1950s or modern DH?

[pinkpoppies]

My DH is more 1950s than I'd bargained for and wondered if this is actually very common, so looking to hear your stories please (to make life seem normal)!
I'm a stay at home mum (very lucky to be) and have a lovely 2.5yr DD and 7mth DS. DD is in nursery for a couple of days so I do get a bit of a break but I'm just getting so tired and frazzled as DS doesn't sleep thro' the night yet. DH works full time so doesn't do any of the night settling, he will get up at 5am (although its not my idea of sharing as I'd like him to do a weekend night but he just gets very irritable and shouts, so rather do it myself for the kids sake)! He gets home at 5pm (is a builder) but doesn't help out until it's bedtime at 6.45pm (totally understand that he needs to work on emails etc. for a while but maybe just one hr)?! He does make dinner some nights and at the weekend he'll take our DD out for a couple of hours to a class. I do the cleaning etc.
I shouldn't be suprised as it was the same when we had our DD but was hoping 2 kids would mean more sharing not just to help me out but to have dad time with them both. Basically it feels like if he can get away with not doing anything, by any means, he will. I've tried to talk about it so we can share things a bit more, so the kids can have fun with him too e.g. bathtime but he deflects every conversations and says he already does more than most dads......so does he?!

He does more at home than my dp, but I'm happy with the way things are as dp works hard and needs to be on good form at work. It sounds like you and your dh need a good talk - could he be feeling stressed about being the sole earner, has he got enough work at the moment, is he feeling his efforts to support you all are under-appreciated? I think it's hard for the working partner to understand how draining a whole day with small children can be, and hard for the stay at home partner to understand what it's like coming home exhausted from a tough day at work to a frazzled wife and screaming kids. Maybe to encourage 'dad time' you could try doing more things all together at weekends (park/playground?) and have some fun together, and kind of let him take the lead so you can relax a bit.

my DH does an awful lot more than that too.

Sorry.
DH changes most of the nappies, when he's at home.
he also makes dinner most nights, and always makes lunch
He is a postie, so finishes work at 2-3o'clock, so makes lunch then.
(but he also does me a packed lunch when he's not going to be home in time for lunch - I work, too, but he does longer hours than me)

It's a bit different right now, because we're both off work for the baby, but even from before the baby, he would do half of the laundry, most of the washing up, about half the cleaning and tidying, and as I say, evening meals too.
He also gets a day off during the week, which he uses to do other house stuff that doesn't get done normally. (i don't get days off, except sunday)

Now we've got the baby, he takes her when I can't cope, or once I've fed her, he'll take her for a while. When we're back at work, he'll be coming into the shop to help when he finishes for the day.

I would expect a minimum of equal shares at the weekend, and helping you with the kids when he gets home from work.
SAHM means you're there for the kids when he's at work. That's your job. It doesn't mean that you have to do 100% of the childcare and housework all the time. That's not equal. It would equate to him working 40 hours a week and you working 168 hours a week. Especially as you're doing the nightshift too because he has to get up for work.

I go by the 'free time' rule. If we have equal amounts of free time, then we have reached a fair situation. I try to get most things done (housework, shopping etc) when DH is at work. DCs have their tea before DH comes home. When DH comes home (at 6ish) we all have a sit down and chill out/chat, then DH does bathtime whilst I do our dinner. We then both have the evenings free. In the morning (I work pt) DH gets DS ready and takes DD to breakfast club. I supervise DD getting ready and then take DS to nursery.

The only issue is on the weekend. Cos our house is a tip DH is ALWAYS doing DIY, I do most of the weekend chores. The problem is when he isn't doing DIY, he has to be strongly reminded that he needs to help 50/50 with childcare/housework!

My DP does loads, with DS and with housework!

Mine does a lot more, but then we both work full time so it's a necessity imo. That said, even when i was on maternity leave he did an equal share.

Building is physically demanding though, so i guess i understand it to a certain extent in the evenings, though your DH should be pulling his weight more at weekends.

No my DH does everything I do. He is totally capable of being with DD on her own and has been since she was a few days old and I was still at uni.

He also has a very physical manual job but always got up for night feeds/night wakings.