husband can't be a dad- should i tell him to go?

[peppajay]

I have 2 kids of 5 and 3 and a husband who can't cope with the demands of parenting he has had 2 nervous breakdowns caused by the stresses of kids and he now spends most weekends away from the family. I do everything always have he has never changed a nappy, fed either of them or spent more than an hour on his own with them. The one time he did he lasted 45 mins and had a huge flipout he had to call one of my friends round so he could get out as his head was just about to explode.

He definitely does not have it in him to be a dad he has tried but it *** him up he wants to be on his own with his own simple life. Obviously if I had known this before I married him I wouldnt have done it. Best thing all round is probably for him to cut his losses and go but the problem with this is the kids absolutely adore him and this is part of the problem that when he is here they smother him and will not leave him alone whereas if he goes out he is not bombarded by kids. They would be absolutely distraught and also if he went due to his extremely low coping mechanism he wouldn't see them as he wouldn't be able to cope so they would completely lose their dad from their life, whereas keeping it to 20 mins in the morn and 10 mins and night and the odd hour at the weekend they get to see him and they relish this time with him. He can cope with these short bursts and he is lovely with them but when one misbehaves or spills a drink for example thiis when it all goes wrong!

He would love to go but thinks he would be so messed up by the guilt he wouldn't be any better off. Relationship wise between me and him we never argue apart from over this and have a great laugh and a great sex life but only when on our own but the kids into the equation and he is a different person. Sometimes I think I should just tell him to go and he would but then I will have to deal with two very upset kiddies.

I watch these dads at the park or in town with their kids and wish he could be like that but I know after 5 yrs it is never going to happen so do I cut my losses and tell him to leave!

Isn't there a thing where DC are desperate for love from cold/cruel or unavailable parents (the adoration you talk about) and this is damaging? Don't know the name for it, but it's bad in later life, eg DC could grow up and choose similar partners.

My husband had abit of a breakdown when our son was born, he was unable to even go into work and would wake everynight when our son was crying and have a panic attack.

Thankfully he sought help and even though we had to go into debt to do it (NHS had a waiting list and we were desperate) he saw a great physiatrist who taught him coping techniques. It wasn't really having a baby that caused the issue but the general stresses of life.

So seek help, something he should have done along time ago

I have huge sympathy for anyone having a nervous breakdown - BUT...I think the reason people are making judgemental comments about this man are because he has not sought help - and I'm sorry to say, but there are inconsistencies in his behaviour from what you say. Not being alone with kids is one thing - if that triggers a particular reaction - but not feeding them or changing a nappy? It sounds as though he has not made any attempt at all to support YOU as a parent - or any attempt at all to resolve these issues so he can parent his children properly. They need to know their father cares about them - what are they going to learn from this?

I think you have got to stop pandering to him and his 'guilt' over leaving - and tell him that you will support him if he tries to work on this and address his issues. THis is a serious and massive issue for him and I can't believe he isn't out there trying to get all the help available to work on it. He shouldn't be allowed to dip in and and out of a relationship with you, getting the good bits and none of the tough bits.

If it was me, I think he'd have to go. However much your children love him, they will soon realise it is not mutual and 10 minutes here and there will not be enough. You really don't want to spend your life stressed and unsupported, trying to run interference b/w your children and their dad - and watching them begging for attention that he can't/won't give.

If he chooses not to see them then that's awful and heartbreaking but it is not your fault. He clearly has major problems but right now you are enabling his dysfunctional relationship with them (not a criticism of you, enabling is the easiest thing in the world to fall into when you are trying to meet everybody's needs).

I have to say- this sounds exactly like my Dad. He had three serious breakdowns when I was growing up- and I think a lot of was his own childhood and just not being able to cope with being a parent. Ironically, he was a superb teacher

It did screw me up in many many ways- and I could never understand why he would go to bed all weekend and even when he was awake he was always tense and miserable.
But- when I was an adult, he was bloody wonderful company. My mum died young and for 9 years after that it was just me and him until he also died young.
I was/ am so glad we had those years together as if he'd have died when I was young I'd have a very different memory of him as a father.