What kind of help do you have with your 3 children?

[pecanpie]

I have 2 DDs age 4 and 2 and a newborn. DD1 is at school, DD2 is at playgroup 3 mornings per week. I was planning on looking for help after school through till bedtime on weekdays when DH is still at work, but am wondering what sort of help other people might have (family or mothers' help etc) and who does what. I have no family/inlaws locally and DH's job is quite intense at the moment.

None. No in-laws or family around. Get good routines in place and you will be fine. Hard work, often chaotic, but liars of fun. We are just over a year on from where you are. :)

Loads, not liars!

And Dh is out before 8 and home just after seven mist nights, so after the kids are in bed.

I have four but we always had some help for the first 6 months of each of the subsequent baby's lives. Then I was on my own as we have no help from family.
We had a nanny for DD1 as I went back to work for a bit, then a mothers help for DD2, then a postnatal doula for DD3, for DS we had another nanny.
The help was mainly to take the older kids to activities and on school/ nursery runs, during dinner time and bath time was also useful.
I don't think it matters what they are called, just make sure they are the right person. We've had a couple of wrong people as we;ll, and it's awful.
DH helps as much as he can but he's not often home before 8.
I had similar gaps to you and it's hard. I don't remember the first 6-12 months very well at all!

i had 5, not yet 2 and a newborn - with no help. it was crazy days indeed. got easier and I would have loved some help - didn't have the money at the time. If you have the money go for it, whatever makes life easier and happier for you

None.

DC have just had to sit through me having a colour and cut.

In your position I would go for help during the day so I could shop or get my hair done in peace.

DH has always worked a lot, and even with a 6yo, 2 yo and newborn I found bedtime OK once we got into the swing of things. For me that time of day is family time.

None, and I am on my own with 5 an 3 yr old and 5m baby. OH works thousands of miles away. Parents 6hour drive away. Grateful I'm not at work too!

none at all. added to which, dh leaves home at 6.30am and returns around 8.30pm, ie well after kids have gone to bed.

my dc are now 10, nearly 4 and nearly 2, so it's all easier, but the first year after dc3 was born was very hard.

for me the hardest bit was the 4pm til bedtime stretch.... if i could have had help with that bit every day it would have been a huge difference.

If i could have afforded a cleaner I would have had one! Otherwise it was just me and a long shift working dh!

When ds2 was born dd was 2 and a month and ds1 was 5 and 2 months. I used to bath them all at night, perch on the toilet seat and have a bloody stiff drink.

I am very lucky, have a fantastic mothers help/nanny who comes in morning and evening. We got her when dc3 was born and for the first year or so she would start at 7.30am, work til 10 then come back from 5-8pm. More recently though, now that I'm not bf dc3 and DC's 1&2 more independent getting dressed etc, she has been starting later and coming back earlier to help with after school activities etc, means that 1 or 2 DC's don't have to traipse round for others swimming/gymnastics etc and dinner can be ready when they/we get back.

An added bonus for me is that she also does a full day once a week so I can get out and do things and have some time to myself and she also babysits one night a week. We sort of had to add these hours into the contract because the base hours we wanted - about 25, split between either end of the day, weren't enough to give someone a full time wage, but wouldn't enable them to get a second job either IYSWIM.

None
have 4 kids,work 30 hours a week. when 1st was tiny, had 8 months off, she went in Nursery, had no 2, he was in Nursery at 4 months old. I am self employed so can't afford not to work.
When big two were at school had 2 more kids. Now My eldest looks after the others in school holidays, and babysits when I work evenings.
DH out the house from 7am usually home by 9.00pm!
I have no parents, or in laws to help.
I think if you want kids, you should expect that you are on your own, unless you can afford extra help, but it's not that hard to look after them.....promise.....

Oh and in terms of who does what, we basically do the same stuff, except with regard to housework, nanny probably more getting kitchen/living room clean and tidied of toys before she leaves and I deal with almost all laundry. She very occasionally irons/changes beds/picks up bits like milk while out with DC's if I ask her. She doesn't do any cleaning other than wiping down kitchen surfaces and clearing up dropped food after mealtimes.

Other than that we just split entertaining/moving/feeding/bathing DC's however I we feel like on the day. If the DC's have been driving me crazy all afternoon sometimes it's nice to leave them to play with her and cook and clean up!

I had a lovely postnatal doula for three months after twins were born and ds1 was 23 months. She came three times a week (the days ds1 was not at nursery) from 10am to 2pm. She could only do those hours as had her own three children and had to do school drop off and pick up.

At the time I remember wishing I had help more in evenings or mornings, as my dh also is out from 6:30am until after children are in bed, but looking back it was nice to have daytime help as a) I got used to handling the hideous bits alone and b) I could spend quality time with ds1 and take him to playground/library/softplay etc without twins.

Since then I have not had any help at home. Both sets of parents are not close by and are fairly elderly. I did, however, have all three children at nursery one day a week from quite a young age so I could clean the house, do all the chores, catch up on sleep etc. It is not what everyone would choose but I think it is what saved my sanity as I LIVED for those Mondays!!!

Now the children are 5, 3 and 3 and are at school and pre school hurrah!

None. 3 DDs aged 4.10, 3.5 and nearly 10 months. DH works away at least 3 nights a week. Bedtimes have been pretty much ok, I
Think because DH was away for all but 40 hours a week when I was pregnant with dd3 I had bedtime routines set in stone when DD3 arrived. Having said that tonight was a nightmare and I have a feeling that 10 month old DD3 is just entering a tricky bedtime phase to go with the not sleeping.

Why don't you wait and see? I didn't need help before but I might now. And if DD3's multiple night wakings don't improve it'll be a night nanny!

That was atrociously written, sorry - haven't slept for longer than 2 hours without being woken for 4 nights.

sleepwhenidie - that sounds fantastic and I would have loved that sort of help

when dc4 was born I had a just 5 year old and 21 mths dts.

school run was the hardest part of my day

dh works shifts of 7.30am - 4pm & 3.30pm - 11.45pm every other week

I would have loved scheduled help

Now they are 8, 4.8, 4.8 & 2.10 life is much easier with regards to getting things done but the attitudes get worse

Cleaner once a week :). Keeps me sane.

I tried local teenager to help out with DC1 had swim lessons, but she was pants at that (DC2 didn't like her, especially), so never progressed to mother's help at home kind of thing.

I sometimes pay a friend's 12-13yo DD to do little jobs for me.

Thanks for all of your feedback. Key time for me to have help is after school and have started interviewing for a mother's help, but I'm wondering if there's really enough for someone else to do. I've managed the full post-school routine alone on days where visiting family haven't been able to help and although it's made me really ratty today, I hope that practice will make perfect! The only thing I really need is someone to take care of the 2 little ones while I take DD1 to ballet class with her friend and to help get things moving on that day in terms of supper and bedtime routine, so basically am wondering if I will need help every day. I also don't know if I want the intrusion on a daily basis but DH wants me to have help rather than moan at him about finding things tough - fair enough. I'm also thinking about it from the DC's perspective - if I have after school help then I can take some time to focus on each child as an individual, rather than my brood as a whole. DD2 is occasionally playing up - I imagine because the family dynamic has now changed and she's not the baby anymore. She swings between being the grown up big sister (getting a tissue and trying to blow baby's nose regardless of whether or not he wants it) and wanting to be a baby again (telling me she needs a nappy change every time I do the baby's, which given he is so little is exceptionally often). DD1 is also being given very little individual attention with being out all day at school for a start. I guess I'm talking myself into trying it out at least!

I have a 4.10, a 3 and an 18mo with #4 due next April/May

I have now got more help than I have ever had as we have moved to within an hour of MIL and she comes over every Monday, does the ironing and watches the 2 little ones while I take DS1 to his after school swimming class which is a Godsend - I have taken all 3 of them and it's a nightmare! The little ones each have 2 mornings at nursery to give them social time and 1:1 time with me - but they're both in nursery on Friday so I can get my haircut/go back to bed etc

We did get an au pair for 3months when DS2 (DC3) was born but she didn't have much initiative which I decided was a good thing as it made it less of a culture shock when she went home as I didn't feel my workload increase! Can't afford that this time, but the comments about post natal doula have started me thinking - although DH is saving up leave, and I suspect MIL will be around loads (trying to feel more grateful, she's OK but...)

Personally I would love someone to stay in with the 2 little ones while I pick DS1 up from school as DD can't comfortably walk both directions but has a nasty habit of falling asleep if I let her go in the buggy with DS2 which does bad things to bedtime :(, but who wants to work for an hour a day?

I say try it and see - it matters more WHO you get than WHAT they are called - get the right person and you'll wonder how you managed without her, get the wrong one and you'll realie what a good job you're doing on your own

Do you work OP?
If not why on earth do you need help with your kids?

I think it's admirable to think about how you are doing things, and what kind of help could make life easier and happier for everyone. All our situations are different, chickydoo

I'm not much help as I only have 2 DS atm, though and am contemplating #3 so am reading these responses with interest. I am not working (though I desperately wish I were, and will be again once all of mine are in school.) I do find many aspects of the day quite stressful though and have been thinking about what kind of help would make it easier, and how to balance this with loss of privacy. I also feel that evenings are family time, but even now it is hard to make sure everyone's needs are met, without a newborn in the mix.

I had 4 year old, 3 year old and a newborn. I had a cleaner for the first 6 months as we had just moved house when ds was 6 weeks old so was still sorting out boxes, rooms etc. DD2 went to preschool 3 mornings a week and DD1 was in reception doing just mornings for the first term. I did not have anyone in for the after school bit - but if I could have then I would have loved a cook to come in a couple of times a week and do healthy home cooked dinners for us!

None at all. I had DD1 6 (very hard work though), DD2 (16 months) and DD3 newborn. Case of getting through first few months then DH started his own business and things got easier as he was around more. If I could have afforded a cleaner then that's what I'd have loved as my kids wouldn't have taken too kindly to a stranger attempting to see to them! Good luck, it WILL get easier, I promise.

ready with lot of interest as pregnant with number 3, Ds 3 and ds1.5

im thinking (dp does super long hours):

• Ds1 nursery wed to fri
• Ds2 nursery mon to wed
• mother help 5.30 to 8.30 tuesdays and thursdays

we already have a cleaner once a week

that would be for the first 6 months, and then reassess.
Ds1 will be at school when he'll be 4.9 as he is a november baby.
i dont know if i should put him to preschool or not instead of nursery...?

I am a few years on from you - mine are now 6, 4, 2 and all about to have the next birthday. When mine were your age I had a fairly small amount of help - a lovely Polish girl came in approx 7 hrs a week (two sessions of 3.5hrs). It just gave me a chance to have a tiny bit of time off, time to maybe run a few errands and also sometimes to pick DD2 up from nursery and take her for lunch on her own or occasionally pick DD1 up from school and take her out to tea on her own (as you mention, they massively benefited from a small amount of 1 to1 time if only I could fit it in).

I would say get as much help as you can possibly afford. I don't mean so that you can swan off and do something else, but so that there is someone to pick up the slack a bit and just BE THERE. I used to almost weep with relief when my au pair turned up, swept the baby up in her arms and made me a cup of tea then sent me upstairs to have a bath - lying there for 15 mins reading a book was about the most blissful time of my week! Then we would chat a bit about all the children and it would help me to see things straight and put everything in perspective - such a support.

I found the first 6 - 9 months with 3 children at this age unbelievably hard. It was the school runs that nearly did for me (DD1 to school by 8.30, DD2 to nursery elsewhere by 9, pick up DD2 at 12 and DD1 at 3). It was a totally relentless exhausting grind and if I could have had more help I would have paid for it like a shot.

It does get easier!