Still seriously struggling with motherhood

[hatebeingmummy]

Hi, I don't know if anyone remembers
this thread

I have been in councelling now for a while and although it has helped in some ways, like in making me realise why some things my DD does make me so angry I don't think it is going to solve the problem. If anything it has got worse. I took on board advice on MN about how I didn't need to be supermum and to not give myself such high standards but all it has done is made me even more resentful.
Most days now start with us screaming at each other. She won't do anything she is told. I get angry in 2 seconds flat and am ashamed to say I am swearing and throwing things around, slamming doors etc left right and centre (not throwing things at her I might point out! and I'm not worried that I might hurt her pysically at all)

I have spoken to her dad about having her for an extra night to help me out but he won't. I feel so sad that no one really wants her at all.

I wish so badly that i had never had her. It was the most selfish thing I have ever done and I don't think I cna forgive myself for giving this little girl such a shit mother.

This morning I told her I was sorry for shouting and wished I could be a better mummy and she looked up at me and said, no mummy - I wish I could be a better child. So so so sad

Op, I am a former social worker and I used to run parenting classes a few years ago until funding was cut.

I have met many mothers like yourself , who, I wouldn't describe as depressed, just deeply regretted having had children. From reading your op, I feel that you probably liked having freedom and control over your life and you feel that was taken away when you had your dd. I think the key here is to change how you are seeing your life right now, you seem to be stuck in a destructive cycle of bitterness, resentment and anger which is directed toward your dd. You may also be just going through the motions of being a good parent but it is all rather meaningless if there is no sincerity behind it.

have you considered cognitive behavioural therapy? You need to go back to your GP and request something a bit more radical that general counselling to really get to the root of these destructive emotions.

Good luck.

Well a high stress 50 hour week plus evenings "logged on" is a lot for any parent I would say. It sounds to me as though you certainly need help with household chores - do you have any help? Does your dp help or do you have a cleaner?

It also sounds like you need some time to yourself away from being a mother or an employee.

Do you look after yourself, OP? Do you eat well and get regular exercise?

My fave book for promoting empathy with your child has got to be "Playful Parenting" by Laurence Cohen.

OP you are clearly actively seeking to address your relationship with your dd - I am sure you will find an answer. I think that the anger you feel isn't about your dd (even though it seems to be superficially) and certainly shouldn't be directed at her. A good counsellor will help you through these inappropriate emotions and if your counsellor isn't helping you then definitely change counsellors.

OP- motherhood is very tough and if like me you are a lone parent it is doubly so.

I too find many things about it intensely irritating and suffocating and sometimes I let it show. I have a short fuse and hate the faffing, mess etc.

I do try and look for the magic too such as Christmas day, days out etc. I am much better off when I take dd out for the day; I cannot abide spending the whole day at home with her and I have a ft job which keeps me sane.

Is it possible that you are depressed? I have been and I am less patient when I am. I don't think you are a bad mum; you are just a struggling mum like so many of us.

Wow thanks so much for all the info. I've done the test and I came out as equal 6 and 9... but when I read the descriptions I think I sound most like a 1.
I think that I have elements of all types in my personality I guess.

I'm absorbing all everyone's advice at the moment and having a good long think about what to do.

EFA to answer your questions, I don't really eat healthily. I try to keep to 1000 calories a day and if I don't then I worry about it. But I do eat healthy food i.e. all fresh and home cooked. But it is vitually fat free. Then I binge around once a moth for a few days. It's another thing that I beat myself up about in terms of what it might be doing to DD.

Not wanting to be picky, hbm, but why do you limit yourself to 1000 calories a day? Are you overweight and trying to lose weight?

I just think it sounds like you have so much going on emotionally that it might not be the best time to be dieting strictly. And even more, I worry that you might not be overweight but are trying to feel in control by limiting your calorie intake...

I'm not over weight but I weigh more than Id like to. I'd liketo be one of those people with a small appetite that doesnt want to eat all the time but I'm not so I have to limit it.

This is very boring advice - but I think you would feel better - re. anxiety/ stress/ worry - if you didn't drink so much> That is from personal experience, I'm quite an on edge person and find I feel much better when I don't drink - just far calmer and my mind goes over things less - it has a real depressant effect. You sound like you are someone whose mind is their own worst enemy - in which case your mind needs all the rest, calm and healthy living it can get....swimming/ yoga/ dance/ meditation - and alcohol will be impacting on your sleep.

Even a couple of drinks will mean you don't sleep as deeply.

another thought - while you are waiting for a longer term change in your internal responses, you can focus instead on your behaviour and action.

This is again something I read about and was really helpful - when you have the negatiev thoughts (ie. in my case jealousy/ insecurity - in yours, frustration, anger with your daughter) - don't dwell on the fact that you have that feeeling, just accept it as a feeling passing through you - and focus on acting like someone calm/ happy/ in control -

by focusing on how you feel, you are going round in a circle of self chastisement, anxiety , judgement, driving yourself mad because you 'feel ' a certain way. LEt that go for now, it is who you are, you are like that a result of past experiences - so, deal with your actions.

I forced myself to act like a secure confident/ trusting person would act - and you know what, my feelings began, over time, to follow my actions. I found that by acting in a trusting way, the world was actually easier - I learnt that my responses previously - always giving in to my anxious thoughts - actually made life harder.

Therapy and practice will eventually change your feelings, so stop being so judgemental of them for now and just focus on your behaviour.

The circle you are in, of beating yourself up - is not helping. YOu need to let go of that big stick and stop hitting yourself with it!

and btw. the eating thing sounds like it might be another problem in your mind - I never think it's good for people to calorie count as a way of living day to day....it's a very negative way to look at food.

I took the test and came out a tie between type 1,2, 3, 6, and 8! Confirms my suspicions that I am, indeed, a mixed bag.

It does seem as though trying to control things is how you try to reduce your stress levels...if this is right then I can imagine that a 5 year old would often stress you out.

what are the circumstances of your best moments with your dd?

SNVN I read all the descriptions and Type 4 I instantly connected with. It makes sense that there be "wings".