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Original poster

child maintenance

44 replies

whowouldknow · 21/12/2011 09:43

I am sure this has been discussed over and over - and many people have different stories but I would just like a simple answer.

I have recently re-married and live with my new husband, our son and my two boys from a previous relationship. My two boys spend roughly 50% with their father.

I dont receive any money from my ex as the boys spend an equal amount of time with him - I am only working part time and am finding it tight - do you think i am entitled to some maintenance?

OP posts:

Iwasonlyasking · 21/12/2011 10:00

Who gets the child benefit and tax credits?

Original poster

whowouldknow · 21/12/2011 10:01

I do

OP posts:

Akiram · 21/12/2011 10:03

If they spend 50% of the time at your ExP and he was struggling would you consider it fair to pay him maintenance?
When it comes to things like school trips/school uniforms/clubs etc who pays? What I mean is do you feel he contributes 50% financially?

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Original poster

whowouldknow · 21/12/2011 10:05

Well he is considerably better off than me - i know he isnt struggling - and could afford to give me some extra - but to be honest - i need the money to help pay off credit card bills - i have over spend on my wedding and christmas this year.

OP posts:

Akiram · 21/12/2011 10:06

Sorry I think the first part of my post came out harsher than I intended. What I mean is, if your children split their time 50/50 with their dad then I assume he is not leaving you with all the little and big extras to pay for. If he is then you need to have a chat with him.

Iwasonlyasking · 21/12/2011 10:07

Well there's a fair chance you would be classed as main carer. So you could go to the CSA. It would be 20% of his salary with a reduction for his overnights.

He can object of course, and then the HMRC would decide who gets the child benefit.

Have you asked your ex if he would be prepared to pay child-support?

Original poster

whowouldknow · 21/12/2011 10:08

No he plays his part - we share the cost of big christmas presents - and i know the boys go to him for things cos they are aware i am struggling (they arent babies) - I just dont know if I entitled to maintenance if we share the time equally?

OP posts:

Akiram · 21/12/2011 10:08

Eek, sorry but if you have overspent on your wedding then I can't see that it is your ExPs responsibility to give you maintenance in order for you to pay off your CC.
Does he pay for things like presents when your DC are invited to parties, who buys the school shoes who pays for after school clubs etc etc.

Akiram · 21/12/2011 10:11

I'm not talking about things like big Xhristmas presents or gadgets your DC want, I mean how does it work re their clothes, who buys them clothes when they have outgrown theirs, who pays for their clubs, their school trips. If you split all those things then I am sorry but I feel it is unfair that you ask him for maintenance.

Original poster

whowouldknow · 21/12/2011 10:12

i thought that would be the answer - i am just at my wits end - i know it is unfair - i just dont know what to do.

thanks for your help

OP posts:

Iwasonlyasking · 21/12/2011 10:14

Isn't your new husband as responsible for your wedding debts?

Akiram · 21/12/2011 10:18

Sorry I know its crap. At the risk of making things worse, please God make sure your ExP has made provision for your DC in the event off his death. People think it won't happen but it did to us this year. Now I don't recieve any maintenance because the trustee of ExP estate has decided to hold all assets until my DS is 21 (he is 12 now). Its fucked things up royally.
What kind of relationship d you have with him? Could you ask him how he sees things re the finances?

Iwasonlyasking · 21/12/2011 10:44

He'd have to be a hell of a man to give you money to pay off your wedding.

I suggest not mentioning that.

Akiram · 21/12/2011 10:49

I agree definitely don;t mention your wedding. That is not his problem.
What I was getting at earlier was although he has the DC 50% of the time does thaty mean he contributes to 50% of uniform/clubs/clothes etc. If he does then no you can't ask him for maintenance. If he doesn't then that is a conversation you need to have with him. Though it probably woon;t end up with him giving you cash rather that he buys the DC clothes etc himself.

matana · 21/12/2011 11:08

He seems pretty fair and clearly wants as much involvement as possible in their lives, given that they're with him 50%. I think you should avoid CSA and try to come to an agreement. Perhaps keep a note of spending, meet him once a month and split the costs 50/50? Regardless of whether he earns more or not, it's not his fault you've overspent and he still has his own budget to manage. He should be contributing to their upbringing and sounds like he's willing to so try to do it amicably without the 'i'm entitled to x, y and z'... if he pushed it on the basis of the time they spend with him you might end up with less.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 11:10

I think if you get the credits and benefits
And he gets nothing and has them 50% of the time I think you are bloody cheeky to ask tbh

And I'm surprised that people are being so nice when you have admitted that you want it to pay a cc for an expensive
Wedding!!!

I'm totally astounded!

Snorbs · 21/12/2011 11:21

As I understand it, as you get the child benefit then the CSS would regard you as the primary carer and so you would be eligible to receive child maintenance.

Whether that is the ethical thing to do is another matter. Who pays for school uniforms, school trips etc?

Original poster

whowouldknow · 21/12/2011 11:58

but if i go to CSS will they not take into account that i also get the child allowance?

My ex pays for clothes if they need something while they are with him, but I pay for the majority eg - the other day DS had a hole in his shoes and he was at his dads so dad took him and bought him a new pair. Also, we share the cost of uniforms cos it is so expensive for the older one. schools trips etc - we share - god - as i am typing i know i am being ridiculous.

OP posts:

Akiram · 21/12/2011 12:08

Sorry yes you are being ridiculous. It isn't up to your ExP to pay you in order for you to cover your wedding debts, when by your own admission he pays what he should.
My ex pays for clothes if they need something while they are with him, but I pay for the majority I'm not sure I understand this. Does he contribute to clothes, uniform, school holidays, clubs etc regardless of whether the DC is with you or him at the time, and do you do the same?
In all honestly it seems to be fairly worked out but maybe you would prefer it on a more formal footing? EG decide on a clothing budget and halve it, pay for clubs, school uniform, school trips and halve them. Then any extras you decide to buy are entirely up to you and for you to budget for.

Akiram · 21/12/2011 12:15

Ok put another way. Imagine if your DHs ExW/P asked for extra maintenance towards your 2 DSD because she had overspent on her wedding and at Christmas? What would you response be?

Original poster

whowouldknow · 21/12/2011 12:25

ok - i know - but - do you honestly think - it would ridiculous for me to ask for monthly child maintenance - even tho i get the child maintenance and we share the costs for uniforms etc? I think if i went to CSA i would be entitled to something given the he is well off?

OP posts:

Akiram · 21/12/2011 12:28

But you are not asking for extra money because your DC are going without but only because you have over spent.
Just be aware that if you do qualify for child maintenance through the CSA (or whatever they are called now) then afaik he wouldn't have to then pay half the uniform/trips etc so you could find yourself in exactly the same situation.

Akiram · 21/12/2011 12:30

Would you prefer to have a set amount from him each month and take on the responsibility of paying for everything? Is that what you are asking? If so I don't see how that would ease your CC bills.

EMS23 · 21/12/2011 12:31

Do you have a good relationship with your ex? If you do and you value it, don't ask for extra because based on what you've said thus far, you shouldn't really be asking him anyway.
Wether he is well off or not isn't really the point either.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 21/12/2011 12:32

As other posters have said beware going down the csa route, as that would then be all he had to pay, potentially leaving you worse off. And royally pissing him off.

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