husband can't be a dad- should i tell him to go?

[peppajay]

I have 2 kids of 5 and 3 and a husband who can't cope with the demands of parenting he has had 2 nervous breakdowns caused by the stresses of kids and he now spends most weekends away from the family. I do everything always have he has never changed a nappy, fed either of them or spent more than an hour on his own with them. The one time he did he lasted 45 mins and had a huge flipout he had to call one of my friends round so he could get out as his head was just about to explode.

He definitely does not have it in him to be a dad he has tried but it *** him up he wants to be on his own with his own simple life. Obviously if I had known this before I married him I wouldnt have done it. Best thing all round is probably for him to cut his losses and go but the problem with this is the kids absolutely adore him and this is part of the problem that when he is here they smother him and will not leave him alone whereas if he goes out he is not bombarded by kids. They would be absolutely distraught and also if he went due to his extremely low coping mechanism he wouldn't see them as he wouldn't be able to cope so they would completely lose their dad from their life, whereas keeping it to 20 mins in the morn and 10 mins and night and the odd hour at the weekend they get to see him and they relish this time with him. He can cope with these short bursts and he is lovely with them but when one misbehaves or spills a drink for example thiis when it all goes wrong!

He would love to go but thinks he would be so messed up by the guilt he wouldn't be any better off. Relationship wise between me and him we never argue apart from over this and have a great laugh and a great sex life but only when on our own but the kids into the equation and he is a different person. Sometimes I think I should just tell him to go and he would but then I will have to deal with two very upset kiddies.

I watch these dads at the park or in town with their kids and wish he could be like that but I know after 5 yrs it is never going to happen so do I cut my losses and tell him to leave!

I would bet the kids woukdn't be all over him if he spent any regular time with them. They are trying to get him to like them the only way they know how.

Poor things.

Blimey - he's never changed a nappy or fed them? Never been on his own with them for more than 45mins? Loses the plot for noel childlike behaviour?

Are you sure your dc would even notice if he wasn't around?

Personally, I would have lost so much respect for this man by now, there's no way we'd be even having sex.

Good God woman, what a waste of space he is!!

Leave, leave , leave.

Even if you don't think you deserve more, you must see that your kids do??

I think that you need to tell him to leave. I wouldn't be surprised if your 5yo already knows how his dad feels and ultimately it will mess them up in the long term.

You are viewing your circumstances from the point of view of what is best for your children.
He is viewing your circumstances from the point of view of what is best for him.

It is interesting how he has mental health problems due to the stress of parenting, when he isn't actually doing any parenting.

Is he prepared to work at the marriage - a marriage that includes you AND the children?

If he were open to exploring counselling / parenting classes / discussions about your needs, not just his, then perhaps that is a positive step forward.

Otherwise, perhaps he is just too selfish to include his family in his everyday life?

I think you are very sensible. I've often thought dh would be happier in a similar situation and he's nothing like as vulnerable as your p.

Could you bear to have him call round regularly to see the children while you are around? Say every day for 10 mins, or twice a week for 15? Do you think he would do this?

The only thing that would stop me in your situation is, are you going to be just as worried about him if he is elsewhere? If you are able to let go, I think you might find that you start an entirely new life which you barely recognise - in a good way.

How are you able to 'have a right laugh' and great sex with a man this drippy?

He has had 5 YEARS to get his head around having children and he hasn't been able to learn how to cope and enjoy his own kids?

Sounds like a pretty pathetic excuse for a man to me.

If he couldn't get his head around one why did you have another?!

Kick him to the kerb. What a looser. Kids are a blessing and he doesn't deserve them.

I think I have just made excuses for him in the last 5 yrs and want something done about it now. Its not that he doesnt WANT to be a parent he just CAN'T, he has tried and he explains it as a huge bubble in his head reaching popping point and when it starts there is nothing he can do he has to escape before it pops and the twice it has popped is when he has had the breakdowns. Having the kids has definitely changed him and turned him into someon don't know and someone he hates. I think counselling would help because I think there are deeper isssues that need exploring an if he will not go for this then I am going to tell him to leave!!! Thank ladies for all your relpies I think I knew what the answer was really just wanted reassurance!!

what does he do when they spill a drink?

we need more info cause at the mo he sounds like a twat

Don't know if you recognise this version of events OP, but it is fairly scary watching someone who can't cope with any form of stress, trying to cope with it. They just CAN'T. It is as if they are allergic to it. If you love them, you will do a lot to protect them from it. If you are like me and need to be needed, it can even unfortunately intensify your feelings.

erm its called stress and he needs to grit his teeth and carry on like the rest of us, no?

x-post sorry.

I may be projecting my own ishoos onto your husband, but he has my sympathy.

I don't have kids but do have nieces & nephews. A couple of years ago at a family occasion I had to leave early because I couldn't bear the screaming of baby niece - not in an intolerant way (I actually like the kids & have no problem with babies crying - it's what they do) but in a visceral have-to-escape-can't-bear-the-screaming type of way. It was very upsetting, not just for me but for my sibling and their spouse and our parents.

I know I can't bear the noise & constant tensions of family life (not just the above incident); I really, really need time on my own (very introverted). If your husband feels at all like this and has children around all the time then, as I say, he has my sympathy.

It's difficult to think what to suggest but for me making a conscious effort to relax when I feel my blood pressure rising & the tickle in the nose helps a bit. But the only real release valve is to go off and be on my own until I can relax again. I think the key has to be acceptance that this is how he is - that in itself might take some of the pressure off and help him to relax & actually, gradually do more.

And, because in this situation there has to be some way to manage, looking for ways to accommodate his need to escape (get a shed?), the children's love for their father (for him to have to leave because of this would be tragic) and your obvious hurt that your husband is not there to share the parenting in the way you hoped - and it seems from your second post that he actually wants.

I once knew someone who reduced their hours at work so that they got time on their own when their kids were at school and spouse at work. It was a coping strategy for the overwhelmingness of life and the overriding need to be alone sometimes.

Auntiestablishment, so presumably you don't intend to have a family of your own if you already know how stressful you would find it?

OP, did you not notice similar behaviour around kids from your husband before you had your own?

Yes, Curlyhaired.

Is he on anti anxiety or anti depressants?

If he's actually having breakdowns brought on by the normal stresses and strains of family life, then it sounds like he needs professional help to deal with this. It sounds like he's almost got a phobic reaction to spending time with his children and I would say that's a mental health issue, rather than someone simply being "drippy" or a "loser".

If the children and indeed you love him, then it would be a shame to break up the family without him at least trying to overcome his issues.

I agree you need to be firm about this with him OP - make it clear that unless he tries to sort out his panic attacks with the aim of spending more quality time with the children, (and giving you some decent parenting support) then your marriage looks like it's an an end.

Your husband could be greatly helped by therapy for his anger issues - and I am reading the situation as huge anger and stress, possibly relating to control issues?

Get him some long term help. I'm guessing he feels like a massive failure.

I agree with the posters above re some sort of therapy, it doesn't sound right at all; if he wants to sort it out, then he should be proactive about getting help. If he won't, then I would look at my options. It is a tragedy for your kids though, I'm so sorry

It's bad for DC to be in this situation, surely they will grow up feeling rejected? If he is out of the home and sees them v little (his choice) they will still feel this, but probably less so because the rejection won't be a daily event, in their home, constantly wanting affection and being found "too much" .

If you stay, they may also feel that their dad - a rubbish dad, basically - is more important to you than them, ie double rejection.

5 and 3 is more than old enough to begin to feel the pain.

Has he had counselling or sought help? What about during / after his "breakdowns"?

You will get some strong views on this in relationships section.

Hi Peppajay. Only read your op. My heart went out to you. I think the key is in your statement that your kids adore him and love to be with him. Whatever he is doing wrong is obviously not felt by them so he must be projecting love on to them and giving them an emotional response of some kind - even if it is limited in time.

Wiht a five year old you would be able to tell if dad is absent emotionally - as well as physically - as five year old simply would'nt be interested beyond a curious five minute play or stare.

That your children adore him is a great starting point.

I could have written a similar post to yours about 15 years ago. My dh could not parent my dd1 when she was born., couldn't change a nappy, never fed her and certainly never took her out during baby or toddlerhood on his own. It is just fear. If she cried she was handed back to me with reverence or fear that he'd done something terribly wrong. If she pooed he would be filled with horror at having to change her .

Believeit or not I now have 6 dcs!! Asw theyears have gone on he has become a muich much better dad . He now spoends tons of time with older kids and adores new baby dd4 aged 1. He will take her out on his own , feed her and rock her when she's unwell. Still nervous of putting her to sleep convinced only I can do it but ecstatic when she wants him only and not me and loves to take her out in baby sling to shopping centre stoppping to chat to all and sundry so they can admire her as much as he does.

My message to you is such - if you love him and he respects you and your kids love him and he is not bad to them - only absent some of the time - don't leave him. Teach him, coax him and be patient with him. It could be something in his past making him behave this way . It was with my dh who was abandoned as a four year old and dumped with grandparents who were incredibly cruel. He didnt see either parent again for 5 years.

He should move out, then get help. If he can't cope with family life or give the Dc a reasonable level of attention then he should live elsewhere and just see them as he feels able, with OP present.

And why hasn't he already sought help?