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Original poster

I am nervous of mad mother-in-law on christmas day

37 replies

monstamum · 12/12/2011 14:10

My mum-in-law has asked us all to have christmas dinner at hers on christmas day (including my parents). We usually have everybody round to ours, but thought it would be a nice change. However, 6 year old DD did not want to, she likes having everybody in her house (my parents too). So we took her to mum-in-laws this saturday to decorate a tree to help win her round. Mum-in-law is prone to angry outbursts, and was HELL for DH to grow up with, but has been a lot calmer for the last 15 years. On Saturday after tree, which all went well, we sat down to lunch and DD was excited and found it hard to settle, and would not eat soup or sandwichs, but just a biscuit. She then pulled a bowl of tomatoes over and smelt them, where upon Mum-in-law roared "you don't dare put your face in a bowl of food like that!" and slapped her on the back. I gave her a look that could freeze her to her seat, and said "You do not slap her". She said sorry, and admitedly it was a tap, but I don't think DD deserved that, and it isn't MIL's place to do that anyway. DD was very upset, I took her into other room and calmed her down, and we left politely shortly after.
I am now dreading Christmas day! Help - any advice anybody?

OP posts:

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queenebay · 12/12/2011 14:22

No one touches my child mother or not. i would refuse to go-why should your kid be on edge on such a special day

Iggly · 12/12/2011 14:31

What does your DH say? It's his mother so he must have a view.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2011 15:07

I don't think a six year-old should be dictating where you spend Christmas. If you don't want to spend time with your MIL, fair enough, but it looks like you can't back out at this stage. Tapping a kid on the back for sticking their nose in some tomatoes is a little but you made it clear how you felt and she apologised so it's over and done. Grudge-bearing doesn't help.

For Christmas Day, therefore, DD has to be on best behaviour, and you'll have to keep an eye on MIL. I know when we spend Christmas with my parents, DS has to behave in a particular way or there will be frowns. For that matter, I know I'll have to behave differently to how I would at home!!! (No getting squiffy, for example) Would be lovely if every family was like the Waltons rather than the Simpsons but unfortunately life's not like that.

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mumblechum1 · 12/12/2011 15:09

What Cogito said.

MrsMagnolia · 12/12/2011 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2011 17:55

It was downgraded to 'tapped' not 'slapped'....

MrsMagnolia · 12/12/2011 18:06

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birdsofshoreandsea · 12/12/2011 18:09

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Eglu · 12/12/2011 18:20

I disagree with Cogito, I don't see why a child should have to be on best behaviour on Christmas Day. Especially with someone who is likely to over react too something small. At least in your own home you can feel comfortable.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2011 18:23

"She said sorry, and admitedly it was a tap,"

'Admittedly'.... not 'admitted'. The OP is the one saying it was a tap not a slap. I think the subtext here is that the MIL is a bit of a martinet, the OP doesn't like her, has passed this dislike onto the children and is beefing up what she admits is a fairly minor incident into preparation for a good old Christmas Day family row, walking out in a huff, the lot. The DD in the original story had refused the lunch put in front of her..... knowing how miffed my mum gets if smaller relatives turn their nose up at her food, I can see why the subsequent tomato-sniffing exploits resulted in temper-loss.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2011 18:25

"I don't see why a child should have to be on best behaviour on Christmas Day"

Because they're a guest in someone's home? It's sociable? It's good manners? It's family? Yes, they probably would prefer being at home eating biscuits but life's a bitch...

NatashaBee · 12/12/2011 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumblechum1 · 12/12/2011 18:28

Storm. Teacup.

Eglu · 12/12/2011 18:41

I do believe a child should always behave, but I don't agree with having to step it up a level for somebody else.

Pantofino · 12/12/2011 18:46

I think storm in a teacup too. And the child is 6 - not 3, so more than capable of sitting down calmly to eat some lunch, excited or not. I get a lot of visitors and would probably be annoyed myself if the child behaved like that.

Pantofino · 12/12/2011 18:49

There are germs in your mouth and nose. The MIL is quite correct that you shouldn't be sticking your face in a bowl of food that you are not eating. It's simple hygiene and good manners. And I am a totally laid back parent....

mumblechum1 · 12/12/2011 18:54

I think I'm quite laid back as well, but really can't bear to see children who are impolite, and not eating the lunch which the little girl's grandma had prepared for her is impolite imo.

The grandma has apologised for tapping her on the back, and it's water under the bridge now.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/12/2011 18:57

Sticking your face into a bowl of communal food is something that a 6 year old should know not to do IMO.

You are blowing this out of proportion I think OP, and you are also bonkers to be allowing your 6 year old to dictate where you spend your time.

pinkyp · 12/12/2011 19:00

Yabu

Pantofino · 12/12/2011 19:08

This sounds to me much more a case of "bigging up" MIL's behaviour to get out of something you are not very keen on.

I hate, hate, hate this thing that even members of your own family aren't allowed to tell off children when they do something they shouldnt as it "not their place". It is crap preparation for life.

cory · 13/12/2011 08:22

"I do believe a child should always behave, but I don't agree with having to step it up a level for somebody else."

Really? So you think it would be ok for a 6yo to speak to her teacher or an old lady on the bus the way she does to her mum when she is in a bad mood? Or expect elderly grandparents not to need a bit more consideration than parents who are used to their offspring?

I still remember the birthday party where one of dd's friends started teasing us(whom she had never met before) in the kind of personal way that she obviously used to tease her own. I think she may even have called me fat- which was probably an affectionately joking way they had of speaking to each other in that particular family, but sounded absolutely ghastly coming from a completely strange child. Dd looked horrified and never asked to have this particular child back.

It may well be that the MIL in this particular case is a bit scary, and I think she should have been quieter in her reactions at lunch.

But at the same time children do have to learn how to differentiate their behaviour. Stepping it up a level for somebody else is a skill everybody needs to get through life and it takes years of practice to fine hone, so age 6 is a good time to start.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 13/12/2011 08:33

Best behaviour is one thing and absolutely fine. On edge is different and I wouldn't want to spend Christmas day on edge. It's supposed to be relaxing for everyone, I wouldn't voluntarily sign myself up for something that was going to be stressy.

And I am all in favour of relatives telling off my child. My family and PIL do discipline dd but they don't hit her. Tap or not. PIL were quite vicious with DH and his siblings growing up but they've moved on from that, thankfully and now wouldn't touch dd but can be strict with her, which is fine with me. There is a difference.

crapistan · 13/12/2011 08:54

Sounds like the slap/tap/whatever was the final straw and MIL was annoyed that your DD was difficult about lunch when MIL had been trying to do the right thing getting your DD round to decorate the tree etc etc. I can understand that would be very irritating. And who gave her the biscuit when she had not eaten anything else?!

But, MIL went OTT which is probably due to her anger issues. She should have taken the bowl of tomatoes away and said "Don't touch that, please."

If MIL seems stressed at all on Christmas Day, you might want to have a few back-up plans ready to get DD out of her way.

It does sound like your DD might have bit too much control though.

Angelswings · 13/12/2011 09:07

Don't agree with slapping kids so I'd be nervous of how she mil will react on Christmas day when it can be even more stressful. But

I do agree with posters on here that say a 6 year old should know how to adapt better, and that they should not have much imput into where they spend Christmas day.

As usual, there seem to be deeper issues

bellavita · 13/12/2011 09:17

My children on not eating their lunch would not have had a biscuit as a substitute, especially in someone else's house.

However, I think MIL over reacted. It isn't nice for someone to put their face into someone else's food, but it was only a bowl of tomatoes - they do smell nice especially the vine ones. They could have been rinsed under the tap.

My DC's were on the receiving end of "taps" at MIL's house 8 years ago - they were slightly giddy as they had cousins of the same age visiting which they had not seen before (they live abroad) and on DH challenging his mum over it, she threw him out and said for him and the boys never to go back.

I think this goes way deeper too.

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