Still seriously struggling with motherhood

[hatebeingmummy]

Hi, I don't know if anyone remembers
this thread

I have been in councelling now for a while and although it has helped in some ways, like in making me realise why some things my DD does make me so angry I don't think it is going to solve the problem. If anything it has got worse. I took on board advice on MN about how I didn't need to be supermum and to not give myself such high standards but all it has done is made me even more resentful.
Most days now start with us screaming at each other. She won't do anything she is told. I get angry in 2 seconds flat and am ashamed to say I am swearing and throwing things around, slamming doors etc left right and centre (not throwing things at her I might point out! and I'm not worried that I might hurt her pysically at all)

I have spoken to her dad about having her for an extra night to help me out but he won't. I feel so sad that no one really wants her at all.

I wish so badly that i had never had her. It was the most selfish thing I have ever done and I don't think I cna forgive myself for giving this little girl such a shit mother.

This morning I told her I was sorry for shouting and wished I could be a better mummy and she looked up at me and said, no mummy - I wish I could be a better child. So so so sad

Hi, i remember the thread but didn't comment at the time because tbh i can't relate, though your latest update saddens me and i deeply sympathise. You clearly want to do the right thing. I haven't read the whole thread from last time, but have you tried ADs? How long has the counselling been going on? Don't know much about how counselling works, but is it a possibility that you still have a long way to go and it has to get worse before it gets better? If it's throwing up lots of memories and feelings i assume it takes time and willingness to deal with those things before feeling able to move on.

Not much help i'm afraid but wishing you and your DD all the best for the future.
x

Thanks Matana. I've been going for 3 months now, once a week.

I have been thinking about anti depressants because I do think I am depressed. Although my counsellor hasn't said so.

I'm so worried that I am completely screwing her up. I took her somewhere the other day (wont say where for fear of 'outing' myself but it was a special trip) and we both got on well. her behaviour was good and we had lot sof giggles etc. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I enjoyed it as I just can't draw anyjoy out of anything that is meant for children at all but I did feel th eurge to kiss and cuddle her lots and at one point I looked at her and though "Jesus, she is beautiful!" I felt it was a positive step but as soon as she puts one foot out of line I just feel this anger rising in me and I remember how completely trapping and suffocating it is to be a mother. How on earth must that feel to her??!! And what a message to be sending - people only love you if you're good.

I find myself looking at pregnant women and feeling nothing but pity for them.

I told her I wanted to run away last night...

I just read the old thread back and I had said that looking through her eyes, her life isn't actually that bad.... but if I look now. It is. She has become quite sad over the last couple of weeks. Her behaviour has got worse but even when we're not arguing she has been a little forlorn and withdrawn.
She has also been asking baout seeing her dad more. She was crying in her sleep a couple of days ago saying "daddy daddy, want daddy".

What am I going to do!?

Please stick with the counselling. Please keep going trying to solve whatever has you in its grip like this. ADs could be helpful in giving yourself enough emotional calm not to act out in front of her.
What you are doing is damaging for her because your emotions are erratic and she is so dependant on you. Children generally turn that kind of thing inward as they cant criticise the people they love and depend on.

Is there anyone at all who could give her a bit more attention and support? A grandparent? Anyone? Perhaps an organisation that works with families or children.

Really sad to hear you are feeling like this - but it's great that you are trying to get help.

I can't link to the old thread through the app, so you've probably covered this before. Do you have any friends/relatives to help out? Could you go to any mother & baby groups so you don't feel so much like you're doing this alone?

Keep going with the counselling - and even if you don't feel you mean it - please let your DC know you love her. Try saying it once a day, at least that could take some of your guilt away while you deal with things at your counselling sessions.

Good luck...

Can you tell us what kind of type of things she does that makes you feel angry? I know from experience (!) it can be the most ludicrous thing in the world, yet still manages to push a button. Have you considered the "pick your battles" approach so that you don't feel like you're constantly having a go? As in, if she does something that constitutes "making a mess" make a descision to always let that one go (unless a vitally important visitor is imminent) because a mess can always be tidied/cleaned etc?

Thank you, I needed to hear something like that. I know my partner loves me and so is telling me I'm a good mum and doing my best etc but I know I am damaging her. I didn't think so before because i was keeping it so under control but now I am not I just can't imagine what it is like to have a mum who thinks you're not good enough. Even though i know it is me rather thna her who is not good enough, she is clearly not seeing it like that and is blaming herself. Although, saying that she is a fiestly little thing and has said a few times "You shouldn't be behaving like this, you're a mother!"

I have pleaded with her to behave and tols her I don't know what to do when (for example) we need to get out of the house in the morning and she isnt doing what she should. She just looks at me like - it's your job to know what to do you ridiculous woman.

I know adults who pity their mums and think of them as failures or weak etc. God I don't want her to think that of me.

I think its very telling that you have this idea in your head about people measuring up to standards. The sense that if something isnt working its because someone isnt 'good enough'. I suspect that whatever is pushing your buttons comes from how your parents treated you. Thats why it feels like a disproportionate and uncontrollable. (like about the clinging). You are now passing this on - making your dd feel she has to toe the line to be loved. And scaring her when you act out, or just being cold and detached because your actions arent coming from our feelings but from a programme of how you think you should be.

But enough of the amateur analysis. Keep going with the professional help. It does usually get worse as you unpick these things and work through them - your emotions will surface and you will act out - as you are doing at the moment. Please tell your therapist you've become less patient etc Maybe he/she can advise on sources of help.

Crossed posts. I do tell her I love her when I can. But it feels so colsolatory and meaningless. She has stopped saying it back most of the time too recently. Not that that means I don't want to say it - I just mean that it its quite telling as she used to shower me with kisses and "I love you"s.

There is no one in real life who can help. My mum lives quite a long way away and has my sister close by who has a lot of problems so I can't add to them. I don't really have any mum friends other than friends I've made through the school but i could never tell them these things.
Because I work full time I've never mixed in mother & baby circles really.

My GP isn't helpful so the only thing I really have is the councellor. I will keep going. I do hope it will help at some point.

shakey the things that annoy me are when she is too slow at getting ready to do something. Or when she refuses to do it at all. Generally when she holds me up or demands my attention. I don't mind a mess too much as I can just tidy it away. It's more things like when she makes me go to the bathroom with her to brush her teeth in the evening. She doesn't like doing it without me. We get in to ahuge arguement where I say calmly "You are a big girl now, you must brush your teeth nicely and then I'll tuck you in to bed and we'll have a story" then she's make the noise the whining noise that just makes me want to grab the nearest kitchen knife and cut my ears off. That's when my blood pressure rises and I'll say the same thing to her again but a little more firmly, she'll whine somemore, then it will escalate and I'll either grab her up in to the air and put her on the naughty spot. Where she'll sit for 5 minutes sobbing her heart out. Or I'll drag her in to the bathroom shouting "there, I'm here, is that what you want?! now BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH!!!" By which point she will be full on crying, I will be shaking and feeling sick and another evening is ruined.

I guess the obvious question is - why not just go in with her in the first place? I don't have the answer to that I'm afraid.

Thanks, I have told my therapist.

I try to tell DD at least once a week that I still love her even when she's not behaving how I want her to. I don't think she beleives me - I don't beleive it myself!

I do very much beleive that people will only love me if I am perfect. Perfect host, perfect cook, perfect weight, perfect social behaviour etc. I really don't want her to live her life feeling like that.

I understand the perfect host, perfect everything else.

Regarding the teeth brushing. Yes, it does seem obvious to head the entire episode off at the pass and go in with her to begin with. Why do you think you don't do that, being as you know what will happen if you don't? Is there another area where you feel "out of control" and "need a row" of some sorts? Otherwise it comes across as you sort of "orchestrating" an argument if that makes sense?

What other things make you feel angry towards her? I know how hard this is for you and tell me to back off, no offence.

I haven't posted on MN for several months (decided to go back to RL..) but this op has really touched me.

Would it help if I told you that my DD (who's 5 and a half) sounds very like yours.. I think a lot of feisty little girls are like this at this age. Getting her out of bed at the moment is like trying to wake a sulky teenager..

I went through a period, about a year ago, when I was finding it terribly difficult to relate to her. With all the ensuing guilt, of course. One thing that helped enormously was reading When Kids Push your Buttons (available on Amazon). I can't recommend it highly enough. As I've said before, I felt like I'd been through therapy after reading it.

Another thing that really struck a chord with me is that you mentioned the weight of responsibility. I think that has been one of my biggest problems too. I live abroad, my DH works very long hours.. basically the buck stops with me. BUt I have EVENTUALLY learned not to take everything about my daughter so BLOODY personally.. every thing she says, does and thinks is NOT my responsibility.. and we are getting along SOOOO much better for it.

Keep up the counselling. You are very brave.

Stick with the counselling - 3 months is not long at all - I think at least a year would be realistic.

Getting really angry with your child is a big issue - do you think the counselling is helping with this?

Hi, I can relate to how you feel. Especially what you said about getting angry in 2 seconds flat. And feeling ok about things until your DD puts one toe out of line.

I had lots of counselling and done a lot of work on myself. I know that there's a big connection between how I was mothered as a child and how I now mother my DD.

The trouble is no amount of counselling can fix or change the fact that my mother didn't really love me, felt no connection or bond with me, and neglected my emotional needs completely.

So whilst the relationship with my DD has improved a lot, I am very much aware that it is still nowhere near what it should be and I don't know if it ever will be.

I am a lot less angry these days which is good, but the connection with DD is still not there.

OP, firstly - your issues around anger/ what triggers it/ your feeling of intense frustration at your childs completely normal/ child like behaviour - sound as though they run deep. So - rather than beat yourself up for that, I think you need to accept that therapy doesn't change someone in a really fundamental way in only three months.

If it's not minor issues you are dealing with, then it won't be minor changes that are needed.

Really importantly - is your counsellor good enough? I remember, when I had counselling that after a few months I got very upset and frustrated and said to the therapist - okay, so I see why I have these feelings, but that's not good enough, we can talk forever about that - but I still have them. I don't want to have them. But she just nodded - because she knew that that stage takes time...

You need to completely reframe the way you look at the world, dig very deep into your core beliefs and change those - and it is possible, but it's not easy or quick.

So - you are on a journey - and tough as it is, you need to keep going.

You are angry with your daughter - but her behaviour is standard, its actually part of a child growing up and dealing with the world. You seem to expect adult level, rational behaviour from her. You cannot control her behaviour to the extent you are trying to, except through serious threatening/ frightening of her - which is what abusive parents do.

And you are not abusive and you don't want to do that.

I think that if you feel there is no joy at all in the world then you really are depressed. I would really suggest you get onto AD's. Is your counsellor good enough?

Are there any practical steps you can put in place, any thought experiments you can conduct that can protect you and her until you are further along this journey? ie. help with her/ less time with her....

while you are in the process of resolving the underlying issues - which by the way you really are brave to do - remember most people do not tackle their own issues/ percieved failings - they stumble through life blind! It's bloody hard work and scary sitting there in front of a counsellor talking about your own problems/ faults etc - you are there on that path, so take heart from your own bravery in facing up to it and trying to change, you are a good parent - or you wouldn't be trying to be a better one.

but..in the meanwhile - what about some basic parenting classes at your local sure start? or just googling parenting classes - I have read some good things about them - apologies if you have already tried that, but they are very much aimed at people who struggle with what you are struggling with - anger/ discipline / frustration - it could give you techniques to calm down/ to focus your mind/ to get into your daughters mind a little..

and...remember, the counsellor, while helping you, can't move faster than you can - so, on a day to day level you may need more pragmatic help while the counselling takes its time.

one further thought - what about calming/ relaxation/ mindfulness techniques for yourself?

I have suffered from anger my self and found some buddhist/ mindfulness/ self help very very helfpul - quite transformative actually.

one reading suggestion Anger - buddhist wisdow for cooling the flames - by Thich Nhat Hanh (a very nice buddhist monk who writes for non-buddhists) I would also recommend his book The Miracle of Mindfulness and various others about meditation/ calming techniques.

please be kind to yourself - I read a great line in Oliver James book Affluenza which I really love - (his book They Fuck You Up is also very good on family impact/ parental impact on how we behave in adult life) - he said 'remember, it's not your fault you are who you are'

it's not - but you have the power and capacity to change. You can't help where you are starting from, but you can change where you are heading to.

sorry - one last though. meditation - a chance to switch your mind off, stop beating yourself with that big stick ...and just let your mind rest. I'm not very good at it myself, but I know it helps...

Thanks waterrat. I would love to meditate but I can't see how anything on earth could get me down from where I am most of the time in to a meditative state! I don't really sleep and I barely sit down. I havent always been like this and I think I'm avoiding stopping to be honest. When DD wants me to do something I'm always in the middle of doing something really pressing and important but honestly now I think about it I can't think what that could be! It's usually taking some washing upstairs... or putting some washing up away! i.e. not important.

I'll look up parenting classes. I think one of the school mum's runs the one near me though so that would be a no go.

Meeting other parents at parenting classes is a great idea.

I too think you sound depressed and I feel for you. What do you do when your dd is with her dad for the w/end? Do you do stuff that makes you feel like you?

Do you parents ever take your dd for a while to give you a break? If not can you buddy up with another mum to do this for each other?

Presumably your dd is at school... are you working? What kind of hours and do you like your job?

Hi there, I feel like I get som much time to myself when she's at her dad's and also when I'm at work I'd beat myself up if I saw her any less to be honest. I do like my job, I do around 50 hours a week. It's fairly stressful as I'm a PA to CEO for a large firm but it does make me feel "like me" At the weekends we often have my DSD so I don't get a lot of time to be me then. Although i have started to do more away from her and my DP recently just to get some breathing space from the stress as she is being faurly difficult (usual teenager stuff but I don't feel emotional able to cope with it at the moment)

I drink a lot mostly on my DD free weekend, not that I don't drink alot when DD is here (when she's in bed). Or I catch up on work.

I've just downed a bottle of wine at my desk actually - hoorah, great start!

Oops, I work around 50 hours a week plus evening time logged on.

I'm not an expert but I didn't want to read and run. Its great that you are aware of the situation and want to do something about it. You sound like you need to call on as much help and support as you possibly can. A few ideas...

Definitely talk to your Dr about how you feel. If they don't listen, find another Dr and keep trying until you get the help you need.

Do you go to your local children's centre? Mine has drop in sessions where your kids can play and you get a bit of company from the other parents. It can be so lonely being a Mum. They also have family mentors who are incredibly helpful.

Can you do a regular activity together like a parent/child dance class? To get out and have some fun together?

If you are having difficulty saying that you love your daughter spontaneously, how about getting some books about parent/child love and reading them together. It might make it easier for you to use someone else's words at first. 'You...' by Emma Dodd and 'Guess How Much I Love You' for example.

I hope it gets better op. Hug.

How about reading a few parenting books with the emphasis on the child's psychology? I think it would help you to relate to your DD if you understood her motives and behaviour better (speaking from experience)