garden, big shop. Basically it's equal - there's nothing he won't or can't do. He's taken some training and wasn't always like this but once I pointed out the inequality he was quick and keen to make it equal - he's a goodun :).

Firawla · 24/12/2011 13:28

he does more than mine and tbh i do think he does a lot more than many dads as a lot do nothing, however that is not the point really if your not happy then talk to him

Alicious · 26/12/2011 23:55

Mine does a lot more! The only things he can't/doesn't do are washing the baby's bottle-no idea why, giving medicine-scared he'll do it wrong, and he is incapable of choosing an outfit for dressing either of the DCs-again no idea why!

You seem unhappy with your situation-you need to have a calm discussion about what you actually want him to do. Parenting is not just a woman's job SAHM or not.

joanneg20 · 27/12/2011 18:21

His 9-5 job is being a builder, your 9-5 job is being a stay at home parent. Outside of those 9-5 hours, everything should be split 50/50 or as close to 50/50 as is feasible - obviously if you don't mind doing more week night feeds, fine, but can see no earthly reason why the same would apply at the weekend. I really don't buy the whole 'I need a full night's sleep in order to go to work' argument. I work and have a toddler and I find a day's work on little sleep much easier than looking after children.

I honestly don't understand women who accept less than 50% - why would you? The killer argument in response to men who say 'I work really hard' is 'if childcare was really easier and more pleasurable than paid work, men would be doing it - and would have been doing it for centuries.'

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